Grandma Vespa has a serious amateur astronomy habit

Rusty completed repairing fixing Grandma Vespa’s telescope, and then instantly wasn’t there and had never been. Dennis was always there.

Grandma Vespa reveals to Cletus that the attack on St Nicks workshop wasn’t random. She regales us with the tale of the battle again, but indicates that the chain guy knew what he was doing, and specifically targeted St Nick.

We tell her we’ll take a look.

Grandma Vespa was apparently in the suburbs

As we exit Grandma Vespa’s house, we see the locals in a state of hysteria, wailing “They took St Nick!”. Lying in the roadway is an elf in a coma. Dennis slaps some health into her, and Papa Ricky takes her inside to heal up. Cletus checks to see what she was holding - first Nat 20 of the night. In her left hand is a cracked snow globe, showing fleeting visions of a darkened workshop. In her right hand is a blood stained parchment which reads:

The age of indulgent kindness ends. This winter, only the obedient and the fearful shall survive. Stand aside, or be remade.

It is signed with a stylized goat-skull sigil.

This triggers a PTSD flashback in Cletus or something, as he freezes up for a moment. When he comes to again, he tells the party of a vision:

For a moment, the area around you fades. You see a flash of ice‑glass corridors beneath a sky of swirling black and silver light. A man in red and white his beard rimed with frost hangs suspended in a cage of crystal, his eyes closed, his breath shallow. Between you and him stretches a single, thin thread of light, quivering like a plucked string.

The vision originates from the far north. Cletus feels as though he is linked to the man in the vision, and we deduce that he is most likely at Whelk Spring House on Echo Island. Where’s The Captain and his boat when you need him?

Overland trek to the Island. That makes sense.

The distance to the nearest point of land to Echo Island - Bent Key Causeway - is ridiculously longer than if we had sailed straight there, but what can you do? We set out along the road. First stop - Candle Cross! We get to see how the town is now doing after we destroyed it, then forcibly repopulated it with refugees. Pretty well, as it turns out. The locals are happy to see us, and they give us a Candle of Invocation, and a Candle of the Deep.

Further down the track is Waterford. We rest there for the evening. For some reason we all get inspiration?

The next morning we continue to Idlethorpe. We’ve not been to this town before, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t affected it. There are buskers everywhere, and there is a stall that promises to tell your future. It is manned by a father and his 3 year old daughter. We recognise the father from Mordentshire whose newborn daughter had telekinetic powers. We had helped them move to Blairsbay where her abilities would be more accepted, but now, they’re apparently here. Cletus gives them a coin and she giggles and says “You’re like him”. Cletus feels something coil around him, and gains the ability to cast Tasha’s Mind Whip once per day. No idea why, that bit was ad-libbed by Ethan and is not in his notes.

The Creepy Causeway

Dennis, in a rare moment of erudition, says that the name “causeway” implies that it is able to be crossed on foot at low tide. He’s right! There’s a first time for everything. When we reach the causeway, however, all the mood pointers indicate we should avoid this place like the plague. Dennis is undeterred - he is literally a plague doctor. We press on.

Part way across, the warnings turn out to be very accurate, and we are attacked by a massive owl. It is an aspect of Auril’s divinity, and it is a tough motherfucker.

Dennis gets 28 for initiative, and thinks he will finally get to go first, but no. Louie rolls a Nat 20, and Cletus manages to scrape together 32 without even critting. What the fuck, Cletus? Dennis is now second last, followed only by the time wizard. Something is wrong with our party.

Louie and Raymond attack, but they fail their CON save, take cold damage and are slowed. Then they miss anyway.

Cletus also fails his save, and it is not recorded if he even took a swing.

Auril (who also beat Dennis’ initiative) beats on Louie for a bit.

Dennis automatically fails, takes damage and is slowed, but he doesn’t care. At half speed, he’s still faster than Louie. He flies over there, but can only attack twice because - as he is slowed - he doesn’t get his bonus action flurry. Never mind, he hits the first swing, and does 9 force and 15 fire damage. The fire damage is doubled - nice, he was hoping that would happen. In addition, he paralyzes Auril. It’s all coming together!

Horus then decide to completely upstage everyone and fireballs the living shit out of Auril. For some reason this causes winter magic to coil around Dennis, restraining him. On the up side, everyone else gets a reaction attack on Auril, and they beat the crap out of her and she dies.

More Creepy Causeway

We move on and find the location of the battle that Grandma Vespa witnessed. That’s 2 days travel away. Rusty wants that telescope now. Anyway, there are frozen elves and reindeer everywhere. We figure this is a nice, wholesome place to make camp and settle in for the evening.

