Where The Captain completely fails to inform his God that someone is impersonating them.

A sudden excursion

As the Marut approaches Horus with death in its eye, time slows. For once, this isn’t Horus’ fuckery, and it only appears to affect The Captain, Rusty, and Louie. They see a black gauntlet reaching for them.

The Captain appears to recognize the hand, and Rusty picks up on his willingness to be plucked out of space by the hands grasp on his collar. Rusty and Louie also agree to be handled this way.

The mini-party is pulled backwards through Mt Makab followed by multiple layers of reality. The Captain sees a vision of his time on the Dreadnaught, sailing the planar spaces as a happy little psychopomp. Emphasis on Psycho, I expect. Louie sees moonlight and werewolves. Rusty, not having any religion, sees an ill-defined afterlife, which only strengthens his conviction that the entire multiverse is very poorly managed and he needs to step up and organize things.

Arrival nearly where we’re needed

Flying through the planes is apparently exhausting, because Louie and Rusty have to make CON saves vs exhaustion, but both make their saves - after Louie burns 2 inspiration. The party crashes to earth in a bizarre landscape of scalding heat, blackened ground, rivers of blood, and flying cubes throughout the sky. While the party collects itself, two of the flying cubes slam together with a mighty crash. Louie and Rusty are filled with a premonition of doom - that not approaching the cubes would mean our deaths. The Captain, on the other hand, is filled with a conviction to move towards them.

Before the party is a wide, bloody river, which stretches to the horizon in either direction. Tortured souls can be seen inhabiting the river, flowing in both directions in contradiction of logic. Rusty looks on with interest, formulating several hypotheses, but is too sensible to test any of them. It’s pretty obviously the River Styx or a tributary, and touching that water while alive is pretty bad for your health. Unless you have a greek name, when for some reason it grants invulnerability. It’s a bit plot dependent.

The Captain regales us with knowledge from his days ferrying souls - the River Styx connects the Hells with the Abyss, and is used by both Devils and Demons as a means of transport to pursue their eternal Blood War. In defiance of logic, given that it is an endless river, it also terminates in Acheron. The Captain actually recognizes where we are - in Asalas in Acheron. It is said that Bane has a floating fortress here called the Banehold - the largest of the cubes floating above us.

Transport to the Manager

A boat approaches on the river before us. Piloting it is a creature out of nightmares, a haunting, crone-like figure with a blond highlight bob haircut. Rusty recognizes this figure, even though he thought they were creatures of legend - it is a Karen in the wild! It speaks to us in its horrifying, whining, wheedling voice:

Excuse me. I am Karen, and you need to cross this river.

Why?

Because that is what people usually do.

How much will it cost?

I need you each to tell me who you are in a single paragraph. And it’s Karen with a “C”!

Sorry, Charon. Anyway, we each tell our stories in expurgated form, and she welcomes us aboard. We each need to make Dex checks to do so without touching the rivers waters. Rusty says he’ll just use his boots of flying to fly into the boat, and that is when Ethan tells him that they aren’t working. Irritating, but better to find out now, I suppose.

During the passage across the river, The Captain casts Bane on Charon, and it turns out to be super-powered in this place. It literally sews her mouth shut. The trip is thus greatly improved. When we disembark, The Captain leaves it on her.

Cheating Death

We walk toward the Banehold. Travel through this space is contradictory - we get closer and further away at the same time. Eventually the view of the cube above us is clear enough that we can see it is shrouded in a cloud of black dust. On one face is an archway constructed of skulls with glowing eyes. As we reach the edge of the cliff, we see a giant black gauntlet appear. The Captain leaps into the gauntlets palm, and Louie and Rusty follow suit. It rises toward the cube. As we cross the archway’s threshold, we see a blackened metropolis stretch before us. It is packed with the souls of the evil dead - murderers, thieves and rapists. As we walk through their midst, it feels as though we are being guided. We can hear a hissing sound, and we turn to see a decrepit Yuan-ti, it scales rotting off and one eye hanging out of its socket.

Hello my friends. I can see that you are not really dead. Your souls are so pure.

Which just goes to show that if you spend long enough here, your benchmark for pure is shifted a bit.

