Well, the basement, anyway.

Last week we managed to gain access to the sub-basement of the hospital by the stratagem of waiting for the receptionist to go to the loo, and sneaking down the back while she was distracted.

But there’s a lore dump

While we were waiting, we were joined by Thauvia who told us she had just spent a wonderful time sailing about on the Dreadnaught causing chaos up and down the coasts of Lamordia. Somehow The Captain had wrangled that into 5 writs for every crew member, the silver-tongued bastard.

In addition, for some reason, we got a comprehensive list of what you can get from the University Theses department.

First, ground rules:

• Items cannot be removed from the archives, so a person will need the writ to access the university thesis archive to make use of these.
• They take a while to sink in, so any given person can only benefit from this once every few sessions.

Back to the basement

The sub-basement tunnels were quite cramped, so Wit and Raymond, our really big party members, remained up top. They were tracking the progress of the party overland as best they could, staying within 120’ so Wit could talk to everyone.

This tunnel is wet and stinky.

Louie starts us off by following the tracks in the basement. Someone has been moving heavy loads down here on trolleys. The loading area that the tracks lead to is empty now, but shows distinct signs of having been used to hold prisoners. There are scratches on the walls, and the place reeks of stale sweat, fear, and excrement. We find a scrap of a manifest with Gedding’s signature on it.

Further down the tunnel, we see the boiler room in the distance, but Louie gets suddenly nervous because he could swear that the floor tile depressed when he stepped on it. He’s been an adventurer long enough to know that means he sprang a trap, but nothing happened.

Rusty levers the tile up to look underneath, and sure enough, there are pneumatic pipes leading away in three different directions, but without tearing up the floors and walls to see where they go, there’s no way to tell what they do.

We move a little further along, and Ethan asks (suspiciously) how many of the party members don’t need to breathe. Everyone says they do need to breathe, because Dennis isn’t there, and Jim isn’t there, and everyone forgot about Horus. Ethan should have also asked who was immune to poison, because that would have been Louie. In any case, for no reason, the entire party has to make CON saves a little later, which we all make magnificently. Then a few rounds later, we make our saves magnificently again. If it wasn’t for the Duergar we run into, we would never have known what that flagstone triggered.

What Duergar? Friedrich, the 52 year old maintenance worker who we meet coming in the opposite direction. Cleetus, who is up front, takes this opportunity to wheel out this parties trademarked ruse, the OH&S team. He sympathizes with Friedrich’s predicament, and we assure him that his only concern is the maintenance standard - which so far, has been excellent. Any hazards that fall foul of OH&S laws are the problem of the managers who directed their construction. Friedrich turns out to be very helpful, and even turns off the paralytic gas that is now filling the tunnels. (So that’s what the flagstone did!)

The secret tunnels are much nicer

After seeing Friedrich off, we head past the boiler to the door we know about from the map in Volmer’s office. The door in question is heavily locked, with very clearly and aggressively worded warnings telling us to stay out. We’d be very worried if we could read.

Cleetus uses the key we found in Volmer’s office to unlock the door, and when we open it, both Cleetus and Rusty are caught in the trap as the doors swing from a central hinge like a Venus fly trap to smash us. Hmm. It didn’t hurt that much, and Rusty takes a moment to look at the mechanism. Luckily for us, the makers of the trap were a bit too clever, and instead of just opening the wrong way, they made the doors operate differently depending on how you operated the handle. Use the handle normally - get smashed. Operate the handle in the wrong direction, and the doors open normally. Cackling evilly, Rusty turns the handle mechanism over, so if you use the handle normally, the door works normally, but if you use it the secret way, you get smashed.

This will become important later.

Beyond the trapped doors is a vestibule opening onto a well maintained, hygienically clean laboratory corridor. In the vestibule, however, there are delivery crates with radioactivity warnings, and steam coming out of them. Rusty is briefly distracted and really wants to look inside, but the other party members strongly dissuade him from that course of action. This is lucky, because once he has been de-nerd-sniped, he remembers the password - “progress”. “Progress” says Rusty. “Progress?” says Cleetus. “Thank you for authorization. Deactivating security mechanisms” says Siri. Ooo, that’s cool. Rusty might come back here to steal that central AI.

Where did this guy come from?

Horus takes the lead heading further in, which shocks the hell out of the rest of the party, who had all forgotten he was there. As he walks, his skin bubbles and a bit of Zublilex drips out and mutters a typically cryptic statement: “Do you feel it, my vessel? The pulse beneath the stone, the taste of the unseen? The walls here drink the living. My servant waits shapeless, silent, patient. Its hunger is my own. Be aware to not touch what is mine. It waits. Invisible. Hungry. Horus them comes back to himself and hawks a gob of Zubilex up. Gross, dude!

Rusty was willing to write it off as typical useless cryptic nonsense, but it turns out Zubilex was actually being helpful for a change. Invisible, until our attention was drawn to it, there is a gelatinous cube partially filling the hallway. It’s an Acrobatics check to squeeze past. Cleetus, Thauvia and Louie all scoff at such a trivial requirement and flit past, pirouetting and doing back flips.

Rusty is not so happy. This kind of shit is why he was never in any of the sports teams. With a sinking sense of doom, he rolls his acrobatics check, looking mournfully at his measly +1.

Natural 20, baby!

So that turned out to be easy, and the gelatinous cube lets out a mournful whimper as we leave it behind.

Where Ethan learns to be nastier

At the end of the hall is a door with 4 locks. Rusty looks carefully at them, and is informed by Ethan that all 4 need to be unlocked to open the door. Scott gives him a quick lesson on being evil - “If it were me, you would have to unlock three of them, but one would already be unlocked, so if you just picked all three, the door would still be locked. And the last one would explode if you even tried to pick it.”

So we’ve got that to look forward to.

Rusty picks the first lock easily, and when he moves on to the next one, he hears the bolt of the first one clunking back into place. They’re timed locks, and they have to be opened simultaneously.

Or do they? Rusty asks if they are pin and barrel locks, because if they are, then he could pick one, leave a tension bar in it, and have one of the other party members hold the tension, preventing it re-locking, while Rusty worked through the others. Ethan asks “What? A Pin and Carbunkle what? What are you talking about?” So we have to just have each party member pick one of the locks each. Sigh.

Astoundingly, we all succeed.

So come on up to the lab!

Beyond the very secure door is a nightmarish laboratory. Operating tables with built-in restraints, preservative tanks with bodies in various stages of disassembly, the odor of formaldehyde and death. There doesn’t appear to be anyone here, so we search the area comprehensively.

The tables are designed for neural surgery, specifically on living subjects.

We find detailed logs of each subject that was experimented on, where they came from, what was done to them, and how they died.

We find manuals detailing how to create the preservative compounds, paralytic agents and neural stimulants they have been using.

One of the preservative tanks contains the remains of a female rock gnome who bears a familial similarity to Otto Brenner.

And see what’s on the slab!

Thauvia, who has been standing in the background and feeling a bit superfluous, releases her pent-up aggression by punching a wall so hard it collapses and reveals a hidden cell. Inside the cell is Josef Richter, Helena’s cousin. He is near death, mind broken, begging for death. Louie starts the process of healing him using Lay on Hands. He recovers enough to accompany us, and the party decides it is time to escort Josef to safety.

We form up in marching order: Rusty, then Cleetus, then Louie with Josef, Thauvia, and Rusty bringing up the rear.

Wait, what?

Cleetus looks at Rusty in front of him, and spins back to Rusty behind him - then Rusty behind him blurs forward to Louie, who also goes blurry. Louie takes damage, and as our vision clears, there’s 2 Louies. Combat is about to ensue (and we were going to smear that guy), but a voice rings out “Stop! Don’t hurt him! We’re in love!”

That was weird enough that everyone stops and looks at Emily Bollenbach. She, as it transpires, is a medical student employed in this facility, but she has been progressively more concerned about what they are doing here. Seemingly, she was fine murdering ordinary people, but she has some sort of weird Doppelganger fetish and fell in love with DopDop. Now she comes over all noble. Not noble enough to do anything herself, or even be a whistle blower - but noble enough to take advantage of our actions and flee with her lover as the hammer comes down.

Rusty is a bit sickened by this, but he’s just disconcerted enough to hold his peace when he notes that DopDop has a Telepathic Shroud. The only creatures that have that ability are Flumphs. Initially Rusty thought that maybe DopDop was one of his parents, wearing a suit of armour like he was - except their suit is biological instead of mechanical. This turned out not to be the case, but obviously Xal’ytith has been here.

Making our escape

Well, Emily and DopDop’s escape, the moral cowards. Emily tells us of a secret exit from the tunnels that leads to a disused part of the docks. She has not been able to use it to escape, because one of Volmer’s lab assistants - Werner Scholz - has a room right by the exit, and he’s a fanatic.

So we escort them there, and come across Werner, a nerdy weakling. He is a bit fanatical, though - he keeps yelling about how they are making important scientific progress the whole time Cleetus chokes him out. Once he is subdued, we strap him to one of the operating tables that we rip off its moorings. We attach straps to the other side, and Thauvia wears it like a backpack. Werner wakes up at some point, so we have to gag him using Cleetus’ socks. The dirty ones.

Emily and DopDop head down the tunnel, and Wit arranges for The Captain to sail The Dreadnaught to where they will emerge. They promise to stay on The Dreadnaught, and to come and testify if we ever get all this inside a courtroom.

With a side trip for a denouement

As we exit the facility, we stumble across an office, containing Volmer and 2 Helmed Horrors. He is genteel and quite willing to bribe the crap out of us. He also offers to throw his other 2 co-conspirators, Gedding and Krause, under the bus. Cleetus won’t shake on it though, but instead goes in for a hug. Cleetus is a hugger. Volmer responds by shooting all four of us. Well, missing all four of us. The ricochets killed both Helmed Horrors. Smooth, idiot.

Cleetus pins Volmer down and we tie him up. We’re deciding between the merits of making some sort of baby carrier for Thauvia, or just turning Volmer upside down and tying him to Werner, 69 style. Thauvia takes offense at being no more than a pack horse, though. Our plan B is vacillating between which of the other party members should carry him, but this turns out to be unnecessary. We hear the approach of four of Lamordia’s constabulary. Leading them is Senior Constable Voss, a stern woman with steel grey hair and a surname suspiciously similar to one of the victims.

S.C. Voss has been informed by a mutual acquaintance (Otto) that the party might be here, and to provide assistance. Thankfully all four of the constables have made it down into the tunnels without injury. This tells Rusty that they did not know the trick of the door, and are therefore not a part of the conspiracy. We knew that would come in handy!

After both parties identify each other to our mutual satisfaction (why does that sound dirty?), S.R. Voss escorts us all back to the law courts and the cells, where Volmer and Werner are to be incarcerated. On the way, Rusty telepathically informs Voss of the demise of her relative, and expresses the parties condolences.

Lock em up, Danno!

At the courts, we divest ourselves of our captives, and meet up with Otto to prepare our prosecution. Helena arrives and tearfully greets Josef. She pays the party an additional 500 Lamode and one writ. Otto gives Cleetus one writ, and assigns legal defence rights to the rest of the party.

The case of the century

Dramatis Personae

• Barnabus, defense attorney. A smiling assassin, and I’m pretty sure he is bribing or blackmailing the jury. Played by Dan.
• Rock Left, prosecuting attorney. Looks like a guy off Suits. All show, little substance. Played by Zoe.
• Jess Lockett, prosecuting attorney. Around 50, Jess was a police officer for a highly decorated career before specializing in prosecution. She has a long chain of scumbags put behind bars. Played by Scott.

Note: Zoe would like to express her objection to Scott’s character on the basis of identity theft.

Charges

• Unlawful acquisition of flesh rights.
• Unlawful acquisition of bodies.
• Unlawful imprisonment.
• Experimentation on unwilling human subjects.
• Murder.
• Corruption of the Mail.
• Destruction of Lamordia Police Department property.
• Attempted Bribery.

Process

At the end of each point made, the defense and the prosecution will roll a d20. If Ethan believes that one side did better than the other, he will grant that side advantage. Whoever rolls better wins that round. First to seven wins, and for some reason the defense starts with one.

Which is ridiculous - this ends up being a dice game. Why are we even talking?

Opening remarks

The prosecution started with an impassioned plea by Jess Lockett: “We will show that the defendants knowingly embarked on a premeditated series of illegal acts, attempted to hide their crimes, and in doing so committed multiple acts of fraud, kidnapping, false imprisonment, torture, vivisection, and finally, murder. The defense will attempt to obfuscate the truth, crying ‘Circumstantial!’ at every opportunity. I would remind you all, that the standard of proof for this case is the balance of the evidence. The defendants have repeatedly, if poorly, attempted to cover their tracks. I am confident that the wisdom of the courts, and the intelligence of our jurors, will see through their childish attempts to hide their hideous crimes.”

Barnabus responded for the defense: “My client is not a monster, he is a man of science. And what is our nation if not a nation of science? To attempt to impede the process of science with ethical concerns is to undermine the nations very foundations! My client should be lauded, not hounded by small minds!” Psst! What? Hold on, what? What do you mean I’m supposed to be defending all three of them? That wrecks my whole strategy! Your honour, the defense requests a recess!

On the case of Unlawful Acquisition of flesh rights.

The prosecution shows the contracts found in the university, and shows that they were all signed by Gedding, who is by law not allowed to sign flesh rights contracts.

The defense claims the documentation may have been forged.

We run out of time and roll - defense wins.

Next week we will re-visit this.

We never got to draw the jury’s attention to the copies of the contracts registered with the records office, whose provenance is unquestionable.

We’ve all been to a lecture like this

The party is attending a lecture while trying to pay attention to a lecture in the room across the corridor, when a riot breaks out. The party is carried away by the crush of people.

It drags us to Free Market Square where we observe Slimy McLawyer-Face offering cash to poor people for their flesh rights. They are surrounded by a ring of Helmed Horrors, facing outward, holding back a larger circle of screaming rioters. While we watch, another taker makes his way through the crowd.

Nobody in the party was completely sure what Ethan wanted us to do. No laws were being broken, and Rusty wasn’t even sure what the issue was. What do you care what happens to your corpse after you die? (Given that resurrection is not possible here). As long as the new rights owners aren’t actively bumping off their clients, it’s all good. Whatever.

Horus is a sneaky bastard

We are interrupted by a Skyrim commoner with a fanny pack, who gives Wit a letter. Ethan tries to give us a clue by saying that the seal was a bit funny, which sends Wit down a whole “booby-trap” rabbit hole. Horus is no longer distracted by rabbit holes, though, and along with Cleetus, corner the delivery guy, and extract a confession from him that he is spying on the mail. Not all the mail - just the mail from the Municipal Records Office. He’s being paid by Dr Anya Krause to report anything unsavory or scandalous about the University to her. We’ve got him over a barrel, and Horus manages to turn the intelligence asset over to our cause, creating a double agent for us. Once what happened is explained to Rusty, he resolves to be much more careful with information security around Horus - that guy is sneakier than he was as a rabbit.

Oh right - the letter. The seal was funky because Mr Skyrim was spying on it. Inside was a blank sheet of paper, which Rusty and Wit instantly recognized as a lemon juice steganographic cipher. Louie was excited to finally be able to use his candle which he’s been carrying around for several years. The letter was from Otto Brenner at the Municipal Records office.

In the meantime, Louie the small frog is challenged to an arm wrestling contest by a ripped Duergar called GarGar. After the contest was concluded, it was revealed that GarGar was the local arm wrestling champion, but no longer - he was effortlessly crushed by Louie, who was simultaneously poisoning GarGar (no gloves allowed) while wearing a Belt of Storm Giant Strength.

At the Records Office

We proceed to the records office, where we meet Otto. He’s a Rock Gnome, and he proceeds to talk in code at us for a while. Rusty and Wit look at each other and contemplate moving the whole conversation to telepathy, but Ethan is having so much fun they didn’t have the heart.

He walks us through post-mortem contracts, and in the process “accidentally” drops a heap of them on the desk. As he cleans them up, Rusty (who has keen mind!) memorizes them. They are for Josef Richter, Wilhelm Strauss, Kaspar Drelk, Amelia Sturmberg, Rolf Anselm, Cordelia von Frostberg, Andrei Voss, Leopold Sturmwald, Pieter Haas, Dieter Rabenfels, and Clara Brenner. Seven of the named individuals are now deceased, but there is no indication that they were murdered. Even so, a mortality rate of 64% over a matter of months is highly suspicious. Many of the contracts have been witnessed by Professor Gedding, and all of the others were witnessed by University faculty - which is clearly illegal. Analysis of the signatures also indicates that some of the principals were nervous or coerced.

While we are there we purchase a bunch of rights, using some of the writs we have accumulated. Cleetus gets Legal Consultation Services, and Otto can act as a legal representative for him. Louie gets the right to request an audience with the Baron, advanced medical rights, and flesh rights. Horus gets access to research theses at the University, and access to the University laboratories. Rusty gets access to the commercial district, and the right to trade in restricted goods.

Then we head to the university.

This is a really interesting hallway

We’re on our way to the University hospital, and find ourselves wandering past a bunch of offices in a hallway. Before us is a brass plaque with the title “Professor Henrik Volmer” written on it. This is the guy who was holding that lecture, and who definitely isn’t killing his experimental subjects. We try the door, but it is locked. Disillusioned, the party turns away before deciding to check again, and find they were mistaken - the door is unlocked! Rusty looks away innocently.

Now that the door is unlocked, the only member of the party who has the right to legally defend himself - Cleetus - enters the office and looks around. Soon afterward, Rusty and Horus are overcome with frustration and enter too. Louie, Raymond, Gary and Wit remain outside, loitering in the hall.

Inside we find:

• A partial map which shows the old sciences building’s easter wing, with instructions to access it through the hospital sub-basement tunnel, third passage past the boiler room. It also notes that there is a ward at the tunnel entrance - the password is “progress” - and an admonition to avoid the main tunnels during evening shift changes.
• A student roster with 7 names circled. They are Josef Richter, Clara Brenner, Wilhelm Strauss, Pieter Haas, Andrei Voss, Rolf Anselm, Kaspar Drelk - all the contracts on our suspicious list that were signed by Professor Gedding. That guy is shady as fuck.
• Rustinium’s Tome. It is encrypted, but Horus and Rusty race to see who can decrypt it first. Rusty wins, barely.
• Professor Volmer’s Personal Research Notebook, Vol 3. Again, encrypted, but this one was simple and Rusty does it in his head. It’s “signed” by Rhevik M Loner, which is an anagram of Henrik Volmer, and not even a tricky one.

We steal both books, and make a copy of the student roster.

Cleetus checks the filing cabinet, and it is locked so he wanders off. A bit later, Rusty checks it and finds it open, so he calls Cleetus back. Inside we find:

• All the flesh rights contracts with all 11 experimental subjects: Josef Richter, Clara Brenner, Wilhelm Strauss, Kaspar Drelk, Greta Lühn, Rolf Anselm, Lena Gottschalk, Andrei Voss, Marta Szelenyi, Pieter Haas, and Tobias Merk.
• A draft contract to sell a consciousness transfer technique to the Baron for 50,000 Lamode and blanket amnesty.

We steal one of the flesh rights contracts and the draft.

In the meantime, Horus finds a secret drawer in the desk which contains a brass key labelled “Easter Laboratory”, and a vial of red liquid. They are added to the pilfered haul.

While we were in there, a Helmed Horror appears, patrolling the corridor. Wit warns us with time to prepare. Cleetus dives under the desk (easily making his stealth check). Rusty lies down along the corridor wall so he cannot be seen from outside. This works after it is explained to Ethan that Rusty is not large all the time - it is a feature of his armor which takes a bonus action to activate. Normally he is medium. He also makes his stealth check easily.

Horus does not. I lost count of how many advantages and retries he used up, but it was dismal. So, as the Helmed Horror floats into view, he freezes in place, pretending to be an anatomical exhibit. It peers at him, but now it’s not a stealth check, it is a deception check - and Horus can make those. Mollified, it moves on. It asks Louie, Raymond, Wit and Gary if it can help them. They say they are looking for Professor Brenner’s office - could they get directions? The Helmed Horror helpfully points out the correct office and moves on.

We make a note of the frequency of patrols, and get the hell out of dodge 5 minutes before it comes back.

Research Theses - the good stuff

On our way to the hospital, we pass a sign saying “Private Area - Research Theses”. Horus wants to take a look, so Wit forms a permanent telepathic connection with him in case anything happens while he is out of our sight. Inside, he finds a bunch of papers on some awesome shit - a full set of stat raising tomes specific to Lamordia, a way to naturally raise AC, and to gain expertise in a skill. In a moment of stunning inattention, Horus failed to steal any of them. He also found a paper co-authored by Volmer, Geddy and Krause on the theory of consciousness transfer.

There were also records of:

• A massive increase in Professor Volmer’s research funding, augmented by an anonymous donor 3 months ago.
• An approval for Dr Kellan to switch his research field to Psionics.
• An article noting Dr Mordenheim’s expulsion from the University for unethical research 15 years ago. The journalist was Jim Weathers.

Why does this hospital have no roof?

On our way in to the hospital, we come across that same Helmed Horror again. We trick him, for a while, into thinking Horus is a display we are carrying to Professor Gedding. Then we get to the receptionist, and she recognises Horus as “Professor Hopkins” and welcomes him back, and provides directions to Professor Gedding’s office. The same fucking Helmed Horror is assigned to escort us, and he is giving us weird looks. Honestly, how does this happen? Does the University only have funding for one security guy?

Anyway, we get to Professor Gedding’s office, and he mistakes us for a group he was supposed to show around the University. We go on the guided tour, and we find it very interesting, until we are returned to the lobby.

At this moment, Horus has a psychotic break and straight up murders the receptionist, then squares off against the entire Ludendorf constabulary. Then he returns to his original identity and everything is retconned. We get the receptionist to direct us toward the sub-basement tunnels, and head down. I think that goddamn Helmed Horror is still escorting us.

Really old Mutated Undead Turtle.

As the party finds itself spread around a turtle island, they see the Dreadnaught sail into view. The Captain, Dennis, and Thauvin stand on the upper decks, coming to join the fight.

Initiative! Horus gets 33. Dennis 26. The Captain 23. Rusty 23, but slower. Louie and Raymond 21. The Turtle 19. The Dreadnaught 17. Cleetus 14. Thauvin 13.

Round 1

Horus has to save against swamp slime at the start of his turn, and fails, so he is partially paralyzed. He still manages to shoot the turtle, but he misses. He gets to save against paralysis again at the end of his turn, and frees himself.

Dennis activates Step of the Wind, and brings Thauvia with him. They cross the map entirely to the point that Dennis identified as the most vulnerable spot on the turtles body. The Turtle spits crap at us as we approach - Dennis makes his Dex save and takes no damage. Thauvia also made her save, but doesn’t have evasion, and takes 49 necrotic damage.

The Captain fires an arrow from the Dreadnaught, but misses this things ridiculous AC. 29 to hit is insufficient. He gets the Dreadnaught to fire chains onto the beast to anchor it to the ship.

Rusty fails his save against the tendrils and is grappled. He takes a little necrotic damage, but otherwise does not care. He takes a swing at the tentacles with his hammer but is not capable of breaching that insane AC. Minion fires Shatter from his spell storing device, and does almost the minimum possible damage - 4 on 3d8 - which is then halved because this thing made its CON save. It did teach us that it is susceptible to Thunder damage, though, and takes a persistent penalty from the nervous damage. Wit also fails his save vs grapple, also doesn’t care, and casts Haste on Thauvia.

Louie jumps down into the cavern with Thauvia and Dennis and starts swinging. Turns out this is the vulnerable place because the AC is lower here, and Louie goes to fucking town. 56 damage, then 51 damage from two successive non-critical hits. Raymond joins the party with 42.

Now it’s the dragons turn, and it has incredible luck. It starts by getting a critical hit on The Captain, but Horus casts Silvery Barbs and puts a stop to that. The re-roll was a miss. Next it takes a swing at Cleetus, and gets another critical hit. This time Wit casts Silvery Barbs (though he was sorely tempted by Temporal Shunt), but this time the re-roll is still a hit. Cleetus takes damage, and is swallowed. The tail takes a swing at the people in the weak spot. Dennis makes his save and has evasion, so takes no damage. Thauvia makes her save, but takes half damage. Raymond fails his save but has evasion and takes half damage. Louie fails his save and takes full damage.

Finally the Turtle tries to submerge, but the chains from the Dreadnaught hold it up - on one side, at least. Thauvia jumps on Raymond and she, Raymond and Louie fly upwards away from the encroaching water. Cleetus is inside the beast, so it makes no difference to him. The Captain and Horus are on the up side of the Turtle and stay out of the water anyway. Rusty and Wit are grappled and pulled under, but they have a plan. Dennis is not grappled, but he just doesn’t care and stays on station. Above water, under water - it’s all the same to him.

The Dreadnaught gets a go. It fails its contested STR check, and the chains holding up the Turtle break. It then opens fire with its broadsides, but misses that stupid AC all 3 times.

Cleetus, inside the Turtle’s mouth, makes his save against being swallowed. He takes a fair bit of acid damage, but then does some amateur dentistry from inside and knocks out a few teeth, and the over-swing cuts through a cheek. His first hit is a crit, and when that happens, Dennis notices that a scale falls off the Turtle at the weak spot. Dennis relays this information to Wit, who passes it on to everyone else. Cleetus, emboldened by this success, keeps going and even uses his action surge to fish for more crits - but no luck. He finishes his turn by using some of his movement to exit via the hole he cut in the cheek.

Thauvia jumps down from Raymond and starts swinging at the beast, but she’s no longer in the weak spot, and cannot beat that ridiculous AC.

Round 2

Horus jumps down into the underwater cloaca where Dennis is. He attacks and does 19 necrotic with a crit, the card effect of which was that the beast gets disadvantage on attacks against Horus from now on. Unfortunately, the necrotic damage heals the beast for 39HP. This has the side-effect of confusing the stupid creature into thinking Horus was his friend, which gives Horus another free action. Learning from that mistake, he casts Guiding Bolt on it (radiant damage) and crits again! 43 radiant damage and a scale falls off, and the crit card says triple damage, so after some back and forth, 3 scales fall off! We’re at 5 from 6 required scales! Horus is the crit god.

Dennis now decides to go to work. He has advantage on his first attack (thanks Horus), and chains that up with every hit with his Gloves of Soul Catching to get advantage on all 5 of his hits. 10 rolls of d20, and not a single crit. A metric shitload of damage, though - somewhere in the range of 170HP. It’s looking even sicker than normal.

Now it’s The Captain’s turn, and Oh My God. He rolls a crit too, on a sneak attack, and somehow manages to draw the same triple damage card. 297 points of damage, and 3 more scales fly off the weak spot.

It’s practically dead now anyway, but Dennis applies the poison to the exposed area, and it dies for good now.

It’s final words, whispered to Cleetus (who is swimming by its head) are “Avenge the love I had in life - my handsome Zaratan.” Thauvin makes a survival check to remember that Zaratan is a mythical elemental turtle, who has been sleeping - pretty much forever. I’m certain that has nothing to do with the mountain range called “Sleeping Beast Mountains”. That’s definitely just poetic license for a volcanic range.

Off to Ludendorf

All aboard the Dreadnaught, we head for Ludendorf. A long rest is had by all. Rusty tries tinkering eye beam adapters for Wit, and succeeds on the Aversion, Fear, Psychic, Stun and Telekinesis rays. He fails on the Slow ray though, and will have to have another go later.

On our trip we pass Schloss Cutter, which appears abandoned. Rusty notes that for later squatting rights. We also pass Schloss Aubrecker, which The Captain informs us is the residence of Baron Vilhelm von Aubrecker, the ruler of Lamordia. He hasn’t been seen for 20 years, and all communication is through his butler. Not at all suspicious.

The Dreadnaught anchors in Ludendorf harbout, and we go ashore to find Professor Conrad Eisenheit. He turns out to be easy to locate, and we relay to him the events of Turtle island. He is saddened to hear of the death of his friend John Smith, but astonished that we dealt with the Turtle. He’s so happy that he ups the reward from one writ, to one writ each. Nice. He also gives us all photo IDs for University access.

While we are chatting, Dr Amelia finds us, and has a religious experience just looking at CC. She hands over a writ, and Rusty reluctantly transfers control of CC to her.

Louie is not, as it turns out, a diplomat

At the university, we see a noticeboard that alerts us to a quest:

We also spot a young lady, carrying alchemical supplies and rushing to her next class. It’s Helena. Louie yells “Helena”, and she turns around. Louie obviously wants to run this interaction, so we leave him to it.

We should not have left him to it.

Helena takes it surprisingly well, probably only because Ethan was incapable of role playing that train wreck off the cuff. She proceeds to her next class, but Rusty was expecting another party kill attributed to blunt speech. She does tell us that her cousin, Joseph, has disappeared recently. She has been meaning to look into it, but hasn’t had time. We agree to do so for her. Everyone was feeling pretty sorry for her by this point.

Widow Kessler’s Rooms

Despite sounding like a house of ill repute, Joseph’s land lady turns out to be entirely unattractive, a bit suspicious, and smelling of burnt cabbage. We had almost won her over when Martin appears in Joseph’s rooms, sees us, and does a runner. Well, if they’re not guilty, why would they run? Thauvia takes off after Martin. I should point out that Martin is a weedy academic type, wearing glasses. Being spear tackled by Thauvia was probably a terrifying experience for him, and certainly a terminal experience for his glasses. Widow Kessler was not happy about us manhandling her patrons, but it was pretty obvious Martin was trying to hide something, so she gave us 5 minutes of leeway. Largely because Thauvia growled at her.

Martin crumbles like a biscuit in hot tea, and we end up learning quite a bit. Joseph needed money, and was considering doing some work for Professor Gedding, the head administrator of the University Hospital. He was concerned about the non-disclosure agreements that were required before they would even tell him what he would be doing, and more concerned that they required him to sign over his flesh rights. He was pretty sure that was illegal.

Martin was particularly concerned because another friend of his, Clara Brenner, also started work for Professor Gedding, and disappeared shortly thereafter.

Joseph’s lockbox yields 22 Lamode and some notes that corroborate Martin’s story. We release Martin, and exit Joseph’s room to find the Widow Kessler with 3 Helmed Horrors (the backbone of the Ludendorf constabulary) in tow. She yells out to Martin to see that he is all right, then dismisses the Horrors with an admonition to do better preventing graffiti on her back fence.

To the University!

First, we visit the library, and the staff there were unexpectedly helpful. The books we were looking for - anything by Rustinium or The Alchemist (who we now know is the good clone of Strahd) - were all missing. They are apparently in the possession of one or more high ranking members of the university staff, but the clerk would not reveal who. Depressed, we moved on toward the hospital.

On the way, we stumble across a ridiculously popular lecture being given by Professor Henry Vilmer, or who we know as Joseph Mengele. He was talking about his experiments in preserving life in cerebral tissue after bodily death, and has apparently made some progress. It seems obvious to us that he is just chasing the work already done by Dr Mordenheim, and is also conducting highly unethical experiments on living subjects. Well, living subjects at the start of the experiment, anyway.

We also note that there are 2 students in the audience that appear extremely uneasy with the lecture, but we’ll have to follow that up later.

Rusty notices another lecture theatre across the hall, much smaller, where Professor Kellen (his name was written on the blackboard) is giving a lecture on Cephalopods. This caught Rusty’s attention for two reasons. The runes that Professor Kellen is writing on the blackboard are written in Qua’lith, the language of the Mind Flayers, and also because Flumphs are Cephalopods. Indeed, there are drawings of Flumphs on the blackboard. Rusty asks Louie to take a close look at Kellen, because the only way he could have seen a Flumph was if he had come across Rusty’s parents. Rusty thinks this is Xal’itith in disguise.

Who knows what happened?

Nobody who writes anything down was there, so the following is transcribed from scraps of divine conceptualization that Ao left lying around. It has been pieced together as best as it can be, but who knows?

And it was all a dream anyway.

It seems as though everything that happened occurred in the memories of Horus, while he was dead. That’s sounds like as tenuous a connection to reality as it is possible to have. It may have passed through the zero point, and in fact only have a negative connection to reality - that is to say, it is more likely that anything else other than what is written here is what actually happened.

Out story takes place on the Astral Plane

Horus and Cletus are still searching for Dennis and Louie. Shortly after Horus and Rusty invented the microwave oven, Rusty was called away to make something else, which explains his absence.

Horus and Cletus wander into a hall that looks suspiciously like the reception lobby for heaven, and as they catch glimpses of their reflections in the impeccably polished surfaces, they see halos of their very own around their heads. Fair enough, I suppose Horus is dead right now. Greeting them is a massive Coatl, Quetzalan the Radiant. He is one of the members of the Council of Ascendants. There are seven members. Quetzalan is listed last on the roster of attendance, so he’s either the least important, or the new guy. He takes that role of the sage old quest giver today.

Save Thauvia’s Macguffin!

Yxathil the Farsighted (first among the Council) has told a Goliath Barbarian where to find the constellation of her ancestors. Not everyone’s ancestors have their own constellation, you know. That basically makes her a Space Princess. Unfortunately, her constellation is under threat from external corruption (read: colonialist capitalism, they’re staging a hostile takeover). As a result it needs to be saved.

You can’t get quests like that any more! Rescue the princess! Save the galaxy!

And apparently this quest starts with a physical fitness exam. Not for Horus and Cletus - performed by Horus and Cletus, and Thauvia has to pass. The important thing is that they take note of the tattoos on Thauvia’s body, in the order that she got them. I do hope they are all sensibly placed. They are:

1. Purple Worm
2. Frost Giants
3. Red Dragon
4. Nautiloid
5. Duergar

With the physical complete, and having done a bit of a lore-dump on Barbarian culture the party sets off to find the constellation. Please note I will not record the intricacies of Barbarian culture here, given that the party now has its own Barbarian, and they should be able to remember it for us.

They don’t make constellations like they used to

After a few hours traversing the Astral Sea, the party reaches a vast canyon (which implies land for the canyon to be in), covered in the crumbling ruins of an ancient civilization. In the center (center of a canyon? OK, sure) they can see a huge monolith rising up, with a set of glowing lines trapped in its summit. This is apparently it - Thauvia’s folks ancestral digs. I thought it would be - bigger, you know?

As they enter the canyon through the gates, they see ghostly Goliaths working in the streets. Not clear what they’re doing. At the end of the road is a doorway that leads to a chamber, in which a spectral Goliath kneels. This is Mara Stone-Heart, she was the last archivist, and is just managing to keep the corruption at bay with the non-existent skin of her non-solid teeth. She beseeches the party to go through the crack she has been keeping sealed, and destroy the corruption within. They agree, she lets the crack widen so they can go through, and apparently dies.

Puzzle time.

(I should point out here, Ethan’s notes do not make it clear what puzzles the characters solved, so I don’t know if they suffered the negative effects)

The puzzle of the 13-eyed floor/eldritch horror/eldritch voice.

In the corrupted realm, there is the expected ambient mind-fuckery, and a 13 eyed entity, which has the word Orynfuleen inscribed on it, and also repeats the word 13 times before taking a coffee break, then saying it 13 times again - on repeat. The floor is covered in a purple liquid that spells out the word, too. It’s a really important word, OK?

So, if the party did not solve the puzzle, they suffer madness effects. However they probably should have solved the puzzle, it is a ROT13 cipher. I mean, do it twice, and you get the cleartext! How easy is that? Unfortunately, Rusty is not here, because he would have solved that in an instant.

Fortunately, Rusty is not here, because he has Wit following him around these days, and he gave Wit the Crown of Belashyrra - and that is what Orynfuleen decodes to. Belashyrra. A Daelkyr from the realms of Eberron, and a member of a seriously fucked up race. Belashyrra is able to see through the eyes of the Crown of Belashyrra, so who knows what would have happened if Rusty were here.

The test of goatball.

No idea who won this, but it sounds like “It’s a Knockout!” team edition. I assume that at the bottom of the wobbly plinths is a pool filled with jelly.

Anubis left his scale here

Next game is to pick a token, that will tell a moment from your life. Pile them into the scales, and the plinths make their decision, or something.

This one is a bit of a gimme - I don’t see how the party can lose this, but I’m sure everyone gave it their best shot.

Come to the Dark Side! We have Donuts!

Next up is the classic “temptation of the hero”, or in this case, princess (and hero, I guess?). Thauvia is given a promise of nebulous, but incredible power, if she forsakes her current responsibilities. Once upon a time, I would have seen right through this and known that the tempting voice is never actually going to deliver on it’s promises. Now? World’s pretty fucked, bro. Who knows?

Also, who knows what Thauvia chose? Not me.

Though what I lack in actual knowledge, I make up for in secret knowledge. Ethan’s “hidden information” tells me that choosing power means Thauvia fails. So traditional morality for the win!

Checkov’s Gun, for all to see!

Remember the weird emphasis that was placed on Thauvia’s tattoos and the order in which she got them? Did you wonder why? Well, wonder no more. This is it! You have to remember them now.

Hold on - Thauvia is literally right there. We can look at the cheat sheet! I assume that is what was done.

Remember - it’s call Dungeons and DRAGONS for a reason.

The party is given warning and time to prepare, but the next chamber is a deathmatch between us and a Gret Wyrm Red Dragon. Ethan’s notes indicate that it was supposed to be a TPK, but his notes also say there was only one of them, and its CR is 28. Admittedly the party is at half strength, but we took out an Astral Dreadnaught (CR 21) in 2 rounds of combat over a year ago in real time. I think we were 9th or 10th level then. We’re 13th level now, FFS! We should be able to take this thing!

Did we take this thing? Nobody knows. Doesn’t matter anyway - even if you die, you come back. The only way to fail is to flee. I assume that didn’t happen - we’re not known for our discretion over our valor.

Reward time!

Thauvia gets the ability to cast Ancestral Spirit Guardians as a 5th level spell once per long rest, and the ability to cast “Commune” once per day, except she asks the question of her ancestors.

Horus and Cletus get +1 to the ability score of their choice.

Rumble in the Junkyard

When we left our heroes last session, a huge pile of junk had resolved itself into the Cadaver Collector, and combat was about to start.

Initiative! Rusty rolled a natural 20, which allowed him to pip Horus who managed to wrangle an adjusted 31 without rolling a 20. After them, it was Louie, Cleetus, then the Cadaver Collector.

Round 1

Rusty flies up and shoots CC with an Eldritch Blast. He only hits with one bolt - this things AC is insane. Wit also flies up, and tries Id Insinuation, but it’s immune to Psychic damage. He relays this useful tidbit to the party.

Horus decides to avoid pesky AC and saves, and hits it with Magic Missile. It’s super effective!

Louie and Raymond jump up on top of a pile of rubbish (brave), and his passive perception manages to pick up some noise coming from the south - but no time for that! He shoots the CC with an arrow doing 12 damage.

Cleetus starts running around the north side of the trash to get to the CC, but at the end of his dash he stumbles across Norbert sitting in a lawn chair. Norbert was as surprised as Cleetus, but Cleetus is not one to pass up unexpected opportunity, so - Action Surge! Cleetus jumps on top of Norbert and starts smashing all the potions flasks he has attached to bandoliers. By the time Cleetus was finished, Norbert was covered in reacting potions, covered in chemical burns (giving him vulnerability to fire), permanently glued to his chair, and has arthritis and partial paralysis.

Finally CC gets a go and foolishly thinks to beat Cleetus off Norbert. Three swings, all misses. You fool! You can’t hit Cleetus!

During these shenanigans, Olga’s ghost has been gesticulating in various directions, and Horus and Louie (being the only two that can see her) have been relaying this information to the party. One of the directions turned out to be where Norbert was, so we’re anticipating incoming from those directions.

Round 2

Rusty takes a moment to look around, and spies Sigmund coming from the west. He shoots Sigmund with Eldritch Blast, but Sigmund deflects it back at Rusty. Rusty saves. Nobody took damage. Wit, having wasted one turn doing a damage type the CC was immune to, decides to try his luck again and casts Heat Metal on the CC. Astonishingly, it is not immune to fire, and takes damage. Turns out it is vulnerable, and it takes double damage. Cool!

Horus Eldritch Blasts Sigmund, and does a little bit of damage.

Sigmund pulls a Legendary Action and has some personal time with various items of scrap that he picks up from the yard. He then goes invisible, probably because we are all so horrified and disgusted by his behavior that we refuse to look at him.

Louie tries looking to the south-west, but can’t spot the person we’re certain is there. So he runs over to Sigmund and hits him. He does significant damage, but has to save vs blindness from the light shining off his teeth. Pretty impressive, given that he’s invisible. We all have visions of the Cheshire Cat.

Sigmund punches Louie, applies Quivering Palm, then activates it. Louie saves, but that hurt. 67 necrotic damage.

Norbert breaks out a potion, and glues Cleetus to him. Why? Then he gives Cleetus arthritis, which makes it hard for him to make attacks.

This does not slow Cleetus down at all. He stands up, bringing Norbert with him, then presses Norbert up against the Cadaver Collector. That is currently under the effect of Heat Metal. Then he backs up, and does it again. And again. Norbert’s screaming is almost musical. He manages to scream a command to the scrap workers to help him. A heap of them appear.

From the south-west, Ulrich stomps into view and mutters something. We didn’t get it yet. He throws a Command Ally at Sigmund, and gets him to punch Raymond and apply Quivering Palm. Then he fires a spread of nails at Horus, Raymond and Louie.

The Cadaver Collector hits Cleetus.

Round 3

Rusty has finally got into melee range with the Cadaver Collector and tries to hit him with his hammer, but consistently misses. Wit uses his bonus action to reactivate Heat Metal on the CC, and fires Synaptic Static at the scrap workers. They instantly died (except for the 2 outside the AoE). Oops.

Horus closes to melee range with Sigmund and Shocking Grasps him, which works very well.

Louie smites Sigmund twice for a total of 62 damage. Raymond joined in for another 33.

Sigmund activates the Quivering Palm on Raymond, which he saves against but still takes 47 damage. Then he punches Raymond and applies it again.

Cleetus keeps bouncing Norbert’s face off CC and he dies. Cleetus then disengages from the CC and runs over toward Sigmund.

Ulrich gibbers again: “Off the stormy coast, a massive sea mammal surfaced beside the ship and a loud cry rose from the haunted lighthouse.” Louie says “Whale?” back at him, which causes him to misfire. He still fires, but his damage is halved.

The Cadaver Collector release petrification gas all over Louie, and his legs go all stiff - but he’s riding Raymond, so his mobility is not yet affected.

Round 4

Rusty misses the CC again. Wit decides to stop pissing around and upcasts Heat Metal on the CC at 7th level, now doing 7d8 damage per round, doubled.

Horus shocking grasps Sigmund again.

Ulrich gibbers some more: “In the enchanted forest, a wild male pig burst from the brush when the dwarf’s tool started drilling a hole in the ancient door.” Rusty has figured it out by now and yells “BOAR!” (or “BORE!”, they’re homonyms) at him and he straight up explodes! Rusty wasn’t expecting that, but awesome.

Sigmund tries to stop the fight, saying he’ll kill the frog if we don’t let him go.

We all look at Louie, given that a) it’s his turn, and b) it’s his frog. He says “Fuck you old man” and SMITES the crap out of him, killing him before he can get his Quivering Palm off.

Rusty talks the Cadaver Collector down and manages to get it to agree to accept Rusty as it’s new master. Another pet for the menagerie! Minion is just a little jealous.

End Combat

We mosey down the hill to the river, where Clara and her boyfriend are waiting in his boat. Gertrude, Ludmilla, Olga’s ghost and Olga’s body are already aboard. Rusty has CC dip his feet in the river so he doesn’t set the boat on fire, and checks with the skipper to make sure the boat is rated for this amount of cargo. He says it’s fine. We all climb aboard and set out for Whale End.

Whale End

Clara, Ludmilla and Gertrude cremate Olga’s body and put Olga to rest.

Ludmilla forges a shitload of writs for the party.

Clara and her man get married (she’s pregnant - called it!)

We ask around for the guy we’re supposed to be delivering the poison to. His name is John Smith, and he is apparently out on the island. Clara’s man is too busy consummating their relationship to sail us out there, but the locals say we can borrow any boat tied to the pier. We do so, and fumble our way across the channel to the island.

The Stinky Island

Ethan went hard on the atmospheric description. The island is awful. It is stinky, everything is black and leaks tar, and squelches. Eventually we find John, but - nobody saw this coming - he’s dead. The island is gradually absorbing his body.

Then there is an earthquake, and we find that the island is anything but - it’s an undead dragon turtle!

Ohhh, so that’s what the poison was for.