During the night, several massive undead reindeer come towards us from the shadows. Well, they look undead, but apparently aren’t? They don’t attack, either, though they seem to be having some sort of internal struggle over that. Louie puts a stop to that by casting Protection from Evil and Good on them, and they settle down. A side effect of this is that Louie gets a 1 foot tall clone of himself, and hasto speak in rhyme for 1 hour (real time). Ethan, you know not what you have wraught.

In the morning we proceed, and there is a present lying in the causeway. Obvious trap, so obviously Cletus opens it. Boom! 67 cold for him and 33 for everyone else. Meh. Further along, we find a portal to the realm of Christmas. Or the North Pole. Something. It’s a portal, all right?

Blocking the portal is a sphinx. It says “In order to pass you must solve my 3 riddles. Answer correctly or turn back. Fail three times within the same riddle and join my garden of the frozen.”

Well this is bullshit. Sphinxes are creatures of the desert - this thing should be frozen solid. Also, the Sphinx Union Rules clearly state one riddle. Anyway.

Riddle One

I am given freely but never possessed. I grow larger when shared, smaller when hoarded. I cost nothing yet am priceless. I can warm the coldest winter yet cannot be held. What am I?

Cletus answers Love, which is correct.

Riddle Two

A father watches but cannot touch. He gives but cannot receive. He protects by staying away. His greatest gift is what he never gives himself. What does he sacrifice?

We answer Life, which is thought hard about, but still judged correct. This is the problem with vague riddles, Ethan!

Riddle Three

When you go out in a blizzard and see a vampire, what do you get?

Dennis knows this one. “Frostbite - and that’s racially insensitive, you asshole!” This is also correct. We proceed through the portal.

The North Pole

There are frozen walls surrounding St Nicks town, guarded by Nutcrackers. The ask for a password. Cletus guesses “Krampus”. Cletus is correct. We pass.

Inside we find a hall decorated with ice statues of everything St Nick opposes. It looks a bit like the White House does now. A childish monument to a bruised ego. We ignore it and move on. There’s no point feeding the trolls.

Rooms of visions

As we proceed, we find various rooms filled with things that trigger Cletus’ PTSD again. There are so many visions, that I’m not going to bother recording them all - I’m on a time crunch. Suffice it to say that Cletus is St Nicks child, St Nick was a mortal but absorbed part of Auril’s divinity, Krampus is St Nick’s brother who absorbed a different bit of Auril, but his was a bit off, and he’s being going slowly mad ever since.

The final boss

The next room is a corrupted factory, once for making toys but now for creating horrors. Spread throughout are multiple gifts, converted to monsters (8 tin soldiers, 6 flying swords, and 2 rugs of smothering), and at the far end sits Krampus. St Nick is there too, chained with lightning at the far end.

Krampus monologues, but we’re experience adventurers and we know not to listen to those.

Initiative! Cletus 26 (what the fuck, Cletus?), Dennis 25 (at last!), Horus 24, Krampus and friends 20, and Louie 17. Then more of Krampus’ friends.

Round 1

Cletus opens negotiations by killing one of the tin soldiers.

Dennis kills 2 tin soldiers, but misses his swing at a flying sword.

Krampus legendary actions to brand Dennis. 33 cold damage and a tattoo.

Horus moves so he can firebolt a rug, which prompts an opportunity attack from it, but it misses. 20 fire damage to the rug. Then he has to make saves against casting spells in Krampus’ domain. Seems unfairly targeting spellcasters, but whatever. As a result of his failure to resist, he has to tell a secret. Horus is a fucking cannibal who likes Rabbit meat. He also has to give away his grimoire to Louie, and Louie is too stupid to give it back. Horus can no longer cast spells.

Krampus hits Dennis with his chains for lots of damage. then the flying swords attack everyone and miss everyone except Dennis, and now he’s down.

Raymond bites a sword, which is surprisingly effective. It dies. Louie feeds Dennis a potion - he’s back, baby! - then he throws tiny Louie at Horus so Horus can get the benefit of his aura.

The Tin Soldiers attack Cletus 3 times and Dennis twice, and nobody lands a hit. The rugs join in with attacks on Cletus and Horus, but they all miss too.

Krampus finishes up with a legendary action to shove Dennis into his bag of devouring.

Round 2

Cletus attacks Krampus. He tries to retrieve Dennis, but fails. The inside of the sack is an abyssal darkness, with 6 points of light within. Cletus then shoves Krampus over - eventually - then with his action surge, grapples him - eventually, with a natural 20.

Dennis is floating in an abyss. He sees 6 motes of light, and can hear scraping noises and make out glowing eyes in the darkness. The points of light are viewpoints to the hall Dennis just came from. Dennis flies to a point of light and departs, because he’s not stupid. He is next to St Nick, and determines that one of the chains of lightning can be broken with a 25 STR check. There’s no way Dennis can do that, but he communicates this information to the rest of the party.

