Cultists - who needs ‘em?

The party, standing at the top of the cliffs, watch as the cultist runs into the caves. We then completely ignore them, and go somewhere else. Despite, last session, Rusty sending an Arcane Eye in to the caves to spy.

Wit gets in touch with Rusty, and tells him that a woman left the party. Masha, the lady we met outside Derek’s house. Everyone else is still at the BBQ, and Wit has not been able to detect any signs of insanity. Trying to figure out who the cultist we saw was, we do some quick maths and figure out that the only villagers currently unaccounted for are Jacob Reefwalker the fisherman, his son, and Sister Morrowin of Illwater. My money’s on the sister.

Anyway, we’re thoroughly distracted by the approach of The Dreadnaught to the wharf. Heading down to meet it, we come across Jacob Reefwalker, crying in his boat. He sees us and decides we can help him. He unloads a massive sob story about almost killing his boy, and can we help? Sure, buddy, just wait up for the rest of the A Team.

Getting the band back together!

Dennis, The Captain, Horus and Gary disembark from The Dreadnaught and join us. Apparently Papa Ricky sent them to provide additional assistance. He has been researching, and has discovered evidence of an ancient shrine to Waukeem on Lazarette Rock. Anyway, at this point the team remembers that cultist entering the cave, and Jacob says that was where he almost killed his boy. So we all climb aboard Jacob’s fishing dinghy and head over. It must be one hell of a fishing dinghy - it is carrying (in ascending order of size) The Captain, Louie, Horus, Gary, Jacob, Cletus, Rusty and Raymond. The seas were rough and the boat was leaky, but our trusty Minnow saw us safely through.

The entrance is shielded by a waterfall, and it smells of dead fish and feels like a haunted house. Peering through the curtain of water, we think we can see flickering torches behind the cascade, and a portcullis blocking the way. The Captain investigates the area, and notices some blood spatters that lead back toward the water. He receives a vision of Jacob, soaking wet and bleeding swimming back to the mainland. A quick interrogation later, and all Jacob recalls is attempting to kill his son, but being flung back by luminous energy, hitting his head, and falling into the sea. It appears someone protected Jacob’s son with divine magic.

We head further in, and the thing that appeared to be a portcullis was - a portcullis! The smaller members of the party considered looking around for a mechanism to raise it, but one made itself apparent before anyone could even get started. That mechanism is called Cletus, and he just grabbed the bottom of the gate and flung it into the ceiling so hard it came off its rails and stuck there.

Even further in is a shine to Waukeem, corroded and stained with age. There are people in here - living people - who seem to be beggars. It transpires that they have been here since it was a shrine, so since before the domain separated itself into the mists. Like, recorded history doesn’t go back that far. The seeming leader of the beggars, a blind Elf, says they have been living off the donations provided by passers-by. OK, this sounds shady as hell, but he never back-stabbed us that we could detect, so who cares, right? The people who have been passing through recently are a dragon-kin, and a short dude called Sceleritas. Rusty has heard of a goblin called Sceleritas that is part of the clergy of some church that likes killing people. Maybe it could be Bhaal?

Checkov’s sword

The Captain stealths ahead to scout, and the rest of us follow at a polite distance. Horus sees a tapestry to Waukeem that sparks a vision. A bad man (Bhaal) enters the temple at its height, and tries to kill Waukeem - but it turns out to actually be Lire, the goddess of deception. This leads to them dissing each other and then Bhaal trying to kill Lire. And sure, it appears that he is successful, but Lire is basically Loki. It may have looked like she died, but did she really?

The Captain relays this vision to the party, and Rusty notes that the Gods have not been able to roam the material planes since the Time of Troubles - so this vision must have been from a time before that. Since then, Gods have only ever been able to visit using avatars, and killing an avatar, while inconvenient, doesn’t kill the God. But there are legends of weapons that can: a sword called Godsbane, crafted by Haephaestus from the marrow of a Titan.

As we discuss this, a chuckle comes from up ahead. “I wondered how long it would take you to find us. Come down, then.” Cletus looks down the hole that the voice came from an pulls out his trusty boomerang, and flings it down the hole. It whistles around the corner, and there is a loud “CLONK” followed by a muffled and slurred “Fuck!”, then retreating footsteps. The boomerang, not being magical, did no damage - but the critical hit removed 2 front teeth and prevented whoever it was from casting spells until they can get them regenerated, because of their brand new lisp.