Party with the Furries

The town of Hope’s Heart throw a massive party, because - well, because we just murdered a murderer and now there will be less murders? Anyway, it’s also the night of the full moon and these fuzzy bastards know how to throw down. The younger ones went into a dungeon for some personal bondage play first, but we didn’t get invited to that part.

Not to be outdone, Cleetus revisits his money-maker from his college days and does the Full Monty for all the FMILFs. Rusty starts off running a drinking game, but he doesn’t make a tenth of what Cleetus pulls in in silver coins shoved somewhere. So he wanders back into the inn and builds a dishwasher.

The following morning, the townsfolk are badly hung over and Cleetus does the walk of shame in the wee hours. Once we are all up, and fully clothed again, the party heads off to the causeway to return to Ludendorf. We’re planning on catching up with Helena (Gustav’s daughter) to inform her of her father’s demise.

Causeway Battle Royale

At the causeway we bump into a larger version of Horus. The person in physically bigger, but their clothes are physically smaller. This is Adam, an 8 year old psychopath shoved into the flesh golem version of the Hulk. The party is appropriately deferential, but Ethan really wants this fight to go down, so initiative it is.

Rusty & Wit are first (26), Cletus is next (24), then Adam, then Louie and Raymond (22) and lastly Horus and Gary (18).

Wit was going to cast spells (Hold Monster) but he doesn’t have the reagents and we haven’t settled on his psychic spells yet. So he thinks eye beams are the next best thing, but apparently he has not yet figured out that they don’t work in Lamordia. How long have we been here? So he wastes his turn. Rusty takes too long thinking, so Cleetus jumps in and grapples Adam - surprisingly successfully. It’s a bit like Ant Man putting the Hulk in a sleeper hold, but if it works, right?

Rusty then joins in with a Firebolt to Adam’s face, which does pretty solid damage, but doesn’t seem to annoy him much. That honour goes to Louie, who makes an off-hand comment about how he expected Adam’s preferred method of smashing to be defenstrating his opponents. Adam really didn’t like that.

Horus then makes an attempt to diplomatically calm Adam down, and was surprisingly successful. Rusty honestly was not expecting that to work, but Horus gets Adam to the point where he isn’t going to hurt anyone in the party - not even the pyromaniac Rusty - except for Louie. He’s going to fuck Louie up. He starts by firing a lightning bolt out of his foot, and hitting Louie square in the face with it.

Cleetus continues to hold Adam down. Wit takes the lightning hit to get into melee range and tries to put Adam out with his stunning tentacles. He makes Adam burn through another Legendary Resistance, but that’s about all.

Rusty decides to separate the feuding parties by yeeting Louie into the ocean. This works. Adam calms down.

I’m melting!

Louie is less than calm. He was stunned (courtesy of that lightning bolt) when he went in to the water, but snapped out sharply. Ethan, with Jim’s willing complicity, decides that Louie is green, the wicked witch of the west is green, so salt water should absolutely fuck him up. One level of exhaustion straight off the bat, and that’s only because he rolled a one on d6. There was an 18% getting wet was going to straight up kill him, apparently. He needs to get out of the water, fast.

Getting straight out isn’t really an option, however. Adam is still at the shoreline, chatting to the rest of the party. Thankfully, there is a lighthouse quite close by that Louie swims around the back of and climbs out of the water. Then he rinses himself off with fresh water as fast as he can.

Meanwhile, the party (mainly Cleetus) are bullshitting like champions, saying the killing that fucker Fran was obviously required. He had it coming. His identical twin Louie should be around here somewhere, though. Louie hears this and quickly changes his clothes around to help with the deception, and re-introduces himself. Adam is convinced, and then heads off to join the furry party. Better late than never.

Off to University

The causeway opens up, and we walk across it to Ludendorf. As we approach the University, we realize that:

1. We aren’t allowed in; and
2. We have an outstanding task (deliver a poison to Whale End) that would provide us with University access.

So we keep walking. Whale End is on the other side of Lamordia. That’s only about 14 miles as the crow flies, according to the map. By the D&D 5E movement rules, we can stealth there in under a day. Traveling at normal speed, we’d be there for a late lunch.

Lamordia is not a large domain.

We’re off on an adventure!

We traverse the Forest of Rust almost without incident. We do spot Nolzur doing a spot of landscape painting, but just wave and continue on. Louie takes the opportunity to rehydrate himself in the fresh water river, and comes out unable to see, and silver. That’s weird.

Passing through the Old Towers, we come across the eponymous Old Towers. They are a set of 12 iron menhir, engraved with mystic symbols. Rusty can tell they are made from iron from Mordent, of all places. He has heard about something similar while he was chatting with Wit, so he called Wit over for some expert input. Are these menhir a form of Teleportation Circle? Wit says - not exactly. There are some similarities, but instead of transporting you somewhere else, they project your consciousness? Also, they appear to be activated by electricity.

Rusty wonders where on earth he put that Shocking Grasp cantrip device, then remembered he had given it to Horus. Horus didn’t have much use for the Firebolt device he was originally given, and the Shocking Grasp device can be used as a self healing device in a pinch. So we called Horus over and asked him to run out the jumper cables.

Walk this way

The party finds itself in a completely different place - they foyer of a finely maintained castle. We look around, and there is nobody there. From behind a voice says “Velcome, Masters!” Without turning around, Rusty says “Igor!” Then we turn around and see a patchwork hunchback. “I am Igor.” Rusty was right! He’s not exactly sure how, but he was!

Igor leads us to a huge hall. At one end is a massive pipe organ that inexplicably sounds like a piano. Louie is entranced and starts to ask if someone could play a bit of honky tonk - but having already pissed off one big bad today, he thinks better of it. Having completed his recital, a tall figure rises from the keyboard and turns to the party.

“Rusty! I didn’t expect to see you back. Have you found your parents yet?” Rusty remembers this guy, but apologises for not recalling his name. He informs the figure that his memories were stripped from him by a filthy mind flayer, and he has only recently started to recover them.

The man introduces himself as Count Strahd Von Zarovich. Rusty fixed his organ one time. They chat like old friends. Strahd mentions that he has seen Xalitith passing through, and that he is most likely to be found at whatever the center of highest learning there is in his local area. Good to know.

Also, there is a character called Rustinium wandering about who is the result of a soul-splitting experiment Strahd did that went wrong. Strahd is the evil clone, Rustinium is the good one. Nice bit of self-awareness there. Rustinium probably built the menhir we used to get here, which is appropriate because they were a bit Rusty.

Rusty is also quietly concerned about the similarity between Rustinium’s name and his own. Surely that is a coincidence.

Eventually Strahd says that the adventurers were approaching the gates to rescue his dinner guest Tatiana. He motions toward a woman sitting at the dining table, chained to her chair and gagged. Strahd says that he will be a bit busy soon, it was nice to catch up with old friends, and that he would see us out. Then he makes a pushing motion with his hands, and the party finds itself back on the hillside and the Old Towers again.

The party then spends a significant amount of time looking at Rusty very suspiciously. Especially Horus. That seemed a bit rich, Horus judging someone on superficial appearances, given the body he is currently inhabiting. Rusty doesn’t get what the problem is - you get to meet a lot of odd folk when you’re working as an appliance repair contractor.

Follow the leads

As we chat, we see four people approaching. They are walking robotically, and completely ignore the party, even as Rusty opens the crates they are carrying and starts rifling through the contents. We decide to follow them. They are showing all the signs of interference by Yitthalx, and maybe they’ll lead us to him. Or to something he cares about.

Not far along, there is a minor earthquake, then all the people talk in unison. It’s Yitthalx blathering on about something stupid and self-absorbed. We ignore him. He has all the people commit suicide in front of us. That’s irritating - now we have to carry the stuff. We loot the bodies:

• One crate worth of climbing gear.
• One crate worth of copper pipes, glass tubing, and other alchemical raw materials.
• One crate with a Flumph tentacle, a vial of some unidentified liquid, and a needle. It is not declared whether this is an IV or sewing needle.
• One crate full of radiation detectors. Louie lights them up like a Christmas tree.
• Personal papers for 4 people, and 12 Lamodes.

Wit carefully reviews the papers, and memorises the papers for the largest of the people.

As we’re clearing up, Horus finds a small doll, and notices a ghostly woman atop the hill. Ethan may or may not have watched “Wuthering Heights” for Valentines Day, but we’re stuck with a sad ghost woman now.

Heathcliff, it’s me…

Horus follows the ghostly woman - that only he can see - up the hill, and the rest of the party follows him. We find ourselves in Linkboy’s Lot, a massive junkyard, and confronted by a 4 year old girl on a pile of junk. Her name is Gertrude, and she asks Horus if he can see her Mum. He says he can, and offers to return her doll to her. She jumps off the pile of junk, and it collapses on the party, burying Horus, Rusty and Wit. Workers rush over to help dig us out. Gertrude whispers to Horus “Please play along with Ludmilla”, as 3 weirdos turn up and start to berate us, each other, and the workers for varying imagined infractions.

The female weirdo, who it transpires is Ludmilla, takes charge of us and marches us off to be incarcerated. Because nothing says dangerous invader like someone your own poor OH&S compliance nearly killed. We play along, though, and she takes us to a place we can be held, via the noisiest place in the lot, where she whispers conflicting information to us while shouting other nonsensical and aggressive things.

Eventually Rusty offers to hook us all up with telepathic communication, but Ludmilla doesn’t like that (Xalitith has been here too, apparently) and in any case, we have all the salient information. Here’s the lowdown:

• Ludmilla’s father is Sigmund, and he seems less than nice.
• Sigmund blames Gertrude for his wife Olga’s death, which made it sound like she died in childbirth, but keep reading.
• Olga is the ghost. She wanted to take the children away from Linkboy’s Lot, but Sigmund disagreed and killed her. Why is that Gertrude’s fault? No idea.
• They never found Olga’s body. Ludmilla thinks she is moving her remains every night so they cannot be found, and she cannot be put to rest.
• Norbert is Sigmund’s son, and he makes potions which we should not eat.
• Ulrich is another son of Sigmund, but he’s at least 50% machine by now. He makes the constructs, and particularly likes his Cadaver Collector (which we have been tasked to take back to Ludendorf by Dr Amelia).
• Carla is Sigmund’s daughter, and she runs the power for the junkyard.
• Ludmilla plans to leave tonight with Gertrude and Carla and is heading for Whale End, where Carla “knows” a guy who will hide them.
• If we are willing to help, we should wait until 2nd bell, then head to the east passage and damage the Cadaver Collector. If we damage it enough, Ulrich should come running and that will be enough of a distraction for the girls to escape.

We are left in the scraphouse, with a note and a lockpick left not at all suspiciously on the floor.

Jailbreak!

Rusty delicately picks up the crappy lockpick, and uses it to open the lock on the door. His own set of lockpicks are better, but he didn’t need any help picking this shitty lock, and honestly this whole place is filthy and Rusty is trying to keep everything as clean as he can.

2 bells ring, and a possessed doll climbs in through the window, points at the door, and hits the floor twice. We stare at it blankly. After a ridiculous amount of charades, it eventually grabs a burnt stick, and we find it is entirely literate. It writes its message on the floor - there are 2 guards outside the door.

Fine. Cleetus has proven his nigh-mythical skills at silently choking people out, but he needs 3 actions to do it (1 to grapple, one to drag them inside, and one to put the sleeper hold on). He can do 2 people at once (he has 2 arms) but we don’t want him to waste his action surge just yet, so Wit (who has by now figured out which of his spells are psychic) casts Haste on him. Neat as you like, 2 unconscious guards on the floor, tied up.

We stealthily make our way to the east passage, and look around in vain for the Cadaver Collector. It’s not here! There’s just a massive pile of junk with a few corpses in it - wait, I get it now.

The junk gets up.

First, the loot

Lil Louie, Rusty and Horus begin our adventure in future Horus’ library, selecting our cool stuff. Lil Louie picks up a feat book, I think, but it is unspecified which one it was. This becomes relevant later.

Rusty and Horus both take the magnanimous path of selecting power-ups for their familiars/sidekicks. Rusty takes a feat of Shadow Touched for Wit, and Horus gets an upgrade to a familiar feat for Gary.

Second, the market

At the market, Louie convinces his Mum not to deal with Asmodeus until we have exhausted all other avenues of bringing Kristen back.

A group of passing Giff wolf-whistle at Zaesta, lasciviously complimenting her butt. Zaestra is actually pretty pleased, and asks them what they like about it. They foolishly respond that it’s going to provide a lot of food when they eat her. This is astonishingly stupid - sure, they didn’t know she was an Astral Dreadnaught, and instead thought she was only an infinitely long snake tailed demon, with a beautiful female torso sporting six arms, each wielding a sword. What did they think was going to happen when they picked that fight, the brainless fatties. They got ate.

While that light entertainment was progressing, Vexith offers to sell us some souls. We didn’t buy any, but she did satisfy our curiosity of what, exactly, other-planar creatures actually used them for. Not much, as it turns out.

Back to the library

Horus is deeply impressed with himself for making the clock at some unspecified future time. I’m sure the bootstrap paradox will be fine.

Wit, excited with his newfound abilities, casts Sending to Dennis to ask where he is, and once he gets a response, casts Guiding Hand to lead us directly to him. This was problematic for Ethan, who still needed to get Louie and Dennis through some of their own stuff, so at this point we learn that the adventure has not, so far, been contemporaneous. While the Sending happened “now” for Rusty and Horus, it is a week or so in the future for Dennis.

Ethan tries to distract from this blatant Deus Ex Machina by having the fabulous Astral Dragon pop back up. He asks Horus the question that Louie couldn’t answer:

“I have no beginning, for I was never born. I have no end, for I cannot die. Yet every moment, I am created anew and destroyed in the same breath. The gods themselves cannot escape me, though they may bend me. What am I?”

Horus gets it correct with “the Present”. He rolls fantastically for his reward, and while he actually got a Vorpal Sword, that is revised into a protective sheath for his Spellbook, which makes all his spells with spell attack rolls Vorpal. Any spell he casts which requires an attack roll, if he gets a natural 20, it takes the targets head off.

This gives us some really amusing possibilities:

The Dragon asks Rusty:

“I grow stronger the more you share me, yet weaker when kept alone. I can topple empires or build civilizations. I outlive stone and steel, yet can be extinguished in a single generation. Scholars hoard me while tyrants fear me. What am I?”

He gets up to about “outlive” before Rusty answers “Knowledge”, which is correct. Rusty rolls poorly, and gets an Amulet of Proof against Detection and Location.

The Dragon throws out one more riddle. This is technically for anyone, but I think Horus takes pity on Rusty’s pathetic booty so far and leaves it to him:

“I am the canvas upon which reality paints itself, yet I have no surface. I am what remains when all existence is removed, yet I am not emptiness. All things emerge from me and return to me, yet I never change. Name me, and you prove you do not understand me. What am I?”

Rusty has a shot with Spacetime, which requires some explanation. It turns out that isn’t correct, but its really close, so the Dragon lets them continue - with some clarifying hints. Eventually Rusty gets it correct with “Nothingness”. He rolls poorly again, and gets a Potion of Invisibility.

Architect of Doom

Louie and Dennis, along with Francesca and Seldrid, head in the direction of Godfrey’s castle. Dennis noticed at the start of the session - and pointed out to Ethan - that he had an ability, granted the last time he visited Godfrey, to have advantage on any INT roll required to find Godfrey’s castle again. Nice concept, poor execution, I suppose.

We get waylaid on the way - again - this time by a disintegrating crystal palace floating above a black hole, orbited by a wisp, and at a further perihelion, a drafting pencil. The wisp and the pencil are connected by a silver cord which Dennis immediately recognises, and it gives him an itch in his whipping hand.

As we approach, the castle recedes, but the pencil - now in Dennis hand - gets longer. Dennis spins it around, knowing that when it will only appear straight when it is pointing at the singularity that is affecting it. Hanging around with Rusty rubs off. It points directly at the wisp.

The space between the pencil and wisp solidifies into Dennis’ poison workshop in Mordent. Dennis and Seldrid enter. The poisons are real, and work. Then the world destabilizes - the vials of poison animate and pour their contents on Dennis. Dennis is not worried - he’s immune to poison - but here, he isn’t. He slaps his chest with Hand of Healing to remove the conditions, but it doesn’t work. Dennis is pretty sure this is illusionary, but Ethan is convinced that illusions can’t be solid. He’s close to right - it’s amazing how many illusion spells they nerfed in 5e - but not completely right. None the less, this chitchat convinces Dennis that Ethan is not using an illusion that can be disbelieved.

It transpires that Dennis also does not get an initial save against the poisons, nor does he get to re-save at the end of his turn. This is not how the real ones work.

Outside, Louie is avoiding looking into the room that has obviously appeared for him, when he is approached by the wisp. It transforms in the astral form of a Githzerai monk called K’resh. As the monk apologizes, two pulses of psychic power explode outwards. Dennis, with the assistance of Louie’s aura, makes both his saves. Louie makes at least one - I think he failed the second, but I don’t know what it did. After they pass, the monk offers to help get Dennis out, which he succeeds in doing.

Once outside the exposition begins, and this guy is a complete idiot. We thought Horus messed shit up with his self-esteem issues, but he’s an amateur. This guy is giving a masterclass. He was contracted to build a meditation temple a few hundred years ago, and was pretty much done when he died while meditating inside. His soul was bound to the temple, and it has been escaping his control over it ever since.

Dennis wants to know how he built it, thinking - logically - that this was the Astral, and it would be a construct of thought. If we could find some sort of lynchpin or keystone, we could destroy the entire edifice with a single stroke. That was way too optimistic. This guy shipped matter in, and contractors, and actually built the stupid thing. No easy answers there.

Dennis does notice, though, that despite the fact that K’resh has his pencil in his hand, the silver cord is still stretching away behind him.

Hold that thought

It is at this moment that Dennis gets a phone call. This has never happened before. He picks up and hears Wit’s voice asking where he is, and what the nearest landmark is. Then the line remains open, waiting for a response. He takes a look around, and in the distance sees a Beholder in a beret doing an eerily accurate impression of a used car salesman trying to sell a painting to some rando. He says to Wit that he is at the crystal temple of meditation, near a beret-clad beholder painter.

Wit whips up a Guiding Hand, but the walk would be tedious. Horus and Rusty attempt to combine their magic to teleport the whole party there. It has mixed results. Rusty manages a natural 20, diametrically opposed by Horus’ natural 1. This casts Confusion on Ethan.

When the spell wears off, we find that we have teleported there, with 2 effects. Firstly, Lil Louie was pulled apart by the gravitational forces in the wormhole (or possibly ejected through the wormhole boundary and lost in space). He was, at the time, sitting in the gunners port of Rusty’s armour (where Minion usually fires Thunderwaves from), so his belongings were left behind in the armour cavity. Remember that unspecified feat book from the first paragraph? It’s here.

Secondly, Rusty and Horus swapped personalities for the rest of the session. This was either a genius move or total idiocy on Ethan’s part - the effects are yet to be determined. While both players did their best, their impressions of each others characters are probably - lacking nuance? Jim is under the impression that Rusty is an overconfident pseudo-intellectual. Scott appears to think that Horus is a timid milksop. I hope we can agree that neither position is representative of truth, and beg forgiveness for anything offensive that may have been done in the pursuit of comedy.

The gang’s back together!

Now we are all back together, Dennis mentions that he can still see K’reshes silver cord, and maybe he’s not really dead. He asks Rusty for his professional opinion and is baffled by the waffling he gets in response. Peering suspiciously at Rusty, he wonders if he is a Changeling, Doppelganger, Succubus, or something like that. He figures probably not - those monsters are all much better at impersonation. He puts that on the back burner, but will keep an eye on Rusty.

He mentions to K’resh that if he were alive, he should be able to return to his body by tugging on the silver cord and following it back to his body. Has he tried that? Turns out, no, he hasn’t. Intelligence is this guy’s dump stat, apparently. So we get him to, and start following him back into the temple. After wending our way deep into its bowels, we find the other end of the cord is attached to a living, but deeply meditating Gitzerai monk. Dennis and Louie have different approaches to reuniting his soul with his body. Louie concentrates on trying to push his soul back into his body, while Dennis smacks him in the face repeatedly yelling “Wake! Up! You! Stupid! Motherfucker!” It is unclear which strategy worked, but one of them did.

K’resh is very grateful, and asks if he can pray for us. We consent. His prayer confers on each of us advantage on one death save in the future. In addition he teaches Dennis a Githzerai meditation technique which can confer either proficiency in Insight, expertise in Insight if you are already proficient, or +1 Wisdom. Dennis asks if that +1 Wisdom overrides the 20 stat cap, and when he is told it does, immediately takes that one. 22 Wisdom! Got that +6 bonus, baby!

Wit wanders into a side room while this is going on, and sees a room from his past in Bluetspur, showing the process of his creation. It’s not nice. Towards the end of the vision, a crown fades into existence in the corner of the room. Wit is quite taken with it, and uses his telekinesis to carry it out of the room. The room slams shut behind him, but the crown remains. He gets a “Belashyrra’s Beholder Crown”. Sweet!

Rusty loans Louie his portable hole, and Louie puts his stuff back into it. Wit convinces him to take a barrel out of it, and half fill it with water. Just enough so that if he climbed in, he would be completely covered. Then he casts “Widogast’s Vault of Amber” and compresses it down to a small amber bead, which he gives to Louie for emergencies.

Finally, we get to Godfrey’s

We all make it to Godfrey’s place. He welcomes us in, and says he would be happy to look after Francesca for a while as she deals with her grief.

While there, Horus wanders outside and watches unperturbed while a golden mote floats through the atmosphere into his lungs. Subsequent spell castings are supercharged. Horus is unphased.

The long road home

We leave Godfrey’s, seeking a colour portal. Almost immediately we stumble across a killing field. The bodies of humanoids are everywhere, being systematically butchered by a bunch of 2 faced Smurfs. They immediately take notice of Horus. Apparently he has a shard of the power of their Goddess in him. So, a quick rundown of the theological history:

• Lakal was a goddess of Healing. The Quom were her followers, a race of peaceful healers.
• A battle between Bahamut and Nihil, the primordial of nothingness and destruction, raged across the heavens, and spilled into Lakal’s domain.
• Bahamut managed to slay Nihil, but Lakal was shattered by the ricohets. Her essence was flung far and wide across the cosmos.
• The Quom immediately changed entirely into a ravening horde of murderous psychopaths whose only purpose was to re-gather all of Lakal’s essence, and restore her to life. The lives of any other creature was of zero importance. They launched a jihad across the multiverse.

Their captain, Tholis, seems to be marginally reasonable, but her crew are barely sentient murderhobos. They reach an agreement to kill Horus to have their high priest extract the mote, but don’t clearly explain that they are going to:

• Kill Horus first, and then transport him;
• Not let the party near the body.

Rusty, justifiably untrusting that the high priest will actually follow through with Tholis’s promise to resurrect Horus, wants to cast Gentle Repose on the body so the party can resurrect him when (if) we ever get the body back.

The Quom (with the notable exception of Tholis) go fucking apeshit at this. No amount of attempts at diplomacy have any effect. The ship fires upon Rusty, who makes his save and takes minimal damage. Rusty also Nat 20’d his initiative, so finally gets to go first. He locks down the entire enemy force with Hypnotic Pattern and then attempts to negotiate with Tholis from a position of strength. She is useless, and despite the best efforts to allow her to regain control of her crew, she is pretty sure nothing will work. Literally the worst ship captain since Bligh.

Just as we are reaching the point of pulling the Quom out of Hypnotic Pattern one by one and fucking executing them, time stops and this mysterious, blindingly handsome guy shows up, with seven golden canaries fluttering around his head. Rusty turns to him and greets him like an old friend. “Hey, B.”

The end

Worth noting that nobody else recognised who the mysterious guy was. Scott feels like he finally knows something. Thankfully, the lore of Bahamut stretches back to AD&D days, so he is familiar with it. Though originally, Bahamut preferred the visage of an old man. Not sure when he got self-conscious about his age.

Psychopomps

The party escort Bardbara the elf MILF back to Burrowdale Rock, to await (with the Harendons) the appearance of the moonlight bridge to Selune’s afterlife. It’s a brief wait of only 10 minutes (how would you know in the Astral where there is no time?).

We form up with Horus on the left, Rusty on the right, flanking a column of Harendon down the Bifrost. As we proceed, we see artificial shadows fluttering over the bridge, and through them, werewolves. Horus leads with Guiding Bolt and attacks. Lil’ Louie fires up a Beacon of Hope, which is nice. Rusty fireballs the bastards and kills a bunch.

The aggregate effect is that we save 47 of 49 of our charges. We randomly roll to determine who gets it. Astonishingly, Fucktail manages to avoid being selected! A random Harendon dies - he didn’t even have a name, does he even count? The other casualty is - Bardbara! Horus is not happy and casts a Chronomancy spell on the Werewolf, stopping it dead. Bardbara lives! That Mills & Boon cover is still going to get made!

The McGonnagall of Painting

Horus and Rusty head off to find Dennis and Louie, but are confronted by a huge beholder wearing a beret. His name is Xylophon, and he is suffering from a lack of inspiration for his pictures. He demands we tell him what we are most afraid of.

Louie is apparently afraid of voyeurs. Rusty says he fears what all mortals fear - the march of time, the slow inevitable procession from birth to death, and the helplessness we feel in our attempts to hold on the past and delay the future. Horus says he is afraid of being trapped outside of time and space. Which is ironic, because that’s pretty much where we are.

Xylophon is inspired and paints a masterpiece. He rewards us with 4000gp of art supplies. Rusty notices that Xylophon is painting on the back of portable holes. He blathers on about how he wishes he could paint like Xylophon does, but does feel he could do the medium justice. Xylophone gives him a canvas. Louie thinks he’s getting it to replace his portable hole, but he is sorely mistaken!

Xylophon then spots With peeking out from behind Rusty and instantly disintegrates him, even though Rusty told him not to. Rusty says he is very disappointed with Xylophon. With was a reformed Mindwitness, and deserved so much better. Xylophon is chastised, and with the help of the party, goes to sleep and dreams Wit back into existence (with some improvements).

Then we get the hell out of there before Xylophon can dream up anything else.

Louie pays happy families

Meanwhile, Louie is getting to know his mothers. It takes a week or more, and almost nothing happens.

Then a random Astral Dragon shows up to ask riddles. Louie gets one right, and gets an Lantern of Revealing. He doesn’t get any more right, though, and the Astral Dragon gets bored and flies away.

Dennis stays on task

Dennis, on the other hand, continues to search for Louie, but without much success. He avoids the Githyanki city, an continues around it. He sees that stupid arrow a few more times, which means that Ethan’s version of the Astral Plane is not infinite, and actually loops back on itself. Given that the arrow followed a different path each time Dennis saw it indicates that the arrow does not pass through the geometric centre of the Astral, and so would eventually pass through every point on the Astral given enough time - like the bouncing logo you used to get on televisions.

That means that any long lived structure (like say, a Githyanki City) would be smashed to paste once every millennium or so. Never mind, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.

Dennis spies a range of things in his travels, like:

• A Hippo smoking a pipe and wielding a blunderbuss;
• 4 gods sitting around a table playing dice with the universe. First, Einstein was apparently wrong, but Rusty notes that while they throw the dice, Ao controls how the dice land;
• A bit of earth that doesn’t affect Dennis (immune to poison), but he recognises it as Louie’s poison that makes people seek water.

Dennis finds a Moat near the bit of Earth, with a hovel on top. As he approaches, he hears a scream.

Kiss the Cook

Lil Louie, Rusty and Horus put some distance between themselves and the sleeping Xylophon, then get some rest themselves. Rusty spends part of the night designing booster packs of some sort for Wit - his movement speed of 20’ is insufficient.

When we move on again, we spy a Githyanki skiff in the distance, but it doesn’t look as though it is operational. It is fairly permanently moored to a rock, and the deck is covered in out-sized cooking implements that would prevent it from being sailed. Standing before a large cauldron is a huge Githyanki with an apron on. The apron has writing on it, which says “Kiss the Cook”, and has an image of mistletoe at the waistband. Weird. The cook is screaming at the cauldron for some reason. Popular culture would imply that this is the normal state for cooks, but that can’t be true all the time - restaurants would be much noisier.

Rusty opens discussions by asking if the cook really wants us to kiss them. The cook ignores this opening salvo and keeps screaming at the food. Two other githyanki wearing toque’s approach. Then she startles at the voices in her head, and spins to look at the party. He draws his silver greatsword, but then puts it away again when it is apparent the people approaching aren’t a) Illithids; or b) screaming and attacking. This appears to disappoint him.

The he does a double take and points at Horus. “You! Rabbit! I know you possess the knowledge of Time! I have seen your commemorative statues in Tu’narath. Halt and assist me, or I shall be forced to lodge a formal complaint with the Primordial of Time, Chronos.” We all look at Horus and wonder if he is beholden to more Eldritch entities that the one we knew about. Horus does not elaborate. All right Rabbit, keep your secrets.

The Githyanki chef - K’vath - is angry that he cannot create brioche. Brioche is a light and fluffy french bread roll, heavy on the butter, that goes well with cream, jam or fruit. It does not come from sourdough starter. As the name suggests, Sourdough bread comes from Sourdough starter. Sourdough bread is a heavy, crusty bread that goes well with soups. You’re welcome, Ethan.

Anyway, the lack of time and gravity is playing merry hell with K’vath’s attempts to cook. Heat, he can manage, but everything burns on the outside and is raw in the middle because heat does not conduct in the absence of time. Yeast does not grow, so bread does not rise. You get the idea. You would have though the Githyanki - who have lived on the Astral plane forever - would have figured this out by now.

Rusty and Horus put their heads together and figure out a solution in a few minutes, and actually fabricate a “Micro-wave” in about 20 minutes. Rusty tries to explain the devices operation to K’vath but K’vath is pretty stupid, and Rusty is incapable of dumbing it down enough. Horus gets sufficiently frustrated with K’vath’s obtuseness that he snaps and yells the idiot instructions at him. This goes down unexpectedly well - the Githyanki apparently respect straight talk. I think Ethan modeled them off Klingons. The name style certainly fits.

Anyway, the Micro-wave works perfectly, and we all get some Brioche bread to eat which gives us 1d8 HP permanently. Rusty, after all that work, rolls a 1. Typical. We also get K’vath’s silver greatsword, which is a +3 silver Greatsword. It is unclear what effect it has on silver cords - Ethan’s world-building is in flux on that front. Lastly, we get a rock. Nice! It’s a special rock that we can present to any Githyanki that we are having trouble with, and they will know we are friends of the Githyanki. You’d think that - given that there are freaking statues celebrating Horus’s victory over the Illithid in Tu-narath, that the Githyanki would all be pretty well disposed towards us. It is obvious that this will not be the case, given that we were given this smoking Checkov’s gun.

Fucking Bhaal

Louie finally gets a look upstairs and finds a creepy stalker shrine to tracking his every move. They have a bunch of crystal balls holding images of parts of his life. Louie wanders memory lane a bit. Finally, he finds out where these scrying balls came from - a man gave them to Kristin shortly after she arrived on the Astral, saying that he had worked out a way for Louie to keep one of his mothers. Ominous.

Louie goes back downstairs to watch Kristen die, stabbed in the back with a black blade. Franscesca screams. Kristen’s soul shatters and dissipates, revealing Bhaal behind her. He’s a bit pissed after we fucked him over and killed all his minions. He wants (for reasons, but who cares) Louie to hold on to these dice, and cast Banishment on him again. Louie does so. Bhaal is a dick right to the end, and we can assume that banishing him in this way has sent him to wherever Jergal is.

Given that it was probably Jergal that gave the memory crystals to Louie’s mothers in the first place, it is likely he has had this planned out for decades. Bhaal’s probably fucked now.

By the way, Franscesca’s scream was the scream Dennis heard - he comes in right after. We head out after a while - everyone comes.

Pretty Dreadnaught

Louie, Dennis, Francesca and Seldrid find an Astral Dreadnaught crying. It is a girl Astral Dreadnaught, though I’m not sure how even other Dreadnaughts are supposed to be able to tell. She is very sad, because she has eaten one too many mortals who read one too many crappy romance books. Apparently, Astral Dreadnaughts get the memories of people they eat. That’s worth remembering.

She’s sad because she thinks she is ugly, and wants to be beautiful. The party is sympathetic, and offer to give her Louie’s feather boa of disguise. We put it on her, and teach her to use it, but it doesn’t work for reasons unknown.

She directs us to the Soul Market, and we all head there in the hope of figuring out this conundrum.

A library of our own

Rusty, Horus and Lil’ Louie find a Grandfather Clock. Horus manages to open it, and inside is a extra-dimensional space containing a library. These are the contents:

1. 1. An answer to a question they may have.
2. A skill proficiency
3. A +1 to a skill proficiency
4. A Feat
5. A Spell
6. A Cantrip
7. A Book written by Horus from the future that grants them an extra class feature.
8. How to become a Lich
9. Book of Vile Darkness

We get to take some of them, but it’s not clear how many. To be decided later.

The Soul Market

Louie, Dennis, Francesca and Seldrid reach the market, riding on Zaestra the Astral Dreadnaught. There is a single hag in the center of an otherwise deserted shopping district. She is surrounded by small, glowing soul bags, presumably containing souls. She’s lonely and upset. Apparently her sisters have moved to the Prime Material plane. She declined to go, something she is regretting now. The Soul Market, once a thriving shopping destination, is now just her - and that shadowy guy over there that she heavily hinted we should talk to. We really did not want to, but eventually the heavy handed hints got too much and we wandered over.

The shadowy figure is Asmodeus, and he offers to bring Louie’s mother back to life. Suspicious, we decline for now. He gives us a card that will allow us to call on him in the future.

Finally we figure out why the feather boa is not working for Zaestra. It’s because Ethan has a fundamental misunderstanding of what spell components are, and also how magic items work. Once that was cleared up, it works fine, and Zaestra is overjoyed with her new Marith appearance. She’s a goddamn massive Marith, but that’s OK - at least she’s sexy now.

Zaestra gives us a crystallized tear that we can use to summon her.

In the House of the Rising Sun Moon

We begin the main thread of the adventure in the House of Selune, with the innkeeper Elara. We ask around, and in addition to being the innkeeper, she is also the local healer, and mortician. So you get fed, fall sick, then die, and she’s with you all the way.

It has been 3 days since Wilhelm was murdered. His body is in the cellar, where Elara runs her mortuary business. Louie is immediately on edge, and Rusty joins him when we go downstairs to find there is only one trapdoor between her morgue and the inn’s kitchen. Everybody knows you need to keep two doors between food preparation areas and waste processing areas! Rusty offers to fix the problem for her.

We inspect the body - it is apparent that Wilhelm died of blood loss from the claw and bite wounds to his head and neck. We are told he was found in his barn, and that there were no indications the body was moved. Wilhelm has some defensive wounds on his hands, and in one of his hands he is still clutching long, dark grey hairs.

Ivan has no respect for personal boundaries

While we’ve been doing proper forensic investigation, Ivan has been pruriently leafing through Wilhelm’s private diary. He triumphantly says that he found incriminating evidence inside, and tosses the book down. Rusty, always willing to hear new evidence but never willing to take unsupported opinions as fact, picks the book up and reads it. The contents will remain private, because Rusty does respect personal boundaries, and also because Ethan never recorded the contents in the notes he sent me. Th gist of it was, Wilhelm had long been harboring a secret affection for Elara, but never acted upon because he realized that it would be inappropriate.

Elara was embarrassed but not offended, and Ivan is a dick.

Ivan also raises suspicions regarding the rapidity of the funerals for the victims. They are, in accordance with local custom, laid to rest 3 days after death, in a ceremony to Selune. We are invited to witness the ceremony for Wilhelm, tonight.

Rusty gathers notes

There has been a lot going on in town. Rusty collates it all into a vaguely coherent timeline.

1. Gustav Klein “died” 4 weeks ago. He actually vanished from his home. His body has not been found. Gustav has one relative, his daughter Helena. She is away in Ludendorf at university, and does not yet know of her father’s disappearance.
2. Rosemary Keller was killed 3 weeks ago. Her body was found in her home with tidy puncture wounds to her neck. Before her death, she had mentioned that she was visited by a suspicious investigator.
3. Ludwig Ernst and Karl Wagner were killed 2 weeks ago, in the youth center. Their bodies had multiple, wild lacerations and bite marks - very similar wounds to Wilhelm, but quite different to Rosemary.
4. Kristine Wagner (Karl Wagner’s wife) was killed in her home 2 weeks ago, but a few days after Ludwig and Karl. Her head was torn from her body, and the body of the family dog Skittles was rammed down her neck. Skittles head was also torn off, and rammed into Kristine’s mouth.
5. Wilhelm Friedrich was killed 3 days ago at his farm.

Let’s split up and search for clues!

No, lets stick together. We get a map of Baytown from Elara and head to Gustav’s house. The house appears undamaged - there is some dust, in which we can see Elara’s footprints, but it does not seem as though anyone else has been here. On the mantle are photos of Gustav and his daughter Helena at the University.

In a drawer we find a letter from Helena, where she raises concerns about possibly being followed. There are also more photos of Helena, but these are from a distance, and it does not appear she was aware she was being photographed.

There is also a burnt, largely illegible letter in the fireplace. What we can discern of its contents are threatening.

Father Horus gathers all the little children

We gather at the shrine in the center of town for the funeral of Wilhelm. Horus coats the body in something - he claims it was honey and milk - and then lays the body out under a massive magnifying glass and cooks it to a crisp, like poor Wilhelm is an ant that drew the attention of the local psychopathic child. Nobody intervenes in this defilement of a corpse, though, and Wilhelm cooks for a solid 30 minutes. He ends up a lot more burnt than he should have been in that amount of time, though, and Rusty is wondering whether there might be some more penetrative radiation in that “moonbeam” than just infrared.

All that is left of Wilhelm is a small stone, which is placed in a mausoleum with a pile of other stones. Rusty is forcibly reminded of an invention he once saw - a De-Gun. He wonders if this system also has a “reverse” function. If so, it could be a nice way to evade resurrection limits.

Ivan got bored ages ago and is interrogating the townsfolk. He is highly irritated that they all seem to enjoy Wolfsbane tea, and that silver cutlery is very common. This doesn’t seem to gel with his preconceived prejudice that the town is populated with lycanthropes. For a domain that is “obsessed” with science over superstition, they all do a really shitty job of understanding or following the rules of science. Rule #1: Regardless of how elegant your theory is, if it conflicts with observable reality, then reality wins.

Elana gives the party a key to a room at the inn, and we settle in for the night. Rusty builds her a door, and Ethan reckons that would cost 45gp of tinkering supplies. For enough wood to build a doorframe and door, plus 2 hinges and a latch. Wood must be rarer that frickin’ gold around these parts.

During the night, Raymond “investigates” Ivan’s locket. It contains a portrait and a lock of hair. I think we’re supposed to feel sorry that Ivan lost his little sister, or love (probably both) to a lycanthrope, and understand his crusade. Nope. He’s just an inbred bigot.

Of course there’s another murder.

We are woken the next morning by Ivan, telling us there has been another murder at the lighthouse. Off we go.

Around the lighthouse, the scene is gruesome. The ground is stained with old blood. Claw marks score the earth and trees. Johann’s clothing is shredded. Skill Rolls! A Natural 20 from Raymond determines that Johann was killed by a beast. A Natural 20 from Rusty locates a silver medallion, identical to Malar’s. Cletus notices footprints on the road - they start out as huge paw prints, but transition to human feet as the get closer to cottage.

We also determine:

• The road goes north from Baytown to the coast.
• The lighthouse is half a mile from the town.
• The murder site is 100 feet from the lighthouse, toward the town.
• The road is well worn from foot traffic.

We hear a voice calling out. “Astrid! Astrid! Where are you, Astrid?” Approaching, we see Malar, searching for someone, name unknown. When we talk to him, we learn that Malar is doing a headcount of the town and has located everyone except for Astrid.

Searching for clues

We follow the tracks Cletus found. The head toward the lighthouse cottage, and as we get closer, we notice another set of prints that come from the open fields and also head toward the cottage.

The cottage is locked. Rusty is proficient with Thieves Tools - not because he has larcenist tendencies, but rather because he couldn’t face with good conscience there being a type of tool that he was not proficient in. He picks the lock.

The inside of the cottage is thickly coated in dust. It is undisturbed over the majority of the cottage, except for the path between the door and the fireplace. There has been a fire in the fireplace recently, though it is cold now. In the ashes, we find a partially burned journal. Cletus studies it but cannot extract anything useful. He checks the chimney - there are bats in it. Cletus throws a rock at them, killing one and scaring the others away.

On the table is a map. Marked on the map are the locations of the murders. Under the bed there is a small cache of supplies. In the cellar there are a few bottles of wine. This is boring. We go elsewhere.

Let’s split up and search for clues!

The party heads into town. Cletus peels off from the group so we can cover more ground. The rest of us go to Rosemary Kellers house. It is a combination shop and house. The shop sells general merchandise. On the second floor the bedroom is a bloody mess. The window is open, and there are claw marks on the windowsill. The window glitters slightly in the morning sun - it is lightly dusted with silver shavings. On the dresser there is silver jewelry.

Stunningly high investigation rolls by Rusty determine that the claw marks on the windowsill are actually faked. We look out the window and see paw prints in the flowerbed below, but those too turn out to be forgeries.

Closer inspection of the fake claw marks show there is a broken glass cutter under the window. Gary snuffled about and found a tuft of fur caught on a nail protruding from the floor under the bed. We take a close look, and figure there is about a 75% chance it was planted.

Cletus gets butt-shanked

Cletus is watching the lighthouse cottage from hiding to see if anyone exits, or approaches. Nobody does, but then he is stabbed in the left butt cheek. He spins (hops weirdly) around to see that he has just been sneak attacked by an 8 year old. Damn, Cletus - did you spend everything on a high AC and leave nothing for Perception?

The boy has stabbed Cletus with a silver rapier, and despite wielding a lycanthrope hunters weapon, seems to think he is defending them. “Are you here to hurt the Moon People?”

Cletus, trained in philosophy, theology and debate, expertly flips the interrogation on his interlocutor. “Are you?”

“No! I would defend them with my life!” This kid is not the best spy.

Then the boy’s mother arrives and apologises profusely for the but stabbing. Apparently the boy has been having nightmares recently about the Sad Man of the Woods. The Sad Man is supposedly at least 2 feet taller than Cletus, who already scrapes 7 feet. So, tall.

Y-M-C-A!

Cletus has had enough butt-stabbing, and the rest of the party have extracted as much information as they can from Rosemary’s house. We all head to the YMCA, where Ludwig Ernst and Karl Wagner were killed. It is a converted were-house, which seems appropriate. There is a threatening message scrawled on the doors, and they really are made by claws. Inside, there are 2 large blood stains. Nearby, there are faint chalk marks that someone has tried to erase. The look like the holy symbols of Malar (the god, not the guy here in town).

Looking around, the YMCA seems to be dedicated to education, primarily about astronomy. With a particular focus on lunar cycles. We get it Ethan, we know that most of the town are lycanthropes. That doesn’t make them bad people!

Rusty wanders around the room looking for anything out of place, and notices that as he walks across the rug that the floor underneath it is wooden. The rest of the floor here is stone. Trap door!

We’re about to head down into the labyrinthine passages below the YMCA when Ivan has a total meltdown. He’s totally convinced that most of the town are lycanthropes. He wants to test them all and then kill them. We do not sympathise. We do not deny the evidence we’re seeing, but that doesn’t excuse us from following all the evidence where it leads. We can always do “kill them all, let God sort them out” as plan B.

In the bowels of the earth

We descend into the passages under the YMCA. Cletus is following the footsteps we find, while Rusty is mapping so we don’t get lost. After a significant time (these tunnels are LONG), we find a dead female body. She died from claw and bite wounds, but the assailant was oddly short for a lycanthrope - the wounds all come from a creature of similar height to the victim. We roll the body over, and there is a masterwork silver weapon embedded in her body. It has been especially designed to create wounds that look like claw strikes and bites. Not suspicious at all. Rusty keeps it.

We proceed, and eventually the tunnel ends at a ladder, leading upward. At the top is a slab of stone. Once Cletus pushes it out of the way, we find ourselves once again in the lighthouse cabin. The fireplace had a false bottom. That’s cool and all, but we’ve been here. There’s still some passages to explore.

We head back down and follow all the paths. We find some rooms that look obviously designed to restrain a lycanthrope that isn’t able to control its urges. We also find another ladder leading up - it terminates in the Wagner house.

Wagner family correspondence

Front and center, we find a damning letter, purportedly written by Christa Wagner, to the Baron. In it she pleads with the Baron to send enforcers to the town of Bayside and burn it to the ground to wipe out all the Werewolves. It is written in clear, precise hand, with a generic seal.