I can increase your chances of avoiding death. All you must give me is some knowledge.

The Captain resorts to his usual bit of knowledge - 2 + 2 = 4. Rusty tells him that Abyssal Chicken hearts can be used as a material component for Winged Boots. Louie’s knowledge is not recorded. The result is that each of us has the relevant skill check (Arcana, mostly) reduced by -1, but in return we get one Death Save success permanently granted to our characters.

Meeting your Heroes

We travel further and reach a throne room. It is lit on either side with the purple flames from 6 blazing brassieres. Nice. Boobs. Sets the ambience, you know?

At the far end, lounging on the throne, is Bane. He looks like he has a hangover, one hand rubbing his temples and apparently in a bit of pain. He looks up, and his eyes lock on to The Captains. He smirks and says:

Captain. Thank you for answering my summons. My apologies for the late notice. It was sudden, but I had need of my black hand. Hopefully the journey wasn’t too hard.

You have caught me in a bit of a shameful position. I find myself with performance issues, if you will. It took a lot of my energy and power to present myself to you in the Shadowfell. You must be wondering why you are here. To be honest, I have no clue. I’m winging this.

That last bit might have been Ethan talking to himself.

If my information is correct, there is going to be an attack on my divinity any second now. I wanted to get you here earlier, but they will be here at any moment. There will be 3 of them, so I thought I should get my chosen here with his boon companions, and see how they perform.

I am ever a gracious God. I believe there should be give and take.

Cool gifts

He looks up and strokes his finger along the side of his throne. The metals stretches and extrudes like a liquid until it forms a wicked looking rapier. Bane tosses it to The Captain who burns another 2 inspiration to catch it, but finally gets a natural 20. Ethan is somewhat exasperated, because now he has to reward that, and so he allows The Captain to attune more closely to the evolutionary weapon.

This is an extension of myself. It is sentient - it might take it a while to warm to you.

It instantly bonds - it is a +3 Legendary Moonblade with locked runes all over it. One of them is unlocked because of the impressive flourish The Captain caught it with - it critical hits on a 19 or 20.

And what would the companions desire?

Louie asks for big Raymond frog to be here. Bane bids Louie to step forward and place his hand in Bane’s, and to cast a smite. He needs some energy to draw Raymond’s soul through the veils. Louie smites for 4d8 damage and gets 24. Pretty good roll. Bane focuses, and Raymond’s soul materializes. Raymond permanently has an additional 24 HP.

Bane then has a chat with Blackrazor. Apparently they are old buddies. Then he asks The Captain if Rusty deserves a boon. “Yes?” Bane speaks to Rusty:

Some spellcasters reach their peak and then taper off to mediocrity - but perhaps this will not be the case for you.

Rusty is imbued with power. He is empowered with one additional spell slot - one level above whatever his maximum spell slot level currently is. So right now, that is a 4th level slot. Rusty is looking forward to being the first Artificer with a 6th level slot, though that is a fair way off.

In addition, his armour starts to dent, and gemstones appear in the armour. Each gem contains the knowledge of one spell: Fireball, Ice Storm, Moonbeam, Lightning Bolt, Magic Mouth, and Greater Invisibility. Rusty now always has those spells prepared, and they do not count toward his prepared spells. He is also able to shuffle the spells around to select different ones at some point - which is good, because 3 of them are already on Rusty’s “always prepared” list (Fireball, Lightning Bolt and Greater Invisibility), and one of them - Moonbeam - isn’t a spell he can cast anyway. Though maybe now he can? Anyway, cool buff.

I assume you all feel imbued. My Bane-ites have been holding the attackers off, but they are about to break in. The expenditure of energy has caught Tiamat’s attention. She has sent her champions to kill me. Don’t Die.

Mortal Kombat

The throne room door opens to reveal a large red dragonborn wielding a large bone battle-axe and surrounded a greenish hue, coming from his…

“Butt.” Rusty tells him not to worry about irritable bowel syndrome, it affects a lot of people, especially as they get a bit older, and is nothing to be embarrassed about.

HAND! It’s coming from my HAND!

“Sure buddy. Your hand. Seriously, it’s OK, we’re not going to judge you for your senile incontinence.”