Cletus descends the ladder and gathers his trophy teeth. Rusty is going to make him a necklace. The rest of the party catches up, and in the room we find an altar with a feminine figure kneeling before it. Sister Morrowin? No idea, and nobody cares. If it is, then the cultist we are chasing is not a member of the township.

On the other side of the altar is the body of a young boy. The party decides time is of the essence and moves to chase the fleeing figure, but Jacob loses his shit over his dead son and kills himself. Louie “Gentle Reposes” the boy, and Revivifies Jacob, and tells him not to be such a wimp. We’ll resurrect the dead kids as soon as we have time and salt.

Traps and prisons

The party races after The Captain, who is getting further ahead, and runs directly into a trap made of monofilament wires stretched across the passageway. Rusty & Horus fail their saves and take 13HP, Cletus takes half damage. Ahead of us, The Captain sees a temple. It’s a big bastard, too. He wisely refrains from entering and investigates the surroundings while he waits for the party to catch up. He thinks there is a trap on the door, but can’t disable it. He thinks a magical trigger went off, but it didn’t appear to do anything.

Mizzium offers to heal Rusty, Horus and Cletus the damage they took from the trap. Rusty declines - 13 HP isn’t worth wasting magical energy over - but Horus and Cletus accept. They are healed, but have to make CON saves. Horus failed, and now feels sluggish (he took 1 level of exhaustion).

We catch up with The Captain, and we’re all asked about our moods. Rusty, Horus and Dennis have to make CON saves - Dennis failed, and takes a level of exhaustion.

This is a temple to an Edgelord, isn’t it?

We open the temple doors and are confronted with a giant bust of Bhaal. Flickering torches “light” the area, but really just seem to make everything darker. There are runes all over the place - Louie translates with a use of Divine Sense. “Death comes to all who enter uninvited. Only through murder may you prove your worth.” The floor is littered with bones.

As we move through the temple, we hear a voice: “You’re too late! The faithful have done their work. Sixty-three souls, offered freely by those who loved them most. Do you have any idea how potent that kind of sacrifice is? A parent killing their own child, believing they are sending them to paradise? The guilt alone could power a lesser ritual for centuries.”

The speaker seems to have a speech impediment. The Captain queries “I’m sorry - did you say ‘You’re tooth late?’”

A fork in the path

Despite them being able to talk to us, we can’t see the speaker, and the underground path continues on. Ahead is something different - a side passage! We glance to the left, and there are columns in the distance, writhing with electrical energy. The party decides to continue on the main path, but the person at the back of the party (The Captain) notices that the electrical discharges aren’t random - they form letters: O R I N.

The Captain recalls when he was alive and pillaging the Sword Coast, there was a nasty character living there called Orin, who was a shapeshifter. The Captain figures it out instantly and backstabs Mizzium. Mizzium Hellish Rebukes The Captain. The party is confused, but The Captains shouted explanations are enough for us and Louie Moonbeams Mizzium. His form writhes and shifts, and reveals a Changeling. I won’t go in to the NSFW transition from Mizzium to fully dressed female, but some things can’t be unseen.

Orin leads with a monologue, which she soon comes to regret because the party absolutely fucks her up in the first round before we get to her initiative. Thankfully for her, she was higher in the initiative order than Dennis, or she would never have escaped. She Dimension Doors out of there as soon as she can, carrying over 170HP of damage from just The Captain, Cletus and Horus.

We divert to the electricity, and find Mizzium imprisoned. Rusty breaks one of the pylons with Mage Hand and Mizzium is freed. He joins us in our mission. He says that Sarevok passed through earlier. The Captain knows who Sarevok is - he’s a Bhaal spawn who somehow survived the resurrection of Bhaal, and he used to have more teeth.

A room in the path

Continuing back along the main path, we enter a ritual site. There is an inscription, which depending on how you look at it, either says “It puts the lotion in the basket” or “Place your hand on my altar and speak my name to know the killing touch. All secrets bleed for the Lord of Murder.”

The Captain, of course, steps right up. Laying his hand on the altar he says “Bhaal!”. He suffers pain, but not damage. A tattoo of a blade appears on his hand, and gains a single use ability for some future time. He can think of any person in existence, and he will know if they have ever murdered anyone, and if so, who they have murdered. This sounds situational, and I’m intrigued to see where this plot thread leads.