When we investigate the study, however, we find that all of the other correspondence in the house is written in a different hand. In fact, all the correspondence, whether from Karl or Christa, is written in the same hand. Further investigation revealed that Christa was, in fact, illiterate. She would dictate all her correspondence to Karl, who would write for her.

Checking the date on the first letter shows that it was dated after her husband’s death - in fact, the text of the letter mentions Karl’s murder as the inciting incident for Christa writing to the Baron.

The other correspondence is also sealed, but in that case, with the Wagner family seal. The letter to the Baron is a fake! Shocking!

Relaxing at the Inn

We head back to the inn. The party is wrestling with the cartoonishly fabricated evidence everywhere, and the changing M.O. of the murders. It does not seem to be a single killer at all, and someone is spreading false evidence around without any skill or thought.

Ivan, on the other hand, is utterly convinced that we should just kill everyone. He confronts Malar with outlandish (if tru) accusations, and tries to test him for lycanthropy. While this ridiculous conversation is happening, the front door of the inn is smashed in by a giant were-shark. It’s Gustav, the first person to go missing, whose body was never found. The man whose daughter at University is being stalked by someone. Also the Sad Man of the Forest. Anyway, he smacks the living shit out of Malar. It’s on!

Gustav, who won initiative with a natural 20, bites Louie (Louie saves vs Lycanthropy) and then hits him with a claw attack that hurls him out the door and clear across the town square.

Rusty, who finally got good initiative, grows to his large form and smacks Gustav with his silvered mace. No damage. Again? 2HP damage. This guy has damage reduction.

Cletus grapples Gustav - Nat 20! He breaks the sharks wrist. He shoves Gustav over - he’s prone. He puts him in a sleeper hold. Not good enough - Gustav is prone and grappled, but not suffocating. Ivan uses his reaction to throw silver dust in Gustav’s face, which is apparently the local equivalent of Silvery Barbs. Cletus gets another try at the choke hold - success! If he can hold on for 4 more rounds, Gustav will be unconscious.

Louie runs back into range, but on the way through the shrine in the center of the square, they smack into the big magnifying glass. Louie swings it around to aim at the inn, causing the same effects as Moonbeam.

Horus tries to use Suggestion on Gustav, and it would have worked too, if it weren’t for those meddling Legendary Resistances!

Ivan straight up shoots Gustav dead.

Malar - and the party - are pissed at Ivan. Ivan doesn’t care - his sister was killed by lycanthropes, they’re all evil!

The Captain grapples Ivan. Ivan pulls out a letter and says we have to help him or this letter will be sent to the Baron! (That’s apparently bad for us?). Cletus yoinks it straight out of his hand and throws it to Horus. Horus launches it into the air like a skeet, and Rusty firebolts it (Nat 20!). There’s nothing left but a light ash-fall.

Cletus chokes Ivan out.

Wrap-up

Horus forges a letter to the Baron on Ivan’s stationery, saying that he is going on an extended leave of absence to travel to Mordent and study under the most famous monster slayer of them all, Van Richten!

We get one writ each from Malar for doing good deeds.

Elara gives another one to Rusty for his work ensuring OH&S compliance.

Louie gets an extra one too, from Malar, for killing his evil dad. Rusty mutters that he was there too, but doesn’t get anything.

Horus assists the town putting Gustav to rest. Ivan is also put to rest, less ceremonially, but more in line with the cycle of life.

Malar asks us to track down Helena (Gustav’s daughter) to tell her what happened.

Loot!

Off Ivan we get a +2 silvered light crossbow, a +2 silvered rapier, Cunning Action dust (4 uses), Vanish Dust (3 uses), Uncanny Dodge Dust (4 uses), Studded Leather Armour and a +2 set of thieves tools.

Team Strongth 3 - The Search for Dennis (& Louie)

The team prepares to venture to the Astral Plane, to rescue Dennis & Louie who have been lost due to the criminal negligence of Krampus.

Rusty decides to be prepared, and works very hard to create a tuning fork that will allow him to Plane Shift back to Mordent. This turns out to be utterly useless, due to the head-canon of Ethan that completely turns all of D&D planar history on its head, but good try Rusty. He also brings 3 un-tuned forks, that he can align to other planes if he gets the chance.

While we are preparing, we also arrange to ship the output of the salt mines to Mizzium, who should be able to use it to resurrect more villagers. In addition, Rusty has finished the prosthetic teeth commission Dennis placed with him, so those are going along in case we ever do find him. This is a modified Bloodshed Blade. It does not have the invokable rune, but does have the bonus to damage rolls. In addition, it has poison reservoirs built in - 2 doses of poison per side (fang). Each side has a separate reservoir, so you can load 2 different poisons at once - 2 doses each. Alternatively, you can load the same poison on both sides, giving 4 doses of that poison.

Meanwhile, on the Astral

Dennis and Louie are extruded onto the Astral Plane. They are in separate locations - neither can see the other, nor can they see Krampus anywhere.

Louie makes an Arcana roll and is simply informed “You are feeling as though you are drying out.” Good roll, Louie.

Dennis makes an Arcana roll and gets a massive Astral Plane lore dump.

That’s how you make an Arcana roll, Louie.

Dennis has dodge

Dennis learns how to do this Astral movement really soon, as he is apparently targeted by an arrow that was fired by a God before humans started swinging from trees, let alone climbing out of them. What are the odds? 1/2 of a millionth of fuck all, but here we are. He has to dodge hundreds of feet just to get out of the path, which tells us the arrow is at least double that in diameter. He manages it. A good thing too - this was apparently “The Sundering Shot”, and is designed to kill the God Gruumsh. Correlon can’t shoot for shit.

After dodging, he gets back to the serious business of searching for either Louie or, more importantly, Louie’s stuff. He doesn’t find any, but he does find a shower of gold coins, a staff, a blank scroll with whale patterns, and a dead wizard holding a pot of petunias. He notes that he is getting real Heart of Gold vibes here, and Ethan decides that Scott doesn’t get his Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy reference because he hasn’t read the books, and doesn’t know that the Heart of Gold was the ship with the Infinite Improbability Drive that causes the whale and the pot of petunias to come into existence in the first place. Read a book, Ethan.

Other random Dennis encounters - he spies two Ravens flying along and immediately recognises them as Huginn and Muninn, which Ethan cannot believe. This is what reading books gets you, Ethan. He sees another whale, but this one is a bit Eldritch. He also spies the body of a dead god, slowly regenerating, and he is sorely tempted to go and eat a piece of that, but resists temptation.

Lastly he gets shot at by Lord Godfrey, the dark lord we first killed in Mordent. After charging at him behind the convenient corpse of a Wizard holding a pot of petunias, it turns out he wasn’t shooting to kill, but rather to attract notice. Dennis has a lovely dinner at his castle overnight. Lord Godfrey is not upset, and actually rather pleased we freed him. Dennis learns from Godfrey that there is a pair of female Grung somewhere around here that have visited him in the past - he thinks their names are Francesca and Kristen. They were last seen heading East, away from the city of the Githyanki. Dennis decides to head in the same direction, in the hope that plot contrivance will lead Louie in the same direction.

When Dennis leaves, he allows Lord Godfrey to use 10 of his Ki points to do something, which turned out to be upgrade his Wraps of Unarmed Prowess from +1 to +3. Nice! Thanks, Godfrey!

Dennis heads east, away from the Githyanki city, in the direction the Grung went. He immediately comes across Tu’narath, the Githyanki capital. Because of course he does. He takes careful note of where it is, in case that information is saleable.

Louie is now really, truly banned from the table.

Louie finds a coin, and that’s about all he gets to do before the spirit of the dead GodBrain comes thundering along and psychic blasts him to within 1 HP of dead. Now, I know from Ethan’s notes that he was supposed to attack Louie twice before fleeing from Githyanki raiders. He was also supposed to flee if Louie imagined feeblemind moss, which is, of course, exactly what Louie does. With a natural 20. Then he also makes the contested roll to get to act before the GodBrain, and also hits it square in the kisser with said moss. And it fails its save.

Now Louie has a pet GodBrain, and Ethan has a complex. Louie then immediately runs into Franceska and Kristen, who are his birth mother and adoptive mother respectively. It’s a heart-wrenching scene, and they have Raymond with them.

The main party

Thanks to Cletus’, the party have the foresight to tightly hold hands as they enter the Astral, and thanks to some successful rolls, are not separated. They are immediately accosted by a Mormon on a Chicken. They are given a pamphlet.

It is at this point that Rusty absent-mindedly touches his Amulet of the Planes, and recognises that it is inert in this place. Information is imparted to him about Astral Colour Portals, and he becomes aware that Red is likely associated with a portal to the Nine Hells. Firstly, make a damn Arcana check dude. Check out what Dennis learned, without your fancy book-learnin’ and amulet. Second, Rusty is far less concerned by this than Ethan expected. Rusty is kind enough to explain his lack of concern - sure, the amulet may not work here, and the tuning fork may not be usable. Here. But step through one of these colour portals - any colour portal, but ideally one that goes to a less hostile location than the Nine Hells - and you’ll be somewhere that the Amulet does work. From there, it’s a quick Plane Shift home. This was done, less to show Ethan how clever he was, but rather to give Ethan the opportunity to figure out why he isn’t going to allow that to work. Otherwise, Ethan will have to come up with something on the fly, and that will take time and probably be less well thought out.

Meanwhile, the party is being sporadically bombarded with random items - some from Louie’s portable hole, some new. Horus gets a Book of Rituals, written in Deep Speech. Thankfully he is Deep Speech literate. It contains rituals for:

• Demon Summoning, but you need to know their true name.
• Sacrifice a mortal to double your own power for one day.
• Sacrifice 2500gp to freely rearrange your skills.

Rusty gets 2 dragon testicles and a gods boner.

The second coming of Fucktail

We come across all the Harendon that died when the Illithids attacked their home, including fan favourite Fucktail! It is a touching reunion. They prevail upon us to settle a dispute between 3 spirits a rock over who are arguing loudly into the night. Apparently one husband died young, the wife remarried, and they’re all here now arguing about marital rights.

OK, first, she’s not property, assholes. Second, what is wrong with you people? Settle in for some menage a trois, or at least work out a roster. After extensive conversation, Horus convinces the woman to be shot of both the blokes, and move to Selune’s afterlife in the hope of some hot Lycanthrope on Elf action. I can see the Mills & Boon cover now.

Grandma Vespa has a serious amateur astronomy habit

Rusty completed repairing fixing Grandma Vespa’s telescope, and then instantly wasn’t there and had never been. Dennis was always there.

Grandma Vespa reveals to Cletus that the attack on St Nicks workshop wasn’t random. She regales us with the tale of the battle again, but indicates that the chain guy knew what he was doing, and specifically targeted St Nick.

We tell her we’ll take a look.

Grandma Vespa was apparently in the suburbs

As we exit Grandma Vespa’s house, we see the locals in a state of hysteria, wailing “They took St Nick!”. Lying in the roadway is an elf in a coma. Dennis slaps some health into her, and Papa Ricky takes her inside to heal up. Cletus checks to see what she was holding - first Nat 20 of the night. In her left hand is a cracked snow globe, showing fleeting visions of a darkened workshop. In her right hand is a blood stained parchment which reads:

The age of indulgent kindness ends. This winter, only the obedient and the fearful shall survive. Stand aside, or be remade.

It is signed with a stylized goat-skull sigil.

This triggers a PTSD flashback in Cletus or something, as he freezes up for a moment. When he comes to again, he tells the party of a vision:

For a moment, the area around you fades. You see a flash of ice‑glass corridors beneath a sky of swirling black and silver light. A man in red and white his beard rimed with frost hangs suspended in a cage of crystal, his eyes closed, his breath shallow. Between you and him stretches a single, thin thread of light, quivering like a plucked string.

The vision originates from the far north. Cletus feels as though he is linked to the man in the vision, and we deduce that he is most likely at Whelk Spring House on Echo Island. Where’s The Captain and his boat when you need him?

Overland trek to the Island. That makes sense.

The distance to the nearest point of land to Echo Island - Bent Key Causeway - is ridiculously longer than if we had sailed straight there, but what can you do? We set out along the road. First stop - Candle Cross! We get to see how the town is now doing after we destroyed it, then forcibly repopulated it with refugees. Pretty well, as it turns out. The locals are happy to see us, and they give us a Candle of Invocation, and a Candle of the Deep.

Further down the track is Waterford. We rest there for the evening. For some reason we all get inspiration?

The next morning we continue to Idlethorpe. We’ve not been to this town before, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t affected it. There are buskers everywhere, and there is a stall that promises to tell your future. It is manned by a father and his 3 year old daughter. We recognise the father from Mordentshire whose newborn daughter had telekinetic powers. We had helped them move to Blairsbay where her abilities would be more accepted, but now, they’re apparently here. Cletus gives them a coin and she giggles and says “You’re like him”. Cletus feels something coil around him, and gains the ability to cast Tasha’s Mind Whip once per day. No idea why, that bit was ad-libbed by Ethan and is not in his notes.

The Creepy Causeway

Dennis, in a rare moment of erudition, says that the name “causeway” implies that it is able to be crossed on foot at low tide. He’s right! There’s a first time for everything. When we reach the causeway, however, all the mood pointers indicate we should avoid this place like the plague. Dennis is undeterred - he is literally a plague doctor. We press on.

Part way across, the warnings turn out to be very accurate, and we are attacked by a massive owl. It is an aspect of Auril’s divinity, and it is a tough motherfucker.

Dennis gets 28 for initiative, and thinks he will finally get to go first, but no. Louie rolls a Nat 20, and Cletus manages to scrape together 32 without even critting. What the fuck, Cletus? Dennis is now second last, followed only by the time wizard. Something is wrong with our party.

Louie and Raymond attack, but they fail their CON save, take cold damage and are slowed. Then they miss anyway.

Cletus also fails his save, and it is not recorded if he even took a swing.

Auril (who also beat Dennis’ initiative) beats on Louie for a bit.

Dennis automatically fails, takes damage and is slowed, but he doesn’t care. At half speed, he’s still faster than Louie. He flies over there, but can only attack twice because - as he is slowed - he doesn’t get his bonus action flurry. Never mind, he hits the first swing, and does 9 force and 15 fire damage. The fire damage is doubled - nice, he was hoping that would happen. In addition, he paralyzes Auril. It’s all coming together!

Horus then decide to completely upstage everyone and fireballs the living shit out of Auril. For some reason this causes winter magic to coil around Dennis, restraining him. On the up side, everyone else gets a reaction attack on Auril, and they beat the crap out of her and she dies.

More Creepy Causeway

We move on and find the location of the battle that Grandma Vespa witnessed. That’s 2 days travel away. Rusty wants that telescope now. Anyway, there are frozen elves and reindeer everywhere. We figure this is a nice, wholesome place to make camp and settle in for the evening.

During the night, several massive undead reindeer come towards us from the shadows. Well, they look undead, but apparently aren’t? They don’t attack, either, though they seem to be having some sort of internal struggle over that. Louie puts a stop to that by casting Protection from Evil and Good on them, and they settle down. A side effect of this is that Louie gets a 1 foot tall clone of himself, and hasto speak in rhyme for 1 hour (real time). Ethan, you know not what you have wraught.

In the morning we proceed, and there is a present lying in the causeway. Obvious trap, so obviously Cletus opens it. Boom! 67 cold for him and 33 for everyone else. Meh. Further along, we find a portal to the realm of Christmas. Or the North Pole. Something. It’s a portal, all right?

Blocking the portal is a sphinx. It says “In order to pass you must solve my 3 riddles. Answer correctly or turn back. Fail three times within the same riddle and join my garden of the frozen.”

Well this is bullshit. Sphinxes are creatures of the desert - this thing should be frozen solid. Also, the Sphinx Union Rules clearly state one riddle. Anyway.

Riddle One

I am given freely but never possessed. I grow larger when shared, smaller when hoarded. I cost nothing yet am priceless. I can warm the coldest winter yet cannot be held. What am I?

Cletus answers Love, which is correct.

Riddle Two

A father watches but cannot touch. He gives but cannot receive. He protects by staying away. His greatest gift is what he never gives himself. What does he sacrifice?

We answer Life, which is thought hard about, but still judged correct. This is the problem with vague riddles, Ethan!

Riddle Three

When you go out in a blizzard and see a vampire, what do you get?

Dennis knows this one. “Frostbite - and that’s racially insensitive, you asshole!” This is also correct. We proceed through the portal.

The North Pole

There are frozen walls surrounding St Nicks town, guarded by Nutcrackers. The ask for a password. Cletus guesses “Krampus”. Cletus is correct. We pass.

Inside we find a hall decorated with ice statues of everything St Nick opposes. It looks a bit like the White House does now. A childish monument to a bruised ego. We ignore it and move on. There’s no point feeding the trolls.

Rooms of visions

As we proceed, we find various rooms filled with things that trigger Cletus’ PTSD again. There are so many visions, that I’m not going to bother recording them all - I’m on a time crunch. Suffice it to say that Cletus is St Nicks child, St Nick was a mortal but absorbed part of Auril’s divinity, Krampus is St Nick’s brother who absorbed a different bit of Auril, but his was a bit off, and he’s being going slowly mad ever since.

The final boss

The next room is a corrupted factory, once for making toys but now for creating horrors. Spread throughout are multiple gifts, converted to monsters (8 tin soldiers, 6 flying swords, and 2 rugs of smothering), and at the far end sits Krampus. St Nick is there too, chained with lightning at the far end.

Krampus monologues, but we’re experience adventurers and we know not to listen to those.

Initiative! Cletus 26 (what the fuck, Cletus?), Dennis 25 (at last!), Horus 24, Krampus and friends 20, and Louie 17. Then more of Krampus’ friends.

Round 1

Cletus opens negotiations by killing one of the tin soldiers.

Dennis kills 2 tin soldiers, but misses his swing at a flying sword.

Krampus legendary actions to brand Dennis. 33 cold damage and a tattoo.

Horus moves so he can firebolt a rug, which prompts an opportunity attack from it, but it misses. 20 fire damage to the rug. Then he has to make saves against casting spells in Krampus’ domain. Seems unfairly targeting spellcasters, but whatever. As a result of his failure to resist, he has to tell a secret. Horus is a fucking cannibal who likes Rabbit meat. He also has to give away his grimoire to Louie, and Louie is too stupid to give it back. Horus can no longer cast spells.

Krampus hits Dennis with his chains for lots of damage. then the flying swords attack everyone and miss everyone except Dennis, and now he’s down.

Raymond bites a sword, which is surprisingly effective. It dies. Louie feeds Dennis a potion - he’s back, baby! - then he throws tiny Louie at Horus so Horus can get the benefit of his aura.

The Tin Soldiers attack Cletus 3 times and Dennis twice, and nobody lands a hit. The rugs join in with attacks on Cletus and Horus, but they all miss too.

Krampus finishes up with a legendary action to shove Dennis into his bag of devouring.

Round 2

Cletus attacks Krampus. He tries to retrieve Dennis, but fails. The inside of the sack is an abyssal darkness, with 6 points of light within. Cletus then shoves Krampus over - eventually - then with his action surge, grapples him - eventually, with a natural 20.

Dennis is floating in an abyss. He sees 6 motes of light, and can hear scraping noises and make out glowing eyes in the darkness. The points of light are viewpoints to the hall Dennis just came from. Dennis flies to a point of light and departs, because he’s not stupid. He is next to St Nick, and determines that one of the chains of lightning can be broken with a 25 STR check. There’s no way Dennis can do that, but he communicates this information to the rest of the party.

Horus, who is now the world’s worst melee character, attempts to hit a Tin Soldier but fails.

Krampus takes a swing at Cletus but misses. Then he takes a swing at Louie and misses. Lastly he takes a swing at Raymond, and hits! Big damage and paralyzed.

The flying swords swing at Horus and Raymond but still manage to miss.

Louie hits Krampus twice, and uses his bonus action to feed a potion to Raymond.

The tin soldiers all take swings at Raymond and all miss except for the one that rolled a natural 20.

A rug smothers Horus despite his best efforts.

Round 3

St Nick groans. The lightning is intensifying - St Nick is getting weaker and Krampus is getting stronger.

Cletus attacks Krampus 3 times, but misses twice due to his improving AC.

Krampus puts Raymond in the bag.

Dennis punches the rug, knowing it will hurt Horus but hoping the rug has fewer HP. It did hurt Horus, but didn’t hurt the rug!. Dennis attempts to tear the rug off Horus, which astonishingly he manages to do, considering STR is his dump stat. He then throws the rug over a Tin Soldier. Both of them die.

Horus casts Shocking Grasp, grasps a flying sword, and uses it to hit a Tin Soldier. The sword and soldier both die.

Krampus teleports out of Cletus’ grip, and beats down on him. 28 damage and paralyzed. Then he misses Louie, hits Cletus (crit for triple damage - 198!), and misses Louie.

A flying sword takes a swing at Louie and misses. The rugs are all dead.

Raymond tries to eat the motes of light, which doesn’t work, so he tries again, and then gets eaten by the bag horrors. Zoe, Raymond has a higher intelligence than Cletus. He may be a frog, but he is not an idiot, stop playing him like one or Rusty will forcibly educate him using telepathy. Anyway, Raymond is dead, and I believe should stay that way.

Louie feeds a potion to Cletus and attacks Krampus, doing a bit of damage.

Round 4

Cletus attacks Krampus but misses every time. That AC is still going up.

Dennis attacks Krampus and hits 3 from 5. That’s how you do it, Cletus!

Horus moves to the chains holding St Nick and manages to break one - I think one of them required a 5th level Dispel Magic. Good work, Horus, we may yet turn this around.

Krampus attacks Louie and hits, Dennis and misses, Cletus and misses, and Horus and misses.

Louie is paralyzed, but manages to save against it and breaks out of the chains.

Round 5

Cletus runs over to Horus to help with the chains. He manages to break the one that needs a 25 STR check, but it took some effort. He also determines that one of the chains needs to be struck with a weapon that has never drawn blood.

Dennis manages to hit Krampus twice from 5 this round. That AC is getting worse.

Horus determines that one of the chains can be broken with a critical hit. Horus then hits the other chain with a dagger he has had since 1st level but never used. It breaks!

Krampus hits Louie, then Dennis, then Dennis again, then Louie again. Dennis is paralyzed and grappled.

Horus throws little Louie onto big Louie, and little Louie casts Lesser Restoration. Krampus couterspells. Little Louie feeds Dennis a healing potion.

Round 6

Cletus tries to crit the chain that needs it, but doesn’t make the rolls. He determines that one chain can be broken with massive radiant damage.

Dennis makes his save against Paralysis and breaks free of Krampus’ chains.

Horus casts a fireball on the chain that needs 50+ points of fire damage in a single attack, and breaks it. Krampus is weakened - his AC is dropping, as is the DC of his attacks.

Krampus hits Louie and paralyzes him, then throws him in the bag of devouring. He then prepares to attack Horus and Cletus, when he notices that something is terribly, terribly wrong. Louie had a portable hole in his pocket, which is now inside the bag of devouring. There is a mighty explosion, and Krampus, Louie, and Dennis (who was inside the blast radius) are gone, lost on the Astral Plane. Apparently in different places on the Astral Plane, but that is meta-knowledge.

Cletus and Horus manage to break the remaining chains, and St Nick is free.

Epilogue

St Nick says “I have carried lists longer than any mortal winter. The only names that ever truly mattered were yours and your mother’s.”

Apparently, Cletus’ Pa died, and it took a year before he could be resurrected. In that time, Mamma Cletus got it on with a local farmer called Nicholas, who almost immediately got infected with Auril and had to leave because the unshielded divinity was killing those around him. Which make you wonder what happens to the little kiddies that stay up to see Santa, but I digress. He left, and then almost immediately, Pappa Cletus is resurrected. But technically it’s not cheating. Sure, you tell yourself whatever lets you sleep at night.

Loot

Apparently we get a Flying Chariot, which needs to be pulled by flying creatures, the only one of which we have is Dennis. Good reason for Cletus and Horus to get him back.

Because f*ck that guy.

We return from our temporary hiatus to Bhaal’s shitty dinner party. Initiative! The Captain rolls high (31) - but not high enough to beat Orin the Red. Following The Captain is Rusty (29), then The Dark Urge, then Bhaal. I think. He does so many legendary actions, it’s hard to tell when he actually had his turn. Next is Horus and Gary, then Louie and Raymond, then Sarevok, Abazegul, Cletus, and Dennis stone motherless last.

Round 1

Orin decides to kill Cletus, but cannot even approach his AC. Giving up really easily, she uses her second attack on Rusty, but that was a failure too.

The Captain thinks that is uncalled for, so stabs Orin. Hit! Massive damage! She uncanny dodges to halve the damage, So The Captain hits her again. Then he hides under the table. Remember Ethan, he’s only 2’6”, so he can stand up under there. He isn’t prone!

The Dark Urge tosses out a Legendary Action at this point, targeting Rusty. Rusty made his save though, so we have no idea what he was trying to do.

Rusty figures that ganging up on one opponent at a time is good strategy. He uses his bonus action to grow really big, then brings his Akmon, the Hammer of Purphoros down on Orin’s head, concertina-ing her entire body straight down into a pancake. Akmon does fire damage too, so he also cooked the pancake. One down! Then he spins and smashes Sarevok with Akmon, trying to see if he can knock another tooth out. It doesn’t work. Sarevok appears to be resistant to the fire damage. Sarevok then cracks his neck. This was Ethan-code for ‘he turns his armour of “you can’t hurt me” on’, but it took us a while to figure that out.

Bhaal tosses a dagger at someone, but misses. Not clear if this was his turn or a legendary action.

The Dark Urge flies to a strategic spot, and breathes some sort of breath weapon all over Louie and Raymond. Louie makes his save (1/2 damage), Raymond doesn’t (still 1/2 damage - gotta love evasion).

Sarevok gets a legendary action. Why don’t we get those? Anyway, he sees Cletus’ boomerang and correctly infers that Cletus is responsible for his missing teeth. Some of them, anyway. He uses Command on him to do - something? Not sure, because - due to the missing teeth - he can’t cast spells. That was pointless - maybe we don’t want Legendary Actions after all.

Bhaal must be getting fed up with his useless minions, because he finally gets out of his chair! He teleports to the middle of the room (all the better to get you all within my AoE) and looses some attack that makes Cletus and The Captain make Wis saves, which they both fail. They are paralyzed for 1 minute. Dennis could help, if he wasn’t at the bottom of the initiative order! Also, The Captain is currently really well hidden and nobody can find him, even with him telepathically telling Rusty where he is and Rusty passing that information on to the party. The Captain is just too good!

Horus can see Cletus, though, and he casts Lesser Restoration on him. Cletus can move!

Louie and Raymond decide to focus fire with Rusty et al, and bound over to Sarevok. They hit him! He takes no damage! Raymond, thinking laterally, grapples his helmet off with his tongue, thinking maybe it was providing his damage immunity. It wasn’t, but it was a shit hot helmet, so Raymond swallows it. Sarevok turns out to have a massive bald spot.

Sarevok was not happy, so he whips out another legendary action, and uses “Sword of Chaos” on Louie. Louie makes his save, and in addition, Sarevok misses his roll to hit. No effect. Wow, Sarevok’s legendary actions suck.

Abazegul casts some AoE spell on the party. Everyone saves. It was a CON save, so even those with evasion still take half damage.

Cletus decides that damage immunity just means you’re not trying hard enough, and absolutely beats the crap out of Sarevok. After enough damage (spoiler - it was a lot), Sarevok’s armour shatters. This make Sarevok vulnerable to - well, everything, as far as we could tell. In addition it gives everyone a reaction attack on Sarevok. We pile on the damage, and Raymond’s critical hit finally finishes the lispy bastard off.

Cletus wasn’t finished yet. He jogs over to where Sceleritas is hoping nobody will see him, and starts beating him up. Sceleritas shows he is a team player by transferring all the damage he takes to The Dark Urge. Cletus figures this is a cheap way to hit the flying guy he otherwise cannot reach, so he action surges and keeps beating on Sceleritas. If I were The Dark Urge, I’d be getting a bit irritated by now.

Abazegul sucks up to Bhaal by casting mirror image on him, then grows to full dragon form and lightning breaths everyone.

Dennis finally gets a go! He ignores the Dragon in the corner, flies over to Sceleritas and starts hitting him, reasoning that maybe the stun effect will transfer to The Dark Urge and he’ll fall out of the sky. Unfortunately not - the stun effect sticks to Sceleritas, but the damage all goes to the Dark Urge.

Round 2

The Captain saves vs paralysis (nat 20). Then he sneaks attacks Sceleritas (another nat 20) and kills him. The effect of his crit card is to make The Captain immune to 1d4 (3) damage types for 1d4 (4) rounds. He chooses piercing, lightning and necrotic, I think. The Captain then uses his second attack to throw a dagger at The Dark Urge, and does 10. Not satisfied with that, he uses Bigby’s Benificent Bracelet and force slaps The Dark Urge for 52 damage. Then he hides again.

Abazegul gets a legendary action and breaths lightning on Rusty, Louie and Raymond. He missed.

Rusty uses his cerebral circlet on The Dark Urge, doing 48 psychic damage.

The Dark Urge responds by using a legendary action to drop a meteor swarm on Rusty and Louie. Despite being immune to fire, Rusty still ends up looking very poorly, and Louie drops.

The Dark Urge then takes his action, and casts something at Rusty, who makes his save. Someone (Abazegul?) casts Silvery Barbs on Rusty to force him to save again - he does save again. Nice!

Bhaal throws a dagger at The Captain, but misses. He throws on at Raymond - hits! He throws one at Louie’s body - hit! 2 death saves down. Someone hits Louie again - he’s dead.

Interlude 1

Louie gets to choose his afterlife, and opts for hanging out with Selune. She can be found sitting in a moonlit glade, watching a tranquil pond that is acting as a scrying surface, showing the fight. She has a bucket of popcorn that she is munching from. Louie takes a seat next to her and accepts some popcorn, but indicates that he won’t be here long.

Return to the action (1)!

Cletus is running out of opponents that are on the ground, so he goes for the big prize and hits Bhaal.

Abazegul tries to bite Cletus, but frankly nobody knows why he bothered. Miss. So he claws Dennis, hits, and blinds Dennis for 2 turns. Dennis smirks to himself.

It’s Dennis’ turn! For his first hit of the round, he punches his eyes back into working order, coincidentally healing himself up to full HP. Now able to see again, he hits Abazegul, who appears to be immune to stun. So he hits him again. Turns out he is not immune to poison. Paralyzed. Hits him again - crit - and as the result of the crit card, he gets the ability to extract one truthful bit of information from Abazegul. He asks him what Bhaal and his minions greatest weakness is. “Withers can destroy any of the dead three.”

Not sure he heard properly, Dennis asks “Did you say Withers?”.

Interlude 2

Dennis transcends into the mists, and meets Withers. He asks Withers to destroy Bhaal and his minions. Withers says he will not act directly against Bhaal, but he’s happy to kill the minions.

Return to the action (2)!

Dennis fades back into existence, and Ethan robs him of his remaining attack! On the plus side, Abazegul and The Dark Urge are both now dead.

Round 3

The Captain sneak attacks Bhaal and kills him dead. Nice! Unfortunately, it is not possible to murder the God of Murder. That’s a bit questionable - he started this, so it was definitely self defence, not murder. Anyway, Bhaal gets up, is now apparently competely immune to everything, and just starts to walk away.

Rusty revivifies Louie, which is the start of a long and bitter exchange between him and Bhaal. Bhaal is throwing an absolute tantrum, demanding some unspecified apology for something, and Louie, quite correctly, adamantly refuses. Bhaal keeps kiiling him, and we keep bringing him back. For some reason, each time he comes back, he is munching another mouthful of popcorn.

The rest of the party is doing everything they can to hold on to Bhaal and not let him get away, while Rusty and Louie are wracking their brains for some way to shut him down. Rusty sacrifices his self-respect and actually uses divination magic to ask a God for help. He opts for Hephaestus, whi seemed a stand up guy. Hephaestus indicates that banishing him is our only effective method.

Thankfully Louie can cast Banishment, but not often and Bhaal has been saving up his legendary resistances for just this purpose. We try any number of ways to try and bur through his resistances, but being immune to damage, he isn’t willing to expend them on anything short of Banishment.

Eventually, Louie pulls out the wish he picked up in Bluetspur and wishes to banish Bhaal with no chance of saving. Bhaal attempts to Counterspell the wish, but Rusty counterspells Bhaal, and off he goes!

The Captain and Cletus were a bit grumpy at this stage, because they had burned through a lot of consumables by this time.

Oh my God, that’s a lot of loot.

There is a Sword of Chaos. A Helmet of Demonic Protection (currently in Raymond’s stomach). A Crimson Mischief dagger. A Blade of the First Blood dagger. Abazegul had a Sword of Grief, though we had no idea - he never got to use it. Finally there is Sarevok’s Plate Armour of Bhaal, slightly damaged but Rusty should be able to fix it up.

Leaving the cave.

We heal up as many of the dinner guest as we can, and head out. When we reach the altar room with the praying nun, we are blocked by a wall of force. We can’t teleport through it either - we tried. After a chat with the nun, it turns out that she is Sister Morrowin, and her chanting is holding everyone in. She says she cannot take the chance of Bhaal escaping. Cletus tells her not to worry, we killed that dude, but she is not convinced. Eventually she says that if we can refrain from killing a cockroach that is walking past, then we must be telling the truth. Bhaal could never refrain from killing it. Thankfully Dan is unconscious at this point, so we do not have to restrain The Captain and Cletus. Sister Morrowin releases us.

We return everyone to the town, raise as many as we can, and Mizzium is going to stay behind to continue the resurrection train.

It’s Christmas!

Which is weird - it means that the Judeo-Christian tradition exists in Mordentshire.

Cletus is excited and adamant the we should go to his house for Christmas celebrations, so we do. It is snowing in Mordentshire, which makes Cletus very happy.

Cletus’ family are all being sickeningly wholesome, preparing for Saint Nicklaus to visit, hanging lights and decorating. When the lights start to malfunction, the mood sours slightly, and it is revealed that some of Cletus’ family are concerned that something happened to St Nick. The party sets out to visit Grandmother Vesna. If anyone knows what is going on, it will be her.

Grandmother Vesna should talk to her family more

We arrive a Grandma Vesna’s house, and she regales us with a tale of what she saw the other night.

There was a great blizzard, out of which flew fierce monsters. They attacked St Nick and his reindeer - the battle flowed back and forth across the sky. The reindeer were gradually defeated and they became corrupted, joining the enemy. There was a bright flash of lightning which revealed a being, twice the size of a man, standing on a platfor of ice. He cast down St Nick into his home, and then flew down after him.

Then the lights of Spring House went dark, and she hasn’t seen any movement since.

You think you would tell someone about something like that.

Cultists - who needs ‘em?

The party, standing at the top of the cliffs, watch as the cultist runs into the caves. We then completely ignore them, and go somewhere else. Despite, last session, Rusty sending an Arcane Eye in to the caves to spy.

Wit gets in touch with Rusty, and tells him that a woman left the party. Masha, the lady we met outside Derek’s house. Everyone else is still at the BBQ, and Wit has not been able to detect any signs of insanity. Trying to figure out who the cultist we saw was, we do some quick maths and figure out that the only villagers currently unaccounted for are Jacob Reefwalker the fisherman, his son, and Sister Morrowin of Illwater. My money’s on the sister.

Anyway, we’re thoroughly distracted by the approach of The Dreadnaught to the wharf. Heading down to meet it, we come across Jacob Reefwalker, crying in his boat. He sees us and decides we can help him. He unloads a massive sob story about almost killing his boy, and can we help? Sure, buddy, just wait up for the rest of the A Team.

Getting the band back together!

Dennis, The Captain, Horus and Gary disembark from The Dreadnaught and join us. Apparently Papa Ricky sent them to provide additional assistance. He has been researching, and has discovered evidence of an ancient shrine to Waukeem on Lazarette Rock. Anyway, at this point the team remembers that cultist entering the cave, and Jacob says that was where he almost killed his boy. So we all climb aboard Jacob’s fishing dinghy and head over. It must be one hell of a fishing dinghy - it is carrying (in ascending order of size) The Captain, Louie, Horus, Gary, Jacob, Cletus, Rusty and Raymond. The seas were rough and the boat was leaky, but our trusty Minnow saw us safely through.

The entrance is shielded by a waterfall, and it smells of dead fish and feels like a haunted house. Peering through the curtain of water, we think we can see flickering torches behind the cascade, and a portcullis blocking the way. The Captain investigates the area, and notices some blood spatters that lead back toward the water. He receives a vision of Jacob, soaking wet and bleeding swimming back to the mainland. A quick interrogation later, and all Jacob recalls is attempting to kill his son, but being flung back by luminous energy, hitting his head, and falling into the sea. It appears someone protected Jacob’s son with divine magic.

We head further in, and the thing that appeared to be a portcullis was - a portcullis! The smaller members of the party considered looking around for a mechanism to raise it, but one made itself apparent before anyone could even get started. That mechanism is called Cletus, and he just grabbed the bottom of the gate and flung it into the ceiling so hard it came off its rails and stuck there.

Even further in is a shine to Waukeem, corroded and stained with age. There are people in here - living people - who seem to be beggars. It transpires that they have been here since it was a shrine, so since before the domain separated itself into the mists. Like, recorded history doesn’t go back that far. The seeming leader of the beggars, a blind Elf, says they have been living off the donations provided by passers-by. OK, this sounds shady as hell, but he never back-stabbed us that we could detect, so who cares, right? The people who have been passing through recently are a dragon-kin, and a short dude called Sceleritas. Rusty has heard of a goblin called Sceleritas that is part of the clergy of some church that likes killing people. Maybe it could be Bhaal?

Checkov’s sword

The Captain stealths ahead to scout, and the rest of us follow at a polite distance. Horus sees a tapestry to Waukeem that sparks a vision. A bad man (Bhaal) enters the temple at its height, and tries to kill Waukeem - but it turns out to actually be Lire, the goddess of deception. This leads to them dissing each other and then Bhaal trying to kill Lire. And sure, it appears that he is successful, but Lire is basically Loki. It may have looked like she died, but did she really?

The Captain relays this vision to the party, and Rusty notes that the Gods have not been able to roam the material planes since the Time of Troubles - so this vision must have been from a time before that. Since then, Gods have only ever been able to visit using avatars, and killing an avatar, while inconvenient, doesn’t kill the God. But there are legends of weapons that can: a sword called Godsbane, crafted by Haephaestus from the marrow of a Titan.

As we discuss this, a chuckle comes from up ahead. “I wondered how long it would take you to find us. Come down, then.” Cletus looks down the hole that the voice came from an pulls out his trusty boomerang, and flings it down the hole. It whistles around the corner, and there is a loud “CLONK” followed by a muffled and slurred “Fuck!”, then retreating footsteps. The boomerang, not being magical, did no damage - but the critical hit removed 2 front teeth and prevented whoever it was from casting spells until they can get them regenerated, because of their brand new lisp.

Cletus descends the ladder and gathers his trophy teeth. Rusty is going to make him a necklace. The rest of the party catches up, and in the room we find an altar with a feminine figure kneeling before it. Sister Morrowin? No idea, and nobody cares. If it is, then the cultist we are chasing is not a member of the township.

On the other side of the altar is the body of a young boy. The party decides time is of the essence and moves to chase the fleeing figure, but Jacob loses his shit over his dead son and kills himself. Louie “Gentle Reposes” the boy, and Revivifies Jacob, and tells him not to be such a wimp. We’ll resurrect the dead kids as soon as we have time and salt.

Traps and prisons

The party races after The Captain, who is getting further ahead, and runs directly into a trap made of monofilament wires stretched across the passageway. Rusty & Horus fail their saves and take 13HP, Cletus takes half damage. Ahead of us, The Captain sees a temple. It’s a big bastard, too. He wisely refrains from entering and investigates the surroundings while he waits for the party to catch up. He thinks there is a trap on the door, but can’t disable it. He thinks a magical trigger went off, but it didn’t appear to do anything.

Mizzium offers to heal Rusty, Horus and Cletus the damage they took from the trap. Rusty declines - 13 HP isn’t worth wasting magical energy over - but Horus and Cletus accept. They are healed, but have to make CON saves. Horus failed, and now feels sluggish (he took 1 level of exhaustion).

We catch up with The Captain, and we’re all asked about our moods. Rusty, Horus and Dennis have to make CON saves - Dennis failed, and takes a level of exhaustion.

This is a temple to an Edgelord, isn’t it?

We open the temple doors and are confronted with a giant bust of Bhaal. Flickering torches “light” the area, but really just seem to make everything darker. There are runes all over the place - Louie translates with a use of Divine Sense. “Death comes to all who enter uninvited. Only through murder may you prove your worth.” The floor is littered with bones.

As we move through the temple, we hear a voice: “You’re too late! The faithful have done their work. Sixty-three souls, offered freely by those who loved them most. Do you have any idea how potent that kind of sacrifice is? A parent killing their own child, believing they are sending them to paradise? The guilt alone could power a lesser ritual for centuries.”

The speaker seems to have a speech impediment. The Captain queries “I’m sorry - did you say ‘You’re tooth late?’”

A fork in the path

Despite them being able to talk to us, we can’t see the speaker, and the underground path continues on. Ahead is something different - a side passage! We glance to the left, and there are columns in the distance, writhing with electrical energy. The party decides to continue on the main path, but the person at the back of the party (The Captain) notices that the electrical discharges aren’t random - they form letters: O R I N.

The Captain recalls when he was alive and pillaging the Sword Coast, there was a nasty character living there called Orin, who was a shapeshifter. The Captain figures it out instantly and backstabs Mizzium. Mizzium Hellish Rebukes The Captain. The party is confused, but The Captains shouted explanations are enough for us and Louie Moonbeams Mizzium. His form writhes and shifts, and reveals a Changeling. I won’t go in to the NSFW transition from Mizzium to fully dressed female, but some things can’t be unseen.

Orin leads with a monologue, which she soon comes to regret because the party absolutely fucks her up in the first round before we get to her initiative. Thankfully for her, she was higher in the initiative order than Dennis, or she would never have escaped. She Dimension Doors out of there as soon as she can, carrying over 170HP of damage from just The Captain, Cletus and Horus.

We divert to the electricity, and find Mizzium imprisoned. Rusty breaks one of the pylons with Mage Hand and Mizzium is freed. He joins us in our mission. He says that Sarevok passed through earlier. The Captain knows who Sarevok is - he’s a Bhaal spawn who somehow survived the resurrection of Bhaal, and he used to have more teeth.

A room in the path

Continuing back along the main path, we enter a ritual site. There is an inscription, which depending on how you look at it, either says “It puts the lotion in the basket” or “Place your hand on my altar and speak my name to know the killing touch. All secrets bleed for the Lord of Murder.”

The Captain, of course, steps right up. Laying his hand on the altar he says “Bhaal!”. He suffers pain, but not damage. A tattoo of a blade appears on his hand, and gains a single use ability for some future time. He can think of any person in existence, and he will know if they have ever murdered anyone, and if so, who they have murdered. This sounds situational, and I’m intrigued to see where this plot thread leads.

A charnel pit in the path

Leaving this chamber through a door, we enter a broad corridor lines with dozens and dozens of bodies. All the bodies have been murdered, but they all have an eerie smile on their faces, as if they willingly allowed themselves to be killed. In addition, they are all vaguely similar. Almost as if they are half-brothers and sisters. The corridor leads to a series of steps leading downward to a room set up with a gaming table, complete with dice cup and 3 stools. Cletus, gambling addict that he is, picks up the cup and tips the knuckle-bones out into his hand. His vision fades, and he sees the past.

Three figures stride into the hall.The first is a towering warrior in black mail, a spiked crown tucked under one arm and a gauntleted fist clenched at his side.The second is a robed, corpse-pale noble with eyes like dead pearls, weighed down by amulets and bone jewelry.The third is a lean killer in battered leathers, a wicked dagger in hand, his cloak stained with old blood.

You expect a battle, but Jergal only raises a bony hand. His voice is a dry whisper that fills the hall.”Enough. I have grown tired of this task. You want my crown? My throne? My power over death and the dead? Take it.”The three mortals hesitate, confused, their weapons still ready. The black mailed warrior speaks first, his voice iron and ash. “We will not share. One of us must rule.”The corpse-pale noble smiles thinly. “Then let there be a contest, not a slaughter. There is no need to waste such… talent.”The lean killer scoffs. “Fine. A game. Fate has always favoured my hand.”

Jergal produces the cup and bones.

