All lubed up

Sophie is dead, so we ransack her lab for lube, and get a big tub. The Toymaker retrieves a Hecnamite from the slide, and holds it up over Sophie’s body. We gloat. Then he lets it go to report to Hecna.

We return to the Toymaker’s tent for a rest. During the rest Hecna animates the moon to whinge at us about the state of his life. Loser. We get an invitation to the Funhouse, but the Toymaker does not.

We take stock and determine that we still need:

  • A yucky bit, which should be inside Hecna’s current pet, which we know is in “The Good Place” in the Funhouse.
  • The chair (that Hecna stole).
  • The throttle, which should be in the Funhouse somewhere.

We stealthily move to the funhouse. It is surrounded by inactive Candelabra, so Rusty pops out of the ship to steal a whole, complete, mostly working one. For parts. Then he goes back into the ship. The Funhouse is a huge inflatable bouncy castle. Orianna, obviously, tries to pop it with her needle, but it turns out to be tougher than it looks. Her needle bends like a pole-vaulter’s pole, and launches her back across the courtyard to where The Captain waited.

BTW, The Captain is tired from his last exhausting outing, so has elected to return to the back of the party with Esmerelda and be both invisible and helpful. Occasionally we hear snippets of the James Bond theme being hummed.

Where Hecna breathes all over us.

The tongue of the house unrolls from the door like the world’s grossest red carpet. We enter. It gets suddenly dark. The Captain (the only party member without darkvision, now that Louie has a Robe of Eyes) stumbles about, bumping into Esmerelda. We figure out that Orianna:

  • Has darkvision;
  • Is telepathic;
  • Has a bond with The Captain; and
  • Is small enough to ride on his shoulder.

This ends up being enough that The Captain doesn’t spend the rest of the night bumping into things.

Hecna chooses this moment to pipe up: “What’s more fun than fear?” “Sex!”, says Dennis. That shut him up for a moment, which was a blessed relief. Hecna then soldiers on and tells us about his Funhouse, thinking he is just the shit. Yeah, yeah, buddy, tell it to the hand.

Mirror, mirror

The next corridor has 5 floating, rotating mirrors in it. It seemed obvious that they would create evil opposites, so we carefully stayed behind them, and Dennis tried to smash one with his spear. The mirror stole it. After some deliberation, we decide to enter the mirror to get it back, but we failed to specify that we were holding hands, so ended up in different places. Honestly, we weren’t trying to split the party, it just happened!

Louie finds himself in a dark room, with a cracked mirror on one wall. The cracks in the mirror spell out the words “Nothing is ever enough.” The reflections of Louie and Raymond grin maniacally at them, and they turn to see their evil counterparts ready to attack. I knew that would happen!

Meanwhile, Dennis

Dennis finds himself in a cramped room, with a mirror on one wall. On the mirror, spelled out in blood, are the words “Will you be a rising dream, or a falling star.” For no explainable reason, this is not accompanied by a picture of a kitten hanging from a tree branch. Bones and blood are strewn across the floor. 3 figures in the corner arise. Vampires!

The center vampire asks “Why can’t I smell your blood?” One of his friends says “Just because you can’t smell it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.” Dennis responds with “Hello. Look at your friend. Now back to me. Now back to your friend. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me - but if he stopped using lady-scented body wash and switched to Old Spice he could smell like he’s me.” Unfortunately this was completely lost on them because they are uncultured fools, and we had to show Ethan this.

The leader then tells Dennis that if he can pay the price, he may pass - and the price is blood. I’m sure this was supposed to be a problem, given that Dennis doesn’t have any of his own. However, and even Dennis can’t remember why, Dennis has a vial of blood in his backpack (it was written on the character sheet and everything!). He tosses it to the center vampire, saying “There you go.”

The center vampire says “You may pass”. The vampire on the left asks him “What have you got there, Tommy?”.

“Nothing, Jimmy” says the center vampire, trying to hide the vial. I tell Jimmy that Tommy is holding out on him, and Jimmy straight up snaps Tommy’s neck, and picks up the vial. Jimmy says to Billy “We’ll share it”.

Apparently Billy doesn’t believe him, and moves to attack. Initiative! Dennis wins, Jimmy is next, then Billy. Dennis stuns and drops Billy in the opening round. Tommy comes back to life, enters the initiative order just before Jimmy and takes a swing. His critical hit nearly kills Jimmy, and blinds him. Jimmy, on his turn, swings blindly but misses everything. Dennis gets another go and proceeds to Billy all over Tommy, killing him in one round. Dennis then hands the vial back to Jimmy (who had dropped it when he was sucker punched).

