Who knows what happened?

Nobody who writes anything down was there, so the following is transcribed from scraps of divine conceptualization that Ao left lying around. It has been pieced together as best as it can be, but who knows?

And it was all a dream anyway.

It seems as though everything that happened occurred in the memories of Horus, while he was dead. That’s sounds like as tenuous a connection to reality as it is possible to have. It may have passed through the zero point, and in fact only have a negative connection to reality - that is to say, it is more likely that anything else other than what is written here is what actually happened.

Out story takes place on the Astral Plane

Horus and Cletus are still searching for Dennis and Louie. Shortly after Horus and Rusty invented the microwave oven, Rusty was called away to make something else, which explains his absence.

Horus and Cletus wander into a hall that looks suspiciously like the reception lobby for heaven, and as they catch glimpses of their reflections in the impeccably polished surfaces, they see halos of their very own around their heads. Fair enough, I suppose Horus is dead right now. Greeting them is a massive Coatl, Quetzalan the Radiant. He is one of the members of the Council of Ascendants. There are seven members. Quetzalan is listed last on the roster of attendance, so he’s either the least important, or the new guy. He takes that role of the sage old quest giver today.

Save Thauvia’s Macguffin!

Yxathil the Farsighted (first among the Council) has told a Goliath Barbarian where to find the constellation of her ancestors. Not everyone’s ancestors have their own constellation, you know. That basically makes her a Space Princess. Unfortunately, her constellation is under threat from external corruption (read: colonialist capitalism, they’re staging a hostile takeover). As a result it needs to be saved.

You can’t get quests like that any more! Rescue the princess! Save the galaxy!

And apparently this quest starts with a physical fitness exam. Not for Horus and Cletus - performed by Horus and Cletus, and Thauvia has to pass. The important thing is that they take note of the tattoos on Thauvia’s body, in the order that she got them. I do hope they are all sensibly placed. They are:

1. Purple Worm
2. Frost Giants
3. Red Dragon
4. Nautiloid
5. Duergar

With the physical complete, and having done a bit of a lore-dump on Barbarian culture the party sets off to find the constellation. Please note I will not record the intricacies of Barbarian culture here, given that the party now has its own Barbarian, and they should be able to remember it for us.

They don’t make constellations like they used to

After a few hours traversing the Astral Sea, the party reaches a vast canyon (which implies land for the canyon to be in), covered in the crumbling ruins of an ancient civilization. In the center (center of a canyon? OK, sure) they can see a huge monolith rising up, with a set of glowing lines trapped in its summit. This is apparently it - Thauvia’s folks ancestral digs. I thought it would be - bigger, you know?

As they enter the canyon through the gates, they see ghostly Goliaths working in the streets. Not clear what they’re doing. At the end of the road is a doorway that leads to a chamber, in which a spectral Goliath kneels. This is Mara Stone-Heart, she was the last archivist, and is just managing to keep the corruption at bay with the non-existent skin of her non-solid teeth. She beseeches the party to go through the crack she has been keeping sealed, and destroy the corruption within. They agree, she lets the crack widen so they can go through, and apparently dies.

Puzzle time.

(I should point out here, Ethan’s notes do not make it clear what puzzles the characters solved, so I don’t know if they suffered the negative effects)

The puzzle of the 13-eyed floor/eldritch horror/eldritch voice.

In the corrupted realm, there is the expected ambient mind-fuckery, and a 13 eyed entity, which has the word Orynfuleen inscribed on it, and also repeats the word 13 times before taking a coffee break, then saying it 13 times again - on repeat. The floor is covered in a purple liquid that spells out the word, too. It’s a really important word, OK?

So, if the party did not solve the puzzle, they suffer madness effects. However they probably should have solved the puzzle, it is a ROT13 cipher. I mean, do it twice, and you get the cleartext! How easy is that? Unfortunately, Rusty is not here, because he would have solved that in an instant.

Fortunately, Rusty is not here, because he has Wit following him around these days, and he gave Wit the Crown of Belashyrra - and that is what Orynfuleen decodes to. Belashyrra. A Daelkyr from the realms of Eberron, and a member of a seriously fucked up race. Belashyrra is able to see through the eyes of the Crown of Belashyrra, so who knows what would have happened if Rusty were here.

The test of goatball.

No idea who won this, but it sounds like “It’s a Knockout!” team edition. I assume that at the bottom of the wobbly plinths is a pool filled with jelly.

Anubis left his scale here

Next game is to pick a token, that will tell a moment from your life. Pile them into the scales, and the plinths make their decision, or something.

This one is a bit of a gimme - I don’t see how the party can lose this, but I’m sure everyone gave it their best shot.

Come to the Dark Side! We have Donuts!

Next up is the classic “temptation of the hero”, or in this case, princess (and hero, I guess?). Thauvia is given a promise of nebulous, but incredible power, if she forsakes her current responsibilities. Once upon a time, I would have seen right through this and known that the tempting voice is never actually going to deliver on it’s promises. Now? World’s pretty fucked, bro. Who knows?

Also, who knows what Thauvia chose? Not me.

Though what I lack in actual knowledge, I make up for in secret knowledge. Ethan’s “hidden information” tells me that choosing power means Thauvia fails. So traditional morality for the win!

Checkov’s Gun, for all to see!

Remember the weird emphasis that was placed on Thauvia’s tattoos and the order in which she got them? Did you wonder why? Well, wonder no more. This is it! You have to remember them now.

Hold on - Thauvia is literally right there. We can look at the cheat sheet! I assume that is what was done.

Remember - it’s call Dungeons and DRAGONS for a reason.

The party is given warning and time to prepare, but the next chamber is a deathmatch between us and a Gret Wyrm Red Dragon. Ethan’s notes indicate that it was supposed to be a TPK, but his notes also say there was only one of them, and its CR is 28. Admittedly the party is at half strength, but we took out an Astral Dreadnaught (CR 21) in 2 rounds of combat over a year ago in real time. I think we were 9th or 10th level then. We’re 13th level now, FFS! We should be able to take this thing!

Did we take this thing? Nobody knows. Doesn’t matter anyway - even if you die, you come back. The only way to fail is to flee. I assume that didn’t happen - we’re not known for our discretion over our valor.

Reward time!

Thauvia gets the ability to cast Ancestral Spirit Guardians as a 5th level spell once per long rest, and the ability to cast “Commune” once per day, except she asks the question of her ancestors.

Horus and Cletus get +1 to the ability score of their choice.