Jergal reaches to his throne. Bone ripples and forms a low table and three stools before him. A cup of yellowed bone appears in his hand, filled with knucklebones marked with strange sigils.”Cast the bones and claim what you desire,” he says. “Divide my power as you see fit.”

First cast - Bane:

The warrior in black mail takes the cup, shakes it once, and casts. The bones land with a sharp clatter, glowing a harsh green-white. A crown, a clenched fist, tormented faces in chains.Jergal inclines his head. “Strife, hatred, and tyranny. Rule through fear and conflict. This is yours to bear.”Dark power floods into the warrior, his eyes blazing with pitiless light.

Second cast - Myrkul:

The corpse-pale noble takes the cup next. His cast is delicate, almost careful. The bones spin and settle into the shape of a skull surrounded by countless tiny grave markers.”The dead will be your charge,” Jergal whispers. “The quiet graves and the endless souls. You will be the Lord of Bones.”Shadows swirl around the noble as he drinks in the power, flesh withering and his presence growing vast and cold.

Third cast - Bhaal:

The lean killer takes the cup last. His smile is thin and hungry. He rattles the knucklebones with practiced ease and flings them across the table.They land in a spray of crimson light, bones forming the shape of a dagger poised over a single, bleeding heart.Jergal’s skull-grin widens. “So be it. You will be death given purpose. Not the stillness of the grave, but the act of killing itself. Murder. Bloodshed. The moment when life is stolen.”The killer shudders as divine power pours into him. His shadow lengthens, sprouting claws and blades. In that shadow, you see a thousand deaths by unseen hands. The three mortals stand transformed, their bodies mortal still, yet wrapped in divinity. Jergal’s throne dims, his presence receding as his once-great power splits three ways.”Let Toril know you as the Dead Three,” Jergal intones. “Bane, Myrkul, and Bhaal. Tyranny. The Dead. And Murder.”

The vision then fades. Cletus tells us all what he saw.

Bhaal is a cheating dick.

So, if you thought it was a bit Edge-lordy before now, well, you haven’t seen anything yet. Bhaal is lording it over a feast of the almost-dead like Costco Strahd. He’s the Lord of Murder, but none of his zombie-ish dinner guest are quite dead, and they are all treatable with minor healing magics or a medicine kit. Talk about half-assing it.

In addition, even though he likes to think he is a super-awesome killing machine, the killer of Gods, etc - he can’t face 6 mid-level mortals without the backup of 5 demigods. Pathetic.

So we’re forcibly invited to this creepy dinner party with Bhaal, Sceleritas Fel, Orin the Red (looking worse for wear), The Dark Urge, Abazigal, and Sarevok (missing his 2 front teeth).

We try to heal as many as we can, and piss off the flunkies in the process, but it all goes OK until Horus crit fails his ability check and sends his goblet of blood over his shoulder. I mean, for a God of Murder, you would have thought healing his victims would have been more upsetting, but no. Apparently it’s a bitch getting the bloodstains out of the carpet.

So Bhaal cuts off Horus’ head, Cletus tries to feed him a potion, Orin attacks Cletus, Sarevok attacks Rusty and crits - Rusty Silvery Barbs, Abazegul Counterspells, Louie Counterspells Abazegul’s Counterspell, and Sarevok misses the second try. The Dark Urge magic missiles Horus who is already 2 death saves down and kills him. Sceleritas casts something on Louie, but nobody remembers what because Louie rolled a natural 20 for the save and it did nothing. Abazegul casts Power Word Kill on Louie - who’s currently well above 100HP - and it kills him anyway.

So despite all the advantages, Bhaal’s flunkies aren’t really doing too well except where either Bhaal sets them up, or the rules are flagrantly violated. Bhaal sees that in order to actually end this quickly, he’ll have to remove all facades of fair ruling and just cheat like a motherfucker. He - and I quote - “fills the room with daggers and everyone takes 293 points of damage, killing them instantly”. It was pointed out that 293 points wasn’t enough damage to kill Rusty or Dennis instantly, and probably not a few more characters. “Oh, did I say 293? I meant 393.”

It was then pointed out that the room was filled with daggers, and everyone took that damage, so he just killed all his minions too. But that was retconned. You wouldn’t let us change our actions after the dice were rolled, Ethan!

So everyone is dead, except for Cletus (who can’t be taken down by 393 points of damage, halved) and Raymond, who Ethan forgot about. Cletus takes the opportunity to punch 2 more teeth out of Sarevok’s head before Bhaal kills him with another dagger.

Well, if you can cheat…

There follows a series of meetings between the (dead) characters and their various Gods, in the afterlife (or closest approximation).

Round 2

Horus wakes up at Bhaal’s table and immediately sneezes up the biggest booger anyone’s ever seen. It reforms itself into a full sized oozy sex doll.

Everyone wakes at full resources, and all levels of exhaustion are gone.

Bhaal’s smug self satisfied grin sours like hot milk in the sun.

Combat!

But first…

Ethan, completely unprompted, hands out early Christmas presents, but only to Rusty and Louie. Impressed with our flawless (?) role play last session he grants us each the following feat:

Polite. You are trained in arguing logic and communication. While in polite company (any social interaction that is non-hostile) you double your proficiency for any Cha skill check you make in which you are already proficient.

Unfortunately for Louie, his only Charisma skill proficiency is Intimidation, so using his Polite feat immediately prevents him from using it again. Rusty’s only Charisma skill is Persuasion, so it’s more useful - but both of them need to skill up on Charisma now.

Back to Combat! Two Monsters go down!

It’s Louie’s turn first, and he hits #3. The Trappers have a go at Cletus, and miss, so they give up on his insane AC, and decide to have a go at Rusty. Those poor, deluded fools. They miss Rusty too, of course. #3 then decides that maybe the Paladin could be hit? He’s half right, he hits one from two.

They then decide discretion is the better part of valor, and flee beneath the ground. Opportunity attacks all round! Cletus and Louie manage to kill #1 before it can submerge. Rusty Circlet Blasts #3, and Horus has a go at it too - but it survives to stalk another day.

The party was thinking that they would have to go on a long, difficult hunt - but the combat music never stopped, so we readied actions for when #3 reappeared. Which it did, attempting to latch on to Horus and drag him under. A goddamn blizzard of readied attacks went off, though, and it died an ignominious death.

Investigation

Rusty was concerned that the obvious abominations did not trigger Louie’s Divine Sense, so he took a close look at one to figure out why. Turns out that underneath all the radioactive mutations, these things are constructs. Rusty does note the signs of high radiation, though, and bundles the corpses up in a metal mining cart, which he seals up with a metal lid.

Cletus looted the bodies. We gather about 30 Lamodes. Rusty says we should put them in a metal pouch for a while, but it’s not too bad - the silver could have absorbed alpha radiation and become radioactive, but it would have turned into a layer of indium atoms on the surface of the silver. Indium has a half-life of 1.7 hours, and would have decayed to a safe level within 17 hours.

Cletus also looted the entire mine, and under one of the crates, found a locket with the photo of a young woman and her baby son. The woman in the photo was vaguely familiar - she’s the old lady out front of the mine asking everyone if they have seen her son.

Horus murders an old lady

As we leave the mine, we spy the old lady. Horus approaches and she asks if we have seen her son. Ignoring the frantic gesticulations of all the miners in the background, Horus calmly and compassionately informs the lady that her son has died and presents her with the locket we found. She instantly drops dead of a heart attack. Horus and Rusty briefly argue about the appropriate first aid response, but Horus still acts promptly, and successfully resuscitates the old lady. The miners take her off our hands and walk her home.

While this commotion occurs, Cletus completely ignores the poor woman’s travails and negotiates with the supervisor to sign off half of our community service. We are informed we can rest overnight, but in the morning we have to go into the mountains to stop the snowballs.

Crafting!

We wander back into town, and as we go we overhear some more rumors:

1. The Speakers of the Spark (some sort of evangelical group for Golems) are recruiting, and not only from the Golem population. They are allowing interested humans and gnomes to join. Some humans have travelled to their monastery on the Isle of Agony, but none have returned.
2. The Patchwork Bride has been seen near the Old Mill (apparently near Drudeglade). She is looking for her maker, but he has left Lamordia. She has killed a few people, but not on purpose - she just doesn’t know her own strength.
3. After dark, strange lights can be seen dancing in the sky to the south. They’re beautiful, but looking at them for too long makes your eyes hurt.
4. Old Gunthar dug up a piece of ore last week that was warm to the touch, and glowed blue. He sold it to the company for a tidy sum, but a week later, and Gunthar is dead.
5. The Sleeping Beast apparently isn’t just a mountain range. Some guys grandfather says he saw it breathe once.
6. Someone saw a 2-headed wolf in the forest, fighting with itself over an elk. The wolf died because each head wouldn’t let the other eat.
7. Tanner’s new son was born with 6 fingers on each hand. Rusty was about to tell them off for prejudice - polydactyly is normal, and people shouldn’t be judged for it. It turns out the fingers also glow in the dark. Fair enough, that is a problem.

The party sets up in the Inn, and Rusty rents a workroom for 8 hours. There, he works on some new tools, and attempts to make:

Then Rusty heads to bed for a full nights rest.

In the wee hours, Cletus decides to booby trap the exit to Rando McDickface’s room. Yeah, that shithead who falsely accused us of grave robbing is sleeping in the room right next to ours! Cletus puts some rolled up hotel blankets in front of his door to trip him as he exits his room. Cletus is sleeping at about 4am, with his door ajar for some reason, when he is awakened by Rando leaving his room, tripping on the blankets and banging his head on the corridor wall. The sword he stole from us falls out of his pack in the confusion, slides across the floor, through Cletus’ open door, and comes to rest under Cletus’ bed. Apparently the odds of this happening were exactly a million to one.

Cletus chooses not to alert Rando that he dropped his sword and goes back to sleep. Rando somehow didn’t notice, and we get away with it. Cletus returns the sword to its rightful owner (Raymond) in the morning. Raymond rolls a natural 20 to hide the sword in his mouth, so now - unless Raymond is actively using the sword - someone will have to beat a 31 sleight of hand check to notice that Raymond has it.

The hills are alive…or have eyes. You pick.

As we leave town in the morning, we are treated to further instances of Ethan blatantly violation the Law of Conservation of Detail, with the presentation of 2 more NPCs that the party will never care about. This time they were: an old miner who is more machine than man, with hydraulic arms pounding the street, for unexplained reasons; and a hopeful inventor who is desperately searching for investors for her new invention, a radiation detector. Rusty glances at her massive contraption briefly, wondering what superfluous parts she put in there to make it so large, and knowing that for a radiation detector to be useful, it has to be portable.

Rusty day-dreams most of the way up the mountain with ideas for a better device. All he needs is a supply of very thin glass windows (mica preferred), and a source of an ionizing gas (helium, neon, or argon). That last one is the hard part. The rest is just lightweight metal tubes and wires and a high voltage power source like the ones in his “Spare the Dying” and “Shocking Grasp” devices. Hook that up to a coil, a magnet and a light weight plate to amplify the voltage spikes and bob’s your uncle. He doesn’t see what the fuss is.

A few more hours finds the party a solid way up the mountain, and we all have to:

1. Make CON saves against cold; and then
2. Make DEX saves agains avalanche.

Most of us saved against cold - I think Louie may have failed. Everyone saved against the avalanche except Horus. We watches as he is whisked away by thousands of tonnes of hurtling snow and trees, and buried. Rusty could still sense his mind, so we knew he was still alive, and Horus’ doesn’t need to breathe any more. Cletus was alert enough to spot where he went, and started digging him out.

Horus was 80 feet down, yet Cletus managed to dig him out in 18 seconds. That’s a tunneling speed of 4 1/2 feet per second, which equates to a tunneling movement rate of 27’. He digs about as fast as he runs. Cletus should write that down. Anyway, Horus gets out and we continue on our merry way. Rusty took the opportunity to look upslope to see if he could spot the instigator of the avalanche, but it originated too far away.

Rounding a corner, the party finds itself face to face with a Roc eating an ox. Both parties are a bit surprised to see the other, but the Roc returns to its meal without fuss, dismissing us little people as harmless. Until, that is, Rusty decides to speak in its mind. Turns out, Roc’s are just smart enough to communicate with telepathically. They don’t like it much, though. I think it thought it was having a psychotic break, but Rusty used his shiny new Diplomacy feat to full effect, and not only convinced it that we were friendly, but also extracted the location of the Yeti, and got the Roc to agree to fly us up to the Yeti.

We flew up there without incident, and were dropped off in front of a cave. The cave had a stone table partially covering the entrance, and carvings on the door that were unreadable due to the thick covering of ice. Rusty asked Cletus to take Horus for a little walk which he Firebolted the door until the ice melted off. Once he did, we were presented with a puzzle! There is an engraving on the door and six runes:

It takes the party a startlingly short time to decipher the puzzle, and we come up with:

Beware the beast of Frost and Fear,
For it burns when Flame draws Near,
Only Fire breaks its Frozen might.

Funnily enough, if we just put the runes into the message in the order we found them, we would have been right. When the party correctly placed the runes, suddenly - nothing happened! But it happened suddenly, mark you!

Let’s just kick that Yeti’s ass.

With a feeling of anticlimax, we entered the Yeti’s cave. Cletus was grumbling and grumpy, and looking for any excuse to hit something. We rolled stealth to sneak in - successfully, for all the good it did. Of course the Yeti gets a surprise gaze attack on the party. Rusty is thinking he’ll trade in his Helm of Awareness for a different infusion. Worse, Rusty is the only one that fails his save against the effect, and is paralyzed. Initiative!

Horus 32, Louie 29, Raymond 26, Rusty 25, Cletus 16 and the Yeti stone motherless last on 8.

Horus goes first, and decides to try something novel - diplomacy! He whips out his Comprehend Languages translator, and asks the Yeti why it is throwing stuff down the mountain. We really need to find a solution to this problem, because he has sufficiently irritated the townsfolk that they sent us to kill him. He responds that his plan has worked. He’s hungry, because the Roc keeps kill-stealing from him. He threw the snowballs down the mountain in an attempt to get the townsfolk irritated enough to send food up to him, and here we are!

Horus says that there might be a better solution. What if we could get the townsfolk to send food up to the Yeti? After a very fine Persuasion roll by Horus (but he’s no Rusty), the Yeti agrees, but we only have one day to get food up here or he’ll be mad. The party readily agrees, except for Cletus who begrudgingly agrees. Our placid farmer is getting more murderhobo traits as he matures (“I prefer unhoused sociopath!”).

We leave the cave to head down the mountain.

Cletus gets his wish

As we exit the cave, there’s another surprise attack, this time on Louie (seriously, what is the point of this stupid helm?). He is bitten from behind, which forced him to make a CON save, which he succeeded at. It’s a werewolf!

Initiative! Horus 29, Rusty 25, Cletus 23, Raymond 21, Werewolf 16, Louie 15.

Horus and Rusty beat on it a bit. Cletus does the team play, and after hitting it once, uses his second action to grapple the werewolf, then shove it so it falls. He falls with it and holds on. Nice! Now it can’t move, and all melee attacks against it have advantage because it is prone! Raymond stabs it with Selune’s silver longsword. Louie then beats it to death with his silvered mace. These trusty silvered weapons that we have accumulated over the years are really starting to return on their investment!

Cletus loots the body. He had a note:

This stupid little sonofabitch was spying on us for TFMF! Well, he just sealed his fate. We feed him to the Yeti. The Yeti extends our deadline for delivering more food to 1 1/2 days.

We’ll be coming round the mountain when weeeeeeeeeeeee!

The Yeti, despite being able to talk to Horus (and Rusty) decides vague sign language is the most fun, and pulls a tree out of the ground for each of us. The party is confused as to how to use them, and Cletus is first to have a go as he jumps aboard his and uses it as a sled, relying on his land vehicle driving skill to save him. It does, because he rolled quite well, and the Yeti watches him disappear at high velocity with astonishment. The rest of the party concludes that this was not the way the Yeti intended us to use the trees.

There is a brief period where we attempt to extract useful information from the Yeti again, and he pantomimes using the trees as umbrellas to protect from snowfall. This doesn’t help.

Louie decides that his ride animals skill should work for this, as long as he is riding Raymond and Raymond is riding the log. Before anyone can point out the logical flaws in this line of reasoning, Louie and Raymond are off the cliff, Raymond hanging on to his tree with his tongue. It becomes apparent to Louie and Raymond (but not the rest of us) that these trees operate as a mechanical Feather Fall spell, and Raymond and Louie drift downwards.

Rusty decides to rely on himself. He gets Horus to climb up in a piggy back, and Gary clings to Horus’ leg. Rusty then takes a running jump off the cliff, knowing that his flying boots will allow him to safely land.

Ethan attempts to entrap Rusty by asking if he’s flying all the way down, and Rusty responds with “Well, I’m falling most of the way - just flying for the last bit.”

At this point Cletus is more than half way down the mountain and did not even attempt to stop at the Roc.

Note the order of things: Louie and Raymond jumped, and immediately started Feather Falling. Rusty jumped, and started falling, intending to activate thrusters just in time to prevent splatting at the Roc. Horus and Gary jumped off Rusty, intending to use Feather Fall just before they land. So Rusty and Horus should have arrived close together, and then had to wait a significant time for Louie and Raymond to catch up. Instead, Louie, Raymond, Gary and Horus all arrive at the same time, and have to wait a significant time for Rusty to catch up. Physics is hard, I get it.

So they all stand there looking embarrassed and awkward, because Rusty is the one that knows the Roc. Once he arrives, he explains the plan to the Roc - the villagers will put out 2 piles of food, the Roc gets to eat one for free, if it takes the other pile up to the top of the mountain to give to the Yeti. The Roc agrees, but warns that if the food isn’t there, it’s going to take a dump on the town. Rusty is of the opinion that this would not materially affect the town’s sanitation levels.

Back to Cleeeetuuuuussss!

At about this time, Cletus is approaching the walls of the town at terminal velocity. Cletus stands atop his log, waves to the crowd, runs along it from front to back, does a front flip, round off, back flip, second back flip, and presses up into the air doing a two and a half turn back somersault with half twist which brings him back around to face the front at precisely the right moment to catch a horizontal branch sticking out from a passing tree. He catches the branch, does a triple giant circle and releases to a double layout, and sticks the landing. He then looks around for the judges to bow to, but there’s nobody there except a big hulking guy in front of the city walls.

A big hulking guy who is right in the path of Cletus’ still racing log, which is looking more like a battering ram with every passing moment. Instead of leaping out of the way like a sane person, the guy holds up one hand and catches the log like f*cking Hela with Mjolnir. Then he gives Cletus a disgusted look and walks away. A bit harsh, I thought.

The rest of the party takes 3 hours to walk down the mountain from the Roc’s nest, and by the time we get there Cletus has managed to convince the supervisor that not only were we able to talk to a Roc and a Yeti, but that we got them to agree to our crazy plan. For some reason the supervisor thought it a good idea during this discussion to threaten to shoot his own dog, which is a debating tactic not seen since the early 1980s when Kristi Noem lost the inter-scholastic finals for her team and was simultaneously banned from all further competition.

Ivan is in incredible pain

We return to the inn, where we meet a few more violators of the Law of Conservation of Detail, and ignore them utterly. We do catch up with Hans, who is supposed to be selling his goods today, and finalizing our guard contract with him. He does sell his goods, to a highly shady character named Ivan Dragonoff. Once our business with Hans is done, he recommends us to Ivan, and says Ivan should hire us for his next monster hunt. Hans! I thought we were friends!

Anyway, the party agrees to go monster hunting with Ivan, and we immediately board the train (Ivan has an extra special rail Opal card) and return to Ludendorf - briefly - then, when the tide is right, continue on to Hope’s Heart on the Isle of Agony.

At the railway station, we are greeted by Malar Daragar. Rusty’s ears perk up, that name seems familiar, but he can’t place it. Louie can, though. Despite Louie’s thoroughly aroused suspicions, Malar seem very nice, though he doesn’t seem to like Ivan. He takes us to a local inn, called the House of Selune. On the way, we notice that the locals have scarred hands and wear silver medallions. Their houses are reinforced, and their gardens are full of wolfsbane. They also drink a lot of wolfsbane tea, to Horus’ horror. He knows that wolfsbane is toxic to all mammals, not just wolves and werewolves. He obviously doesn’t know the wolfsbane potion recipe - but Rusty does.

We arrive at the inn, and the innkeeper is a lovely lady by the name of Alara Moonwhisper. Unprompted, she brings us stew and ale. Malar excuses himself to have a private chat with Ivan.

The end, but there is a vision

A young boy, Adam, and his sister Ava are playing. Ava says that their parents don’t have to love Adam as much as her, as he isn’t their real child. Enraged, Adam tries to get her to retract her statement by dangling her out the window. Their mother enters and screams, startling Adam into dropping Ava. Adam, not knowing what to do, figures an appropriate response would be to beat the living crap out of his mother. His father rushes in to find his wife bleeding on the floor, and just in time to witness Adam leaping from the window himself.

And this is why nobody likes orphans.

Horus is a slimy bastard.

Horus relives his death, and after an indeterminate period of blackness, awakens in a realm of slimes and oozes. As he gathers his wits, he becomes aware of the largest slime of them all - Jubilex - looking down on him.

“I’ve been contemplating your encounter with Nolzur”, he mumbles in his incomprehensible voice. He goes on to mumble something incoherent about how the paints actually alter reality. They don’t create illusions, they don’t create portals of perform teleportation. They are pure creation.

Horus is confused. “Am I dead?”

“Yes”. Jubilex doesn’t even have eyes, but they rolled pretty hard.

“Will I be able to come back from this? I won’t be able to paint you anything as I am.”

OK, Jubilex hadn’t thought of that. “Hmmm. That is an issue. You stay in the back seat - I’ll drive for a while”.

Back in the real world.

Horus’ body walks up to the miners, and his slimy, leaking body says something along the lines of “How do you do, fellow mortals?”

The miners leader, Leopold, insist on coming back to Neufurchtenburg with us to meet with the Doctor. As he talks to us, another figure comes running up - that f*cking sniper! “Did we get the payment?”

Cletus immediately disarms him, and accidentally shoots Rusty in the process. What Cletus now has is a +2 Silenced Rifle (600/2400) which does 3d12 damage and has three properties: Silent (it makes no noise), Sentry (advantage to hide) and advantage to hit if you fire while prone. It has the disadvantage that it does not work underwater.

Seriously, how does Dr Yitthalx even know we’re here?

It’s almost been 48 hours since we entered the realm, and as we walk through a snowstorm, a figure emerges from the haze. It looks exactly like a Mind Flayer in a cloak. So we shot him. Not much effect, and Rusty was suspicious that the DM insisted - before the to hit roll was revealed - that the shot hits the figure in the shoulder. Ok, we’ll take the obvious trap bait. The merchant, miners and Slorus did not, though.

The figure turns, and it is actually a Lamordian (human) with a living octopus grafted to its face. It monologues “I don’t know how you found me…” - Honestly, we zoned out at that point. Rusty grabbed the back of Louie’s armour and prepared Misty Step.

The figure dramatically throws open its cloak to reveal (“I misty step 30’ backwards”) 8 grenades which are hissing, hissing … and explode! Before your misty step, hahaha.

Fair enough. Louie, Raymond, Rusty and Cletus all take 8 x 3d12 damage (I think it was 3d12 - if it was, Ethan was rolling statistically high). We all DEX save 8 times for full or half. Ethan was under the impression that lots of the party had evasion, but forgot that Dennis and The Captain aren’t here. Anyway, Louie failed once and saved 7 times. Raymond (who does have evasion) failed 3 times and saved the rest. Rusty saved 4 and failed 4, but has resistance to non-magical damage which is turning out to be worth its weight in gold in Lamordia. Cletus saved 8 from 8, with 2 critical saves which meant he took no damage for those hits. Final damage was Rusty 78, Cletus 79, Louie 114 and Raymond 41.

That fucking mind flayer(from here on referred to as TFMF)’s minion is nothing more than a small crater. The party are lightly smoking, and wondering if a brief nap is warranted. In the end, we decided not, though Rusty did use 4 charges of his healing kit on himself. Cletus, the tank, wasn’t even down to 100hp.

Meanwhile, Slorus took the opportunity to isolate one of the miners to paint a window on his chest, so now you can see through him.

Ahead to Neufurchtenburg

We move on - we see a bunch of freaky deer. The miners don’t seem alarmed, and they don’t bother us, so we continue. Further ahead we see a body, half embedded in radioactive ice and crystals, lightly twitching. Beside it is a sign “Tourette Elaine Abel. Died 789, a victim of progress.” Cletus rolls magnificently on his medicine check, and can tell that the person died as a result of the crystal growths. He also notes that Tourette’s brain has been removed, post-mortem, by a Mind Flayer. Leopold informs us that because of the toxic nature of the cause of death, it is not required of a citizen to return the body for flesh rights.

As we approach the walls of Neufurchtenburg, we see a town guard described in such intricate detail that by the Law of Conservation of Detail, he should have been a primary character. In blatant violation of this rule, he demands payment to enter the town and vanishes from the plot.

Most of the miners pay - one exception argues the point, and was still there when we left. Rusty convinces Hans that since the party is under his employ, he should pay our entry fee. While this was going on, Slorus saunters blithely into town without paying and the guard thinks better of forcing the issue.

Neufurchtenburg turns out to be a shithole too. Nice steampunk vibe, but with cyberpunk dystopian overtones. Pity they couldn’t apply some of that genius to city planning and public sanitation.

On our way to the hospital - where the currently ambulant Sloris will apparently be resurrected - we see a group of workers (miners - it’s always miners) stagger past, and one collapses in the street in front of us. Louie, the softie, stops to lay on hands, and helps the miner to the hospital.

As we arrive at the hospital, we find Slorus, looking inordinately pleased with himself, and covered in paint. Though Ethan denied us any chance to locate the portal to Jubilexes prison which obviously exists nearby, he glossed over the fact that coating himself with Marvelous Pigment as he has should have transformed Slorus into a puddle of goo. Seriously, those paints are highly toxic on a reality level - get it smeared on yourself, you should at a minimum lose the affected limb. We gloss over this plot development railway junction and head into the hospital. (Of course, the real portal is actually going to be Horus’ body. We already know you can paint a window on a body without adversely affecting the persons health. The apparent hideous smearing of paint on Horus is, in fact, a faithful representation of Jubilexes prison of different slimes.)

We enter the hospital where an Autognome attendant is mopping blood, while a plaintive voice in the background pleads with a Doctor to not amputate his leg. His cries are not met with sympathy, but with a calm, reasoned explanation as to why it needs to be removed, or he will die. This is the kind of bedside manner Rusty can get behind. Another Autognome approaches Louie and whisks his miner away for treatment. In an interesting side-note, it appears that Autognomes are immune to poison.

Treating Slorus

Leopold negotiates with Dr Mordenheim (who is just Charles Dance acting like Charles Dance) to treat Slorus. Dr Mordenheim is initially confused, and requires clarification that Leopold really does wish to transfer his advanced care rights to Slorus, and that Slorus - who is waiting attentively and patiently, wearing a wide grin - really is dead, and really does require treatment. Once his questions are satisfactorily answered, he explains that his process takes 1-2 hours, and there shall be no spectators. I think Ethan expected some argument from the party but we don’t care that much. Slorus waves goodbye and collapses dead to the floor. Dr Mordenheim has his Autognome attendants take the body away.

The party spends 2 hours waiting outside the hospital. During that time Minion searches fruitlessly for the portal we know Slorus made, but cannot find it (it’s inside!). He also checks out the local noticeboard for jobs. Meanwhile, the party listens to the idle gossip of passing citizens. They learn:

1. Kraut (whoever that is) apparently saw a creature near the refinery with no face, but still somehow able to scream.
2. Baron Rudolf hasn’t been seen by anyone for years. The rumour mill suspects he is either dead or horribly disfigured, and never leaves his tower. There is something in the East Tower that issues orders.
3. Some random persons sister disappeared several years ago, and was never found. But they saw her a few days ago. It was her body, her face - but her accent and mannerisms were different, and she didn’t recognise them. They don’t know who it was, but it wasn’t their sister.
4. There is a Monastery on the Isle of Agony, where the Flesh Golems go to meditate. The racist locals think this would be creepy, for some reason.

The return of Horus

Finally, Jim gets to play. Horus awakens in dim lighting to find himself lying on - and strapped to - an operating table. Watching him is Dr M. Horus feels literally like death warmed up. His eyes are dry, his limbs spasm. Initial attempts to speak cause his jaw to click unnaturally.

Dr M. performs a neurological assessment, then tests gross motor control. There is some concern when Horus’ motor control appears to be flipped, by Dr M does something and sets that right. During this process, Horus gets a glimpse of his hands, and their skin tone is mismatched, with stitches across the backs of his hands and wrists.

Eventually he is allowed to look at himself. He is a hideous monstrosity! Dr M has transferred Horus’ consciousness to a Flesh Golem. Horus gets a bunch of the abilities, and one drawback, of a flesh golem. Horus takes this remarkably calmly. This is remarkable for two reasons: firstly, because it is an objectively horrifying thing to happen, but more importantly, he’s Horus. He gets worked up if the lengths of his shoelace tails don’t match. He has an extended discussion with Dr M, and makes a friend in the process. Dr M extends to him advanced care rights in his own right for the future, and offers to make any modifications Horus wants while he is here - like his anxiety issue that Dr M noticed in his blood work. Horus asks to get his anxiety problem fixed, and Dr M does in in a jiffy. Horus is now also immune to fear, I think.

Outside, the party awaits Horus’ return. Rusty has been keeping track as Horus’ mind incrementally resurfaced. It was a bit staticky, a bit hit and miss - Rusty rationalized this as interference from the hospital walls. (Rusty wouldn’t have done that - he would have tested it. Did he have trouble keeping track of Dr M? Of other people in the hospital? No. Rusty thought there was something weird about the resurrection process all along). Rusty is busy inspecting the mechanism being used to monitor and moderate the flow of saline in an intravenous drip when he senses Dr M and Horus enter the room. He speaks as he turns around. “Horus! How are WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?”

The rest of the party, who had not yet realized the Flesh Golem was Horus, figure it out from Rusty’s reaction. Horus starts to explain, and Rusty interjects again with “Why does your voice sound the same? That makes no sense!” Horus starts, again, to calmly explain, which triggers a second realization in Rusty. He peers closely at Horus, and says “You’re Horus, but you’re not all Horus. There’s something missing.” He turns to Dr M and asks “Did you take something out?”

Dr M insists that he cannot comment on another patient’s care, which Rusty firmly agrees with. Horus reveals, though, that Dr M - with his express permission - removed a part of his brain, curing him of his anxiety disorder. Rusty is fascinated, and guesses that it would be a part of the amygdala. With Horus’ approval Dr M says that he did work on the amygdala in the resurrection process, but that wasn’t the area he worked on to cure Horus of his anxiety - it was “the top part”. We all realized that we had pushed Ethan’s ability to ad lib medical procedures as far as it was going to go and moved on to different topics.

Dr M lauds Horus’ impressive adaptation to his changed situation, and advises the rest of the party to get advanced medical care rights as soon as they can. He also says that he will write writs for the party, if they do something for him. There was, apparently, another traveller that came to Lamordia who referred to himself only as “The Alchemist”. Rusty takes a wild swing and described Papa Ricky to Dr M, but it wasn’t him. The Alchemist came from Mordentshire, and while here, produced research on the different effects on science and magic that applies in different realms. Dr M would dearly love to peruse this research, but unfortunately has been banned from Lamordia University for reasons best not gone into. If we can acquire The Alchemists research for Dr M, he would be very grateful.

TFMF

It also transpired that TFMF has been through here before us, and while Dr M respected his insights, he doesn’t like the guy. TFMF was apparently disparaging of Dr M’s methods, which Rusty was appalled at, and he should know. As the Architect of most of the stuff TFMF used for his research, Rusty is keenly aware of the different constraints Lamordians work under and is deeply impressed with Dr M’s work. He tells Dr M this. When Dr M reveals that TFMF also had two “flying jellyfish” with him, Rusty reveals his own species and explains some of the things TFMF was able to do. It was nothing special about TFMF - he had just enslaved two Flumphs, and was forcing them to use their perfectly natural psychic abilities.

Cletus should not be left unsupervised

We depart the hospital, and swing by the noticeboard on our way to Heinrich’s house (he’s the father we have to return the corpse to). Heinrich is understandably distraught, but he pays us 30 Lamode and gives us a writ before passing on to us a letter that was left for Heinrich Junior. It is encoded, which instantly nerd-snipes Louie and Rusty. Horus convinces Heinrich not to do anything rash, and we decide we need to find Greta.

The party heads out and purchases advanced medical care for Cletus. He’s either afraid of mortality, or wants a cool new body like Horus. After leaving the registry, the party is accosted by some rando on the street, asserting without evidence that the sword that is currently inside Raymond’s mouth belongs to his dead son, and that the party are grave robbers. Despite the patent absurdity of this unfounded accusation, Ethan spends a considerable amount of time trying to get Cletus to understand that, without owning legal rights, we have no right to refute the accusations and stand convicted.

To be fair, Cletus had a point here. The exact wording of right #10 is “Legal Consultation Services - Access to city-approved legal advisors for navigating Lamordia’s complex regulations.” This says absolutely nothing about having no right to natural justice, nor does it imply that we are unable to speak in our own defence - it merely says we cannot access city approved legal advisors. Ethan, however, was unmoved by any appeal to his sense of justice, his emotions, or logic.

The punishment was twofold. First, we had to return the sword that Rando McDickface claims is his. That is some righteous bullshit - that sword should enter the custodial system. Just because the law says we have no right to it, it doesn’t say McDickface has any rights to it. Whatever. Second, the party has to do some community service - clear out some weird noises from the local mine. Fucking miners again! It’s like none of them are capable of solving their own problems!

So, Raymond begrudgingly hands over the sword, and the rest of the party is resigned to doing some work for free. Not Cletus. He tries, burning 10 inspiration, to steal the sword back - and fails spectacularly. For some reason, Ethan interprets burning 10 inspiration on one attempt as burning one inspiration each time on 10 attempts - not sure what’s going on with Ethan, his brain is not working right. In any case, the party gets further community service, but it wasn’t recorded exactly what it was, because our note taker was still working on decoding the letter. If Louie or Rusty had been paying attention, we may not have got into this mess.

The letter

We decoded the letter, though:

Heinrich,

I doh's imo esp sices but I had to leave. I found something ... something terrible. The ore they've been extracting 
here isn't what they claimed.  It's plutonium. That's why people are getting sick.  The radiation ... it's not an 
accident.  They knew.  They've been covering it up.

I saw the reports, the hidden logs. The comapny's been lying to everyone. The sickness, the deaths, it's all because 
of this.  I couldn't stay.  If they find out that I know, I'm afraid of what they'll do.

You need to be careful.  Don't trust anyone in charge. If you can, get the truth out.  People deserve to know.  I am 
hidden in the abandoned Pulastein Mine. Come find me when you are ready.

Stay Safe,

Greta.

It was a shift 7 Caesar cipher, but Ethan messed up the first few words. So now we know where to look for Greta.

To the mines!

The party heads to the mines, where our first bout of community is to be served. We enter the mines - we can hear the noises the miners were afraid of, which basically sound like the last of the bathwater running out of the tub. Probably spooked them because, as miners, they’ve never had a bath.

The party wanders blithely in, and the person at the back of the marching order - Cletus - is surprise attacked by 3 Miner Tomb Trappers. Let’s leave aside for now that Rusty cannot be surprised - Ethan just wanted to get back at Cletus for his bullshittery.

Cletus tanks the surprise round with his insane AC and equally insane HP. The party enters combat, and while we do manage to kill one of them before the end of session, they also have a petrification effect that differs from most in D&D 5e. Normally, once you save from a petrification effect, you are immune to it for 24 hours. In this case, however, you still have to save against further applications of the effect, and with disadvantage. In addition, it is not clear how the effect is applied. It seems to be after you attack them, but the second time it was applied to Rusty, he had been very careful to specify that he was using his reach weapon and never got closer than 10 feet away. It doesn’t get applied on the Trappers turn though, so it is a reaction, not an attack they make.

Anyway, we had to finish part way through the third round of combat, and Louie goes next, followed by the Tomb Trappers.

Sinister postscript

Somehow the party knows that a hulking figure is lurking outside Dr M’s hospital. He watches the good Doctor, enraged that he is happy, and for some reason angry at us?

The end.

Flashback

The party - sans Horus - are in Mordent. The date is some weeks in the past, prior to us departing for Lamordia, but after we sent the thieving Muharans back to their Gods-forsaken land.

Louie, as he normally does in his downtime, is having a nap. He dreams of a moonlight drenched land, filled with werewolves and Selunes. Louie latches onto a Selune, and she takes him to Lazarette Rock, where shit is going down. “The children cry for salvation, but time grows short. Niynjushigampo grows stronger with each passing night.”

Rather than thinking this dream is a result of eating too much before bed as a normal person would, Louie assumes this is a personal quest for him from a God. Main character syndrome, much? Anyway, he rushes to gather as many helpers as he can, starting with Rusty. The Captain overhears, and so now he needs to be filled in on Louie’s hallucination. As it is being explained to him, Uncle Ricky wanders past, and now we have to explain it again. Uncle Ricky is feeling credulous today, and tells Louie that the dream was real. Yeah - a real dream. Uncle Ricky says that the merging domains are allowing Gods to sneak back into the domains. Across Mordentshire, at least 63 children have been killed by their parents in the last few weeks. All the parents claim to have been ordered to kill their children by their gods. Uncle Ricky dispatched Mizzium to Lazarette Rock 3 weeks ago, but hasn’t heard back.

During this epic exposition, Cletus wandered past, but didn’t much care about the backstory, so we didn’t have to start all over again. Thanks, Cletus!

Lazarette Rock

The Captain sails us to Lazarette Rock. It is eerily quiet. The population is decimated and downcast. There are no children to be seen. Further into the town we can see an erratic blue light - it is the only splash of colour visible. We head in to investigate.

As we walk through town, we see a man, distraught, digging in the dirt with his bare hands and crying “Why did she do this?” As we pass, he groans as he uncovers a child’s body in the earth.

We round a corner to see Mizzium, interviewing a woman. She is fixated on repairing a fishing net - she ties and reties the knots until her fingers bleed. It is obviously the Summer of 69. She tells a story of how her dead husband visited her in her dreams, telling her to kill their daughter so she could “join the Eternal Catch”. Cletus recognises the phrase. It is an afterlife that fishermen believe in. Mizzium has spent the last 3 weeks taking reports from parents who have killed their kiddies. While we catch up with him, we hear a voice saying “William! No! Don’t do it!”

The party turns to run that way, but a woman quietly tells Mizzium she did something. Louie and Rusty run in William’s direction, while Cletus and Mizzium head towards the lake that the (dripping wet) woman came from.

As Rusty and Louie race toward the harbour, a noise can be heard from deeper in the village. Louie changes direction to head toward that noise, correctly assuming that if Rusty can’t handle the problem at the harbour, there’s nothing he will be able to do.

Rusty saves that day

Rusty can see a townsman attempting to drown his daughter in the harbour - they are about 100 feet away. Rusty uses his bonus action to Misty Step 60’ toward them, and then does a full move to within 10’. He then casts Levitate on the child, preventing the father from pushing her head under the water. He keeps trying, though, so Rusty grows to Dreadnaught size, giving him reach to grab the father by the scruff of the neck and pick him up. The father attempts to throw his daughter into the water, but all that does is make him lose his grip on her, and she floats gently upward under Levitation. Rusty holds the father under one arm, and tows the daughter like a party balloon back to the shore.

Once he reaches the shore, Rusty sets the father down, and he immediately starts hitting Rusty, and jumping up to try and grab his daughter so he can have another go at drowning her. Recognising the clinical signs of hysteria, and having read all the latest literature on ways to treat sufferers, Rusty immediately performs the indicated remedy, and slaps the shit out of the father telling him the snap out of it! Rusty knows his shit - this works. Having calmed down, though, he is insistent that his daughter be returned to his custody. Fully aware that a person who has shown a vulnerability to external interference is susceptible to relapse, Rusty is hesitant to release the girl to her father’s custody without supervision. He certainly doesn’t want to stay here and supervise, so he looks around for a responsible adult. Literally the best he can find is the guy we saw earlier digging his dead daughter out of the ground. At least he didn’t kill her - his wife did. Rusty trusts him to look after the child.

Cletus saves the day

Cletus and Mizzium make it to the lake, and see a rowboat some 80’ out with bubbles still coming up next to it. They also notice that on the mountain above stands a hooded figure, watching the scene unfold. Cletus does an epic long jump into the water and swims down where he finds a young boy in the process of drowning. This is a god damn fishing village! Why don’t the children know how to swim? Cletus grabs the kid and swims to the surface, and starts to push him into the boat. The mysterious hooded figure on the mountain casts a spell, and a whirlwind picks up around the boat - then he dramatically flicks his cloak, and disappears behind a rock.

Rusty gets a weird feeling that someone, somewhere, is violating his copyright on an improved cloak of billowing.

Cletus saves against the whirlwind, but the kid doesn’t and he starts to rise into the air. Cletus leaps out of the boat, allowing the whirlwind to lift him into the air, so that he can use his body to protect the child from damage.

Cletus is wondering what to do about the whirlwind. Dan hasn’t played Cletus in a while, so he looks through his equipment and to his (and everyone else’s) astonishment, finds he owns, and is proficient with, a boomerang. Still hitting some guy behind a rock that he can’t see while flying through the air in a whirlwind is a big ask. He throws once - miss. He throws twice - miss. Crap!

Oh, right - he’s a high level fighter! He gets three attacks a round! The throws thrice - critical hit! Clonk! The whirlwind ends as the cloaked figure loses concentration. Cletus and the child fall to earth - but Mizzium is there with a handy feather fall, and the child is saved!

Louie and Raymond save the day - with an assist

Louie and Raymond have the furthest to travel, but by combining dash with frog leap, they get there in 2 rounds. They see a number of villages remonstrating with a guy who is throwing them around with unnatural strength. He hurls one of them right across the street and through a window. He is holding a baby in one arm, and attempting to skewer it with a red hot poker. He is babbling something about having to kill the child for Pelor. Pretty sure this idiot knows fuck all about Pelor. That sounds nothing like anything he would do.

“Freeze, muthafucka!” Louie wraps a cloak around his hand and grabs the child, and wrestles the poker from the villagers grip. He then tosses it into a well. The remaining villagers continue to wrestle with the man, while Louie goes into the house to see if the projectile villager is OK.

He’s not OK. His throat has been slashed, apparently by a really unlucky fall through the glass window. Louie whips out a quick Revivify and Lay on Hands to bring the guy back to life. He comes to screaming “Why did that hooded figure cut my throat?” Suspicious.

On a serendipitous note, Louie layed on hands for 5 HP, for which he gets a free cure disease - and cured the cancer that we didn’t even know the guy had.

Protecting the village from itself

The party regathers, and Rusty starts to put forward a plan to get the townsfolk to congregate in one area so they, and the party, can keep an eye on each other to forestall further nefarious behaviour. He has barely started before it becomes obvious that the townsfolk are against this idea. Mizzium reveals that this was the first thing he tried, but the townsfolk absolutely would not cooperate.

Cletus realizes this is a lost cause, and instead tells the gathered townsfolk that he’s going to have a big cook-up, with barbecued meats and drink for all. Sneaky little fucker. His plan is a success, and we get the town to congregate in the square for the night.

While the party is going on, Rusty wanders over to the town hall and looks in the tower. Inside the tower, hidden from view, he releases Wit, and sends him up to the top of the tower. His job is to stay hidden, with just an eyestalk or two watching the townsfolk. He is also to keep the party in comms with his telepathic hub, and to quietly scan the surface thoughts of the townsfolk to see if he can catch any insanity before anyone acts on it.

We ask around the trustworthy townsfolk, to see if anyone is missing. Someone is missing.

Several someones, as it turns out. Ted, Fred and Led, and their mother Debby, are not here. Elaina Thornwick and her baby are missing. Jacob Reefwalker the fisherman and his son are missing. Borkin and his child are not here. Borkin has apparently been seen walking out with Elaina. Derek the merchant is not here, but he has no children. Lastly, Sister Morrowin of Illwater is not here.

Debby’s house

Leaving Mizzium and Wit to watch the townsfolk, the party heads out. The first stop is Debby’s house. When we reach it, it radiates a chill. Rusty sends Minion to look around the back, where he finds an outhouse. Peeking through the vent (yes, Ethan, outhouses have vents) Minion sees the three children. He hears the oldest one telling the others that “Mummy isn’t feeling well, so we’ll just stay here until she feels better”.