A charnel pit in the path

Leaving this chamber through a door, we enter a broad corridor lines with dozens and dozens of bodies. All the bodies have been murdered, but they all have an eerie smile on their faces, as if they willingly allowed themselves to be killed. In addition, they are all vaguely similar. Almost as if they are half-brothers and sisters. The corridor leads to a series of steps leading downward to a room set up with a gaming table, complete with dice cup and 3 stools. Cletus, gambling addict that he is, picks up the cup and tips the knuckle-bones out into his hand. His vision fades, and he sees the past.

Three figures stride into the hall.The first is a towering warrior in black mail, a spiked crown tucked under one arm and a gauntleted fist clenched at his side.The second is a robed, corpse-pale noble with eyes like dead pearls, weighed down by amulets and bone jewelry.The third is a lean killer in battered leathers, a wicked dagger in hand, his cloak stained with old blood.

You expect a battle, but Jergal only raises a bony hand. His voice is a dry whisper that fills the hall.”Enough. I have grown tired of this task. You want my crown? My throne? My power over death and the dead? Take it.”The three mortals hesitate, confused, their weapons still ready. The black mailed warrior speaks first, his voice iron and ash. “We will not share. One of us must rule.”The corpse-pale noble smiles thinly. “Then let there be a contest, not a slaughter. There is no need to waste such… talent.”The lean killer scoffs. “Fine. A game. Fate has always favoured my hand.”

Jergal produces the cup and bones.

Jergal reaches to his throne. Bone ripples and forms a low table and three stools before him. A cup of yellowed bone appears in his hand, filled with knucklebones marked with strange sigils.”Cast the bones and claim what you desire,” he says. “Divide my power as you see fit.”

First cast - Bane:

The warrior in black mail takes the cup, shakes it once, and casts. The bones land with a sharp clatter, glowing a harsh green-white. A crown, a clenched fist, tormented faces in chains.Jergal inclines his head. “Strife, hatred, and tyranny. Rule through fear and conflict. This is yours to bear.”Dark power floods into the warrior, his eyes blazing with pitiless light.

Second cast - Myrkul:

The corpse-pale noble takes the cup next. His cast is delicate, almost careful. The bones spin and settle into the shape of a skull surrounded by countless tiny grave markers.”The dead will be your charge,” Jergal whispers. “The quiet graves and the endless souls. You will be the Lord of Bones.”Shadows swirl around the noble as he drinks in the power, flesh withering and his presence growing vast and cold.

Third cast - Bhaal:

The lean killer takes the cup last. His smile is thin and hungry. He rattles the knucklebones with practiced ease and flings them across the table.They land in a spray of crimson light, bones forming the shape of a dagger poised over a single, bleeding heart.Jergal’s skull-grin widens. “So be it. You will be death given purpose. Not the stillness of the grave, but the act of killing itself. Murder. Bloodshed. The moment when life is stolen.”The killer shudders as divine power pours into him. His shadow lengthens, sprouting claws and blades. In that shadow, you see a thousand deaths by unseen hands. The three mortals stand transformed, their bodies mortal still, yet wrapped in divinity. Jergal’s throne dims, his presence receding as his once-great power splits three ways.”Let Toril know you as the Dead Three,” Jergal intones. “Bane, Myrkul, and Bhaal. Tyranny. The Dead. And Murder.”

The vision then fades. Cletus tells us all what he saw.

Bhaal is a cheating dick.

So, if you thought it was a bit Edge-lordy before now, well, you haven’t seen anything yet. Bhaal is lording it over a feast of the almost-dead like Costco Strahd. He’s the Lord of Murder, but none of his zombie-ish dinner guest are quite dead, and they are all treatable with minor healing magics or a medicine kit. Talk about half-assing it.

In addition, even though he likes to think he is a super-awesome killing machine, the killer of Gods, etc - he can’t face 6 mid-level mortals without the backup of 5 demigods. Pathetic.

So we’re forcibly invited to this creepy dinner party with Bhaal, Sceleritas Fel, Orin the Red (looking worse for wear), The Dark Urge, Abazigal, and Sarevok (missing his 2 front teeth).