Horus, who is now the world’s worst melee character, attempts to hit a Tin Soldier but fails.

Krampus takes a swing at Cletus but misses. Then he takes a swing at Louie and misses. Lastly he takes a swing at Raymond, and hits! Big damage and paralyzed.

The flying swords swing at Horus and Raymond but still manage to miss.

Louie hits Krampus twice, and uses his bonus action to feed a potion to Raymond.

The tin soldiers all take swings at Raymond and all miss except for the one that rolled a natural 20.

A rug smothers Horus despite his best efforts.

Round 3

St Nick groans. The lightning is intensifying - St Nick is getting weaker and Krampus is getting stronger.

Cletus attacks Krampus 3 times, but misses twice due to his improving AC.

Krampus puts Raymond in the bag.

Dennis punches the rug, knowing it will hurt Horus but hoping the rug has fewer HP. It did hurt Horus, but didn’t hurt the rug!. Dennis attempts to tear the rug off Horus, which astonishingly he manages to do, considering STR is his dump stat. He then throws the rug over a Tin Soldier. Both of them die.

Horus casts Shocking Grasp, grasps a flying sword, and uses it to hit a Tin Soldier. The sword and soldier both die.

Krampus teleports out of Cletus’ grip, and beats down on him. 28 damage and paralyzed. Then he misses Louie, hits Cletus (crit for triple damage - 198!), and misses Louie.

A flying sword takes a swing at Louie and misses. The rugs are all dead.

Raymond tries to eat the motes of light, which doesn’t work, so he tries again, and then gets eaten by the bag horrors. Zoe, Raymond has a higher intelligence than Cletus. He may be a frog, but he is not an idiot, stop playing him like one or Rusty will forcibly educate him using telepathy. Anyway, Raymond is dead, and I believe should stay that way.

Louie feeds a potion to Cletus and attacks Krampus, doing a bit of damage.

Round 4

Cletus attacks Krampus but misses every time. That AC is still going up.

Dennis attacks Krampus and hits 3 from 5. That’s how you do it, Cletus!

Horus moves to the chains holding St Nick and manages to break one - I think one of them required a 5th level Dispel Magic. Good work, Horus, we may yet turn this around.

Krampus attacks Louie and hits, Dennis and misses, Cletus and misses, and Horus and misses.

Louie is paralyzed, but manages to save against it and breaks out of the chains.

Round 5

Cletus runs over to Horus to help with the chains. He manages to break the one that needs a 25 STR check, but it took some effort. He also determines that one of the chains needs to be struck with a weapon that has never drawn blood.

Dennis manages to hit Krampus twice from 5 this round. That AC is getting worse.

Horus determines that one of the chains can be broken with a critical hit. Horus then hits the other chain with a dagger he has had since 1st level but never used. It breaks!

Krampus hits Louie, then Dennis, then Dennis again, then Louie again. Dennis is paralyzed and grappled.

Horus throws little Louie onto big Louie, and little Louie casts Lesser Restoration. Krampus couterspells. Little Louie feeds Dennis a healing potion.

Round 6

Cletus tries to crit the chain that needs it, but doesn’t make the rolls. He determines that one chain can be broken with massive radiant damage.

Dennis makes his save against Paralysis and breaks free of Krampus’ chains.

Horus casts a fireball on the chain that needs 50+ points of fire damage in a single attack, and breaks it. Krampus is weakened - his AC is dropping, as is the DC of his attacks.

Krampus hits Louie and paralyzes him, then throws him in the bag of devouring. He then prepares to attack Horus and Cletus, when he notices that something is terribly, terribly wrong. Louie had a portable hole in his pocket, which is now inside the bag of devouring. There is a mighty explosion, and Krampus, Louie, and Dennis (who was inside the blast radius) are gone, lost on the Astral Plane. Apparently in different places on the Astral Plane, but that is meta-knowledge.

Cletus and Horus manage to break the remaining chains, and St Nick is free.

Epilogue

St Nick says “I have carried lists longer than any mortal winter. The only names that ever truly mattered were yours and your mother’s.”

Apparently, Cletus’ Pa died, and it took a year before he could be resurrected. In that time, Mamma Cletus got it on with a local farmer called Nicholas, who almost immediately got infected with Auril and had to leave because the unshielded divinity was killing those around him. Which make you wonder what happens to the little kiddies that stay up to see Santa, but I digress. He left, and then almost immediately, Pappa Cletus is resurrected. But technically it’s not cheating. Sure, you tell yourself whatever lets you sleep at night.

Loot

Apparently we get a Flying Chariot, which needs to be pulled by flying creatures, the only one of which we have is Dennis. Good reason for Cletus and Horus to get him back.