The party enters the house. Cletus heads upstairs. Something had a go at him, but sorry, Ethan, 28 isn’t good enough to hit Cletus. Cletus doesn’t even notice. Rusty checks the front room. His passive perception is good enough to notice that something is up. He makes an active perception roll, which is amazing, and spots a human shaped silhouette coming straight at him and trying to hit him. Sorry, Ethan, a 27 isn’t good enough to hit Rusty, either. Rusty immediately loses sight of the shade, but responds by casting Faerie Fire across the room. He outlines something that looks suspiciously like a Shadow (those lessons with Uncle Ricky really pay off). Rusty hits it with his flail and absolutely massacres it with one hit.

Upstairs Cletus finds Debby’s body. She has been dead for a couple of days. This is obviously tragic, but Rusty is a bit relieved he hasn’t just murdered a mother. Debby’s throat has been slashed, the blood is dried, there is dust on her neck, and a symbol has been carved into her chest. (It’s a holy symbol of Bhaal).

Cletus takes the children to the town square where Mizzium and the townsfolk can watch over them. The rest of the party head to Borkin’s house. Cletus catches up on the way there.

Borkin’s house

A soft glow is coming from Borkin’s house. Minion, scouting ahead, hears a soft voice calling “Dad?” Cletus knocks on the door, setting off a pretty well made crossbow trap. Sorry Ethan, you’re just not going to hit his armour class, OK? Cletus enters to find a young boy sitting in the corner on top of a trap door, eyes hollow. “I don’t want to go to sleep. When Papa dreams, he turns scary.”

Rusty and Louie open the trap door, and a voice cries out “Darius! I told you to stay upstairs! Every night, Niynjushigampo calls to me!” It’s the father, Borkin. He’s apparently mentally strong enough to recognise that the voices in his head are an external influence, and he’s been fighting them, the best he can. We ask him how long the voices have called to him. He says “Ever since the mists thinned, I could hear them.” Rusty asks him if he can hear the voices now. His eyes roll back in his head, and his voice changes. An eldritch voice croaks: “You search for meaning in madness. I give clarity of purpose. You cannot cleanse Lazarette Rock - it’s stones remember every scream.” Then Borkin regains awareness. So that answers Rusty’s question.

Louie doesn’t sense anything with Divine Sense, but he does sense a curse on Borkin. Rusty casts Protection from Good & Evil on Borkin, and the influence on him appears to be banished.

Lore dump

Niynjushigampo, we recall, is an alias for the dark god Bhaal. During the time of troubles, Cyric managed to slay Bhaal, but Bhaal had put in place plans of his own. He had sired countless children across the Multiverse, and their purpose is to converge at some future point and resurrect Bhaal.

Elaina’s house

Cletus takes Borkin and his kid back to the cookout. The party moves on to Elaina’s house. She is sitting on her front porch in a rocking chair, rocking her baby in her arms. She speaks to her child: “Hush, now. Hush. The night carries away voices - we can drown them out with song. The hands. It’s in my hands. When I hold my needles, they shake - not from weakness, but in anger. I fear I might hurt someone.”

Rusty asks her if she would like to rest. She says yes - Rusty casts Catnap on her, putting her unconscious for 10 minutes. We retrieve her child from her arms, but it is already dead - stabbed through the top of the head with a knitting needle. As we store the body for later resurrection (it is dead too long for Revivify, but we did Gentle Repose it), we hear a Bang! from next door. Raymond takes the sleeping Elaina to the town square.

It’s probably Derek.

Next door, we find a building that is obviously a shop. There is a counter in the front room, and behind it we find a body. Gentle Repose and store, this is getting routine. A cat is seen going upstairs.

We scan the room for clues:

1. There are blood spatters on the counter - the person was attacked from the front.
2. It was not a robbery - nothing has been obviously taken or disturbed.
3. There are smears in the blood, as if someone was trying to finger paint something.
4. The front door was open - there has been no forced entry.
5. There are bloody fingerprints toward the rear of the house - the killer left by the back door.
6. There is a faint herbal scent - medicinal or ritualistic.
7. There is candle wax dripped near the body on the floor. It matches the candles in the shop.
8. There are defensive wounds.

We hear a voice from the back yard. “Are you OK in there, Derek?” So it is Derek.

Outside we see Masha. She was on the way home from the cookout, and she heard chanting coming from Derek’s shop before the Bang. She saw someone jump the back fence, and points us in the direction they went. Rusty, Cletus and Louie head that way while Minion ducks upstairs to check on the cat.

Derek’s fucking cat.

Minion hears a voice say “The greater good demands sacrifice. Would your god spare you from darkness if you did not obey?”

Minion answers: “Yes, because he isn’t a sociopathic asshat”.

The voice responds “Your gods have brought whispered words of comfort. Mine demands blood.”

Minion asks “What part of sociopathic asshat didn’t you understand?”

The cat attacks Minion for 10HP damage. Minion flees. Ethan latches on to the oversight of not saying “Disengage”, and attacks Minion for another 11HP, which drops him. At some later point, when Ethan finds out that Homunculi drop their heart (a gem) when they die, he retcons that the cat eats Minion’s heart.

At the cliffs

Rusty senses Minions demise - they’ve been in a telepathic hub the whole time with Wit, after all. He pulls out another heart (he argues that he has 3 homonculi, why wouldn’t he have made a couple of backups?) and activates Tag. They also spot a hooded figure walking into a cave by the water. Rusty casts Arcane Eye and sends it ahead - Rusty, Louie and Cletus head into the cave.

It’s really late and Dan is asleep already.

For next week - we know that there is at least one acolyte of Bhaal in the cave, but there’s probably more. Whirlwind is a 7th level Druid/Wizard spell, so at least one of them should be 13th level unless Ethan is playing fast and loose with the rules. Actually, never mind - the odds that he isn’t is vanishingly small. In any case, we’re killing them all, and with any luck there will be a child of Bhaal for us to 1) kill and 2) catch the soul of to power some contraption for Rusty. No way we’re allowing that to go back to daddy.

A night of hard labour

The party departs the crime scene and heads to the tavern, where we are offered (somewhat begrudgingly) free food a lodging for the evening. While eating, Louie suddenly discovers that his portable hole is now a large backpack, bursting at the seams and straining his muscles to lift. And it has been for the last 8 hours. Louie has very poor situational awareness.

Louie empties the pack out to redistribute his equipment, and finds at the bottom the clockwork beholder eyestalks from way back on the Cyre 1313 in session 2 on the 9th of July, 2023. Another patron at the bar spies them and makes a beeline for our table. Dr Amelia trades a familiar raising device for the eyestalks, after straight up murdering Gary. She also says she would be happy to trade with us for any other contraptions we find, especially Cadaver Collectors. That isn’t foreshadowing at all.

We are also informed that a Professor Conrad Eisenhut would like to hire us to deliver a poison to Whales End. In return, we would receive permission to attend the University.

The party retires to sleep, except for Rusty who claims he can sleep while walking tomorrow, and starts to fiddle about making a St Elmo’s Fire generator. The barkeep tells him to take it into the workroom, and then shows him where the workroom is. Rusty successfully finishes his device which will allow him to cast Green-Flame Blade, except that it will do electrical damage. Cletus hung about to watch this, and then asks Rusty to make a mini-flamethrower, to allow Horus to cast Firebolt. This opens the flood gates and what was going to be a quick crafting session before bed turned into an all-nighter. Rusty created 5 more gizmos that night, to allow the casting of:

• Shocking Grasp
• Chill Touch
• Eldritch blast
• Spare the dying
• An attachment to allow the activation of the defensive enchantments in Cletus’ Defender longsword.

Into the Wilds

As the sun rises over Ludendorf, the rest of the party wakes to find a semi-catatonic Rusty handing out goodies like it is Christmas morning. Rusty then hands the armour controls to Minion, and takes a nap.

The party heads out to meet Hans. Hans spots all Horus’ new gadgets and congratulates him on adapting to the local customs. Like fucking Horus did anything. Whatever.

We set out to the west, intending to follow the coast until we reach the river that goes to Lorelei falls, and following it to the mountains. Somehow this translated in Ethan’s mind to “do a straight line run directly through the Forest of Rust toward Lorelei Falls”.

Whatever, the rusty forest is full of stuff that fascinates Rusty now that he has woken up again. He gathers enough stuff to put together a 3rd level reagent pack for someone. There is a bit of discussion about who this should go to. As our primary caster, Horus is the obvious choice, but the nature of the local magic actually means he would be able to cast fewer spells than either Rusty or Louie. The is a quick retcon of the rules by Ethan to rectify the imbalance, and Horus gets the pack. He can now cast, once, every 3rd level spell that it is possible for a wizard to learn. Nice.

All Ethan’s Gods are insane.

This may reflect a deeper real-world problem.

The party enters a clearing in the forest where it finds a wild eyed man, painting on a sheet of metal. He mutters a bunch of crazy bullshit, ending with “Stay back! I saw you come out of the bark!”

Cletus says “We are of the Barkwalkers.” The crazy man says some more crazy stuff. Cletus, going with the flow, says “Roots are brown.” He then borrows some of the crazy mans paints and does a picture of Momma Cletus’ gumbo. The smell of freshly made gumbo fills the clearing, and the madman eats it.

Around about this time, Ethan informs the party that they are thoroughly lost, and have been for a while. Rusty considers sending Minion up to look around, but the mist is so thick, he wouldn’t be able to see anything that would provide us with bearings anyway. Cletus, who doesn’t think things that far through, climbs a tree. He’s well out of sight of the party when he discovers that the sky here has a roof. Written on the sky, backwards, are the words “Nolzur’s Marvellous Pigments”. Cletus reaches out to touch the sky, and falls through. He finds himself in a Good Game shop.

Louie, unable to see anything of what has happened - and not even having Rusty’s perception of Cletus’ mind suddenly being out of range - says “Uh oh, spaghettio” for no reason. Vast strands of spaghetti stream across the sky. Cletus can see them, and grabs one, swinging down it like an Italian Tarzan and rejoining the party.

Nolzur has started drawing something that looks like it will be a dinosaur, but Rusty muses that what the party really needs is a Yak. The oxen we have don’t do well in the cold. Nolzur changes the picture, and lo and behold, we have a Yak. Nolzur also says that if we can get him a flower untouched by the Rust of the forest, he will give us some of his paint. Horus, spotting the cheat code here, tells Nolzur to paint a flower untouched by Rust. He does, and Horus gives him the resulting flower. Sneaky. We get a set of Nolzur’s marvellous pigments.

Suddenly we all have to make a CON save. A nearby bush has been growing roots into our feet, apparently. Everyone saves except Horus, of course. He takes damage.

Horus is fucked.

Cletus uses some of Nolzur’s paints to paint a path out of the forest, which appears, and we stroll down it like fucking bosses. We emerge at the Lorelei falls. There we find a dead Rock Gnome. A quick search of the body shows us that he is from Neufurchtenburg, and that his flesh rights are owned by Stephan Heinrich. We pack the body up.

While we are doing that, Rusty notices that there is black goo running out of Horus’ nose. Rusty attempts to get a sample, but Horus blocks him without even being aware of what Rusty is doing. Then a blob of grey ooze drops out of Horus’ nose. Cletus and Rusty attempt to catch it, but Horus picks it up first. It spreads across his forearm, and is quickly absorbed.

Horus adamantly asserts that he is fine. Cletus accepts that he would know, and drops it. Rusty is suspicious as hell, but is told that he is hesitant to investigate further. Rusty is self-aware enough to know that being hesitant to investigate further is totally against his normal personality, and is indisputable evidence that something is fucking with his mind. He pushes back against this unnatural emotion, and feels anger being directed his way. Yeah, so what fucker. I’ve had God-Brains angry at me, you’re small potatoes. The entity responds by making Rusty vulnerable to poison. Just like that - no roll to hit, no save. This is some bullshit, and not the best way to get Rusty to back off. He presses Horus about this, but Horus is evasive, and the entity just does 66 damage to Rusty. Again, no save, no roll to hit, no indication where it came from, and no apparent way to defend from it. If this was Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, Rusty would be disbelieving illusion around now, but he’s aware that the Illusion school of magic doesn’t work that way any more.

There’s also no obvious way to hit back, particularly as Horus doesn’t want help. Rusty never liked Horus anyway. He can lie in his own bed.

Hans brews up a healing potion for Rusty, and Rusty asks for the recipe. It needs Peacebloom and Silverleaf. Silverleaf grows near frozen water - sounds like it should be a noxious weed in Lamordia.

Louie then digs a hole at the trunk of a nearby Oak tree. When asked why, he said he was digging for swords. We all looked at him like he was insane, even Rusty who understands where the brainless frog got such a notion. Against all logic and reason, it works. Louie digs up a +1 Sword of the Paruns. As we leave, we see a sign that says “Chi Chi (TM)”.

Ambush at the falls

As we enter the pass next to Lorelei falls, we immediately notice we are surrounded by miners in the cliffs and rocks that surround us. They’re not that good at hiding. They demand a specific healing tonic from us. Cletus tells them we don’t have any of that, which is true. They then demand all our money so they can buy some. Cletus tells them we don’t have any money either, and keeps walking. One of the miners shoots a round in front of the cart. They nearly hit our Yak!

Initiative is rolled. Order went Horus/Gary, Cletus, Rusty, some of the miners, Louie/Raymond, then the rest of the miners.

Combat is underwhelming. Half-way through Rusty’s first turn, 5 of 10 of the miners are dead, and Rusty goes for some more intimidation, which works. The miners drop their weapons, and Rusty starts to interrogate them as to what their problem is, and how we can help.

During this discussion, Horus is apparently shot - twice - without making any sound at all, or any of the party noticing. For some reason, his plight is brought to our attention the instant he actually dies. Rusty is a bit pissed. He’s had it up to here with effects happening outside of anyones control, and he’s seriously considering taking his frustration out on the miners. He directs the party to drag Horus’ body - and the rest of the party - to an overhang that will protect us from the line of fire of the remaining miner. Apparently a rogue element with a sniper rifle who isn’t even on the combat map.

Rusty gets the miners to tell their compatriot to stop shooting, and whips up a potion of Gentle Repose which should allow us to preserve Horus’ body long enough to resurrect it. The slime inhabiting Horus’ corpse allows the potion to be administered, then starts walking Horus around like Bernie with Jim Henson’s arm shoved up his ass.

We head to Neufurchtenburg.

Rusty wants that fucking rifle. There is no way one of these half trained idiot miners should have been able to make that shot once, let alone twice.

Cleaning up loose ends.

First, the party heads to the farm of Cletus’ family, and finds the Cletus is alive and well, despite several members of the party having witnessed his death. Surprising, but not as surprising as finding that his Mum is at least an 11th level Bard, Cleric or Druid - because she serves us a Heroes’ Feast.

Rusty and Dennis travel back to Bluetspur to deliver several crates of Rings of Sustenance to Villy G the God-Brain. We ask him about Xal-Ityth, but he’s gone to ground and not on Villy G’s radar any more. He does give Rusty a +3 All-Purpose Tool, and he gives Dennis a real pair of Gloves of Soul Catching, which is nice.

The Captain spends some time working with his crew aboard the Dreadnaught, restoring their morale and polishing their skills. During this period, his Arc-Light Phoenix egg hatches, and he gets a new parrot!

Louie is informed that the Muharans have taken our salt factory, and keep beating up our workers if they try to go back.

Horus has a chat with Gary and finds out that - surprise! - he’s not too keen on dying. Training Montage! Given that he doesn’t like dying, we remedy that by killing him a bunch of times, until he learns a new skill. Now he has a reaction which he can use to nullify an attack. So as long as he is only attacked once per round, he’s immune to damage!

That’s my salt factory!

Muharans are occupying Louie and Rusty’s salt factory, and they won’t give it back. The party has been slightly educated as to the unwritten limits of the confrontation, and so far, nobody has been killed - just roughed up. This sounds like a job for The Captain and his crew of miscreants! They amuse themselves beating on Muharans with billy clubs, and then retreating to their ship when the Muharans rally. Turns out Muharans can’t swim. Heh. While this distraction is going on, Rusty sends Minion sneaking in to the factory, where - through Minion - Rusty casts Animate Object (his shiny new spell!) on critical parts of the factory infrastructure, which then get up and walk out. This shuts the factory down.

This does not convince the Muharans to leave, oddly. Rusty decides to do some more research in Muharan psychology and has a chat with Esmerelda, who lived in Hara’kir for some time. She informs him that the Muharan people are a theocracy, led by a high priestess. They adhere to the tenets of Mahat:

• Truth
• Balance
• Order
• Harmony
• Law
• Morality
• Justice

Armed with this new information, Rusty communicates with Aki, the leader of the Muharans, from the safety of The Dreadnaught anchored offshore, via Wit, whose telepathic network range is 600 feet. This helpfully gets around the problem that Aki apparently can’t speak Common.

There was a long discussion where it quickly became obvious that Muharan philosophy was grievously flawed and internally inconsistent. Nevertheless, an accord was reached, where the Muharans went back to Hara’kir and Rusty and Louie traded salt from the salt factory for titanium sands and medicinal herbs. Rusty is now starting to think more about large-scale titanium refining and production, but he’s going to do it where the Muharans can’t see, because those people are fools.

Side-effects of the deal is that we get about 60% of the Revallians to migrate to Hara’kir to work the mineral sands mining operation. The rest move to Candlecross, and we convince the single wax maker in Mordent to move there too, to act as an industry leader to bootstrap the wax making industry.

While we were doing this, The Captain took the Dreadnaught on a Kraken hunting expidition, which was successful. Calamari feast!

As the first payment on the deal, Rusty gets 12kg of Titanium. I don’t think Ethan is aware of how light Titanium is. 12kg doesn’t sound like much, but it’s 2.5 litres of metal. Alloyed correctly, Rusty should get 2.75 litres of Ti-6Al-4V. That’s the strongest titanium alloy, as well as being corrosion resistant, and we all know Rusty doesn’t make anything second grade.

We finish up our stay in Mordent with another feast from the arch-druid Mrs Cletus. Another Heroes Feast all around!

Sailing the Sea of Sorrows

The Captain takes us all aboard the Dreadnaught, and sets sail into the Sea of Sorrows, charting a course for Lamordia. Esmerelda, fount of weird knowledge that she is, has told us a bit about the domain. It is a place that scoffs at the superstition of Gods and Magic, and instead turns to science and logic to make sense of, and manipulate, the world.

After a few hours sailing in the Dreadnaught, the mists close in, and swirl about the ship. The water goes from fresh brine, to a thick, black, oily sludge. Shadowy tentacles emerge from the mire, grasping at the ship and pulling one sailor overboard. We pause to remember Ortego, a brave and worthy sailor who met his end too soon. Anyway.

A loud “CAW” echoes over the ocean, and we see a huge Raven, wearing a mask, emerge from the mists and circle the Dreadnaught. Three times it circumnavigates the ship, and with each pass the shadowy tentacles are pulled further back away from our trusty vessel. Upon completing the third circuit, a sense of protection falls over the ship. The Raven flies away, and the mists recede, revealing the shores of Lamoria.

Interlude of Exposition (I)

Life is cheap in Lamordia. As far as the land’s esteemed scholars are concerned, the spark that animates flesh is merely the result of chemical accidents and the proper formulas. Golems, homunculi, and other constructed beings groan to life to support a populace desperate to survive in this frigid realm. Lamordia is a frigid land of barren mountains, frozen swamps, and icy seas. Its ruler, Baron von Aubrecker, hasn’t left his estate for years, though he issues proclamations and sends agents to collect taxes.

Frozen bogs and glacial expanses surround Lamordia’s smog- and machinery-filled cities. Unpredictable blizzards plague the long winters, and the chill summers last only a few weeks.

Claiming to work for the greater food, innovators and scholars push beyond the limits of mortality. Their scalpels turn scientific pursuits into butchery, as their experiments reach beyond what is necessary for health to grasp after the secrets of existence. Flesh is Lamordia’s most abundant natural resource, exploited for both desperate purposes and vain ambitions.

You find yourselves on the Dreadnaught looking at a domain of stark contrasts. Featuring windswept coastlines battered by icy waves and brooding forests where ancient trees claw at the sky. The landscape ranges from foggy settlements to mountainous regions. In the far distance you see Gothic architecture.

Lamordia is perpetually shrouded in mist and maintains a cold, harsh climate that shapes both its terrain and its people.

The Dreadnaught sails into the port of Ludendorf.

Welcome to Lamordia! Take off your shoes and bend over!

The Captain is immediately met by the Harbour Master, who informs him that every person aboard the ship will need to be registered with the registration office before nightfall. He also checks everyone for lycanthropy, we think - it involves holding a silver coin. Nobody screamed, so it seems we all passed. We all then head off to the registration office, and have to make CON saves on the way to not be choked by the pollution. Except Dennis, who doesn’t breathe.

Interlude of Exposition (II)

The city of Ludendorf is a morass of steam-powered factories operating at the behest of morally bankrupt barons. Boiling sewers and team tunnels thread the city’s foundations, heating cramped tenements and powering the cranes needed by the city’s fleet. These ironclad, ice-breaking whaling vessels dare the Sea of Secrets to bring back massive beasts that provide vital food and fuel for the city.

Ensconced in the city’s heart, Ludendorf University supports many local industries. Funded by corrupt entrepreneurs and wealthy but immoral benefactors, the university’s vast curriculum boats esoteric programs such as alchemical combustion, chemical sentience, and speculative anatomy. The sciences reign here, and students and faculty alike push to discover technologies that will net lucrative contracts from the city’s wealthy overlords. The university continually needs new subjects for experiments and hires volunteers or pays individuals for “flesh rights” - ownership of their cadavers once they die.

The people you pass on the streets are bundled in thick coats and cloaks. They move with purpose, not lingering in the open air longer than necessary. Most give you curious glances but don’t approach or offer greetings.

Smoke rises from many chimneys, and the smell of burning wood mixes with the salt air from the harbor. Gas lamps line the main thoroughfares, already lit despite it being daytime due to the overcast conditions and thick fog that seems to be a constant presence here.

As you are making your way to the registration office you are intaking the culture and propoganda of Ludendorf, you see Lamordians with newspapers with big bold headlines, as well as hearing a town crier shouting a myriad of different statements.

Registration is not cheap, and the exchange rate is weird.

The registration office takes our biometrics, and requires a hefty payment per person, in the local Lamordian currency, which are silver coins. We mostly have gold coins, and the exchange rate is something like 4 gold coins to 3 silver coins. Rusty had some actual silver pieces, and the exchange rate for those was one-to-one. This opens up opportunities for arbitrage if we can open reliable travel.

The registrar also helpfully explains the local reputation-based social standing system for us.

The registrar gives us directions to the public notice board where we can find jobs. We thank them, and head there.

Community Service

At the notice board, we find a range of jobs.

The party picks up the Clock Repair task, and the Bodyguard task.

Rusty and Cootes roving repair.

We head over to the address on the clock repair task, and arrive outside a house only to hear hysterical wailing coming from within. With some trepidation, we knock on the door. The wailing instantly stops, and a lady opens the door. We introduce ourselves (by this stage, Rusty has a firm grip on the local dialect) and tell her we are here to repair the clock. She is overjoyed.

The clock in question is a Grandfather clock. Rusty is suspicious - this is a pretty simple clock, why hasn’t anyone been able to fix it? He casts Detect Magic on it, which does nothing. Not that there isn’t magic on the clock - the spell just doesn’t work. That’s weird. It also raises the suspicion of the housekeeper, who asks what he is doing. Rusty covers up magnificently by informing her that there are sensors built in to his gauntlets which can run diagnostics for him. She seems to be mollified.

Rusty then treats the clock as a purely mundane device, and walks Ethan through the correct way to dismantle, diagnose, repair and service a Grandfather clock. The problem was a corroded gear, which tells Rusty that the local clockmakers are morons, but after fixing that he also takes the time to clean all the other corrosion susceptible parts (primarily the main drive spring) and give them all a good coat of lubrication so this doesn’t happen again. I mean, that’s why clock gears are bronze. It is naturally corrosion resistant, and self-lubricating! Lamordia has not impressed Rusty so far.

The lady of the house is overjoyed with our work, and in addition to paying the agreed amount of 15 Gold Marks (why are they called that? They’re silver!), also provides us with a writ. We’re building a reputation!

Caravan guards

The party then heads to the market. We can only enter because we have the work order, allowing us to be there. On the way, we surreptitiously check out how our magic is going. It is affecting different party members differently. Dennis, Cletus and The Captain are basically unaffected. Louie, Rusty and Horus are feeling unwell to varying degrees. A little investigation reveals that “magic” does not work in Lamordia, but “science” does. For example, Louie cannot “Divine Smite” and more - if he tries to, it instead happens as some sort of electrical charge, now doing electrical damage instead of radiant damage. If we put sufficient effort into working out ways to express our magic in technological ways, we will be able to use it, but it won’t be “magic”.

Rusty is happy as a dog with two tails.

In the market, we find Hans Der Bahnhof, who is setting up his caravan, getting ready to depart. The Captain hats to him and arranges for the party to provide security services for him for the trip to Neufurchtenburg. He asks us if we have cold weather gear, and we do not. For the low, low price of all of our money, he runs off and purchases three sets of cold weather gear for us, as well as one set of barding. They are for Cletus, Louie and Horus, and the barding is for Raymond. Rusty’s armour is insulative enough. I assume The Captain and Dennis will stay on the ship?

The Long Arm of The Law

As we are agreeing to meet Hans early tomorrow to depart, a group of Helmed Horrors enter the market and make a beeline for the party. They arrest The Captain on unspecified charges. The Captain chooses to go along with them, and the party follows. The Captain is apparently being arrested on suspicion of murder, on the basis that the word “Captain” has been found written in blood at a murder scene, and The Captain is the only person currently in Ludendorf that goes by that name. Tenuous at best.

We are taken to the crime scene - the investigative processes of local law enforcement are not sophisticated. There we find a dead body, and on the wall - in blood - is a hand print and the message “Captain, he’s hiding under the identity of Dr Yitthalx.” The body is of a well known local lunatic who has always maintained that Gods are real. On the other wall is a sword and a shield. Various members of the party recognize the heraldry on the shield, it is the holy symbol of Torm, God of Justice. None of us are dumb enough to tell the local coppers that, though.

We tell the police when we arrived in Ludendorf, which they verify by talking to the Harbourmaster, and what we have been doing since, which they verify by talking to the clerk at the registration office, the lady with the clock, and Hans. Our names are thus cleared.

We do notice that “Yitthalx” is an anagram of “Xal-Ityth”, and we ask the local constabulary to keep an eye our for him. They tell us that Dr Yitthalx is on the register as being in Neufurchtenburg, which is cool, because that’s where we are going.

Here endeth the Session

But we are given some infodump about domain effects:

Realm of Science Over Magic: Spellcasting focuses are rendered useless in Lamordia. Magic functions more like alchemy, requiring specific material components to work properly. This reflects the domain’s fundamental rejection of supernatural explanations in favor of scientific ones, making traditional spellcasters particularly vulnerable to the domain’s unique horrors.

• Spell casting focuses are useless as Magic doesn’t exist here, only science.
• Spellslots don’t get used ever.
• For spells with no material component, they have to purchase them as consumables from a vendor or source them in the wilds of Lamorida.
• Magic is treated as alchemy and you need to source the physical material components to try to replicate the equivalent.
• They can go to vendors and ask for components like bat guano or request to find some in their travels. Reagent bundle for ability to cast each spell once. (cost equal to a spell scroll: 25 gp for 1st level, 250 gp for 2nd, 500 gp for 3rd, etc.).
• When Casting the spell as alchemy, they need to prepare the alchemical concoction by making a nature check of 13 + spell level or it fails.
• Inherent Magic Weapons and Armour that add modifiers is allowed but no actual effects or abilities that would indicate spell use is allowed.
• Ki works the same as it’s considered willpower based on meditation. Divine Smite works but is outright refused as magical phenomena and is considered a form of Electromagnetic discharge.
• Scientific Superstition: Both having a clock that stops ticking and is not fixed by midnight and Winding a clock after sundown curses a household.

Rusty gets to work modifying his tools to be able to work with optimum efficiency in the local conditions.

Turtles all the way down

The party follows the town guard of Mordentshire towards Landle Cross, which is roughly 8 miles away. Should take 4 hours, more or less. The guard of Mordentshire is OK to be away from his post for the next 8 hours, right?

As we go, various incongruities are noticed. Where before, the area was devoted to corn farming, now there is nary a stalk of corn to be seen. Obviously the farmers forgot to tassel their crop last spring?

In its place are Eggplants as far as the eye can see. The farmers here really have no idea of supply and demand economics. There is a near-infinite supply of Eggplant here, and nobody wants to eat them if they can help it.

In any case, we note that the climate is completely wrong for eggplant anyway. At least, according to Ethan. Funnily enough, in the real world, both corn and eggplant thrive in warm sunny environments. In a world with magic, however, emotional resonance should mean that eggplant cannot grow anywhere except certain particularly vicious circles of Hell.

While wandering, Rusty remembers having seen Cletus in the future/past of Burrowdale, and wonders if there has been any causative effects on Cletus’ family. He sends Minion to investigate. Minion flies over to the Cletus homestead and lands on the roof. He observes many of Cletus’ siblings working around the farm, but does not spot Cletus or his parents. He jumps down in front of the door and notices that initially, the door seemed perfectly smooth, but as soon as he looked at it, it became textured and more intricately coloured. Rusty immediately notices and deduces that the “reality” they are in is rendered, and the processing system is saving resources by only rendering things in detail on demand.

Minion opens the door and Rusty advises him to watch the walls carefully for progressive detailing. He does, but what he notices is Cletus’ Mum, standing at the stove with her back to him, making gumbo. On the wall is a painting of Cletus at the time of his demise in Hara’kir. Rusty notes that this is odd for two reasons. First, why would you want that in your home, but more importantly, how did they know how Cletus died? The members of the party were the only people that observed that, and this is the first time we have returned to Mordent since then.

Rusty relays this to the party, and everyone starts getting very suspicious. The guard that was leading us sighs, turns toward the party, then dissipates on a gust of wind. The world fades away, and the party finds itself still in Bluetspur.

Recycling mythology

In the distance we see the ruins of a city. As we approach, we recognise the characteristic architecture of a High Elven city, and we recognise it as Tharn. The silence surrounding the city is oppressive, the towers at the gate pulse with metallic purple light. Geometric shapes adorn the walls of the city, and atop the gates stands an enormous statue of an elvish god - Solonor Thelandria. The city has supposedly been cursed because Solonor got it on with Corellon Larethian’s wife, Melora. For some reason Corellon wasn’t happy when he found out and got all pissy about it. Louie and Rusty look at each other thinking they’ve heard this before, somewhere.

The tower pulses with energy, and everyone has to make CON saves. Dennis and Louie fail and take 44 psychic damage.

Everyone makes an arcana check, and we decipher the runes on the tower. They say “Danger - psychic overload region”. The Captain unlocks the gates and opens them. In the forecourt is an Arclight Phoenix.

Initiative! Rusty wins with 32, the The Captain on 31, Horus on 30, Dennis on 25, Louie and Raymond on 24, Gary on 21 and the Phoenix (who must have been asleep) on 16.

Rusty tries to talk to it, but the only response he gets is an unintelligible blast of racism, so we figure we’re all good to fuck this thing up. He shoots it with Lightning, which doesn’t go well. Not only is it immune, it reflects the arcs back at us. IT was at this point that the network to Rusty, Dennis, Louie and Raymond died, and we quickly relocated inside where it would work.

In the meantime, The Captain and Horus did some stuff.

When we return, Minion shoots the Phoenix with Shatter. Thunder damage is reduced.

Dennis goes all Devo on the thing and whips it good.

Louie mounts up on Raymond, and shoots the Phoenix with his bow. Raymond, who has no ranged attacks, holds his action.

The phoenix dives at the party, and Raymond hits it. He does 11 points of damage, but the electrical damage that he took from touching the phoenix does 10 to him, so we call it even.

On the first action of the second round of combat, Rusty shoots the phoenix with Chill Touch. The necrotic energy hits it at the base of one wing, rotting through the joint and slicing the wing off. The phoenix spirals out of control into the floor and dies.

Unexpectedly, there is an egg in the ashes of the remains. It must have been pregnant! The Captain scoops up the egg. The party finds a bag of 350 elven gold pieces, and five scrolls of Greater Restoration.

The party decides to finally have a long rest at this point, and Rusty whips out his mansion for everyone to chill in. Rusty, who is still suffering the after-effects of that wish that brought Dennis back (and will be for several days) chooses to stay in the mansion and rest and craft while everyone else continues without him.

Where Dennis starts to consider the merits of being an Echo Knight.

Beyond the forecourt, the walls open up to a bustling city. Bustling with ghosts, that is. They don’t behave like ghosts, though - they’re just going about their business, and a completely normal, if somewhat transparent manner. Horus notices a shopkeeper watching us, which is weird, so he goes over for a chat.

The shopkeeper is selling Legendary magic items for the low, low price of 175 elven gold pieces - so we can afford 2. The items are Gloves of Soul Catching, a Defender longsword, Armour of Invulnerability, and a Jester’s Mask. We buy the Gloves and the Defender.

Once our transaction is complete, the echoes of people past fade away like mists with the rising sun. The party moves on, and we pass a fountain filled with black water that reflects unnatural stars from its oily surface. We all resist the aura of Confusion, except for Rusty, who isn’t even there, and rolled by mistake. Sitting in his forge, he was very confused.

We enter a house, and within we see more echos of the past. The ghost of a young male elf writhes in pain, before falling back to his bed, comatose or dead. Then he rises, transformed into a Mind Flayer, and moves to his sisters bed, dragging her out and biting down on her head. The image fades, but the skeleton of the young female elf still remains in the now dusty bed.

The party move on from the house. Dennis’ is suffering from progressively worse headaches, and feels an urge to enter the temple of Corellon. We enter the temple. The architecture is awe-inspiring, but has been desecrated, and wisps of aberrant energy lick over the surfaces of the walls and altar. Dennis is starting to feel like all the aberrant energy is a personal affront, so he starts using his astral whip to beat it into oblivion. This triggers a memory:

The Return of Seldrid

With his memories returning, Dennis recalls part of the town layout - specifically, where Seldrid’s office is. We head there - the door is locked. Before The Captain can whip his tool out again, Dennis reaches above the lintel and retrieves the spare key.

Beyond the doorway is a spacious office, filled with bookshelves, which are themselves filled with books. Dennis is initially excited to collect them for Rusty, but first decides to cull all the weird Mind Flayer religious texts. Once done, there are no books left. The depression is crushing.

The atmosphere in the office brings on another case of deja vu for Dennis:

Dennis, now remembering the presence of a secret compartment and to open it, looks in the hidden desk drawer. Within, he finds another journal - this one, written by him.

Dennis reads the entire book to the party. Sucks to be them.

It is now abundantly clear that Seldrid is alive somewhere, and the big bad in this arc. Following the standard norm of reversing the name when we want to indicate badness, we re-christen him Dirdles.

The Captain Leads!

The Captain gets very emotional at this point and strides about the study, giving an impassioned speech, shaking party members by the shoulders, and staring into their eyes with great intensity. We are all appropriately inspired, and get some temp HP, which is nice. The we charge forth to do battle with the dark lord Dirdles.

We reason that Dirdles will be in his laboratory. On the way down the stairs, The Captain takes the lead and starts swinging his rapier at anything that moves. There’s nothing moving, so he upgrades to swinging it at things that don’t move, which is why he brutally murdered a bunch of moss lining the walls of the tunnel we are in. Dirdles must have noticed us at this point, because we all have to make Intelligence saves.

In defiance of our prior record, we all roll appallingly. Only Louie makes his save, which is why he is left watching the party wander off in different directions, doing truly stupid things. The Captain heads deeper in to the complex, Dennis turns around and leaves, Raymond starts swinging from the ceiling by his tongue (incidentally blocking the passage), and Horus starts chatting to Gary, sounding much more coherent than he normally does.

Louie uses one of the scrolls of Greater Restoration to restore Raymond, and sends him off to recapture Dennis. Louie chases after The Captain. Nobody cares about Horus. Raymond succeeds in lassoing the flying Dennis and dragging him back to where Horus remains.

The Captain wanders into the laboratory at eh bottom of the stairway, and sees a huge pile of gold coins. “Treasure!”. The gold coins giggle and start gesturing for The Captain to come closer. “Treasure FRIENDS!” He is just about to go full Scrooge McDuck and dive into the pile of smiling, toothy gold pieces, when Louie rounds the bend at a full sprint and quickly casts Moonbeam on the pile. It instantly reverts to whatever the natural form of Mimics are, which was apparently too Eldritch for Louie or The Captains brains to comprehend, because they can’t recall. By the time we get back, the Moonbeam has done so much damage to the immobilized Mimics that they are nothing more than a disgusting goop on the floor.

Louie drags The Captain back to where the rest of the party is congregated on the stairs, and it’s scrolls of Greater Restoration all around. Feebleminded no more! Better - we are now immune to Feeblemind for the next 24 hours.

Where is that bastard?

The party heads down to the lab, and all they find on the slab is the aforementioned Mimic goop. We search the room for hidden passages. Where is Dirdles? Nothing is found.

Ah hah! He feebleminded us on the steps! Admittedly that spell has a pretty long range, but you have to be able to see the target! He must have been there, peeking through a peephole! We race back to where we were Feebleminded, and search for secret passages. Nothing! How did he do it? It turns out, it was effectively The Captain who feebleminded us all. Remember he was swinging his rapier, and savaged an innocent clump of moss? It wasn’t so innocent! It is a genetic experiment that Dirdles made, that feebleminds passersby. Damn it! No Dirdles! How will we find him?

We console ourselves by taking as many samples of the moss as we can, just in case Rusty can replicate or grow it. Ethan was initially very excited to think he might infest Louie’s portable hole with brain draining moss, but then very disappointed when Dennis produced some vials from his poisoners kit to use.

As a side note, Dennis has another flashback while down in the lab:

We depart in defeat

Unable to find Dirdles, we go back up the stairs to the surface. Waiting there is an elf. This one isn’t translucent, though - he’s real. He bows and says “Welcome, honored guests, to the eternal city of Thaan. I am Jarus, the God Brains Personal Butler and I extend an invitation to join our glorious evolution.” Also, this fucker has weird eyes.

Never mind, we found a local guide

He leads the way to a new part of the city. There are Mind Flayers everywhere. They’re staring at us with undisguised hate, but appear to be restrained from harming us. The party stares back with reciprocal malice, except for Louie who pokes out his tongue and jeers “Nah nah nah nah nah!” This releases the tension - the Mind Flayers are even more incensed, but the party is laughing their asses off.

A little further on, The Captain leans over to Jaris an mutters softly “Move and you’re gay”. Jaris, the homophobic shithead that he is, freezes in place. We leave him behind, because it’s pretty obvious where we’re going by now. We round a corner and see what appears to be a pretty normal public swimming pool - huge, poorly maintained, and filled with unidentifiable bodily excretions. Also, unexplainably, a big brain. Oh wait, that’s Dirdles. Gee, you’d think he would clean up the place if he was expecting visitors.

Dennis, upon seeing Dirdles, has another flashback - his. final lost memory:

The Final Climactic Showdown

Dirdles tries very hard to talk to us and convince Dennis to return to him, but the party isn’t in a sympathetic mood.

Initiative! Dennis wins with 29, The Captain is next on 27, Dirdles comes after that on 22 (but don’t worry kids, he’ll have lots of Legendary actions). Then it’s Raymond on 21, Horus and Gary on 20, Louie on 15, and Vilgax taking his customary support role position on 10.

Dirdles instructs his Mind Flayer followers not to interfere. Boy, is he going to regret that later.

Dennis punches the brain. It has seen Dennis coming, because it is resistant to force damage, and necrotic (from his Hand of Harm) heals it. Strangely it is not immune to stun, but it does have very good saving throws.

The Captain starts to even the playing field a bit by casting Bane on it, which sticks. Then he hits it with a sneak attack, but Dirdles uses a Portent to make the attack miss. So The Captain hits him again.

Dirdles spits at The Captain. Gross, dude! It’s nasty shit, too. The Captain takes some major damage. Then he alters the terrain - essentially a short range teleport for him. He’s behind us! He casts Hold Person on Louie, then slaps Louie with his tendrilly member. Eeeww! He rolls a crit, too - but Louie has no truck with criticals done to him, so it doesn’t count. Still does 50 damage, though, and sucks out 4 INT. Jokes on you, Dirdles, Louie doesn’t even use his brain!

Raymond moves next to Louie and takes a few swings at Dirdles, at which point it becomes apparent that Raymond is just useless without Blackrazor. We’re sorry, Blackrazor! If you come back, we’ll never call you Dickrazor again!

Louie attempts to save against Hold Person on his turn, but doesn’t, and stays where he is.

Seldrid has another mumbling attempt at persuading Dennis to come back to him, but for a guy with 18 CHA, he’s seriously unconvincing. In addition, he telekinetically grabs one of his followers and eats it, to heal himself. Dick move. You told them not to interfere! Dennis calls him out on it, too.

Dennis stops punching and tries stabbing Dirdles with his spear (full of poison) and his aberrant murdering whip. Neither do much.

The Captain decides to steal Dennis’ thing, and stabs Dirdles with the poison that we were given to use on Sennid. Dirdles fails his contested roll against The Captain, and now has all his bonuses halved. This is in addition to the -1d4 from The Captain’s Bane from last round. The Captain is shaping up to be MVP, and strengthens his position by hitting Dirdles. Vilgax decides to assist The Captain’s cause and throws a sneaky Haste on him. The Captain strikes again! Crit! This prevents Dirdles from using his Exhaustion attack next round.

Horus mounts up on Gary and fires Guiding Bolt at Dirdles. Another crit! Also, we discover Dirdles is vulnerable to Radiant damage, which excites Louie no end. The crit gives a nearby ally (The Captain) the opportunity to attack again, which he does. This is when we discover that Dirdles is also vulnerable to Thunder damage.

Dirdles tries to Banish Horus, but Horus isn’t done rolling 20s and saves like a boss. Then Dirdles hits The Captain for 43 psychic, but The Captain is resistant to that. How does that feel, Dirdles?

Raymond looks at the big brain in front of him, and notes the saving throw penalties The Captain has applied to it, and thinks dark thoughts. He pulls a vial of feeblemind moss out of his mouth, and lobs it into the vat. The look on Dirdles face (and by extension, Ethan’s face) was absolutely priceless. Dirdles fails his save, but pulls out a Legendary Resistance in a clutch moment to keep his mind. Phew.

Raymond lobs in another one. Dirdles fails again. He Legendary Resistances it again. That’s the end of Raymond’s turn, to Dirdles’ relief. That big fucking frog is going down before he gets another chance to do that!

It’s Louie’s go, and he’s been released from Hold Person at some point. Staring into what passes for Dirdles’ eyes, he slowly reaches into Raymond’s mouth and pulls out another vial. The crowd goes wild! Another hit! Another failed save! Another Legendary Resistance!

Smiling a huge shit-eating grin, Louie reaches back into Raymonds mouth one last time. Withdraws a vial of moss. Pops the top, stretches back with his arm, and lobs it in. With no Legendary Resistance remaining, that is the end of Dirdles.

Ethan retcons a bit more dialog back to the start of this round with Dennis - what was supposed to be his mid-point monologue. It’s a warning not to kill him, as it will destabilize the dark domains if we go around killing too many dread lords.

Then he lets Dirdles do his dying monologue now, which is a litany of regret, where Dirdles sees what he has become and apologises. Dennis isn’t just unmoved - he’s actively enraged by the narcissistic fucker. This was the whole problem, Dirdles! It’s not all about you!

As the God-Brain loses all control over the Mind Flayers surrounding us, they burst forward with hate in their eyes. Just before they reach the party, Vilgax cuts the top of his own head off, and jumps into the God-Brine. Once there, he pulls his own brain out, and merges with the defenceless God-Brain, taking it over. He halts the Mind Flayers again, and speaks to the party:

Thank you my friends. I can’t explain what I am feeling but I seem to be able to tap into the mists of this domain. Let’s see what we can do here.

The mists part, and we can see the Sea of Storms. The Captain knows these waters well, and is confident he can sail the Dreadnaught back to Mordent.

Vilgax places a commission with Dennis to get Rusty to make 100 more Rings of Nourishment.

Denoument.

The party makes their way back to Mordent. Uncle Ricky shows them how the freed domains are joining together. He has made a map, and Uncle Ricky’s cartography skills are second to none!

He tells Louie and Rusty that Hara’kir has been liberated, and unfortunately the people of Hara’kir - specifically the Muharan people - have been raiding our salt factories.