We try to heal as many as we can, and piss off the flunkies in the process, but it all goes OK until Horus crit fails his ability check and sends his goblet of blood over his shoulder. I mean, for a God of Murder, you would have thought healing his victims would have been more upsetting, but no. Apparently it’s a bitch getting the bloodstains out of the carpet.

So Bhaal cuts off Horus’ head, Cletus tries to feed him a potion, Orin attacks Cletus, Sarevok attacks Rusty and crits - Rusty Silvery Barbs, Abazegul Counterspells, Louie Counterspells Abazegul’s Counterspell, and Sarevok misses the second try. The Dark Urge magic missiles Horus who is already 2 death saves down and kills him. Sceleritas casts something on Louie, but nobody remembers what because Louie rolled a natural 20 for the save and it did nothing. Abazegul casts Power Word Kill on Louie - who’s currently well above 100HP - and it kills him anyway.

So despite all the advantages, Bhaal’s flunkies aren’t really doing too well except where either Bhaal sets them up, or the rules are flagrantly violated. Bhaal sees that in order to actually end this quickly, he’ll have to remove all facades of fair ruling and just cheat like a motherfucker. He - and I quote - “fills the room with daggers and everyone takes 293 points of damage, killing them instantly”. It was pointed out that 293 points wasn’t enough damage to kill Rusty or Dennis instantly, and probably not a few more characters. “Oh, did I say 293? I meant 393.”

It was then pointed out that the room was filled with daggers, and everyone took that damage, so he just killed all his minions too. But that was retconned. You wouldn’t let us change our actions after the dice were rolled, Ethan!

So everyone is dead, except for Cletus (who can’t be taken down by 393 points of damage, halved) and Raymond, who Ethan forgot about. Cletus takes the opportunity to punch 2 more teeth out of Sarevok’s head before Bhaal kills him with another dagger.

Well, if you can cheat…

There follows a series of meetings between the (dead) characters and their various Gods, in the afterlife (or closest approximation).

The Captain's meeting with Bane

Captain, captain, captain. It seems that you have met my former companion. He's a bit over the top, isn't he? So listen, him coming back is a bit of an issue. He's a liability. Like he's crazy. So I've been going through My network of spies Learning of Xelotath And obviously for your benefit I've looked into your companions? and have learnt of some of their affiliations. and fellow guards who have taking a keen eye on them I knew you were gonna get your shit kicked in. No disrespect intended at all. You proved yourself marvelously coming to Defend me when I was in need. But Bhaal is different ball game completely. Anyway I've decided to speak with These gods who would have an issue with Baal's return. So collectively we're devoting power to each and every one of you. Thaturoka deck. You guys built back in the day? Boom is empowered. Also I'm gonna give you the bloody end. One of my personal artifacts Obviously I've modified it so your sneak attack goes off. You should be returned shortly. The other gods are having their own conversations with Your companions? Any questions in the meantime, Captain?

The Captain asserts that Bhaal is a twat, and gets two items. His Tarokka deck is empowered, and he gets The Bloody End.

Horus's meeting with Jubilex

Horus I can't allow you to die. Especially not at the hands of just some crazed murderer. I would have too much to lose. As with you not being able to Prevent the eradication of your people. You're going to require my assistance. I'll bring you back Imbued with my multiversal bindings. You also will have a servant I have cultivated. Try to sneeze when you get back. Bhaal needs to be defeated. Do not fail me.

Jubilex tells Horus to sneeze on return, and he snots up this. He also gets a set of Living Armor.

Louie's meeting with Selune

Louie, your heart is as pure as my moonlight. You try your best. You strive to do the right thing. Many paladins Put their faith in their god to receive their power. But not either. You though. You have conviction. You have faith in yourself. That is a beautiful thing. It is why you are one of my favorite people to watch. By no means should you feel pressure from the question I'm about to ask. But currently, if you are to die, You would be placed in the same process as atheists are and be judged by Kelemvor. And he will decide your afterlife personally after weighing your heart against a feather, but with your consent. When the time comes that you do die I would be honored If you came here under the eternal moonlight. You don't have to answer now. In regards to your current predicament, having Bhaals avatar walk the mortal coil is quite disasterous. I've spoken with a handful of other gods that believe this situation needs to be dealt with and that you and your friends are our best bet. We are all collectively going to imbue you and your party to try to even out the playing field and give you a fighting chance against Bhaal. I'm also going to give you my holy avenger. It will help protect Allies that are closer to you. Raymond may wield is as well as you see fit.