Dennis then offers to burn Tommy and Billy’s bodies, but Jimmy says no. Dennis ask Jimmy that if he sees a spear, to shove it through the mirror, please, and then steps through the mirror himself.

Meanwhile, Louie

Louie and Raymond face off against themselves, but they have a secret weapon - The Captain is with them, providing them with advantage. In addition, Louie’s morning-star is still coated in silver, so it does double damage against the reflections, but their morning-star only does normal damage versus Louie and Raymond.

On the other hand, Eiuol and Dnomyar are being played by Scott, so it balances out.

The battle was legendary, with smites and spells flying everywhere! Louie and Raymond do win, but Louie is down to single digit HP at the end.

Do you want to play a game?

When Dennis, Louie and Raymond step through their mirrors, they find themselves in the same room. That’s cool and all, but even better - Dennis’ spear is there, lying on the ground! “I knew Jimmy would come through for me!”

The room has a table in the middle, with three people sitting at it playing cards. The obligatory mirror has the message “Everybody wants to be a star” spelled out on it.

The game we have to play is:

  • We guess what the top card of the deck is
  • The dealer draws the card
  • If we’re right, we may pass through
  • If we’re wrong, we take 1d12 of a random damage type (we roll 1d10 to determine the type)

There are no clever tricks we can figure out to shorten our odds - we tried the magic 8 ball, and it helped, but didn’t actually pay off, and after a while stopped working. It took over 20 draws for us both to get through - at some point the damage went up to 2d12. Louie had to be healed up several times, at the end he was almost out of Lay on Hands, and Dennis was almost out of Ki. But we got out.

Hecna thinks he’s funny

The next room is a Comedy Club, and Louie and Dennis have to participate in a roast. We all write down 5 jokes, and one of us needs to win to be allowed to proceed. Our opponents are HeckHa, and HeckHaa, the Tweedledum and Tweedledee of the Revalia. So the bar was set low.

Once Ethan has all of our entries, he types them into his computer and randomizes them. This results in there being rounds where some people do not have entries, and others where they have multiple - but this was probably the best joke by HeckHa or HeckHaa all night, so we didn’t mind.

The Jokes were:

Round 1

  1. Some day you’ll meet a doppelganger of yourself and be disappointed by how unfunny you are!
  2. I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it in this entire revelia!
  3. How did heckna/heckha become the host of the comedy club? For a guy whose jokes flop so hard, he should be running the flophouse.
  4. What does a frog do with paper. Rip it. Rip it.

Round 2

  1. Heckna your momma’s so ugly, clerics try to turn her!
  2. Would you like me to remove the curse of a clown not being funny? Oh my mistake, you were just born that way!
  3. It annoys me that people don’t donate more to help Africa. For a tiny fee we could buy mosquito netting for all the kids, and save millions of mosquitos from dying of aids every year.
  4. I was so annoyed when I stole Heckna’s eye, because the next time I saw him, he still had 2. What kind of BS is that?

Round 3

  1. When your god put teeth underneath that smile, he ruined a perfectly good asshole!
  2. Heckna I was thinking of casting feeblemind, but I doubt it would work on you!
  3. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow Moooo
  4. Heckna & Sophie went camping. In the middle of the night, Sophie asked Heckna what he could tell by looking at the stars. He waxed on about stars, aliens and stuff. Why Sophie what do you see? Someone stole our tent!

Round 4

  1. How does it feel that you’re a clown that is not worthy of anyone casting a decent spell on you!
  2. By the gods Heckna your ugly, I bet your father regrets not pulling out when he had the chance!
  3. Heckna is so ugly, he isn’t cool enough to be mistaken for a pedophile.
  4. Knock knock. Who’s there? ………no one because as far as I’m aware there are no doors.

Round 5

  1. Do you know Heckna, that if you were at a party surrounded by female zombies, the only thing you’d pull is a hamstring!
  2. I’d insult your parents you stupid clown, but you probably don’t know who they are!
  3. The guy whose eternal torment was being stuck in the tunnel of love forever? The real torture was having to hear Heckna on the speakers all day.
  4. So I bet everyone trapped in the mirror rooms is relieved because they don’t have to listen to this. Heckha more like heckna, this blows.

Louie wins the night with 3 wins from 5 rounds. The party moves on.

Where are we?

The party finds itself in a square room, the walls and ceiling are almost completely covered with mirrors, and the floor is covered with red carpet. Knowing Heckna, it’s probably sticky. The message on the windows says “Do you even know who you are any more?” This sounds less creepy, and more like a cry for help from a lost little boy. But who cares?

Close