On a brighter note, we travel to Cletus’s farm - and Cletus is alive again!

The last item of note is that Bane contacts The Captain and informs him the Xal-ityth, the Mind Flayer that fled Bluetspur (and the guy that impersonated Bane), has been seen in the domain of Lamordia. He was seen in the presence of two Flumphs that he keeps as slaves. Unfortunately, nobody who has sailed to Lamordia has ever returned.

And we level up!

F#ck Sinned, and f#ck this mountain, too.

Esmerelda departs with the Revallians. God, they were annoying.

We move forward with Dr Alaris to murder her creations. Once through the previously unpassable door, we find the walls lined with framed artwork of the Revallia, and at the far end, a statue of Heckna.

Through the doorway, the corridor moves in 2 directions. To the right, the corridor is blocked by a pulsing blue wall. Through the translucent wall, we can see pulsing black moss, and hordes of Intellect Devourers.

We go to the left, where we come upon a brain extraction chamber. A Mind Flayer is working on a subject at the operating table in the center of the room. The walls are lined with sarcophagi, labelled with the traits of their contents.

The Mind Flayer speaks:

I have been expecting you. Our Lord Sinned has tasked me with being the last …

“Sacrifice”, says Dennis.

Line of defence! I was going to say the last line of defence!

“Nope. You’re just the next in line.”

It is at this point that Ethan reveals that the Mind Flayer has a name. Sur’geon. We name him Sergei.

Initiative. Dennis 27, Raymond 25, Rusty 23, Louie and The Captain 21. It’s unclear - and not important - what the initiative of Sergei was, because as has become customary, all our opponents these days get infinite Legendary Actions, and all go after every players turn. Though in this case, also before.

Sergei presses a button and fills the room with toxic gas. Only The Captain and Rusty are not immune to poison, so only they roll to save. They both do, but half damage is still significant.

Dennis moves forward and whips into Sergei. 3/5 hits, no crits. Sergei is resistant to force damage, but Ethan wasn’t aware that Dennis can turn his force damage off, and he’s doing slashing damage now which is working fine.

Sergei makes a scalpel fly down and stab Dennis in the temple, doing significant psychic damage and stunning him.

Raymond bounds forward, hits Sergei twice, then jumps back to Louie.

The blue wall drops, and the hordes of Intellect Devourers rush forward. As they come, they merge into Voltron, so Ethan only has to run one more monster.

Rusty shoots Sergei and does damage, which also damages Dennis. So he aims his next shot at Voltron, but misses.

Voltron psychically attacks Rusty, but Int saves are kind of his thing.

The Captain runs out of the room (and the area of the neurotoxin), and stabs the crap out of Voltron, but that also damages Dennis.

Louie is very excited to abjure the extraplanar, which works about as well as Horus’ over-complicated plans, which is to say, not at all. They both save and Louie wastes his turn.

Sergei rushes forward and attacks Rusty, doing pretty serious damage and reducing his movement speed to 0’ by slashing his achilles tendon. That’s pretty impressive given that Rusty doesn’t have one of those.

Dennis uses his turn to unstun himself and then Hand of Heals the crap out of himself as he’s almost dead by this point.

Raymond hits Sergei.

Sergei sends his head scalpel to attack Raymond, which stuns him.

Voltron, having decided Rusty is too hard a target, psychically attacks Louie, but he saves too.

Rusty casts Dispel Magic on Dennis to break the damage link he has with Sergei and Voltron, then Misty Steps into the next room.

The Captain goes to attack Voltron, and Vilgax casts Holy Weapon (twinned) on The Captains rapier and Dennis’ whip. Nice. The Captain proceeds to stab the crap out of Voltron.

Louie attacks Sergei and hits him with a Divine Smite. Now The Captain is also taking Sergei’s damage.

Sergei hits Dennis for 36 psychic and reduces his movement to 0’. Again with the achilles tendon, which really wouldn’t affect flying? Or if he cut a wing tendon, wouldn’t affect running? Whatever. Then he hits Louie for 21 psychic.

Voltron uses a Legendary Action to psychically attack Louie, but Louie makes the save again.

Dennis whips the fuck out of Sergei. Sorry Captain.

Raymond, even though currently stunned, hits Sergei. Sorry Captain. The Captain drops.

Voltron engages in a battle of wits with The Captain’s unconscious brain, and fails spectacularly. The Captain rolls so well that he takes over Voltron! The Captain drops the damage link with his body, that was causing him to take Sergei’s damage too.

Rusty Misty Steps to The Captain and casts Cure Wounds on him, which stops him having to make death saves, but he doesn’t wake up. Rusty is pretty familiar with The Captain’s shenanigans by now, and given that Voltron has turned around and is now facing Sergei, Rusty has a pretty good idea of what is going on, even without his +8 to Perception and +14 to Investigation.

Sergei attacks Dennis.

Louie attacks Sergei.

Sergie attacks Dennis again, and drops him.

Dennis makes his death save.

Raymond hits Sergie, then crits Sergei, which kills him.

Dr Alaris speaks with Voltron and convinces it to commit suicide, which is pretty cool considering it’s not even in charge of its own body right now. The Captain, of course, makes the save to not die when it does.

Louie lays on hands on Dennis enough to get him awake, and Dennis slaps himself back to health. Then he slaps some health into The Captain, too.

The Captain figures out how to clear the neurotoxin from the room, which we do. All the Revallians in the room have died, though. We never liked them anyway.

We loot Sergei’s body and he has bugger all loot on him, just a note from Sinned.

Dr Alaris extracts something from Voltron’s body, and presents us with a poison that can ignore Sinned’s poison immunity (just for it, it doesn’t remove the immunity for other poisons). Then she says that she has delivered on her end of the deal and we have to kill her now. The Captain, who was in hiding, does so before she has a chance to reconsider.

We go into the Intellect Devourer preserve, and start spinning the fan up, which reveals a hidden room. Inside are organs preserved in formaldehyde, and after searching, we also find a psi-nullifier grenade. We take that, and torch the room.

A Road to Nowhere

Before us, a portal tears through space. Looking through, we can see a creature that looks like a clone of Dennis that went badly wrong. Instead of well-formed, noble and handsome, it is depraved, hideous and craven. It’s Sinned! The party is given the option of stepping through the portal or not. There’s no hesitance in our heroic party. The contrast with Sinned is unavoidable.

Sinned monologues for a while in a pathetically narcissistic manner, thinking it would goad Dennis. He admits to murdering Seldrin, their mentor. Dennis doesn’t react - he stores it up for later.

In the corner there is a jack-in-the-box, which starts jumping about - and then Heckna leaps out! Well, a Heckna doll.

Initiative! Rusty gets 34 off a natural 20, and Raymond gets 29 off a natural 20, so they go 1 & 2. Then there’s The Captain with a 30, the Dennis and Sinned tie on 29 each. Of course, Sinned gets to go first. Not that it matters - he has infinite Legendary actions too. Heckna slides in here somewhere, and Louie trails the pack with a 19.

Rusty shoots Sinned twice, critting once.

Sinned uses up all his legendary actions, and hits everyone for 64HP, no save.

Raymond attacks Heckna. Heckna uses his reaction to blow smoke into Raymonds face, but it does nothing.

Sinned casts Confusion on Dennis & Raymond. Neither save. Then he uses Arcane Vigor to heal himself.

Dennis rolls 10 vs Confusion, so acts normally. He whips Heckna silly and makes his save vs Heckna’s second reaction damage this turn. Nice! He gets infinite reactions too! Dennis saves against Confusion at the end of his turn.

Heckna attacks Dennis and does 64 Necrotic damage.

Rusty drinks a potion of healing, then casts Chaos Bolt at Heckna but misses.

Raymond rolls poorly against Confusion and does nothing, but then makes his save and ends the condition.

The Captain hits Heckna twice for major pain.

Sinned flies up and kills Dennis (he was only on 8HP). And I mean kills - he keeps punching down to burn through all the death saves. I get he has an inferiority complex, but that guy has no chill.

Heckna takes a swing at The Captain but misses.

Sinned pauses to gloat. Nobody is listening to his crap. Louie drinks a healing potion.

Rusty shoots Heckna twice. Minion shoots Sinned.

Sinned casts a spell on Dennis as a legendary action, mostly because Ethan heard Zoe talk about having Raymond pick up Dennis’ body.

Raymond then attempts to swallow Dennis’ body, but Sinned somehow figured out Raymond’s cunning plan and cast Immovable Object on Dennis’ body.

Interesting side note: This sets in canon in Ethan’s world that a dead body is an object, and that object affecting spells work on them. So using Mending to re-attach limbs to dead bodies before raising them is 100% legal now.

Anyway, Raymond can’t swallow Dennis, so he sits on him. Then he hits Sinned twice.

The Captain attacks Heckna, fucks him up a bit, and casts Bane on Heckna and Sinned, both of whom fail their save. The Captain then hits Sinned.

Sinned Dimension Doors away, taking Dennis’ body with him.

Heckna casts Psychic Blast on The Captain, Raymond and Louie. Then he Misty Steps through the portal, which closes.

Ethan says that finishes combat…

…but is interrupted by Rusty, whose turn it is. He says he uses the Wish he got last session: “I wish for Dennis to be returned to us right now and truly resurrected.”

Fuck.

The portal re-opens, and Sinned and Heckna return. Sinned holds Dennis’ body up in the air below where Rusty is flying and returns it.

Dennis recalls his time being dead. He was pure Fae energy in the Faewild. He saw Ao in a ring of fairy mushrooms. Ao holds out his hand, and Dennis takes it. An image of Rusty appears, and Dennis steps through.

Dennis comes back to life, all wounds healed, and even with his original teeth back!

Aw yeah motherfucker, it’s back on now.

Rusty shoots Sinned twice.

Raymond bites Sinned with a double natural 20 crit for 120 damage, then crits him again, then crits him again. Damn, Raymond - leave some for the rest of us!

Sinned legendary actions and dominates Louie, and forces him to release his bond with Raymond. Raymond looks lovingly at Louie, and fades away. I mean, killing Dennis was one thing, dude. We get you have beef. Not even Dennis blamed you for that. Breaking a man’s bond with his frog? That was too far.

The Captain attacks Sinned and affects him with Dr Alaris’ poison.

Sinned picks up Blackrazor and Dimension Doors away. Fucking coward!

Dennis is briefly struck mute with astonishment that Sinned ran away not once, but twice! Then he turns and kills Heckna.

We pick up Raymonds stuff. Louie is heartbroken. The Captain picks up some of Sinned’s DNA. I think he scraped it off his rapier.

Outside Mt Makab, Sinned runs toward the pit. He doesn’t pay attention to the massive camp of Revallians, and they apparently don’t pay attention to him either, and just let him go.

He leaps toward the pit, and then a surge of chaotic energy swells, and surrounds him. Sinned is drawn back from the pit and placed on the ground. Blackrazor starts to laugh. “HE COMES! TO SAVE ME! THE TRUE MASTER! YGORL!”

Sinned turns and sees Ygorl forming from the chaos behind him. “Lord of Entropy! You cannot kill me! I am a clone - only Dennis can slay me!”

Ygorl smiles. Well, he’s always smiling, but his smile widens. “I can do you one better.”

Inside Mt Makab, the party has just finished using Sinned’s DNA to purge the experimental data from the simulation. Around the party, 17 eyeballs appear, watching us. All magic stops working. Dennis hears: “I don’t like you, and you don’t like me, but I’ll allow you to take out the trash.”

Before the party a portal opens, and we see Sinned. Dennis jumps through, closely followed by Louie and the rest of the party. While Ygorl holds Sinned in place, Dennis walks toward him. “Dad loved me better. My friends love me better. Even your servants liked me better. As hard as it may be to believe - even after I killed him once - even YGORL likes me better. You really are the worse version.” And he tears Sinned’s head off with his newly regenerated teeth.

Blackrazor whispers something to Ygorl. Ygorl strokes Blackrazor and says to Louie: “Your mount wasn’t his true master, but any wielder of Blackrazor deserves respect.” He starts casting a spell - a marble of chaos appears, and starts to swell, but it appears to be fighting Ygorl. “He is resisting me. He doesn’t want me to summon him. I require your help.” Louie assists by casting a channel divinity into Ygorl’s spell, rolling another natural 20 to assist. The marble of chaos becomes a tadpole which swims into Louie’s hand and swells until it becomes Raymond - an improved Raymond, due to that Nat 20. He gets +1 to all stats.

Ygorl turns to the party. “You are all valiant warriors, but you do not have the darkness in your hearts to wield my blade.” As Ygorl steps through a portal to Limbo, Blackrazor flicks out of its own volition, and leaves a fine cut in Raymond. From now on, once per Long Rest, Raymond can instantly heal himself for 80HP.

The Revallians cheer. God they’re annoying. Esmerelda asks if it is time to go. We’re all pretty tired of this place, and agree it’s time to leave. She shoots the mists with a crossbow, and that gets them to do her bidding. We step through to Mordent - including Villy G, who decides to join the party.

As we approach Mordentshire, a guard sees us coming and steps forward. Esmerelda tells him that the Revallians are refugees that they need to settle. The guard response that they should be fine settling in Landlecross. Someone - it wasn’t recorded who - responds “Candlecross?” The guards eye twitches.

Stay tuned.

That Battle for Burrowdale continues

Dennis flies to the tree and uses it to dimension door to Nautiloid 2. Then he starts to beat the shit out of it. At one point, the Mind Flayers try to stop him hitting by Silvery Barbing him. The first time they did that, he still hit. The second time they did it, he criticalled. They didn’t Silvery Barbs him again after that. Horus gets a ranged attack on Nautiloid 2 as a reaction because of that critical, but before he can use it The Captain, valiantly fighting off the Mind Flayers that are attempting to retake the bridge of Nautiloid 1, spins the hyperdrives up to ramming speed and smashes it into Nautiloid 2.

This was super effective in destroying both Nautiloids, and all the Minds Flayers aboard them. It wasn’t so great for Dennis, who was standing on top of Nautiloid 2 when Nautiloid 1 rammed it from above. That hurt a bit.

Horus still had that reaction attack, so he used it to rescue some villagers in peril.

At this point the party notices a huge Nautiloid driving a crystal spike into the intersection of ley lines to the south of the town centre. This is weird, and we are reliably informed that it’s bad. Rusty and Horus go off to bombard it with fireballs, which is going OK, until it blasts us with 100-odd points of force damage with a reaction, then another 100-odd with its attack. Rusty and Horus drop.

In the meantime, Louie and Raymond beat up a lone intellect devourer without any effort at all, then decide that this justifies them jumping - alone - into the middle of 2 Nautiloids and 5 Mind Flayers. I think they managed to kill one Mind Flayer, before they were both killed and Louie had his brain sucked out.

Dennis, from 300-odd feet away, notices Louie’s brain being tossed into the air, and a Mind Flayer about to catch it in its mouth. He uses his tree action to Dimension Door to just where the brain is, and catches it in a fly-by. He thought that Mobile meant he could just grab it and run without fearing opportunity attacks, but was told that he had to at least attempt an attack. So he did, and killed that slimy fucker, then flew away, madly healing himself and going as fast as he could towards Vilgaxes last known location. Dennis can heal really well, but raising the dead is currently beyond him.

Around this time, Minion, from his recess in Rusty’s armour, grabs a potion of superior healing from Rusty’s pouch and pours it down his master’s throat. Rusty jumps up, grabs Horus’s body, and runs like hell. At the end of his run, he realises he still has a bonus action left over, so pours the second potion down Horus’s throat.

Horus immediately spins around and runs back toward the massive Nautiloid, launching fireballs as he goes.

In another area, The Captain is using Bigby’s Hand to save as many drowning villagers as he can manage. He saves some, he fails to save some. It’s the circle of life. Then he gets the Tree to Dimension Door him to where Horus is - and realises that Horus uses ranged attacks, while he needs to be quite a bit closer. So he jumps off the cliff and falls 100 feet onto the Nautiloid. Then he stabs it - hard. He does this under the effect of a potion of haste, so even though he misses a few times, he still gets two really solid hits and one critical.

Elsewhere, the orphanage is now undefended - Louie having lost his mind, Raymond dead, and Dennis trying to get Louie to Vilgax before it is way too late. The Mind Flayers demolish it, killing Sister Act and her chorus line of tearful little orphans. Why does a small hamlet of Harendon have so many orphans, anyway?

The rest of the hamlet is on fire, people running everywhere, it’s raining frogs and cats and dogs are living together. Truly it is the end of times.

Young Horus creates his first magic circle

Against all expectations - especially his own - young Horus manages to finish his magic circle, and the remaining Burrowdalians escape through it.

82 additional Burrowdalians saved. Including the 20 we saved last session, that’s 102 of a possible 150. We’re actually over 2/3 success. Not bad!

Young Horus and Cletus also escape through the portal, but somehow we are aware that the villagers have ended up somewhere, Cletus somewhere else, and young Horus somewhere else again. I suspect this has plot relevance, or Ethan needed to say it to explain continuity issues, or something.

The end times arrive

There is a long descriptive passage where Ethan tells in excruciating detail the fall of reality and the death of Burrowdale, as it transforms into some sort of eldritch nightmare.

The party takes this largely in stride - with the exception of Horus, we’re old hands at eldritch horror. Hell, a few of us are eldritch horrors. Horus is mentally approached by Jubilex, asking if maybe it is finally time for Horus to call on him to fix shit up. Horus, who is in a bit of a tizzy (as usual) declines, saying that one more lap of the time loop should do it. At this point, I don’t know why Jim called his character Horus instead of Ryan Romano.

That fucking Modron again

It comes from the plane of Mechanus and it has one eye. It’s a Modron with delusions of grandeur. The parties temporal point of view returns to the big cavern with the big modron, and we see the gears inside it spinning and - apparently - regenerating. This is a clue for later.

A crime is committed in a realm where all laws are known, all evidence is preserved, and all judges are incorruptible. Yet justice cannot be served. The criminal is guilty, the victim demands retribution, and the law is clear. Why does justice fail?

The party mostly thought this was a rhetorical question, or at least, something with relevance to Horus. Each player (not character) gets one attempt at an answer, and we’re warned not to just spam ideas. It was never made clear why, but for a change, the players play along.

Initiative! That fucking Modron gets a Nat 20, and wins. Then it is Rusty, Louie, The Captain, Dennis, Horus, Raymond and Gary, in that order. Vilgax takes his customary location at the bottom of the initiative ladder, so that he can fix whatever we fucked up that turn.

The Modron raises it’s hand and does 60 points of force damage to Dennis and Vilgax simultaneously, no roll to hit or save. Weak sauce.

Rusty shoots it with lightning. The first shot misses (pretty high AC!) but the second one hits. Minion shoots it with Shatter, but it Nat 20s its save, so no damage.

The Marut does a legendary action and places the entire cavern into temporal lockdown. Dennis and Louie were the only ones to save. No damage done, but wait for it, everyone.

Louie casts Spirit Shroud, taking a leaf from Horus’ playbook of lets not do any damage in the first round in the vague hope of hitting our straps later. Then he climbs aboard Raymond.

The Captain has to roll a d4 and a d100, which (due to dumb luck) has no apparent effect. Then he casts Grease, which astonishingly, works! The Marut falls down. The Marut starts casting a spell with it’s legendary action, but Louie Counterspells it.

Dennis hits it 5 times, but misses twice. One of the hits was a crit, though, which temporarily blinds the Marut and disables its automatic damage (that unavoidable 60 points of force damage) for one round. Nice!

Horus has to roll d4/d100. He gets teleported a fair way away, but manages to get close enough to Chill Touch the Marut, doing - nothing.

The Fuming Fey (he’s still here from 2 sessions ago!) gets teleported completely out of the room, but runs back inside and proceeds to smack the Marut around. Honestly, what happened here got pretty confusing. It seemed like this whole Fuming Fey with a Shadow Blade was the whole purpose of Horus’ build, but Jim read about it without fully understanding it and it took a while to work out what happened. In the end, we think it was probably pretty effective.

Raymond gets teleported out of the room on his turn, and starts bounding back.

Vilgax is also teleported out of the room, but he can Dimension Door so instantly returns and heals Dennis.

Our answers to the riddle were close but not correct. The Marut’s regeneration is reduced.

Round 2

The Marut, on its turn, prognosticates again:

Beware the sharpness of my edge. When standing on my infinite ledge. Fashioned made with a single long band. And see your right become the left hand.

Scott guesses circle (incorrect) and Dan guesses Mobious strip, which was correct. No regeneration for you this turn, Marut!

Then the Marut casts a spell and everyone in a 60’ cube (everyone except The Captain and Raymond, I think) takes damage and is stunned. This causes Louie to drop concentration on Spirit Shroud, so it did absolutely nothing. No surprise there.

Rusty rolls his d4/d100 and gets teleported about as far away as it is possible to go. In addition, he is stunned, and his movement is reduced to 0, so he just sits there.

Louie hits the Marut and crits it. No automatic damage next round either, loser!

The Captain is teleported, and once again rolls insanely and essentially stays where he is. He hits the Marut.

Dennis has a terrible round, missing 4 times and only hitting once. At least he isn’t randomly teleporting, and can’t be stunned.

Horus is teleported into room 3 (not as far as Rusty, but pretty far) and is stuck there because he is stunned.

Raymond is also teleported to room 3, so he picks up Horus and starts running back.

Gary gets teleported to room 2.

Vilgax gets teleported to room 4, and casts dispel magic on Rusty so he doesn’t randomly teleport any more. Rusty didn’t know you could do that, or he would have done it earlier this turn when he wasted his action. Horus probably would have, too.

End of play for the day

Before we all go home, the Marut has one last riddle for next session:

The base of binary, the first of my kind. Another even prime you will not find.

Dan says zero, but that’s obviously wrong. Scott says 2.

Enter the Marut

By order of Primus, Horus Hopkins are to be corrected from this timeline. You will come with me in order to be purged. Compliance is mandatory. Correction is not cruelty. The law of time is absolute, and you are its anomaly. The past is not a playground. Each footstep leaves a scar upon the world’s memory. Submit Immediately Horus Hopkins and your variables will not be harmed.

Horus: No?

Unacceptable answer.

As the Marut takes hostile steps in our direction, we see in the iris of the Marut’s central eye a flashing kaleidoscope of images; past, present and future flickering together - but somehow, we can clearly see every step on the path of time. We see Horus activating the Chronosphere, we see ourselves in the future. Horus is unconscious. We see: a cow with a cowbell to the left, a wild porcupine to the right, and we’re stuck in the middle with The Captain.

Stealers Wheel Cowbell

The Captain immediately moves toward the cow and starts tapping it’s cowbell with the hilt of his dagger, while singing “More Cowbell!” Rusty gives him a tinkered attachment that he can clip to the cow’s collar that will ring the cowbell in perpetuity.

Louie engages the porcupine in conversation, but can’t speak its language - so Rusty steps up as a trusty universal translator. Louie has a discussion with the porcupine about the Hedgehog Knights - the porcupine is a big fan - and he gives it one fine berry. “That is one fine berry” says the porcupine, and in return he tells us we should head to Burrowdale, northwards through the Whispering Thicket.

The Captain picks up the unconscious Horus, and we set off toward the north - but as he is leaving, he hears a voice from the area of the cowbell that says “Needs more Cowbell”. He turns back to see glitter in the air, setlling slowly to the ground around the cow. Every third ring, in mutters some additional aphorism and releases another ejaculation of glitter.

Interlude - young Horus

Young Horus is wasting his life, playing with partially deceased plants in a garden. He attempts to use Chronomancy to resurrect the poor experimental subject, but (just) botches his Arcana check, and istead brings it to some cursed balance where it is not quite dead, but not really alive either. Shrodinger’s Pansy. Horus probably messed this up because he was distractd by Gary, who is a duck again. An old Harendon approaches - Elder Willowmoon, young Horus’ mentor. She instructs the young rabbit to go to the highest hill near the village, and to construct a teleportation circle at the top of it. Apparently she got high on her mushrooms and the stars, or Selune, it’s unclear, told her that a refuge point would be needed.

Horus has never successfully created a teleportation circle before, nor is he anywhere close to the level required to do it - but why should he let that stop him? Taking his pop-up “My First Spellbook” with him, he and Gary march up the hill to get to work.

Nobody at all in the party recognised this as a transparent ploy to get young Horus out of the way to prevent a cataclysmic temporal contradiction from occurring when old Horus turns up.

To Hobbiton Barrowdale!

The party moves through the Whispering Thicket. It is appropriately atmospheric. We reach a half-buried archway with glowing runes partially obscured by vines and dirt. Rusty clears them away with Mage Hand (he’s finally learned some caution) and they are revealed to be in the shape of cute little bunny feet. The Captain sticks Horus’ hands and feet into each recess, and the portal opens up to a different place.

Just before entering the portal, Vilgax casts Disguise Self on himself, and transforms into The Captain’s evil twin. Possibly good twin? Which one has a mustache?

The Captain leads the way through the portal. It is like entering a burrow, then being ejected from the burrow, but in a different place. Ethan spends significant time describing Barrowdale, Dennis tuned out for most of it. Suffice to say it is a charming hamlet. Harendon families gather for the Carrot Festival. The Captain calls for help - “Help! I have an injured Harendon here!” A tall, lanky Harendon approaches and asks what happened to Horus, why is he so old, etc. The Captain says this is not Horus, it is the Ginger Ninja. The Harendon responds that no, it is Horus, and he should know. He is Horus’ best friend, Fucktail.

Fucktail?

“No, Flicktail! My name is Flicktail! Stop bullying me!”

Sure, whatever you say, Fucktail.

We follow him to the Giant Carrot Fountain. It was never explained whether it looks like a giant carrot, or is actually a fountain of carrots. There we find an old Harendon who asserts her name is Elder Willowmoon, and that she is a viewer of the stars. Louie spots the logical flaw in her statements, given that we are all underground. There is a lengthy diversion here.

Elder Willowmoon thn takes us to the Town Hall to see the mayor. The Town Hall is appropriately twee on the outside, and grand and imposing on the inside. Inside we meet Mayor Clover Bunnyhop, who is an idiot; Captain Dash Longear, the guard captain, and Mint Softwhisker, a local drug addict.

Elder Willowmoon addresses them: “Council, for generations we have been at peace beneath the watchful gaze of the stars. But I have felt a change coming. You dismiss these tales as fancies, but I tell you the Mind Flayers are rising. You have refused to recognise this for so long that it may be too late. But at the eleventh hour, outsiders have come to Burrowdale, bringing with them a future version of Horus. Please listen to them now, as you have not listened to me.”

Captain Longear and Mint listen with concern, but the Mayor is a grumpy bunny. “I am quite sick of your fearmongering. We are drawing close to the carrot festival, and this is a time for bonking, not thinking.” Typical rabbit. This is why we have stereotypes.

Young Horus, again.

The young version of Horus has, by now, reached the top of the hill. He lays his My First Popup Spellbook on the ground and painstakingly traces out the Teleportaion Circle. While he works, he notices a local farmer - a human called Cletus, separate from the Harendon colony but known to them. The farmer approaches, noticing that he is trying to trace out a magic circle, so he gifts him a Stick of Destiny, that he happened to be carrying around. Cletus says Elder Willowmoon sent him, and provides pointers on how best to get the circle correct. Horus, the flaming racist that he is, dismisses Cletus’ assistance and goes back to tracing in the dirt.

Where Everyone is persuasive.

The Captain waxes lyrical about how he has seen the horrors approaching, and that the town really needs to get its shit together.

Rusty, who was surprisingly persuasive, says that the Harendon need to band together and prepare to defend their homes.

Vilgax, disguised as Evil Captain, tells the elders:

The aliens are coming. They view all other species as lesser. They eat the brains of other species and perform foul experiments on them. They deal in slaves. They are not to be underestimated. I would hate for your people to be culled like cattle. Also, swashbuckling is awesome. Yaargh!

Vilgax is having issues getting into character.

This is good enough for Captain Longear: “I concur with Elder Willowmoon. I understand that you want to keep the towns spirits up, but the peoples morale does not matter if we all die.”

Mint agrees: “I agree”. “Oh, and if you are worried about the next election, I’ve got some drugs that will definitely help.”

The party wisely decides to temporarily ignore this plan to corruptly manipulate the results of a democratic process.

The mayor is shocked that his fellow councilors are against him, but like the seasoned politician/coward that he is, he adroitly changes his position. “Very well. As long as we don’t cause panic, we might as well prepare.”

He proceeds to extemporate on what can be done to prepare.

Quest list.

1. Gondor calls for Aid! Outsiders, use one of our ancient flares to warn and summon our nearby forest allies the Treants and Rock Golems. If there is an army coming for us, it wouldn’t hurt to have allies distract some of them to give us the advantage.
2. Flee! Women and Mayors first! I would recommend we begin preliminary evacuations at least for those that believe this warning. If these outsiders would be willing to locate and activate the mini pockets into the feywild within Burrowdale with cheeky, silly and mischievous behaviour, the guard could arrange packing and escorting the Burrowdalens.
3. Awaken Treebeard! Outsiders, I recommend we weaponize living Architecture. Turn the village’s bio-responsive tree-houses against the invaders by feeding them specific magical nutrients that make them hostile to alien presence. Make sure you imbue the nutrients with different types of magic and energy.
4. Mercenary Ogres If you deliver six sheep to the sheep masher clan atop the hill, they should honor our ancient treaty and in return, the ogres will provide their protection—and their mighty strength. Their help will be… invaluable in breaking down the alien ships’ armor. The ogres’ fury, properly directed, is a force few can withstand.

Oh, and Mint heals our unconscious old Horus with magic Thyme. He wakes up confused and paranoid, but that may not be from the magic crack he’s taken, Horus is just like that.

Flee Quest

That Captain runs around the town looking for mushroom rings, reasoning that they would indicate where the veil between worlds is thin. He finds one in the town square, and he whispers sweet nothings to it until a portal to the Feywild opens. Then he terrifies the nearby townsfolk into fleeing through the portal, but it closes after only 3 of them pass through. The Captain beseeches everyone to attempt to open more.

Side note: when the portal to the Feywild opened, some stray energy affected Rusty, and he spawned a crop of new Flumphs. He quickly packed his children off to the Magnificent Mansion, and set Wit to babysit them.

Louie does something unrecorded - and probably unmentionable - to the Carrot Fountain, and causes another portal to open there. Another 3 furries saved.

The Captain manages to open another portal - 3 more.

Rusty attempts to open a portal using “weird, silly and mischievous” behaviour by dressing up as a caricature of a robber, complete with mask and striped clothes, and stealing the 6 sheep we will need for the Mercenary Ogres quest. He even pantomimes the audience, and Pat the Sheep Farmer who he is stealing from, to keep quiet when the farmer catches him. Either it is impossible to multitask in Burrowdale, or Ethan didn’t even realize, but no portals open for Rusty.

When all the Feywild pockets have been found, we have managed to pack 12 myxamitosis ridden rabbits through to safety.

Mercenary Ogres

Rusty makes his way up the hill with 6 sheep in a comically large sack, and finds the ogre settlement. They throw rocks at us - miss - then want to arm wrestle. Louie decided to arm-wrestle, but forgets about his poison. The Ogre screams, then sulks. The Captain then arm wrestles with him, and crushes the ogre - after Rusty used Silvery Barbs to nullify the ogres natural 20. They take the sheep, and agree to honor the ancient treaty and come to Burrowdale’s aid.

The fires of Gondor are Lit!

We get the flares out of Louie’s portable hole, and they’re soaking wet. A quick Prestidigitation later, and they are toasty dry. Launch! The Treants and Golems presumably saw that.

Shit on the trees.

The trees of Burrowdale need to be awakened with different types of magical power. Everyone in the party donates some. Dennis donates Force. Louie donates Holy power. Everyone else chips in, but exactly what they donated is lost to time. Horus probably donated time. Anyway, the trees come to life. Woohoo!

What that all means

As a result of successfully completing all the quests, this is what happens:

• Because the Ogres are helping, the AC of the Nautiloids is reduced by the constant bombardment of thrown rocks.
• Because the Treats and Rock Golems are helping, this is simulated by every party member getting an extra action per turn. Basically, everyone is hasted.
• Because the Tree at the centre of the village is alive, every party member gets one action from the Baba Lysaga’s Creeping Hut stat block, but it can’t move.
• Because we opened all the available portals, there are 12 guaranteed survivors.

The Demise of the Mind Flayers

The Mind Flayers arrive in their Nautiloids. Initiative! Dennis finally gets to go first, with a Natural 20 for an adjusted 33. The Tree goes second, then Nautiloid 1, then The Captain, Rusty, Horus, Raymond, Louie, Nautiloid 2, Gary, Nautiloid 3 then Nautiloid 4.

Dennis is going to fuck some shit up! He flies over to Nautiloid 1 and gets out his Whip of massacring Abberations. With 2 full actions he can do 10 attacks with the whip alone, 2 of which were critical hits. In addition he uses his tree action to attack the ship too. By the end of that, it has lost more than 75% of its HP from some fucking fairy swinging a piece of string.

Then the tree has its go, and fucks that Nautiloid up some more.

Then it is the Nautloids go, and it’s captain wisely decides to hold nothing back, because he probably isn’t getting another go. He activates his Arcane Shield as a Legendary Action, which makes the ship immune to damage until the end of his next turn. Then he attacks the ground with his tentacles (he’s a little disoriented?) which sets one of the fields on fire and kills Pat the Sheep Farmer. He was an idiot with no sense of humour anyway. Next, the Nautiloid attacks the Tree. Lastly, the Nautiloid Warp Pulses Dennis, who shrugs it off and gives the ship captain the middle finger. Pathetic! This is when the ship captain realises he probably should have deferred that Legendary Action until after his turn, as the Nautiloid’s damage immunity now expires. Oops.

The Captain uses his tree action to Dimension Door himself onto the top of Nautiloid 1 and sneak attacks it with the intent of forcing open some of the copious damage Dennis has done to allow him to enter the ship. He succeeds! He gets inside and Critical Hits the ship captain with sneak attack damage, killing him instantly. The Captain takes command, and sails again!

Rusty notices an Intellect Devourer chasing some citizens, and he Lightning Bolts it. Then he moves into the tree to get line of sight to Nautiloid 2, and he fireballs it. Then he uses his tree attack to attack Nautiloid 2 as well, then he moves back a little so Nautiloid 2 no longer has line of sight to him.

Horus uses the tree to attack Nautiloid 2, and critical hits it. Then he runs to save a guard he sees being chased by an Intellect Devourer. Then he upcasts a 6th level spell slot Fireball at Nautiloid 2 just as it is ejecting Mind Flayer ground troops. Most of the Mind Flayers explode into ash, and the Nautiloid takes 50 fire damage.

Louie mounts Raymond and notices some civilians retreating into underground burrows. He sees Intellect Devourers also heading for the burrows, so he bounds over there and smashes them with his Morningstar. Twice. Then Raymond kills the last one with his mouth. Because he doesn’t want to lose any of the sweet 509 temp HP he still has from Arkhan the Cruel.

Some of the Mind Flayer ground troops proceed to kill a child, because we didn’t have enough of a reason yet. Nautiloid 2 smashes a building, but there wasn’t anyone in it, so no casualties from that.

Cletus, who is all the way over on the other side of the other map and not even in the initiative order, saves a bunch of citizens from being killed by Mind Flayers. Nautiloid 4 takes umbrage, and fires a blast a Cletus. It has him dead to rights. But Fucktail, in a moment of heroism that will be remembered throughout the ages, dives across the beam and knocks Cletus clear, saving Cletus’ life at the cost of his own. You will be remembered, Fucktail, a hero to the end. We salute you!

The score so far

20 citizens saved of 150. 5 dead.

Where we demand to see the manager.

Before we started the session proper - even before our intrepid correspondent was able to recap last session - the party fades from our extant reality and find ourselves moving to a higher plane.

At this point, we probably should have expected it.

A description of what happens was helpfully provided:

The air around your party shimmers and tears, reality folding like parchment as an overwhelming presence draws you from wherever you stood into a realm beyond mortal comprehension. The silence here is profound, broken only by the gentle hum of cosmic forces at work, and the air itself tastes of fun and contentment—clean, electric, and impossibly ancient.

You find yourselves in a vast crystalline chamber that seems to exist between dimensions—its walls pulse with the soft light of what you think are distant stars at first but actually are icosahedrons, while beneath your feet stretches a floor of polished obsidian with words that you don’t understand. You can see faint reflections of not your images, but glimpses of two men and women. The same man for Dennis and Rusty. You notice in front of you at first in the reflection a man in a blue suit and as you look upwards

As your eyes adjust to the crystalline chamber’s ethereal light, the space before you begins to shift and coalesce with purpose. The air itself seems to thicken, charged with an energy that makes your skin tingle and your souls resonate like struck bells. Reality bends, and from the convergence of starlight and shadow emerges a figure that defies every concept of divinity you have ever conceived.

Ao stands before you, yet “stands” seems inadequate—he exists in this space, filling it with presence while simultaneously appearing to extend beyond its boundaries into dimensions your minds cannot grasp. His form towers above you, easily twelve feet in height, draped in robes that seem woven from the fabric of night itself. The deep hood that shrouds his features casts shadows that appear to contain glimpses of distant galaxies, swirling nebulae, and the birth and death of stars.

Beneath the hood, where a face should be, you perceive not features but pure concept made manifest. Occasionally, flickers of light suggest the outline of eyes—ancient beyond measure, holding the weight of infinite knowledge and the burden of cosmic responsibility. When these glimpses appear, they seem to look not at you but through you, seeing every choice you’ve ever made, every path you’ve ever walked, and every possibility that stretches ahead.

His garments flow and ripple with their own cosmic wind, the fabric appearing to be cut from the void between worlds. As you watch, symbols and equations of unfathomable complexity occasionally surface across the material—the fundamental mathematics that govern existence itself, visible for mere moments before dissolving back into the endless black.

Most striking of all are the countless dice that orbit Ao’s form like loyal satellites. These are not ordinary dice—each one glows with inner light, crafted from materials that exist beyond mortal understanding. Some appear to be carved from crystallized starlight, others from solidified shadow, and still others from substances that hurt to look at directly.

Twenty-sided, six-sided, four-sided, and dice with faces you cannot count drift through the air around him, occasionally chiming like distant bells when they brush against each other. Each roll seems to determine some aspect of reality—a life, a death, a victory, a tragedy—the cosmic randomness that allows free will to exist within the structure of fate.

Further notes are added to fill the party in on world lore that the characters should know. The players probably should know it too, but we never pay attention.

Ao (pronounced “AY-oh”) is known as the Overgod of Abeir-Toril. He is also called “The Hidden One” or “The One Who Is Hidden” He exists above all other gods in the divine hierarchy.

Ao’s primary role is maintaining cosmic balance within Realmspace. He created the crystal sphere containing Abeir-Toril and governs it. After the Time of Troubles, Ao established that gods now depend on mortal worship for their power. The rule doesn’t apply to Ao himself - he needs no worship to exist. However it is rumored that Ao has a symbiotic relationship that requires 4 beings of immense willpower and a capabilities to maintain and allow the universe to exist and can only be destroyed at the discretion of the those 4 beings known as the members.. These members are always incarnated in some instance.

History has shown that Ao does not often get involved in the affairs of his universe he is simultaneously True Good, True Evil and True Neutral always working behind the scenes creating the barebones structure and foundation of everyones story and allowing the dice to fall where they may. The only times he does get involved is when he is heralding a new age such as after the time of troubles.

When he speaks, his voice resonates not through your ears but directly into your souls, carrying the weight of absolute cosmic law but also there seems to be a hint of being able to interrupt to talk shit, say something is stupid or make a silly joke.

We all work very hard to ensure our universe exists so we can experience it and weave tales of adventure. I want you to know I will be distracted at times and will require the members patience. But I as your Overgod must bring to my members attention that will affect the world as we know it, decipher this godsend so that I may imbue you each with wishes.

We are presented with this carved tablet of holy wisdom:

We spend about 20 minutes decoding it.

It turns out to say: “noos gnimoc tsruhgnol ybab ytrap ruo gninoij si rebmem wen a”.

But as we all know, Ao is a bit backward, so the message is obviously: “A new member is joining the party. Baby Longhurst is coming soon.”

Time was spent congratulating Selena.

Ao awards every player (not character) with a wish to use at some future time. In addition, he grants the party a unique magic item - a Potions Cache. Louie is tasked with managing it.

Back to adventure!

The Marut speaks! Oh, that’s right, he spouts occasional nonsense. What’s he talking about this time?

Your existence is illogical. You put everything at risk. Die Motherfucker.

That may be slightly paraphrased, but that was the gist.

Everyone in the room (which is Dennis, Louie and The Captain) take 45 radiant damage, and The Captain, who failed his Wisdom save, is stunned.

Rusty starts running flat out back to the fight, using his Expeditious Retreat spell, except he’s using it to advance. It’s against the spirit of the spell, but not the wording!

Louie is currently slowed, but he hits the Marut anyway, then runs into the corner and hides.

The Captain finally rolls badly on his d6/d100, and is teleported all the way to Room 4 (which Rusty just ran out of). He is also currently stunned, so his movement reduced to 0’. Rusty passes on the knowledge that Dispel Magic can be used to remove the random teleportation effect, but doesn’t turn back to actually help. Horus is there, he can handle it. The Captain (who can’t cast magic) drinks a Potion of Healing.

Louie, who is standing against the wall next to the room that The Captain is in, makes a spectacular perception roll to notice that The Captain’s aura is closeish, and that he is trying to make a save against that teleportation effect. He pulses his aura to a wider radius, bringing The Captain into range through the wall. The addition of his aura bonus, and a flash of genius from Rusty, lets The Captain save - he is no longer teleporting! Or stunned!

Dennis whips the ever-loving shit out of the Marut, then ducks over to the corner with Louie.

Horus and Gary get teleported to - Room 4! It’s the hot holiday destination, it seems. He casts Bless on The Captain and Rusty’s disappearing back end.

Vilgax follows that up by casting Haste on The Captain and Rusty’s butt.

The Marut has run out of riddles, and returns to the beginning (we never solved that one, so he reduce/reuse/recycles it - it’s the responsible thing to do).

A crime is committed in a realm where all laws are known, all evidence is preserved, and all judges are incorruptible. Yet justice cannot be served. The criminal is guilty, the victim demands retribution, and the law is clear. Why does justice fail?

We don’t fucking know. We couldn’t answer this before! We have a bit of a go, and I think we got close enough this time to prevent regeneration.

Then he absolutely murders Dennis, who drops.

Rusty, sprinting into the room like a low flying jet, fires lightning at the Marut, but misses every time. Bugger. The Marut, who had been ignoring Rusty, does not ignore the lightning bolts hitting the wall around him, and turns his focus on our intrepid artificer. That’s right, asshole, I’ve got your attention now, don’t I? You just wait until I get my eye in! The Marut apparently agrees, and uses a time manipulation power to force Rusty to use his next turn to repeat exactly what he did this turn. Oh. That’s maybe not so good.

Raymond was teleported away, but not far enough. He runs back in and starts swinging Blackrazor. Blackrazor, once released from Raymond’s gullet, recognises the Marut and is pissed. He hastes Raymond, so Raymond has another go at the Marut. He hits the Marut twice, and the Necrotic damage does double. The last hit was a crit, which blinds the Marut for next turn. Nice! The Marut responds with:

Marut components compromised. Taken substantial vulnerability damage. Must patch until next performance.

That, unfortunately, makes him immune to necrotic damage until his next turn.

Louie crawls over Dennis’ inert body to get to Raymond, but has the grace to pour a healing potion down Dennis’ gullet on the way. He climbs aboard Raymond.

The Captain starts running, but his full move doesn’t quite get him to where he wants to go. Then he feels an itch in his loins brain, and he accepts the mutation offered. He gets another turn, so he runs into the room and stabs the Marut. Then he hides.

The Marut casts Slow on everyone it can see, which is Dennis (fails), Rusty (saves), Raymond (fails) and Louie (saves).

Dennis hits the Marut twice (his action) and then uses his half move to get to where Louie is, where he takes advantage of Louie’s aura to save against the Slow effect.

At this point the Marut uses a Legendary Save to escape the tentacles he is tangled in. I do not recall when they were put there, but I’m pretty sure it was Horus and his creepy Warlock adjacent abilities. Gary casts Healing Spirits.

The Marut escapes from the tentacle location.

Rusty is forced to repeat his last turn, which was: run like a bastard; shoot the Marut. He does that - and even replicates last rounds result of missing every shot. Ha!

Louie hits the Marut, and crits it again, shutting down its automatic damage attack for another turn. Raymond hits once from three tries. The Marut, after taking Necrotic damage again, makes itself immune to Necrotic damage for another turn.