To his left is a Tortle with spikes on his shell, wielding a “staff”. It looks more like a Great Hammer with a head made of stylized skulls with more green gas coming out of their mouths.

“Good work bloke! Nice covering for your mate there. Really distracting where the green miamsa is coming from!”

On their right is a huge Minotaur, wielding two flaming scimitars.

“You might want to watch where you’re swinging that flame, buddy! That green stuff is probably packed with Methane, it’s pretty flammable.”

Looking a bit discombobulated by Rusty’s smack talk about his frankly abysmal stench, Arkhan - that’s apparently the Dragonborn’s name - pulls a sweaty, damp bit of paper out of his jockstrap, and uses the slightly degraded scroll to cast a spell. The Captain and Louie make their saves, but Raymond and Rusty fail, and are Polymorphed into Giant Apes.

Finally - silence.

Intiative!

Rusty gets a 28. Arkhan is next, then The Captain on 24. The Tortle is next, then Raymond on 19, Louie on 14, and the Minotaur, whose Dex is apparently his dump stat.

Round 1

Rusty moves forward until he is no longer at long range, and throws a rock at Arkhan, but misses.

Arkhan flies forward and points his green hand’s finger at The Captain and shoots him with a Finger of Death. The Captain fails his Con save and takes 51 points of damage. Then Arkhan shrinks and hides.

The Captain casts Bane on Torogar and Krull. Torogar is the Minotaur, and Krull is the Tortle. Then he shoots Torogar.

Krull casts Healing Word on Torogar, and lightning bolts Louie, Raymond and The Captain (who are conveniently standing in a line).

Raymond runs across the room and throws 2 rocks at Krull. He hits with the first, and crits with the second.

Louie shoots Krull - crit. We are all inspired by this cavalcade of damage, and get advantage on our next rolls.

Torogar charges across the room and gores Louie - crit, but Louie doesn’t take crits. Suck it, Torogar. On his travel across the room he passes Rusty who does an opportunity attack with his fists, but it doesn’t appear to do anything.

Round 2

Rusty runs over to Krull and smashes him with his big ape fists. First hit is a crit, and the second is just a normal hit, but he does enough damage to kill him. Rusty and Raymond are granted the ability to speak, but only to say one thing: “Apes together STRONG!”

Arkhan flies back to Krull, and casts Revivify on him, then Sanctuary.

The Captain casts Bigby’s Hand, tries to hit Krull with it but fails his Wis save against Sanctuary, so hits Arkhan instead. 69 force damage. Then he hides.

Krull attempts to Heal himself. Louie Counterspells. Arkhan Counterspells Louie’s Counterspell; Krull’s Heal goes off. He stands up and thanks Arkhan for saving him.

Raymond throws a rock at Krull and hits (Krull has cast a spell, so Sanctuary is over). Then he does it again, and runs over to where Louie is.

Louie mounts Raymond and hits Torogar, but it doesn’t appear to do anything. This guy is immune to damage! Louie and Raymond move away from Torogar.

Torogar closes the range again, and crits Louie again - sorry, he still doesn’t take crits. Then he misses twice.

Round 3

Rusty hits Krull once, and misses once. Bane flicks a finger at Rusty, hasting him. Nice! He hits Krull again, and then another miss.

Arkhan uses a legendary action to shoot Louie with Finger of Death for 60 damage, dropping him. Then he uses his action to hit Rusty with something that does a bunch of damage, and stuns him. It’s an Int save, and as a Giant Ape, Rusty isn’t making that save without a natural 20, so he’s stunned for the forseeable future.

The Captain shoots Krull twice, dropping him again - but Death Ward activates. Then The Captain uses his bonus action to swat Krull with Bigby’s hand, and smears him to a thin paste on the ground.

Raymond hits Torogar with Blackrazor, and does a crit. Still no damage, but the critical hit special effect is to disarm, so all the damage is applied to one of Torogar’s scimitars, which shatters. Then he runs toward The Captain, taking Louie’s unconscious body with him. Torogar hits him as he leaves.

Torogar runs over to Louie, and hits him twice, killing him. Then he rips one of his legs off, and waves it around like a trophy. Dude, we were going to kill you anyway - now we’re just going to do it harder.