Cletus' meeting with Chauntea

The smell of fresh soil and rain fills your nostrils as the world around your fields blurs into golden light. Stalks of wheat straighten and grow heavy with grain in a heartbeat, bowing toward a warm, motherly presence that steps from the rows.

A woman shaped from living earth and green shoots stands before you, hair like ripening corn and eyes the color of rich loam. Wherever her bare feet touch, sprouts burst and flower, and tired furrows soften as if freshly ploughed.

At her gesture, the soil parts and a broad copper cauldron, green with age and etched with grain and livestock, rises from the ground. Rich, fragrant stew begins to simmer inside without flame. You recognize the smell of Mama Cleetus's Gumbo

Chauntea rests a hand on your shoulder, rough as bark yet gentle, and you feel the certainty that no honest work of your hands will go to waste. In your mind you hear her simple charge: “Feed them, and I will fill what you offer,” as the warmth of the cauldron settles into your calloused palms.

Dennis' meeting with Ao

Ao stands before you, yet “stands” seems inadequate,he exists in this space, filling it with presence while simultaneously appearing to extend beyond its boundaries into dimensions your minds cannot grasp. His form towers above you, easily twelve feet in height, draped in robes that seem woven from the fabric of night itself. The deep hood that shrouds his features casts shadows that appear to contain glimpses of distant galaxies, swirling nebulae, and the birth and death of stars.

Beneath the hood, where a face should be, you perceive not features but pure concept made manifest. Occasionally, flickers of light suggest the outline of eyes,ancient beyond measure, holding the weight of infinite knowledge and the burden of cosmic responsibility. When these glimpses appear, they seem to look not at you but through you, seeing every choice you’ve ever made, every path you’ve ever walked, and every possibility that stretches ahead.

Dennis, you fascinate me. Within your true form in the ‘i’ dimension. You record our world with such grace. Commitment. Week in week out. You make my existence Fun, Enjoyable, Irritating. You make me feel stupid sometimes. Make me feel smarter sometimes. You always jest. Trying to exploit our world. But never in a malicious way. Typically I never get involved when it comes to the gods. Instead I'm much more interested And seeing how you fare with these plot devices. The impact you make on our world Through the decisions you make. Without you and your friends, I would be nothing. I'm partly responsible for your situation. Practically instantly killed. Doesn't seem fair. Reasons for it? Sure. Makes it more fun for my storytelling. I giveth and taketh away. I try to be unbiased. I typically break the rules I very much keep and enjoy bending them For you and your friends. Again...Makes it more fun for my storytelling. Your interactions in our world keep me on my toes as it is. But I am truly curious. How far your potential could really go. Let's see how you fare. Perhaps I'll take it back if you scare me enough.

Dennis gets a Deck of Many More Things

Rusty's meeting with Hephaestus

A clockwork city is a marvel of engineering and ingenuity, a place where the mechanics of the physical world are harnessed in service of civilization. Every inch of the city is a testament to the power of gears, cogs, and pulleys, as clockwork machines of all sizes and shapes work tirelessly to keep the city running smoothly.

The buildings themselves are wonders of design, with intricate clockwork mechanisms built into their foundations and walls. Towers and spires reach towards the sky, their moving parts whirring and clicking with the precision of a well-oiled machine. The streets are lined with lampposts that glow with an otherworldly light, powered by miniature engines hidden deep within their metal frames.

Everything in the clockwork city is interconnected, from the massive waterwheels that power the mills and factories to the tiny gears that control the movement of individual doors and windows. The city hums with the sound of machinery, a symphony of clicks, whirs, and chimes that never ceases.

Rusty, you don't know who I am. But I am well aware of you. Each time you craft something, I can feel it and you are truly exceptional at the craft. This is a perilous endeavor. I would like to give you the gift of my hammer. May it help you in your journey. Also to pass on some knowledge of the craft to those that are worth, I have crafted an infusion for you that will allow your allies and yourself to have an extra attunement slot.

Round 2

Horus wakes up at Bhaal’s table and immediately sneezes up the biggest booger anyone’s ever seen. It reforms itself into a full sized oozy sex doll.

Everyone wakes at full resources, and all levels of exhaustion are gone.

Bhaal’s smug self satisfied grin sours like hot milk in the sun.