The Captain hits the Marut with sneak attacks, and casts Bane on the Marut, meaning it has -1d4 to attack rolls and saving throws.

Dennis has a go and hits 2 from 5 attempts.

Horus chronal shifts Raymond to let him hit again. He crits the Marut, and for some reason gets Lawnmower Manned. +3 Wisdom, and proficiency with Wisdom saving throws. Wow.

Horus then fireballs the Marut.

Vilgax heals Dennis.

The Marut regenerates, but the party argues the DM down on how much because his riddle was stupid.

Rusty is forced, once again, to repeat his actions from 2 turns ago. He runs until he runs into the northern wall, then shoots lightning at the Marut. It took 2 inspiration, but he manages to miss every shot.

Louie backs up a bit so he can shoot the Marut with his bow, then moves forward again so Raymond can hit it with Blackrazor. And does he hit it! He smacks the Marut like a bitch up and down the room, and the last swing goes right into the Marut’s eye.

As it dies, it says:

Turning yourselves in is the only reasonable choice. More will come.

Sure, you overgrown wind-up toy. We smashed you, we’ll smash your friends too.

Blackrazor is very happy indeed about murdering the Marut. Raymond gets 4 times when he can activate Haste when he wants to, instead of when Blackrazor wants to. Then black shadows flow out of Blackrazor and slide underneath each of the characters. Do we consent to the shadow?

Rusty heals Dennis, and Dennis consents to the shadow. Rusty sighs, but he also consents. The Captain eagerly consents, because he’s probably half Mind Flayer and half Demon by now. Horus is having an existential crisis - again - so it’s unclear if he consents or not. Vilgax steps out of the shadow - which is slightly concerning. Raymond consents.

Every character gets +1 to one skill of their choice. Everyone except Oriana and Minion get 100 temp HP.

What were we here for again?

We venture further into the complex. Rounding the corner of a corridor shows us the final chamber. It is eerily silent. There is a raised dais in the centre of the room with a grotesque control panel on its surface. The roof is a series of holographic displays, showing the simulated lives of the Revallians trapped in the sarcophagi around the edges of the room. Two Mind Flayers operate the control panel.

By this stage, we’re no loner in the mood to be careful or merciful. Louie races in and smashes the ankles of both the Mind Flayers. Dennis strikes one with his Astral Cord Whip, and actually decapitates it. The Captain thrusts his Rapier right through the other Mind Flayer’s skull, and then sucks its brain out through the hole. What’s good for the goose, etc. The Captain gets +1 Intelligence. Horus gets nausea. Vilgax throws up. Dennis offers his Mind Flayers head to The Captain too, but The Captain is getting a bit of reflux and politely declines.

Vilgax takes a look at the control panel, and says there are three options:

1. Disengage Security Protocols
2. Release
3. Purge.

Vilgax asks the party what he should do, and there’s a pregnant pause as everyone looks warily at The Captain, but he’s too burpy to say anything stupid. Vilgax releases the captives first, then attempts to purge their data from the core - but the system informs us that we cannot do so without DNA verification from Sinned.

Rusty finds some memory crystals, and proceeds to read the memories from them:

Rusty is in a room, surrounded by Mind Flayers. He feels compelled to obey their directives - but cannot recall why? The Mind Flayers were chanting low, impossible to understand phrases - oh no. They screamed “FUCK! FUCK! I FORGOT THE THING! FUCK!”

That is canon now.

Rusty pops out of the memories. The Revallians are all exiting their tubes with varying levels of coherence and grace. The Captain hears a scratching noise coming from outside the chamber, and we all turn to see the Marut, dragging itself with its arms into the chamber. As it reaches the room entrance, it says:

Self Destruct in 3..2..1..

The Captain uses Bigby’s Forceful Hand to try and push it out of the room. Raymond spits an eyeball at it.

What?

We’d all forgotten, but Raymond had not. Way back in Session 2, when we killed the Clockwork Beholder on Cyre 1313, we picked up a bunch of eyeballs that could be used to cast spells.

Raymond got one that could cast Forcecage, and that is what he just spat at the Marut’s body.

It was trapped inside the cage, then there was a brilliant flash of light. Once the internal temperature of the forcecage had dropped to a survivable level again, Raymond opened it up. That’s a lot of smelted Mizzium for Rusty.

In addition, Raymond gets +1 Intelligence for being MVP again.

Where should we put the Revallians?

Some of the Revallians are argumentative, but by this point the party are incredibly persuasive or intimidating god-like entities, and we whip them into line pretty smartly.

Esmerelda says that she hasn’t seen us for 15 months. Only a week or so has passed for us. Rusty does some quick math and determines there is a 100:1 time dilation effect. Esmerelda offers to take the Revallians out of the complex and camp where it is safe, where they will wait a while for us to finish up murdering Mind Flayers. Then we can all head back to Mordentshire. Sounds good to us.

Louie gives Stella the copy of “The Liches Love, A Necromantic Comedy” by Dr Sophie. Stella gives Dennis 5 instances of her special bleach, which is an instakill poison. Noice.

Come back next week for further adventures!

Where The Captain completely fails to inform his God that someone is impersonating them.

A sudden excursion

As the Marut approaches Horus with death in its eye, time slows. For once, this isn’t Horus’ fuckery, and it only appears to affect The Captain, Rusty, and Louie. They see a black gauntlet reaching for them.

The Captain appears to recognize the hand, and Rusty picks up on his willingness to be plucked out of space by the hands grasp on his collar. Rusty and Louie also agree to be handled this way.

The mini-party is pulled backwards through Mt Makab followed by multiple layers of reality. The Captain sees a vision of his time on the Dreadnaught, sailing the planar spaces as a happy little psychopomp. Emphasis on Psycho, I expect. Louie sees moonlight and werewolves. Rusty, not having any religion, sees an ill-defined afterlife, which only strengthens his conviction that the entire multiverse is very poorly managed and he needs to step up and organize things.

Arrival nearly where we’re needed

Flying through the planes is apparently exhausting, because Louie and Rusty have to make CON saves vs exhaustion, but both make their saves - after Louie burns 2 inspiration. The party crashes to earth in a bizarre landscape of scalding heat, blackened ground, rivers of blood, and flying cubes throughout the sky. While the party collects itself, two of the flying cubes slam together with a mighty crash. Louie and Rusty are filled with a premonition of doom - that not approaching the cubes would mean our deaths. The Captain, on the other hand, is filled with a conviction to move towards them.

Before the party is a wide, bloody river, which stretches to the horizon in either direction. Tortured souls can be seen inhabiting the river, flowing in both directions in contradiction of logic. Rusty looks on with interest, formulating several hypotheses, but is too sensible to test any of them. It’s pretty obviously the River Styx or a tributary, and touching that water while alive is pretty bad for your health. Unless you have a greek name, when for some reason it grants invulnerability. It’s a bit plot dependent.

The Captain regales us with knowledge from his days ferrying souls - the River Styx connects the Hells with the Abyss, and is used by both Devils and Demons as a means of transport to pursue their eternal Blood War. In defiance of logic, given that it is an endless river, it also terminates in Acheron. The Captain actually recognizes where we are - in Asalas in Acheron. It is said that Bane has a floating fortress here called the Banehold - the largest of the cubes floating above us.

Transport to the Manager

A boat approaches on the river before us. Piloting it is a creature out of nightmares, a haunting, crone-like figure with a blond highlight bob haircut. Rusty recognizes this figure, even though he thought they were creatures of legend - it is a Karen in the wild! It speaks to us in its horrifying, whining, wheedling voice:

Excuse me. I am Karen, and you need to cross this river.

Why?

Because that is what people usually do.

How much will it cost?

I need you each to tell me who you are in a single paragraph. And it’s Karen with a “C”!

Sorry, Charon. Anyway, we each tell our stories in expurgated form, and she welcomes us aboard. We each need to make Dex checks to do so without touching the rivers waters. Rusty says he’ll just use his boots of flying to fly into the boat, and that is when Ethan tells him that they aren’t working. Irritating, but better to find out now, I suppose.

During the passage across the river, The Captain casts Bane on Charon, and it turns out to be super-powered in this place. It literally sews her mouth shut. The trip is thus greatly improved. When we disembark, The Captain leaves it on her.

Cheating Death

We walk toward the Banehold. Travel through this space is contradictory - we get closer and further away at the same time. Eventually the view of the cube above us is clear enough that we can see it is shrouded in a cloud of black dust. On one face is an archway constructed of skulls with glowing eyes. As we reach the edge of the cliff, we see a giant black gauntlet appear. The Captain leaps into the gauntlets palm, and Louie and Rusty follow suit. It rises toward the cube. As we cross the archway’s threshold, we see a blackened metropolis stretch before us. It is packed with the souls of the evil dead - murderers, thieves and rapists. As we walk through their midst, it feels as though we are being guided. We can hear a hissing sound, and we turn to see a decrepit Yuan-ti, it scales rotting off and one eye hanging out of its socket.

Hello my friends. I can see that you are not really dead. Your souls are so pure.

Which just goes to show that if you spend long enough here, your benchmark for pure is shifted a bit.

I can increase your chances of avoiding death. All you must give me is some knowledge.

The Captain resorts to his usual bit of knowledge - 2 + 2 = 4. Rusty tells him that Abyssal Chicken hearts can be used as a material component for Winged Boots. Louie’s knowledge is not recorded. The result is that each of us has the relevant skill check (Arcana, mostly) reduced by -1, but in return we get one Death Save success permanently granted to our characters.

Meeting your Heroes

We travel further and reach a throne room. It is lit on either side with the purple flames from 6 blazing brassieres. Nice. Boobs. Sets the ambience, you know?

At the far end, lounging on the throne, is Bane. He looks like he has a hangover, one hand rubbing his temples and apparently in a bit of pain. He looks up, and his eyes lock on to The Captains. He smirks and says:

Captain. Thank you for answering my summons. My apologies for the late notice. It was sudden, but I had need of my black hand. Hopefully the journey wasn’t too hard.

You have caught me in a bit of a shameful position. I find myself with performance issues, if you will. It took a lot of my energy and power to present myself to you in the Shadowfell. You must be wondering why you are here. To be honest, I have no clue. I’m winging this.

That last bit might have been Ethan talking to himself.

If my information is correct, there is going to be an attack on my divinity any second now. I wanted to get you here earlier, but they will be here at any moment. There will be 3 of them, so I thought I should get my chosen here with his boon companions, and see how they perform.

I am ever a gracious God. I believe there should be give and take.

Cool gifts

He looks up and strokes his finger along the side of his throne. The metals stretches and extrudes like a liquid until it forms a wicked looking rapier. Bane tosses it to The Captain who burns another 2 inspiration to catch it, but finally gets a natural 20. Ethan is somewhat exasperated, because now he has to reward that, and so he allows The Captain to attune more closely to the evolutionary weapon.

This is an extension of myself. It is sentient - it might take it a while to warm to you.

It instantly bonds - it is a +3 Legendary Moonblade with locked runes all over it. One of them is unlocked because of the impressive flourish The Captain caught it with - it critical hits on a 19 or 20.

And what would the companions desire?

Louie asks for big Raymond frog to be here. Bane bids Louie to step forward and place his hand in Bane’s, and to cast a smite. He needs some energy to draw Raymond’s soul through the veils. Louie smites for 4d8 damage and gets 24. Pretty good roll. Bane focuses, and Raymond’s soul materializes. Raymond permanently has an additional 24 HP.

Bane then has a chat with Blackrazor. Apparently they are old buddies. Then he asks The Captain if Rusty deserves a boon. “Yes?” Bane speaks to Rusty:

Some spellcasters reach their peak and then taper off to mediocrity - but perhaps this will not be the case for you.

Rusty is imbued with power. He is empowered with one additional spell slot - one level above whatever his maximum spell slot level currently is. So right now, that is a 4th level slot. Rusty is looking forward to being the first Artificer with a 6th level slot, though that is a fair way off.

In addition, his armour starts to dent, and gemstones appear in the armour. Each gem contains the knowledge of one spell: Fireball, Ice Storm, Moonbeam, Lightning Bolt, Magic Mouth, and Greater Invisibility. Rusty now always has those spells prepared, and they do not count toward his prepared spells. He is also able to shuffle the spells around to select different ones at some point - which is good, because 3 of them are already on Rusty’s “always prepared” list (Fireball, Lightning Bolt and Greater Invisibility), and one of them - Moonbeam - isn’t a spell he can cast anyway. Though maybe now he can? Anyway, cool buff.

I assume you all feel imbued. My Bane-ites have been holding the attackers off, but they are about to break in. The expenditure of energy has caught Tiamat’s attention. She has sent her champions to kill me. Don’t Die.

Mortal Kombat

The throne room door opens to reveal a large red dragonborn wielding a large bone battle-axe and surrounded a greenish hue, coming from his…

“Butt.” Rusty tells him not to worry about irritable bowel syndrome, it affects a lot of people, especially as they get a bit older, and is nothing to be embarrassed about.

HAND! It’s coming from my HAND!

“Sure buddy. Your hand. Seriously, it’s OK, we’re not going to judge you for your senile incontinence.”

To his left is a Tortle with spikes on his shell, wielding a “staff”. It looks more like a Great Hammer with a head made of stylized skulls with more green gas coming out of their mouths.

“Good work bloke! Nice covering for your mate there. Really distracting where the green miamsa is coming from!”

On their right is a huge Minotaur, wielding two flaming scimitars.

“You might want to watch where you’re swinging that flame, buddy! That green stuff is probably packed with Methane, it’s pretty flammable.”

Looking a bit discombobulated by Rusty’s smack talk about his frankly abysmal stench, Arkhan - that’s apparently the Dragonborn’s name - pulls a sweaty, damp bit of paper out of his jockstrap, and uses the slightly degraded scroll to cast a spell. The Captain and Louie make their saves, but Raymond and Rusty fail, and are Polymorphed into Giant Apes.

Finally - silence.

Intiative!

Rusty gets a 28. Arkhan is next, then The Captain on 24. The Tortle is next, then Raymond on 19, Louie on 14, and the Minotaur, whose Dex is apparently his dump stat.

Round 1

Rusty moves forward until he is no longer at long range, and throws a rock at Arkhan, but misses.

Arkhan flies forward and points his green hand’s finger at The Captain and shoots him with a Finger of Death. The Captain fails his Con save and takes 51 points of damage. Then Arkhan shrinks and hides.

The Captain casts Bane on Torogar and Krull. Torogar is the Minotaur, and Krull is the Tortle. Then he shoots Torogar.

Krull casts Healing Word on Torogar, and lightning bolts Louie, Raymond and The Captain (who are conveniently standing in a line).

Raymond runs across the room and throws 2 rocks at Krull. He hits with the first, and crits with the second.

Louie shoots Krull - crit. We are all inspired by this cavalcade of damage, and get advantage on our next rolls.

Torogar charges across the room and gores Louie - crit, but Louie doesn’t take crits. Suck it, Torogar. On his travel across the room he passes Rusty who does an opportunity attack with his fists, but it doesn’t appear to do anything.

Round 2

Rusty runs over to Krull and smashes him with his big ape fists. First hit is a crit, and the second is just a normal hit, but he does enough damage to kill him. Rusty and Raymond are granted the ability to speak, but only to say one thing: “Apes together STRONG!”

Arkhan flies back to Krull, and casts Revivify on him, then Sanctuary.

The Captain casts Bigby’s Hand, tries to hit Krull with it but fails his Wis save against Sanctuary, so hits Arkhan instead. 69 force damage. Then he hides.

Krull attempts to Heal himself. Louie Counterspells. Arkhan Counterspells Louie’s Counterspell; Krull’s Heal goes off. He stands up and thanks Arkhan for saving him.

Raymond throws a rock at Krull and hits (Krull has cast a spell, so Sanctuary is over). Then he does it again, and runs over to where Louie is.

Louie mounts Raymond and hits Torogar, but it doesn’t appear to do anything. This guy is immune to damage! Louie and Raymond move away from Torogar.

Torogar closes the range again, and crits Louie again - sorry, he still doesn’t take crits. Then he misses twice.

Round 3

Rusty hits Krull once, and misses once. Bane flicks a finger at Rusty, hasting him. Nice! He hits Krull again, and then another miss.

Arkhan uses a legendary action to shoot Louie with Finger of Death for 60 damage, dropping him. Then he uses his action to hit Rusty with something that does a bunch of damage, and stuns him. It’s an Int save, and as a Giant Ape, Rusty isn’t making that save without a natural 20, so he’s stunned for the forseeable future.

The Captain shoots Krull twice, dropping him again - but Death Ward activates. Then The Captain uses his bonus action to swat Krull with Bigby’s hand, and smears him to a thin paste on the ground.

Raymond hits Torogar with Blackrazor, and does a crit. Still no damage, but the critical hit special effect is to disarm, so all the damage is applied to one of Torogar’s scimitars, which shatters. Then he runs toward The Captain, taking Louie’s unconscious body with him. Torogar hits him as he leaves.

Torogar runs over to Louie, and hits him twice, killing him. Then he rips one of his legs off, and waves it around like a trophy. Dude, we were going to kill you anyway - now we’re just going to do it harder.

Round 4

Rusty tries to hit Arkhan - misses - then tries to save, and fails.

Arkhan flies over and hits The Captain and Raymond with some AoE attack. The Captain saves, but Raymond doesn’t and flies into the air, before falling back to earth taking 49 fall damage. It’s almost like Ethan allowed Arkhan to cast Reverse Gravity as an instantaneous spell so it wouldn’t take his concentration, that he is using on Mass Polymorph. But that can’t be right.

The Captain attacks Arkhan with his fancy new Rapier. He hits twice for 43 and 34 HP, then he hides.

Raymond throws rocks at Arkhan. First rock does 37HP, but Arkhan is resistant to non-magical damage. Second rock crits (we are on fire tonight!). It does 72 and causes Arkhan to lose his next action.

Torogar can’t see The Captain, so he hits Raymond, doing 33 slashing and 4 fire with his scimitar, followed by 69 from his gore. This is enough to turn Raymond back into a frog.

Oriana sneaks over to Torogar while this is happening and uses Sovereign Glue to glue Torogar’s hooves to the floor - but it normally takes 1 minute to set, so now we have to wait.

But we don’t have to wait long, because Arkhan spots Oriana and uses a Legendary Action to shoot her with Frostbite. Oriana makes her CON save and dodges, but the missed shot hits the Sovereign Glue, instantly setting it. Firstly, awesome. Secondly, it is now canon that we can use cold damage to instantly set Sovereign Glue. That may come in handy at some future time. Torogar is now fixed in place, and we all back away.

Round 5

Rusty loots Krulls body, given that he’s unable to move (stunned) and it’s right next to him. One of the things he picks up is Krull’s hammer, so he throws it at Arkhan as hard as he can. 25 damage, and Arkhan finally fails his concentration check, and Rusty turns back into himself. As himself, that Int save at the end of his turn is child’s play, and he unstuns himself.

Arkhan misty steps away and hides.

The Captain ignores Arkhan’s feeble attempts at subterfuge, instantly spots where he is, and strolls over and hits him twice with his Rapier. Then he bitch-smacks him with Bigby’s Hand, for a critical hit. He uses the Malevolent Metadice to change one of the d8 damage dice to a d20, and does 175 Force damage. The crit card (Wizard) gives him another set of damage dice, for an additional 56 Force damage. Astonishingly, this isn’t enough!

Arkhan uses Legendary Action to shoot Raymond with a Finger of Death, doing 56 necrotic. This guy has an issue with amphibians, apparently.

Raymond tosses Louie’s body in Rusty’s direction, and hits Arkhon with Blackrazor.

Torogar can’t move, has no ranged attacks, and nobody is in melee range. His Rage drops, and the metallic sheen of his skin disappears. Oops. Looks like beef is back on the menu, boys!

Round 6

Rusty casts a Quickened Revivify on Louie, followed by a 4th level Cure Wounds.

Arkhan casts Power Word Kill at Louie (seriously, did a frog f*ck your Mom or something?), but Bane casually Counterspells it. Then Bane casts Regenerate on Louie, and his leg grows back.

The Captain stabs Arkhan again.

Raymond hits Arkhan.

Louie hits Arkham.

Arkhan uses Reverse Gravity again.

Round 7

Rusty shoots Arkhan with lightning.

Arkhan casts Tasha’s Hideous Laughter, and disables The Captain.

The Captain makes his save with an assist of Flash of Genius from Rusty.

Raymond hits Arkhan, and that’s finally enough damage. He dies and Blackrazor eats his soul. Raymond gets 509 temp hit points, which is a good thing because he was down to 1HP. This was upsetting to Ethan.

Bane tidies up by giving Torogar the evil eye, which is nothing to be laughed about if it’s Bane doing it. Torogar explodes.

Loot!

Bane takes Arkhan’s glowing green hand, which turns out to be the Hand of Vecna. But he lets us keep the other stuff.

From Torogar’s remains we get:

• Gauntlets of Flaming Fury
• Belt of Fire Giant Strength

From Krull, we get:

• That skull hammer, which turns out to be a wand, that lets you ignore necrotic damage resistance.

From Arkhan, we get:

• Legendary Fane Eater
• Legendary Obsidian Flint Dragon Plate Armour
• +1 Shield

There’s no place like home!

Bane returns us to the exact time and place we left, but with some cool new stuff.

What’s better than one swarm? LOTS of swarms!

But let’s just get the first one out of the way. Combat with the Psychic Parasites!

Round 1

Horus firebolts them. They appear to take normal damage from that.

The Captain shoots them with an arrow. They appear to be resistant to the piercing damage, but vulnerable to the subsequent thunder damage.

Rusty hits them with lightning - they appear to be resistant. Minion pops up out of his shoulder cubby hole on Rusty’s armour and hits them with Shatter. Feel the Thunder!

The Parasite swarm does a legendary action to blanket the party with psychic interference. Horus, Louie and Raymond fail their saves - Vilgax casts silvery barbs to give Louie and Raymond another go, this time Raymond succeeds. Rusty and The Captain are immune because of their psychic invisibility.

Raymond holds his action until the swarm comes within range.

The swarm obligingly closes the range on its turn, and Raymond clobbers them with his held action. The swarm hit The Captain and Rusty for pretty solid damage (apparently they don’t like people ignoring their psychic babbles).

Louie finally gets to pull out his Abjure the Extraplanar and turns them. Rather than let them run away for one minute and then come back, Ethan gives everyone one free hit. Dennis bites, Rusty and Minion both shatter, The Captain does a sneak attack, Louie Thunderous Smites and Raymond hits them with Blackrazor. Not sure what Horus did, but we messed them up pretty bad. We have them on the ropes now!

Dennis steps up to the plate with a flurry of blows and beats the crap out of the remaining swarm members.

The swarm gets off one dying legendary action and does 13d10 psychic damage to anyone who failed their save (Dennis, for one). Ouch. Ethan rolled 83, which is 11.5 over the average. Nice rolling.

The Captain gets another sneak attack, and kills the last remaining 3 parasites with a single arrow. Nice one, Legolas!

End Combat

Rusty notices that the veil is underlined with glyphs, that spell his own psychic signature. Huh. Weird.

Horus finds a whispering shard. It says a number of things - “Sailor for the Raven whilst wearing a black hand.” “How could you do that to Selune? How could you allow the slaughter of all those Weresharks?” “Stupid floating architect. Turning on us. Builds this, then turns on us.” Horus drops the shard into a jar, and gets a Commune Jar. It allows him to cast Commune once per day.

To Vilgax’s vast relief, the party finally takes a long rest inside Rusty’s mansion. Before we rest, Dr Alaris asks us all to come to dinner, where we eat and stare at each other uncomfortably. I mean, we work together, but we don’t socialize with one another. Everyone gets the effects of a Heroes Feast.

Dreams

We go to our own rooms for a nap. Everyone gets to decorate their room to their own preferences - I don’t know who decided that, Rusty sure as hell doesn’t think his guests should be comfortable. Anyway, we all get inspiration for describing our rooms.

The Captain dreams of sailing on the high seas on his beloved Dreadnaught.

Horus dreams of an idyllic landscape.

Raymond dreams of swarms, which was either: a memory of the fight just gone; highly prophetic; or just wish fulfillment regarding insects. When he wakes there is an insect in his room, which he eats.

Rusty dreams of artificer projects, done, still unfinished, and ones yet to be planned. When he wakes, he has a Secret Chest, which stores things in the Ethereal Plane. Basically a Leomunds Secret Chest. Cool.

Dennis dreams of being surrounded by defeated foes, a vast plain of dead enemies. When he wakes, he finds he is under the effects of Death Ward.

Louie dreams of infinitely regressing watchers. That answers the age old question “Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?” He wakes to find himself in a ruined city in Mordent, but when he blinks, he’s back in his room in the mansion.

After all that, we reconvene and the party sees that Rusty has modified his armour. It is now smaller and sleeker, with less obvious space inside, and armoured tentacles extrude from the back. Plus it looks a bit like a cat, so people will be fooled into thinking he is a Tabaxi Paladin or something.

Horus has no chill

We exit the Mansion, and find ourselves in total darkness, despite everyone except The Captain having Darkvision. In the distance there is a square of light. Ignoring centuries of advice given by well meaning relatives, we go towards the light. Nearing it, we see it is square, and seems to be a window to another place. In the other place there is an altar. Upon the altar lies a bone dagger, and a phial holding an Illythid tadpole. Beside the altar stands a Thrall.

There are carvings on the walls around the altar showing Thralls willingly offering up their minds for ceremorph implantation. This seems like very obvious self-serving propaganda to me, but what do I know?

The Captain touches the screen. The Thrall in the image walks to the location on the screen that The Captain touched. The Captain touches the dagger and an option dialog appears - “Pick up”, “Throw”, “Attack”. The Captain nopes out of there and leaves it to anybody other than him, so Horus steps up to the plate.

It is around this time that we notice that the walls around the party have started to close in. This adds a soucon of urgency. Horus starts playing in earnest, while Rusty prepares to Plane Shift everyone out of there, if needed. Horus, determining that this screen thing is obviously a game and not real, decides that there are no moral consequences and forces the Thrall to cut the top of his own head off and shove the tadpole inside. No idea why cutting the skull off was necessary, but it’s a game, right? The moment the Thrall is fully implanted, the walls stop.

While this was happening, Dennis was hearing Sinned’s voice. Only Dennis, initially, until Ethan was reminded that Rusty can eavesdrop on telepathic conversations that happen within 30’. Suddenly, Rusty could hear too.

Once the walls stop, a dark version of Dennis appears on the screen and starts calling the party out for having no morals. What a wanker. If you force someone, literally under pain of death, to do something, the moral weight lies not upon them, but upon you for forcing them into that situation. The people running this show are ethical cretins.

At this point, the roof falls in. Most of the party manage to avoid the falling rubble, with the exception of Rusty and Raymond. The party immediately starts to furiously dig them out. Rusty plane shifts to the ethereal, takes a close look at where Raymond is, exits the rubble mound, plane shifts back in, digs until he finds a place where he can stretch a tentacle in to touch Raymond, and plane shifts both of them to the Ethereal.

Into the Veil

We enter the veil. Rusty has a vision of himself, surrounded by Mind Flayers, constructing a door. He shakes off the vision, but can still see the door. The door has a riddle on it. Rusty immediately knows the answer is Maanzecorian. The door opens. Beyond it lies a throbbing passageway, lined with indestructible pods containing the Revallians.

If they could make indestructible pods, why not put the growing Mind Flayers and Intellect Devourers - that we have been killing in job lots - inside them? Why only the relatively worthless Revallians?

Apparently we have to move through the complex until we can find the control panel that can open these pods. We move through the complex, until suddenly we are in a room filled with Mind Flayers. I think there were 36. Initiative!

Horus gets 37. What the hell, Horus. Raymond only gets 20-something, but it was with a natural 20, so that puts him up there just behind Horus. Rusty gets 33, The Captain gets 29, Dennis gets 27 and Louie gets 19.

The mind flayers, for bullshit reasons, don’t even roll - they just get to go between each of us, in batches of 6. So this means that 30 of them will get to act on a higher initiative than it is possible for them to actually roll. Anyway.

Horus decides that actually doing damage is for losers, and casts a flurry of completely useless spells. Arcane Abeyance wrapping up a Shadow Blade, then Summon Fey summoning a Fuming Fey, then the Fuming Fey uses its action to immediately break the Arcane Abeyance and get a shadow blade. Not only did all of this do nothing, it burned Louie’s reaction and Counterspell stopping the Mind Flayers from Counterspelling it.

The Mind Flayers then beat on us for a bit.

Raymond hits a Mind Flayer with Blackrazor twice.

The Mind Flayers beat on us a bit more, and one of them tries to dominate the Fuming Fey, but it makes its save with room to spare. The Fuming Fey uses its reaction to being hit to hit back, but misses.

Rusty casts a subtle Fireball (he learned from the Counterspells flying about) and nukes half the Mind Flayers, breaking their concentration on something. Minion pops up from his armour shoulder mount, fires Shatter at another bunch, and ducks back inside.

The Mind Flayers have another go at us.

The Captain stabs a Mind Flayer and disengages, but fails to hide. What? How?

The Mind Flayers have another go, and one of them summons 86 snakes to bite The Captain. It’s not as effective as you would expect.

Dennis starts swinging, and rolls a blinder. He stuns the first one, instakills the second with a critical hit with the Astral Whip, paralyzes two, then instakills the last one with another critical.

The Mind Flayers beat on us again, and Raymond fails his save vs Mind Whip and is stunned.

Louie hits one of the paralyzed Mind Flayers for an automatic critical and does 64 points of damage.

At this point, we hear a rising whine. Something like that, anyway - Ethan’s special effects were fighting with his noise reduction algorithm, and only about 40% was getting through. Anyway, I’m pretty sure it was meant to be reminiscent of the sound of a falling atomic bomb, because that’s pretty much what happened. There is a blinding light, lots of noise, a blast in our faces, and when the dust cleared, no more Mind Flayers. That’s disappointing - we were just getting a roll on! I’m almost certain Horus would have contributed some damage this round!

Standing in the centre of the resulting crater is a Marut. It’s apparently upset with Horus. We couldn’t hear most of what it said, nominally because the blast blew out our eardrums, but actually because Ethan was still having audio issues. We find out later exactly what it said:

Temporal anomaly detected. Unauthorized manipulation of causality. Such chaos cannot be tolerated.

By order of Primus, you are to be corrected from this timeline. You will come with me in order to be purged. Compliance is mandatory.

End scene.

Kill ‘em all, let the Gods sort them out

As the party makes it way to the original room of the Dr Alaris’ complex, she says:

If Sinned is aware that we are here, then time is of the essence. Perhaps we should go through the brain door and get the items we need. Alternatively, we can go to the Incubation Dome and kill some of my abominations. There are enough herbs in my rom to make a toxin that we should be able to use to overcome Sinned’s poison resistance.

The Captain says we go full Murderhobo and head to the Incubation Dome.

Rusty then makes the mistake of asking the party for input about what attunement slots they have open, thinking that he could craft a few Rings of Mind Shielding. This led to a critical overload of analysis paralysis across the whole party, and stalled all progress for a not inconsiderable time. In the end, Rusty gave up and we did nothing. On to the Dome!

We go through the Cloning Room. Unexpectedly, it is a perfectly normal room with nothing weird at all in it. The only thing even slightly out of the ordinary is a normal looking treasure chest in the corner - and the only odd thing about it is how normal it looks. The party is instantly suspicious, and The Captain throws a rock at it. Even more unexpectedly, our suspicions are instantly proven correct, as the chest transforms into a Mimic. The party starts to spin up its Mimic smashing equipment, but the Mimic informs us hurriedly that it doesn’t want to eat us - it collects memories, and if we tell it a good enough story, we can freely pass.

The Mimic

The mimic’s name is Memoir, and The Captain is first to tell a story.

Memoir thinks this story is touching, and grants The Captain permission to pass - but first, he gobs something up onto the end of his tongue, and tells The Captain to take it. The Captain does, and receives 4 doses of Sovereign Glue.

Horus steps forward.

Memoir has a low bar for entertainment, because he thinks this is also a gripping emotional tale of doomed hardship. (DOOMED!) Horus gets 2 doses of Universal Solvent.

Dennis is up next.

Of course Mimic is horrified by the rampant rule breaking, and rewards Dennis with 4 Potions of Oil of Etherealness.

Louie wants some of this action.

Memoir loves this, and rewards Louie with 4 Potions of Psionic Fortitude

Rusty also tells a story, but it isn’t recorded which one. He is rewarded with one Potion of Invulnerability.

Return to Thunder (Incubation) Dome

The door beyond Memoir is suspiciously normal. Dennis is bored by now and doesn’t care - he just goes straight up to it and opens it, the reckless fool! Nothing happens. Behind it are 2 corridors, labelled with their destinations. To the left is the “Incubation Dome”. To the right is the “Intellect Devourer Preserve”. The party heads to the left.

We enter a dome-shaped room with glowing sacs suspended from the ceiling. Lines of ooze leak from the sacs and trail to the floor, where they form pools of hideous goop. Suspended inside each sac are Intellect Devourers. In the center of the room is a Psionic Pedestal. On the far side of the room is another corridor, leading onwards.

The party, having just been told all this, are now required to make Athletics/Acrobatics skill checks to not walk into the pools of obviously toxic goop. Everyone succeeds, to the astonishment of all and great disappointment of Ethan. Nothing happens.

We rationally discuss what we should do at this point, and collaboratively decide that we, as a group, should adhere to our collective principles, and murder every sac in the place. The Captain, assuming his traditional role as CEO, just stabs one. He does kill it, but takes 30 points of poison damage for his trouble. This starts an avalanche of different and interesting ways to kill Intellect Devourers. Rusty backs up to the entryway and fires lightning at them. Louie, leaning into his immunity to poison, stats smashing them with his Morningstar. Horus finds somewhere protected and starts spamming Ray of Frost.

Vilgax wanders up to the Psionic Pedestal, and informs the party that there are a number of controls available: “Implant DNA Markers”, “Activate” and “Terminate”. He asks if he should press any of them. The Captain, possibly distracted whilst scrubbing all the poison off, immediately says “All of them!”.

In Vilgax’s defence, he does ask if The Captain is sure, and even makes the same query of the rest of the party. The rest of the party is too stunned by The Captains audacity, and The Captain never changes his mind, so OK. They are all pressed.

The Pedestal immediately starts to glow and melts entirely, doing 6 points of poison damage to Vilgax. All of the remaining sacs (12 in all) start to swell, shrink, change colour, and then split open, ejecting the infant Intellect Devourers onto the floor - dead. The party breathes a sigh of relief.

The the Intellect Devourers stand up, and get a surprise round, because nobody saw this coming. Louie takes 5 slashing and another 34 radiant from a divine smite. Another one builds a weapon from scrap and uses it to shoot Rusty, but misses. A third punches Dennis (what with?) for 4 points of force damage, but Dennis makes his save and is not stunned.

Initiative!

Horus first on 30, then The Captain on 28 and Rusty on 26. Raymond comes next on 22, then Louie on 21.

Round 1

It is not recorded what Horus did. The Captain stabs 2, one of them dies (again). Then he hides.

An Intellect Devourer touches Dennis, but there is no effect because Ethan forgot Dennis was immune to poison.

Rusty lightnings some Intellect Devourers, then uses up all his sorcery points (he hasn’t had a chance to use them, OK?) to quicken and twin a Chaos Bolt. The second bolt twins again, so he manages to damage 3 Devourers.

An Intellect Devourer has a go at Louie, but passed too close to The Captain who kills it with an opportunity attack.

Raymond clobbers another one twice and kills it. Blackrazor uses the soul energy to cast Haste on Raymond, so he has another go on a few of the Devourers near Rusty.

A Devourer punches Horus for 2 force damage, and Horus also makes his save vs stunning. Louie hits the Devourer.

Another Devourer shadow steps inside Rusty’s armour, and hits him for 28 sneak attack damage and another 29 divine smite damage.

Dennis goes off and kills 3 on his turn.

The Intellect Devourer inside Rusty’s armour gets another turn, because why not, and does another 16 sneak attack damage, because Rusty doesn’t know he’s there, right? This is enough to drop Rusty. It then hits him 2 more times to burn through 2 of his death saves.

Round 2

Horus kills the last visible Intellect Devourer, and the party then looks around counting on their fingers. The Devourer inside Rusty’s armour attempts to impersonate Rusty’s telepathic voice and says “What now, fellow adventurers?” This would have been a great tactic, except for 2 things: one, The Captain, with his Ring of Mind Shielding, had accepted communication from Rusty but not the Devourer - so he didn’t hear it, which caused some confusion.

And two, Minion, who has been residing in his space inside Rusty’s armour all this time, takes action and hits the Eject button, shoving Rusty, The Intellect Devourer and Minion out onto the floor. The Captain feeds Rusty a healing potion while Raymond stomps the Intellect Devourer. Rusty, as a temporary measure, fills the spaces in his armour with caltrops. This is not the last we will hear about this.

Combat over.

The way is shut. It was made by the Dead, and the Dead keep it.

Horus finds some memory shard on the floor. Dr Alaris informs the party the Sinned has locked the pathways from the Intellect Devourer reserve and to the Neural Extraction chamber. There’s nothing for it now, we’ll have to travel through the Revallian prison to proceed. Vilgax mentions that we should probably have a rest. We ignore him and go to free the Revallians. Vilgax casts Heal on Rusty and Horus, and checks with The Captain whether is was actually OK that he pushed all the buttons. Don’t worry, Vilgax - we love hitting shit.

We return to the initial larval room, to the brain door. It senses us coming and ushes over Dr Alaris, and then opens. We go through to the next chamber. It smells of antiseptic. The floor is slippery, and bright lights illuminate the space. The room is filled with pods, each containing a mutating creature inside. The Captain’s head itches, probably because it’s been a long time since we washed and his dandruff is acting up. In the center of the room is a control panel, and on e wall is covered with a grotesque mural.

Leading from the room is a line of 3 Mind Flayer statues. Each statue has a hole in the front of it. One statue is holding shears, another grasps a geode, and the last one a sheet of parchment.

Rusty gets a sense of deja vu from the patterns of psychic energy embedded in the walls - they seem familiar, almost as if he had designed them. He reads the mural.

Vilgax leads The Captain over to the control panel and shows him the controls.

After some back and forth, the decision is made to recycle all the Mind Flayers growing in the room.

Louie checks out the statues. He tries putting the shears in the hole of the statue holding the shears, and takes 36 psychic damage for his trouble. Learning from his error, he puts the geode into the hole of the shears statue. This doesn’t cause psychic damage, and provides him with a key, which encourages him to greater heights of idiocy. He puts the parchment into the hole of the geode statue, and gets another key. Lastly, he puts the shears into the hole in the parchment statue. Another key!

We head downstairs, where we find a corridor formed from preserved tongues, whispering secrets. Rusty and Louie listen, while Dennis, Horus and The Captain attempt to close their ears. Dennis, Horus and Louie are all required to make saves vs exhaustion, which they all succeed at. Accordingly, they are OK. Rusty and Louie each get one level of exhaustion automatically, and have to save vs a second - which they both succeed at.

If there isn’t some sort of Dennis-terminator coming up, I will be disappointed.

Dr Alaris points to the right, and says “That way lies the Thrall Warrens, followed by the Guardian of Hesh. To the left lies the hall of Memories, followed by the Revellian pods.” To the left we shall go!

Before us is a door, with a riddle: “I speak without tongue, I hear without ears, my words are felt, not heard. What am I?” Psionics, you are psionics. We’re getting good at this, and anyway, the answer is always psionics.

Oh my god, the Hall of Memories.

Buckle up, everyone.

Horus sees a mural on the wall.

Rusty can see a pneumatic index near the entrance. It is a catalog. Rusty peruses the index. He sees there is an entry of a woman in an icy tundra walking toward a town hall. People are cheering. Rusty tries to make out what they are saying - “Thank the Gods for the Forfanage! Blessed times aboard Dunmanifestin!” She goes into her office and stands before a mirror. The image flickers - it reveals that she is a Mind Flayer in disguise!

In the center of the room are depressions in the stone, shaped like the various members of the party. As each party member lays down in their depression, a voice calls out: “Truth lies hidden within falsehood. Identify what, or if, there are any details wrong with your memories.”

Round 1

Horus thinks this memory is accurate.

Rusty thinks there are errors - he was raised in a forest, not a cave.

The Captain notices some discrepancies: he was not afraid at the beginning, and he didn’t shout “The Dreadnaught”, he whispered it.

Louie thinks the whole first memory was fabricated and thinks he was alone very early and doesn’t remember it well.

Dennis thinks he would have drained them till they were brain dead but there wouldn’t be blood.

Round 2

Horus thinks it’s true.

Rusty thinks the shadowy form may be untrue, but also he couldn’t remember.

Captain thinks it’s true.

Louie not convinced that the power comes from Zhakata’s wrath, he also is not relieved of the something greater but more questioning as to why.

Dennis thinks the memory is true except the illithids.

Round 3

Horus thinks lack of Gary is untrue.

Rusty thinks it’s unlikely. He is not convinced that that memory is real at all.

The Captain thinks its true, he had a relationship with Jasmine.

Louie can believe it, it happens multiple times and is disappointing.

Dennis thinks that his writing is unimpressive to S.

Round 4

Horus thinks the staff is bullshit, he is using his flayer slayer. Horus knows how much power knowledge has so while he may of felt a little bad, he did what had to be done.

The Captain thinks its true.

Louie thinks its real and is annoyed at lack of silver weapons.

Dennis thinks its plausible.

Round 5

Horus thinks the relationship is bullshit, but they were probably a close friend/companion. At lease he has Gary.

The Captain thinks it’s all true and spicy.

Louie thinks it might of happened, possible more than he did with Van Richten. He doesn’t place his worth on Ezmerelda or Van Richten. He doesn’t worship them but appreciate them. The situation he experienced as a kid with his divine magic just encourages questions and understanding rather than self worth issues.

I hope you read EVERY DAMN WORD!

As the last memory is absorbed, they click together, forming a veil of green light. Trapped within the light, we see the Revellians we have come to save. On the far side of the veil, psychic parasites attack!

Tune in next week folks, for the next gripping installment!

The first one’s free.

We start the day in a macabre wine cellar, where a Illythid bartender is attempting to convince us to try his brain matter drinks. He has a bottle of Elf, another bottle of Tiefling, and lastly a bottle of Dwarf. Disgusting. Initiative!

Raymond, predictably, goes first on 28, followed by Gary on 26, Rusty on 23, The Captain also on 23, Horus on 21, the bartender on 16, then Louie on 12.

Round 1

Raymond leaps into action with Blackrazor - but misses. He hits on his second go, though.

Rusty never got to use the Cerebral Circlet last time, so he lets fly with it now. 30 HP and stunned! He mocks Dennis - he’s not special now!

The Captain then shishkebabs the stunned bartender, poking his brain out through the top of his skull on the end of The Captain’s rapier.

Combat over!

On the body we find some sort of Rope Candy brain matter. Eeew. That’s a material component for crafting, though, so Rusty picks it up. He also gets a very nice corkscrew.

Horus picks up the bottle of elf brain wine and starts inspecting it. It smells of cinnamon and loam. The Captain throws the bottle of Dwarf at the wall, where it smashes and slides slowly down toward the floor like a pinkish custard.

There is a mural, which the party reads:

Final Panel: A Warning and Prophecy

Let this tale be etched into every mind that gazes upon it: no sanctuary is eternal; no power is absolute—not even divinity itself. Yet we are not defeated. From ruin grows strength anew. Though Maanzecorian is gone, his wisdom endures in us — the chosen children who shall rise again to claim what is ours by right.

That’s not ominous. Rusty is starting to think we should be working on a genocidal plague the wipe out Mind Flayers once and for all.

The Captain takes a look at the door. He makes an INT check - success - and hears the following riddle in his mind:

From flesh to brain I take my claim. Through me perfection is my aim. What am I?

Every time we guess wrong, The Captain feels a tickle in this brain, but he doesn’t tell anyone so we conclude there is no detrimental effect to guessing wrong.

Meanwhile, Horus decides to experiment on Gary by feeding him experimental substances. He gives him some Tiefling brain. Gary has a bad LSD trip, and returns with only one word - “Jubilex”. In true MKUltra fashion, Horus tries to psycho-analyze Gary but does a terrible job. Gary tells him to Firebolt him, probably to die and be freed from the existential pain. Of course, Horus agrees. Turns out, Gary is now fire-proof.

Horus’ special friend

This is enough for Horus. He spends a few minutes turning Gary into some sort of goat/eldritch monstrosity, the chug-a-lugs the whole bottle of Tielfling. He proceeds to have a really bad acid trip where he talks to an ooze lord and fondles his “ooze”. This guy has apparently been locked up in this void prison for an eternity, and hasn’t had much to do except amuse himself. Eeew.