Round 4

Rusty tries to hit Arkhan - misses - then tries to save, and fails.

Arkhan flies over and hits The Captain and Raymond with some AoE attack. The Captain saves, but Raymond doesn’t and flies into the air, before falling back to earth taking 49 fall damage. It’s almost like Ethan allowed Arkhan to cast Reverse Gravity as an instantaneous spell so it wouldn’t take his concentration, that he is using on Mass Polymorph. But that can’t be right.

The Captain attacks Arkhan with his fancy new Rapier. He hits twice for 43 and 34 HP, then he hides.

Raymond throws rocks at Arkhan. First rock does 37HP, but Arkhan is resistant to non-magical damage. Second rock crits (we are on fire tonight!). It does 72 and causes Arkhan to lose his next action.

Torogar can’t see The Captain, so he hits Raymond, doing 33 slashing and 4 fire with his scimitar, followed by 69 from his gore. This is enough to turn Raymond back into a frog.

Oriana sneaks over to Torogar while this is happening and uses Sovereign Glue to glue Torogar’s hooves to the floor - but it normally takes 1 minute to set, so now we have to wait.

But we don’t have to wait long, because Arkhan spots Oriana and uses a Legendary Action to shoot her with Frostbite. Oriana makes her CON save and dodges, but the missed shot hits the Sovereign Glue, instantly setting it. Firstly, awesome. Secondly, it is now canon that we can use cold damage to instantly set Sovereign Glue. That may come in handy at some future time. Torogar is now fixed in place, and we all back away.

Round 5

Rusty loots Krulls body, given that he’s unable to move (stunned) and it’s right next to him. One of the things he picks up is Krull’s hammer, so he throws it at Arkhan as hard as he can. 25 damage, and Arkhan finally fails his concentration check, and Rusty turns back into himself. As himself, that Int save at the end of his turn is child’s play, and he unstuns himself.

Arkhan misty steps away and hides.

The Captain ignores Arkhan’s feeble attempts at subterfuge, instantly spots where he is, and strolls over and hits him twice with his Rapier. Then he bitch-smacks him with Bigby’s Hand, for a critical hit. He uses the Malevolent Metadice to change one of the d8 damage dice to a d20, and does 175 Force damage. The crit card (Wizard) gives him another set of damage dice, for an additional 56 Force damage. Astonishingly, this isn’t enough!

Arkhan uses Legendary Action to shoot Raymond with a Finger of Death, doing 56 necrotic. This guy has an issue with amphibians, apparently.

Raymond tosses Louie’s body in Rusty’s direction, and hits Arkhon with Blackrazor.

Torogar can’t move, has no ranged attacks, and nobody is in melee range. His Rage drops, and the metallic sheen of his skin disappears. Oops. Looks like beef is back on the menu, boys!

Round 6

Rusty casts a Quickened Revivify on Louie, followed by a 4th level Cure Wounds.

Arkhan casts Power Word Kill at Louie (seriously, did a frog f*ck your Mom or something?), but Bane casually Counterspells it. Then Bane casts Regenerate on Louie, and his leg grows back.

The Captain stabs Arkhan again.

Raymond hits Arkhan.

Louie hits Arkham.

Arkhan uses Reverse Gravity again.

Round 7

Rusty shoots Arkhan with lightning.

Arkhan casts Tasha’s Hideous Laughter, and disables The Captain.

The Captain makes his save with an assist of Flash of Genius from Rusty.

Raymond hits Arkhan, and that’s finally enough damage. He dies and Blackrazor eats his soul. Raymond gets 509 temp hit points, which is a good thing because he was down to 1HP. This was upsetting to Ethan.

Bane tidies up by giving Torogar the evil eye, which is nothing to be laughed about if it’s Bane doing it. Torogar explodes.

Loot!

Bane takes Arkhan’s glowing green hand, which turns out to be the Hand of Vecna. But he lets us keep the other stuff.

From Torogar’s remains we get:

From Krull, we get:

  • That skull hammer, which turns out to be a wand, that lets you ignore necrotic damage resistance.

From Arkhan, we get:

There’s no place like home!

Bane returns us to the exact time and place we left, but with some cool new stuff.