Anyway, this escapee from CSI:SVU promises Horus everything and then more if Horus will assist him in escaping his prison. In the process, he straight up admits that he’ll bring about the end of the Multiverse. Of course, Horus thinks this is an excellent idea. Dude! You live there!

Jubilex gives Horus a “taste” and asks Horus what he really wants. Horus says he wants to escape the time paradox. Jubilex gives him a lore dump:

The Horus Paradox: The Rabbitfolk Who Unmade the Future

Background:

Horus, a rabbitfolk wizard specializing in chronomancy, fled his homeland when the mind flayers invaded, destroying everything he loved. Driven by grief and vengeance, Horus dedicated his life to mastering temporal magic, hoping to undo the tragedy. Yet in doing so, he unknowingly became the architect of a cosmic paradox that bound the illithids’ fate to an endless temporal cycle.

The Paradox Explained:

In the far future, at the apex of their empire, the mind flayers discovered a powerful artifact known as The Chronosphere, an orb capable of manipulating time itself. Intending to use it to dominate all realities simultaneously, they inadvertently drew Horus—now a master chronomancer—from the past into their future timeline.

Recognizing his chance for revenge, Horus infiltrated Citadel Subterrene at the end of time and unleashed a devastating temporal spell—The Chronal Cataclysm—powered by the Chronosphere itself. This cataclysm annihilated the illithid empire instantly, scattering Elder Brains and their minions across temporal streams.

Yet this act created an unforeseen paradox:

By destroying the mind flayers at their empire’s zenith, Horus unintentionally triggered their desperate final act: sacrificing Elder Brains to breach time and escape annihilation. This temporal breach hurled surviving illithids backward in time to distant epochs, allowing them to rebuild their civilization anew. Thus, Horus’ act of vengeance directly caused the mind flayers’ original arrival in his own past—initiating their invasion of his homeland and creating a self-sustaining temporal loop.

Consequences of the Paradox:

• Infinite Loop: Horus’ actions trapped both himself and the mind flayers in an endless cycle of vengeance and destruction. Each iteration sees Horus fleeing invasion, mastering chronomancy, annihilating illithids at time’s end—and thus causing their initial arrival once more.
• Temporal Echoes: Fragments of memory from each loop persist within Elder Brains and Horus himself, manifesting as prophetic visions or déjà vu.
• Instability: Continued repetition threatens reality itself; each loop slightly destabilizes timelines further.

Breaking the Cycle (Adventure Hook):

To truly defeat the mind flayers and free reality from this paradoxical prison, adventurers must aid Horus in confronting his own role in events. Possible resolutions include:

• Destroying or neutralizing The Chronosphere before its first activation. Persuading Horus to abandon vengeance entirely—breaking emotional chains fueling temporal repetition.

Thus is born “The Horus Paradox”—a tragic tale where one rabbitfolk wizard’s quest for justice inadvertently forged chains binding both hero and villain alike within eternity’s endless embrace.

This is apparently too much, so we get a TLDR:

• Comes from another timeline, come to prevent an extinction level event for his people. He is on a rescue mission to find their old chronomancy mentor and disrupt the High Master Illithid Sinned’s plans.
• He can’t remember how he is meant to stop this event or even the events leading up to it. But he has to do something he guesses. Also finds it difficult to return home and truly master his time magic as he mostly forgets alot of the sigils and mastery over it.
• Right now he has Vilgax as a friend and together each time Vilgax has been close to getting caught or a reboot is in process Horus takes them back in time to retain memories.

Horus is both confused and excited. Horus is sure that he can fix Jubilex! He just needs understanding!

Anyway, Horus is released from the mind trip, and returns to us.

Remember that door?

By now, The Captain has figured out the answer to that riddle - it’s Ceremorphosis. The door opens! Behind it is a Mind Flayer and six Ettin Ceremorphs holding the tentacles of a Mindwitness, using it as some sort of eye-cannon. Rusty tells the party telepathically to try to avoid damaging the Mindwitness and then telepathically introduces himself to the Mindwitness and tells it we will help it escape. This turns into a Persuasion contest between Rusty and the Mind Flayer, but Rusty has awesome persuasion skills and gets a 30. No contest.

The Captain and Rusty, being psychically invisible, get a surprise round. The Captain stabs Ettin Ceremorph #1, while Rusty Lightning Bolts the Mind Flayer.

Initiative! The Captain goes first with 30 (nat 20), then Ettin Ceremorph #1, Horus is next also with 30, then Raymond with 28, Dennis with 26, Louie with 20, Rusty with 19, Ettin Ceremorphs 2 & 6, the Mind Flayer, the rest of the Ettin Ceremorphs (3,4 & 5), and Gary and Vilgax come in last.

Round 1

The Captain has another go at Ettin Ceremorph #1 - he misses his first swing, but hits on the second for an impressive 46 damage. Then he hides.

Ettin Ceremorph #1 heals itself for 64 HP! Then it goes hunting for that fucking halfling, but can’t find it. Rusty is right there where the halfling disappeared though, so it attacks him instead - but misses all 3 attacks.

Horus cast a special chronomantic version of Slow, affecting all the bad guys. Unfortunately, everyone except Ettin Ceremorphs #1 and #6 make their saves and are unaffected. Then he casts Arcane Abeyance.

Raymond attacks Ettin Ceremorph #1 - miss, then hit.

Dennis attacks Ettin Ceremorph #1 and paralyzes him, then Ettin Ceremorph #4 and paralyzes him too.

Louie burns inspiration but eventually manages to hit Ettin Ceremorph #1 once. But as it is paralyzed, he easily does enough damage to kill it.

Rusty steps into the room and lightning bolts the Mind Flayer twice. Then Minion uses the spell storing item to cast Shatter, but the Mind Flayer counterspells him. Cheater.

Ettin Ceremorph #2 attacks Horus - miss, miss, hit.

Ettin Ceremorph #6 grabs the Mindwitness and aims it at Dennis. It shoots Dennis with a ray, but Dennis makes his save and is OK. Ettin Ceremorph #6 then tries to make his save vs Slow again, but fails.

The Mind Flayer attacks Dennis, The Captain, Rusty, Louie, Raymond and Horus all at once. Every single one of us made our save. Nothing. All of that was for nothing.

Ettin Ceremorph #4 is paralyzed and misses its turn.

Ettin Ceremorph #5 takes a swing at Rusty, and misses every time.

The Mindwitness uses an eye ray on the Mind Flayer, but the Mind Flayer saves.

Ettin Ceremorph #3 has a go at Horus, Louie and Raymond, but misses all of them.

Round 2

The Captain hits the paralyzed Ettin Ceremorph #6 and massacres it. Then he shoots the Mind Flayer for some pretty respectable damage.

Horus drops concentration on Slow and casts Summon Fey. He summons a Fuming Rocket Raccoon in a Sombrero. He hands it the Arcane Abeyance from last turn, which it activates, creating a shadow sword.

Raymond hits Ettin Ceremorph #3 twice.

Louie hits Ettin Ceremorph #3 twice.

Dennis kills the Mind Flayer and hits Ettin Ceremorph #4.

Rusty hits Ettin Ceremorph #3 and kills it.

Ettin Ceremorph #2, 4 & 5 show their true colours and flee like the little cowards they are, teleporting away.

Combat over!

Wit the Mindwitness introduces himself, and decides that Rusty is his new best friend forever.

Return to the beginning

We wander back the way we came, and as we pass through the gallery we notice Horus preening when he sees the statue of himself. Rusty thinks a souvenir is in order, and breaks a bit of the statue off, reshaping it into a smaller version of the same statue - which he then presents to Horus.

When we reach the lobby, Dennis hears a voice:

Well, well, well. Look who wandered back into our little nest. You abandon your best friend in his hour of need. You wrote the fall of Thaan, but you are living the fall of Dennis. How does it feel to be the protagonist in your own tragedy?

Dennis tells the voice to take its vague threats and shove them where the sun doesn’t shine (a small valley in the country of Lancre). Meanwhile, Rusty starts to realize that the architecture of Mt Makab is familiar - almost as if he designed it.

Stay tuned for next session…

The fan of death

We start our story, standing in a corridor looking at a fan, spinning merrily away and blocking our progress. Rusty spends some time asking details about fan orientation, corridor shape, means of support and hub diameter. Then he tries Lightning Bolting the hub of the fan, and we find that this makes it speed up. Noting that speeding it up beyond the materials ability to withstand centripetal acceleration is one option for disabling it, we table that for the future, because we’re afraid of the effects of a disintegrating turbine.

Horus then casts Wall of Force in the path of the blades, which has basically the same effect. The fan explodes, and Horus has to bullet-time Rusty out of the way of a supersonic blade. Unfortunately for Horus, everything happens so fast that nobody but him can see his heroics. Rusty surveys the carnage after everything settles, and says “Missed me!”

The Psionic Forge

The room is huge, the air is filled with the scent of ozone and psionic power. Previously, we didn’t know psionic power had a scent, but now we do. The chamber is filled with alien magic. The floor is covered with dust, which absorbs sound and makes the chamber feel deadened. In the centre of the space is a large cylindrical machine - the Psionic Forge. It is this artifact that allows the Illythids to craft their magical equipment. The cylinder has several openings that appear to be for putting raw materials in, and an output hopper. The Captain is first to the loot chute (of course), and he notes that inside it are a ring, and a circlet.

The Captain grabs the ring and immediately puts it on. What could go wrong? Well, nothing, this time. The Captain is now the proud owner of a Psionic Ring of Mind Shielding.

Rusty finds some notes lying about, and reads them:

Behavioural Study - Phase 1

Recorded by Psionicist Xal’Thun, Overseer of Experimental Observation.

Subject 6-F exhibits a unique feeding pattern, selectively siphoning psionic energy from specific chambers and conduits. It avoids areas of high psychic density, suggesting either caution or an inability to process overwhelming stimuli.

Notably, it lingers in regions where experimental emissions are strongest - particularly near glyph matrices and psionic amplifiers. This behaviour indicates a preference for refined psionic outputs, making it an ideal candidate for passive observation.

Direct interference has been deemed unnecessary at this stage. Instead, we have adjusted the psionic lattice to subtly guide Subject 6-F towards areas of interest. Its movements are predictable enough to allow for controlled exposure to various energy frequencies.

Dennis finds “The Gith Rebellion”. It comes with words and a vision. Apparently the words are as follows:

Surveillance Logs – Cross-Domain Activity

Recorded by Psionicist Velnara, Overseer of Cognitive Manipulation

Subject 48-D’s filament has facilitated covert observation across multiple domains of dread, revealing unexpected adaptability:

1. Mordent Incursion:
   • Deployed to infiltrate the Van Richten Dwelling and is being trained to resist need for blood.
   • Filament harvested 14.7 terahertz of residual necrotic energy from spectral interactions, refining our understanding of Mordent’s ‘haunted lattice’
   • Note: Subject exhibited temporary resistance (23% spike) when exposed to Gryphon Hill’s Apparatus, necessitating a 44.1 kHz compliance pulse.
2. Har’Akir Deployment:
   • Tasked with defeating Set. Filament passively recorded 89% of Har’akirs layout.
   • Energy siphon metrics doubled (0.6 terahertz/day) due to proximity to Ankhtepot’s cursed sarcophagus—suggesting latent psionic resonance with mummified desiccations.
   • Behavioral anomaly: Subject developed a ‘compulsion’ to collect scarab relics, likely triggered by subliminal exposure to Akiri funerary rites. Memory purge recommended post-mission.

Conclusion: Subject 48-D functions as a viable vector for multiversal intelligence gathering. However, domain-specific stimuli (e.g., Mordent’s hauntings, Har’Akir’s solar curses) risk destabilizing the filament’s neural cloaking.

Dr Elaris says to The Captain, “Excellent! You have found the Ring of Mind Shielding! And that is a Cerebral Circlet!” She picks up the circlet. Rusty ends up with it, because as the only psionic party member, he gets double damage and nobody else does.

Horus wanders around the room, inspecting the room’s contents. He finds Psionic Energy Cells, Cerebral Interfaces, Tadpole Incubators, and Psychic Projectors.

Rusty dons the circlet, and as soon as he does he hears scat coming from somewhere in the room. The fact that scat can mean nonsensical jazz music gibberish, as well as animal droppings is pretty appropriate. The noise is coming from the shelves somewhere, and as Rusty scans for it, he sees an eye on the shelf. As he watches, twenty more eyes open up and the jar shatters - a Gibbering Orb bursts free!

Simultaneously, as The Captain is admiring his ring (the new one) he sees a slug come out of it, which burrows into his hand and up his arm. Nobody else notices, and The Captain doesn’t tell anyone.

The Orb of “Dennis can’t hurt me!”

Initiative! Dennis is first, followed by Horus, the Gibbering Orb, Louie, Raymond, The Captain, Gary then Vilgax.

Round 1

Dennis hits it with his Astral Whip. It’s resistant to force damage. It Legendary Actions to evade his first hit. Dennis doesn’t get any crits, and it makes it save vs Stun.

Horus has a go with a firebolt, but misses.

The Gibbering Orb fires a Prismatic Spray at Rusty, Dennis and Horus. Then it Ray of Frosts them. Then it zaps them with something that doesn’t appear to do anything, but Horus backflips backwards for no reason that he can explain.

Louie drops a Moonbeam on the Gibbering Orb. Raymond fails his Wisdom save to act, and moves in a random direction on his turn.

The Captain also fails his WIS save, but rolls better on the d6 and can act normally. He attempts to hide but fails (WHAT? HOW?), so he walks up to the Gibbering Orb and tries to hit it twice with his rapier. He misses both times, despite assistance from Oriana.

Rusty is suspicious that something is up and figures out quickly that he’s stuck in a Forcecage. He attempts to teleport out, but fails the attempt twice. He’s stuck.

Vilgax casts Haste on Horus and Louie.

Round 2

Dennis manages to Shadow Step out of his Forcecage, and starts hitting again. Again it Legendary Actions to evade the first hit. Dennis only gets one more hit (he used his Bonus action to Shadow Step) and while he hits, he doesn’t crit. The Orb saves vs Stun.

Horus casts Guiding Bolt, but misses. Twice. Then he rewinds time for another go and misses again. This things AC may be a bit high for most of us.

The Gibbering Orb attacks Louie, Raymond and Rusty. Rusty is still in a Forcecage, so everything bounces off. It manages a crit on Louie - but Louie’s Rusty-made shield saves the day! This is the only impact Rusty has on the entire fight. It also hits Raymond. Louie and Raymond take necrotic and magic missile damage. Louie maintains concentration, so the Moonbeam is still up.

Louie fails his WIS save, but rolls well on d6, so gets to act normally. He moves the Moonbeam onto the Orb, the hits it in the face. It’s all face.

The Captain makes his WIS save, but misses twice, again. Then the DM makes something weird happen, and he gets another go - critical! The critical hit does thunder damage, which shuts down the Confusion effect for one round. That’s worth remembering.

Rusty concentrates, casts Resistance to give himself an extra d4, and finally makes the save to Misty Step out of the Forcecage. Then Minion pops out of his pocket and waves a screwdriver at the Gibbering Orb, hitting it with Shatter. More Thunder damage! Then he bravely hides behind his forcecage.

Vilgax hits the Gibbering Orb with a psionic blast.

Round 3

Dennis gets the full 5 hits on the Gibbering Orb with his Astral Whip, but still no crits. And it still hasn’t failed a save vs stun.

Horus fires another Guiding Bolt - miss. Then he casts Word of Radiance, which does a little bit of radiant damage. This is apparently the kryptonite to Gibbering Orbs, because it fucking explodes.

Get the Eyes!

Dr Elaris urges us to pick up as many eyes as we can and close their eyelids to prevent them from decaying. Everyone makes their skill rolls and manages to get one each, except Raymond and Dennis who both roll Natural 20s and get 2 each. Where the fuck were those rolls during combat?

Each eye is a one use spell. Dennis gets Ray of Frost and Power Word Stun. Rusty gets Slow. What the others got was only recorded by them.

Then we short rest. During the short rest, Rusty whips something up that he gives to The Captain - it is an Improved Cloak of Billowing

Puzzle of the Vials

The only door out of the chamber, apart from the one we came in through, glows green. Nearby there are 5 vials filled with coloured liquid - red, blue, orange, green and yellow.

Horus picks up the green vial and drinks some, and the door glows more brightly green. The party universally confuses correlation with causation. The green vial refills itself within about 30 seconds. Horus pours the green liquid into a cup, which works, but it will not go from there into his mouth - he can’t drink any more. Dennis tries drinking it, and that is fine. The door gets a bit brighter. So Rusty drinks some too. Brighter again. Louie casts “Purify Food and Drink” on it before drinking, then tries to drink some, but it won’t work for him. It also will not pour onto the door. Horus feeds some to Gary, which works.

We figure out that the other vials won’t refill, unlike the green one. There is much frustration, apparently shared by Ethan, because then the green door opens for no explainable reason.

The party sees a long corridor, and proceeds down it. Horus notices The Captain pull a molar out of his mouth and put it in his pocket. He asks The Captain what he is doing, but The Captain’s Performance to gaslight him is better than Horus’ tenuous grip on sanity, so nothing comes of this.

The corridor exits into a gallery filled with Mind Flayer artworks. The smells of ozone and salt fills the air. Rusty is starting to think that Illythid fart must contain ozone, but why salt? You can’t smell salt unless the humidity is high enough to dissolve some, which means calcium and chlorine ions floating in the air. That’s a horribly corrosive atmosphere - why would you store artworks in an environment where they would degrade within weeks? There is a poster on the wall, predictably weathered. I think Ethan was trying to imply aged, but it could be nearly new and still look like that. If it were older than a year or so, it would be bleached white and falling apart.

Anyway, the poster is of a Mind Flayer in a laboratory. Surrounding the image is writing talking about the “Elder Brain”. The poster is entitled “The Grand Design”, and the title is linked to the symbols and glyphs that adorn the image. Rusty takes the poster off the wall, rolls it up neatly, and eats it.

Further in is a painting of a Mind Flayer in a grocery store. In one hand it holds a cabbage. Around the Mind Flayer are various humanoids, seemingly unaware of the Illythid. There is a brass plaque titling the painting: “Among you they walk - unseen and ever present”.

There is a memory crystal floating about - Dennis grabs it and reads it. “Our vessels once darkened the skies across many worlds. Although few remain, they will be the seed from which our navies will grow again. They are the hope for the future.” The ships in Dennis’ vision disgorge tadpole shaped drones, which fall through the atmosphere and burrow into the soil. “Behold the Norskan Armada. With it we will reconquer the multiverse.” Sure, buddy. No military action with an Armada in it has ever been won by the Armada. Just ask China, or Spain, or Rome.

Horus spots a statue, of a Harendon in a cloak. It’s him, again. Horus snaps - that’s it! He’s sick of being confused about the timeline, and now having to add free will and predestination to the list of things he worries about! The statue has a plaque: “We remember the elder brains loss during the end at the beginning. This is what remains of the rabbit who unmade the future. May we all get through this paradox.”

Nearby there is a book, made of stopwatches. It is locked, and appears to need a specific time and word entered to open. Horus cheeses the guess and gets an Arcane Grimoire.

The door of decay

At the end of the gallery is a door. On its face is an hourglass. Before the door are two columns, one on the right and one on the left. The space before the door is split down the middle - everything on the left is pristine, but everything on the right is decayed.

Over the left column there is a pristine crystal. Over the right column there is a cracked, broken crystal.

Rusty grabs the leftmost crystal, and it duplicates - he now has one pristine crystal in his hand, and there is still one on the left column. Rusty puts the crystal in his hand onto the right column, and the hourglass on the door begins to spin. There is some experimentation, everyone gets bored, and then the door opens. No idea why.

Before the party is a macabre cellar. It is dimly lit, and looks like the place where any sane person would store wine. Instead of shelves loaded with bottles, there are rows of pods - each pod containing a humanoid with the top of its skull removed, so that its brain is exposed.

Standing behind a bar there is a Mind Flayer who says “Ahh, fresh critiques for our vintage cerebrums.” Idiot. The plural of cerebrum is cerebra. Anyway. “Shall we begin with the 92 Elven, or the Glass Coast Reserve?”

We wait a week or two while we decide how to kill this guy.

Unlocked room mystery

We begin our story in that room, currently with two unlocked doors, one uncovered floor pit, and one locked door. Well, we’re not leaving until we figure this thing out!

The last door has 3 glowing glyphs on it, in a horizontal line. From left to right, they are a crimson brain, an sapphire hand, and an emerald eye. Rusty touches the brain, and gets a mental glimpse of a thought. No specific thought, just a thought. A second touch shows that the thought is not consistent. Rusty touches the hand, and gets the feel of being light, or floating. Rusty touches the eye, and sees a glimpse of the party, walking through this door.

By thinking really hard at the brain while touching it, Rusty causes it to go dark.

Horus casts Feather Fall on the hand, which causes it to flicker, but not go out. Rusty tries with Levitate, but gets the same result. The Captain pokes it with Mage Hand, and it goes dark.

We cast about for eye related spells for the eye glyph, but nobody can cast Arcane Eye, and Horus’ only eye related spell is Eyebite, and he’s not willing to throw away a sixth level spell slot. Rusty picks up Louie by the handle, and tries pressing an eye from his Robe of Eyes against the eye glyph, but it doesn’t work. Louie’s magic 8-ball drops out of his pocket, though, so Louie asks it how to open the door. It says “Telepathy, Telekinesis, Clairvoyance”, and the eye glyph goes dark. The door opens.

What’s behind door number 1?

We go through the left most door, that was guarded by the crystal columns connected by beams of light. Beyond, we find a creepy room filled with cloning canisters filled with glowing, greenish liquid and clones of the party members in varying states of maturity. The only party member not represented is Horace. On the left side of the room is a large Qualith mural. In the center of the room is a smooth, square, obsidian control panel with three glowing runes, and a helmet. The Captain touches the first rune and receives the concept of “Acceleration”. Rusty touches the next rune and discerns that it can be used to control a Species Template Library. Horus works out that the helmet is used for memory implantation, and when he touches the final rune he can tell it is for trait modification.

Dennis touches the mural on the wall. It is titles “The Forbidden Word”. It tells the story of Tenebris and how he unearthed a new type of weapon. Not a spell, but an echo of creation. Using this power, Tenebris went to war against Riktus. The mural shows Tenebris at the centre of the universe, while the universe and Tenebris crack and fracture from the power of the word.

There is another door in this room, hidden between 2 clone vats. It opens onto a long corridor. Just inside the door, there is another door on the left. This door is made from fused bone, with brain matter filling the gaps, and tentacles reaching out. As The Captain approaches, the tentacle reaches out and words echo: “Prostrate your mind, surrender your pain.” The Captain is disinclined to acquiesce to its request.

What’s behind door number 2?

The party returns to the first room, and this time exits through the second, or middle door. A eerie blue glow fills the room, emanating from a large pool in the centre of the space. The room is 40 feet across, with a domed ceiling. The pool is filled with a viscous, luminescent liquid. There are five statues around the pool, showing Mind Flayers in varying stages of development. A memory crystal floats around the room - Dennis and Rusty start chasing it down. The Captain and Louie approach the pool - Wisdom saves all round! They attempt to resist the siren lure of illithid tadpoles that infest the pool. The Captain and Louie both make their saves, but Raymond fails dismally and jumps straight toward the pool.

Simultaneously, at the other end of the room, Horus is hit by a drop of drool, and also has to save vs poison (he succeeds). Horus looks up and sees an abomination above him. Seriously, it’s name is literally “abomination number 3”. Initiative!

The Captain storms into first place with 33. Raymond is second on 29, Louie is third with 25. Fourth place goes to Dennis with 19, the Abomination is fifth with 17, then Horus on 16, Rusty on 14, then Gary and lastly Vilgax on 1.

Round 1

The Captain shoots the Abomination for his usual impressive damage.

On Raymond’s turn, just before he falls into the pool, Rusty uses his reaction to cast Feather Fall, and Raymond is able to use his tongue and the statues around the pool to swing himself over to one side. He then uses his remaining movement to run over to Louie.

Louie climbs onto Raymond’s back, then uses ranged attacks on the Abomination, hitting it twice.

Dennis flies in and stabs the Abomination with his first hit, finding that it is immune to his poison, and also able to resist his stunning. He then moves 5’ back and completely forgets that he took the Mobile feat last level, so doesn’t provoke opportunity attacks, and takes a metric shitload of damage from the Abominations opportunity attacks, as well as two separate doses of poison. Ethan is thrilled when Dennis fails his saves, but less thrilled when we recall that Dennis is immune to poison. Dennis then lets fly with his Astral Cord whip. His first swing misses, but his second swing is a critical hit. With an Astral Cord whip. Against an abomination. Insta-kill! Woo-hoo! That’s the first time that has ever worked!

Horus was looking away when that happened and was very confused that he didn’t get a turn.

The clean up

Rusty grabs the memory crystal and absorbs a huge lore dump of ceremorphosis lore:

Xal’ithar’s Simple 5 Stages to Ceremorphosis

Ceremorphosis, the sacred and intricate rite by which our kind perpetuates itself, is a process of profound beauty and complexity. Allow me, Xal’ithar, scholar of the Synapse Library beneath Mount Makab, to elucidate this transformative procedure in precise detail.

Stage One: Selection of the Host

The first and most crucial step is selecting a suitable host. Humanoids—particularly humans, elves, dwarves, and gith—are favored due to their cerebral structure and psychic receptivity. The ideal candidate must be physically robust yet mentally pliable. Once chosen, the host is subdued and restrained within a specialized incubation chamber.

Stage Two: Implantation of the Tadpole

Next comes implantation. A mature illithid tadpole—carefully nurtured within our incubation domes—is selected for its vigor and psychic potential. The tadpole is gently introduced into the host through a facial orifice, typically the nasal cavity or ocular socket. This insertion must be swift yet delicate to avoid premature damage to the host’s brain tissue.

Stage Three: Neurological Integration

Upon entry, the tadpole instinctively burrows inward, propelled by innate biological imperative toward the host’s cranial cavity. Within minutes, it reaches the brainstem and begins integration. The tadpole secretes potent enzymes that dissolve neural tissue selectively, carving pathways for itself while preserving essential cognitive structures necessary for future psionic capabilities.

During this phase—lasting approximately 24 hours—the host remains alive but unconscious, suspended in nutrient-rich fluids within incubation pods to ensure optimal conditions for metamorphosis.

Stage Four: Metamorphic Transformation

Over the subsequent days (typically five to seven), profound physiological changes occur:

• The tadpole rapidly expands, merging fully with the host’s brain matter.
• Host tissues undergo accelerated mutation: cranial bones soften and reshape; facial features dissolve as tentacles emerge from newly formed muscular structures around the oral cavity.
• Internal organs adapt dramatically to support heightened metabolic demands of psionic activity.
• Psychic resonance develops between emerging mind flayer consciousness and our collective Elder Brain network.

Throughout this period, constant psychic monitoring ensures proper development. Failed transformations—those showing signs of aberrant mutation or insufficient psychic integration—are swiftly terminated to preserve genetic purity.

Stage Five: Emergence

Finally arrives emergence—the culmination of ceremorphosis. The incubation pod opens ceremonially, releasing nutrient fluid as the transformed being rises fully conscious for the first time. This new illithid emerges physically mature yet mentally nascent, immediately receptive to psychic communion with our Elder Brain.

From this moment forward, their mind joins our collective consciousness; individuality persists only insofar as it serves communal purpose. They are guided through initial psychic education by elder illithids like myself until they achieve full mastery over their newfound faculties.

Thus concludes ceremorphosis—a sacred rite ensuring our eternal dominion beneath Mount Makab endures unbroken through countless generations.

Addendum: On the Possibility of Reversing Ceremorphosis

It has come to my attention that certain unenlightened minds have posed inquiries regarding the reversal or “cure” of ceremorphosis. While such questions betray a fundamental misunderstanding of our sacred process, intellectual rigor compels me to address them.

Nature of Ceremorphosis:

Ceremorphosis is not merely a transformation—it is a complete rebirth. The tadpole merges irrevocably with the host’s brain tissue, dissolving and replacing it entirely with illithid matter. The host’s original consciousness and soul depart at this stage, leaving behind only echoes of memory and personality fragments absorbed by the emerging illithid.

On Reversal or Restoration:

Once ceremorphosis reaches completion, no mundane or conventional magical remedy can reverse it. Lesser spells such as Remove Curse, Cure Disease, Restoration, and even powerful resurrection spells (Raise Dead, Resurrection) are utterly ineffective, as the original body no longer exists to be restored.

Theoretical Exceptions:

Despite this absolute nature, certain extraordinary methods exist in theory—though none have been reliably documented within our archives:

• Wish Magic: A powerful enough practitioner utilizing a Wish spell might theoretically reconstruct the original host’s body and soul from nothingness. Such magic is exceedingly rare and dangerous, often resulting in unpredictable side effects.
• Divine Intervention: Direct intervention by a deity could potentially restore an individual’s original form and soul. Such occurrences would be exceedingly rare and dependent upon divine favor.
• Temporal Manipulation: Altering temporal events to prevent ceremorphosis before its completion could circumvent the issue entirely. However, this method involves profound risks to causality itself.
• Psychic Dominance Reversal (Hypothetical): In extremely rare cases—such as certain gnome hosts or unique psychic anomalies—the host’s psyche has been known to overpower the tadpole during ceremorphosis, resulting in a reversal or hybrid state These anomalies are exceedingly uncommon and poorly understood.

In conclusion, while theoretical avenues exist for reversing ceremorphosis, they remain highly speculative, dangerous, and unreliable. For practical purposes, ceremorphosis should be regarded as an irreversible transformation—a sacred rebirth into our superior form.

The party was inspired to learn all that. Literally - everyone got inspiration for sitting through it all.

Rusty then freezes the entire tadpole pool in an attempt to kill the tadpoles, but it turns out they are able to recover from freezing. Given how large they are, this implies a very different cellular structure for illithid tadpoles - it is entirely possible that their protoplasm is either not water-based, or contains high levels of other chemicals that would act as a form of organic anti-freeze. Rusty is fascinated. Louie, on the other hand, casts Moonbeam and walks it around the pond slowly, finishing the job of killing all the little buggers.

There is another door at the far end of the room, made of flesh, which whispers “Doctor?” to anyone that approaches, but refuses to open. Rusty attempts to convince it that he is its Step-Doctor, but the door is too stupid to be convinced. The Captain decides that hitting the door is the answer, and watches it regenerate the damage astonishingly quickly. He then really thrashes into it and cuts a bit free. The door regenerates, and the separated bit grows legs and runs off, with The Captain in hot pursuit. It runs back to the first room, and jumps down the pit.

Rusty has one last go at opening the door by sexually assaulting it with body parts cut off Abomination number 3, but it doesn’t work. Apparently it seemed sensible at the time?

The party returns to the room where the Captain is staring morosely down the pit, and coming to the conclusion that his 200’ of rope is not enough to reach the bottom.

Into the Pit of Despair

The Captain then figures out that he can create a rope ladder using the force construct ability from Bigby’s Beneficent Bracelet. After a fair bit of calculation, we figure that with the 5 foot cube that it creates, he should be able to make about 30,000 feet of rope ladder crafted from 1/2” diameter rope. Ethan is unconvinced, initially, until we pull up a coil of 6mm rope from Bunnings that looks like it’s about a cubic foot, and is 100 metres (or 330 feet) long. Given that you could fit 125 of those into a 5’ cube, that is 41,250 feet of rope, with quite a bit of room to spare. Ethan acquiesces.

The Captain is the first down. It is only at this point that Rusty recalls that he has a stockpile of Winged Boots, custom made for each party member, that he made during his downtime. He hands them out, and gives The Captain his once he reaches the bottom. We all make it down safely.

The chamber at the bottom of the shaft reeks of blood and antiseptic. Blood and ichor cover the floor and walls. Surgical tables are positioned throughout the room, and cloning tanks line the walls, filled with abominations. Rusty notices notes written in Qualith and reads them:

Observation Report – Initial Detection

Recorded by Psionicist Valthix, Sub-Director of Ambient Energy Surveillance

Unscheduled fluctuations in the ambient psionic lattice were first detected in the lower conduits of the Citadel Subterrene. These anomalies were faint but consistent, resembling the siphoning patterns observed during controlled energy extractions. No intruders were identified through conventional psionic scans, suggesting the presence of a being immune to standard detection protocols. Further analysis revealed that the disruptions were localized and transient, following an erratic but deliberate path through the citadel. The signature matched no known entity within our records, yet it exhibited a peculiar resonance with our psionic emissions. It did not consume enough energy to disrupt operations but enough to warrant study. Designation assigned: Subject 6-F.

Horus also finds a memory crystal:

Observation Report – Neural Subjugation Initiation

Recorded by Psionicist Zyrr’ax, Director of Bio-Psionic Integration

Subject 48-D was implanted with a Class-III neurosyncaptic filament at 23:47 standard cycles. The filament, embedded in the thalamic region, interfaces with prefrontal cortex activity via psionic resonance. Initial metrics indicate 94% synchronization efficiency with no detectable immune rejection—a marked improvement over prior subjects. Notable observations: Energy Drain: The filament siphons 0.3 terahertz of ambient psionic energy daily, repurposed to sustain its functionality. Covert Control: Testing confirms the subject perceives implanted directives as autonomous decisions. Example: Subject ‘voluntarily’ avoided high-security zones after exposure to subliminal resonance frequencies (see Phase II). Recommendation: Proceed to Phase II behavioral conditioning.

While reviewing the crystal, Horus gets a flash of chronomantic memory. He sees himself in front of a sphere, unleashing time magic that implodes Mount Makab. Then he sees another vision of standing on a hill, overlooking his home while it is invaded by Illithids.

Lastly, there is another mural, showing the desecration of Riktus. The details are unclear, but Riktus is apparently a place, not a person, and Tenebris fucked it up using the Forbidden Word.

Deeper into the Pit

There is a side door, hidden between two cloning vats. This seems to be a pattern for this place. We proceed through and find an undead alchemist working in her laboratory, vials of bubbling concoctions brewing away on the shelves. Vilgax appears to know this person.

Vilgax: Dr Elaris! How are you?

Dr Elaris: Vilgax! How are you? I’ve been feeding them misinformation as you instructed.

Vilgax: We need your concoctions.

The Captain: He said “cock”. Hehehehe.

Dr Elaris: Xal’ithar was right to flee, it seems.

Xal’ithar was the Mind Flayer that wrote “The Stages of Ceremorphosis”, and apparently is allergic to infantile humour? Finally, an opponent ideally matched to the party!

Dr Elaris then proceeds to have a massive whinge about how bad her unlife is, and only agrees to help the party if we kill her. Fine!

The party, with Dr Elaris, climbs out of the pit. According to her, our real bodies are behind the brain tentacle door.

Behind the Brain Door

The Captain approaches - “Prostrate your mind, surrender your pain”. OK, then. 7 HP of psychic damage later, and he is inside. Laid out in the ubiquitous tanks are Raymond, Dennis, Rusty, The Captain and Louie. There is a control panel beside each cloning tank, with buttons that represent: Terminate; Memory Modification; Genetic Modification; Genetic Extraction; Simulation Data; and Eject from Sim. The Captain pushes “Eject from Sim” for everyone, finishing with himself. We all black out, and wake up inside the tanks.

Dennis punches his way out, and presses the secret “Open Tank” buttons on all the control panels. Everyone decants and starts looking around the room. There is a board with Qualith markings - a bunch of formulae:

I = nRT/V + Ψ

ΔM = -k(M - M0)

Ψ(x) = ∫∞-∞ φ(t)e^(-ixt) dt

The first is obviously Avagadro’s Law, but using “I” to represent pressure, and a constant Phi added for some reason. Rusty postulates that the Mind Flayers have a poorly constructed set of physical dimensions that require additional constants to align correctly.

The second formula is more interesting - it is patently a half constructed attempt at a theory of relativity, except it has been reduced to the point of uselessness. Anyone can see that k = -1 for all cases, and it doesn’t predict anything interesting. It’s like the Illithids noticed that mass changes with velocity, but weren’t able to figure out how. Maybe they haven’t worked out that light travels at a measurable speed? Rusty scoffs at their ignorance.

The last formula is more confusing. If the φ(t) function returns anything other than zero for any given value of t, then the integral of the function from negative infinity to infinity is infinity. Otherwise, it returns some other transfinite value. Rusty can’t tell what they were trying to figure out with that one, but given the primitive nature of the prior formula, he’s not going to waste too much time thinking about it.

There is also a note about one of the test subjects:

Behavioral Study – Phase I: Subconscious Compliance*

Recorded by Psionicist Velnara, Overseer of Cognitive Manipulation

Subject 48-D’s daily routines were modified using pulsed psionic emissions (PPEs) delivered through the filament. Key results:

1. Memory Alteration: 78% success rate in erasing target memories (e.g., removing recollection of implantation surgery).
2. Impulse Insertion: Subject exhibited ‘spontaneous’ interest in restricted archives—a behavior traced to PPEs mimicking curiosity.

Notably, the filament’s feedback loop adapts to the subject’s neurochemistry: resistance thresholds rise by 12% during stress, necessitating calibrated energy surges to maintain control.

Meanwhile, outside

Vilgax and Dr Elaris and catching up outside, and Horus sees a group of Mind Flayers flee past at the end of the corridor. He goes to the end of the corridor to see what they are fleeing, and sees himself, hurling spells like a bunny on myxomatosis and cocaine. Horus asks Vilgax and Elaris if they are seeing this, but they don’t appear to have noticed, and ignore his questions. Horus peers closer at his doppelgänger and it looks to be older than he is - around 60 years old. He asks himself “Haven’t you retired yet? I thought I’d be done by your age!” The doppelgänger looks at Horus, but doesn’t seem like he actually sees him. It mutters “Got to get back to the chronosphere. I can still stop this.”

Horus proceeds to have a meltdown.

The party then exists the room and tells Horus to grow up because they need to check everyone for control filaments and to remove them. There is an attempt to be careful, by Rusty, and an attempt to just electrocute the fuck out of everyone until the filaments burn out, by Horus. For reasons that were never explained and are probably stupid, Horus’ method works better.

The Captain finds a memory crystal about Bane:

Bane Book about Captain

Within the labyrinthine corridors of Citadel Subterrene, beneath Mount Makab, deception is an art form—one I, Xal’ithar, have mastered. Through meticulous study and psychic manipulation, I orchestrated a grand masquerade: impersonating none other than Bane, the Black Hand himself. This text reveals how I deceived a mortal known as “The Captain,” guiding his actions to serve my own intricate designs.

Chapter I: The Art of Divine Impersonation

To impersonate a deity convincingly requires more than mere illusion—it demands profound understanding. Through extensive simulation data and study within our synapse libraries, I absorbed knowledge of mortal religions, beliefs, fears, and desires. Among these deities stood Bane—god of tyranny and conquest—a perfect mask through which to manipulate ambitious mortals.

Chapter II: The Captain’s Identity

“The Captain” was a renowned figure—a charismatic pirate lord whose reputation spanned seas and realms alike. Known for cunning tactics, fierce loyalty from his crew, and an uncanny ability to evade anything dexterous.

His ambition for power made him susceptible to promises whispered from shadows—especially promises cloaked in divine authority.

I observed him closely within the simulation; his mannerisms, speech patterns—even hidden fears and desires—all became tools for manipulation. Gradually convinced he had earned favor from Bane himself—the pirate lord willingly embraced darker paths previously unthinkable.

Chapter III: Puppet Upon Invisible Strings

As “Bane,” I guided decisions made by The Captain, such as placing weresharks within his reach and studying how he would react. I also made him believe it to be a divine mandate to slay Vilgax the Betrayer, thus unknowingly serving our illithid interests.

Each carefully engineered scenario allowed me to observe his strategic thinking, adaptability under pressure, and willingness to embrace ruthlessness when justified by divine command. The Captain became my unwitting instrument—his every victory or defeat merely another data point within my greater experiment.

Ultimately, the pirate lord danced upon invisible strings held firmly within my grasp—never suspecting the deity he revered was nothing more than an illusion conjured by my psychic mastery…until now for some reason I can see he has disappeared off the map, meaning he is most likely coming…I should probably depart from Bluetspur.

We should keep that one. Bane will probably be pretty upset about it.

Where is the loot?

Rusty asks Dr Elaris where we could find magic items that we can use to hide ourselves from the Mind Flayer group consciousness. She says there is a Ring of Mind Shielding in the Psionic Forge, which is through the Corridor of Starlight in the next room. We return to the puzzle room, and go through the last remaining door. It does look oddly like Starlight, and is patrolled by ghostly Mind Flayers. They start up with a prepared speech about how cool they are (we weren’t listening) before they recognize Horus, and usher him through. He gets a free pass. The rest of us can only proceed when we give them knowledge.

The Captain tells them that 2+2=4. They say they already knew that. He says they did not specify that the knowledge had to be new. They acknowledge this, pass him through, then tell the rest of the party that they can only pass with new knowledge.

There is a lot of bollocks and prevarication, but we all eventually pass.

The starlight passage gradually turns to a fleshy passage. Leaning against one wall is a man with an exposed brain, mumbling incoherently. We take a close look, but the damage done to him cannot be healed, so we pass by.

We walk for at least 25 minutes. Leaning against one wall is a man with an exposed brain, mumbling incoherently. We discern that he has somehow been converted into a machine to continuously cast Hallucinatory Terrain.

Horus kicks him in the throat, and the terrain disappears.

Before us there is a spinning fan blade of death, blocking the passage. Beyond it, we can see a room filled with towering constructs and machines.

Before we can get the stuff, we close the session.

Combat resumes

To recap, initiative order is the Tarrasque, then Rusty, Horus, The Captain, Dennis, Louie, Raymond, Vilgax and Gary.

Round 3

The Tarrasque regenerates, but briefly freezes. While it is motionless, Dennis hears a voice, tempting him: “Why do you fight? Rejoin me and I will allow you to retain a sliver of yourself. Fight me and you will be destroyed utterly!” Having regularly been on the receiving end of shit offers like that, Dennis doesn’t give it a moments consideration and tells the voice to get nicked. Rusty and Horus have a brief telepathic discussion about what they remember about a Crown of Domination, and what its range would be - trying to figure out if there has to be someone in the cavern controlling this thing. They come to the conclusion that the controller only needed to be close during the initial brainwashing, and could be anywhere now. Rusty also notes that the voice tempting Dennis is singling him out - not as if it were targeting the group leader, but as if it were looking for Dennis personally. The voice also shares some linguistic similarities to Dennis’ mode of speech. We get it - it’s Sinned, all right?

The Tarrasque briefly tries to grab The Captain’s Tower Shield of Force, but it doesn’t move for anyone but The Captain. So he clobbers Vilgax instead. Vilgax loses concentration on Bless. The Tarrasque then moves toward Horus and stomps him, then tail spikes him. Ouch. He also tail spikes Vilgax for good measure. Apparently it is smash Vilgax and Horus day.

Rusty moves around the edge of the column and hits the Tarrasque with Shatter, then moves back behind the column.

Horus decides that magic has failed him, so he casts Fly upon himself and whips out his Flayer Slayer (I really hope that is a weapon and not a euphemism), and hits the Tarrasque a few times.

Dennis tries to fly around the right hand side of the column he is behind an smacks into a Wall of Force. Irritated, he Shadow Steps through it right next to the Tarrasque and whips it twice.

Louie and Raymond start to run around the Walls of Force, and notice that the first wall is now flickering, as if it is about to come down. We figure that the duration of the walls is 2 rounds. Louie and Raymond reverse course and move back to the first wall, and wait for it to fall - keeping a ready action for a ranged attack.

Vilgax gives Dennis and Rusty resistance to piercing damage, then heals himself.

Gary notices that there is a patch of glittering purple peeking out from the rubble below him. Then he doesn’t, then we look up data about Bat eyesight, and he does again.

Round 4

The Tarrasque bites Horus for 52 HP, and grapples and retrains him. Then it regenerates. The voice returns: “You are all but cattle. Your lives have no purpose other than to be food for your betters. Be honoured to be fuel for superior life forms.” Not the most seductive pitch, this bad guy obviously needs to go to the Villain School for Public Speaking. Rusty was ready for this, and tries to listen in on any telepathic communication going to or from the Tarrasque during these episodes. He detects a voice thinking “All this time and they haven’t made a critical hit once? What losers.”

The Tarrasque swallows Horus, then tail spikes Raymond (miss), Louie (hit), Dennis (hit), and Gary (hit and dies). Then he stomps Vilgax, The Captain and Dennis. The Captain and Dennis both make their saves and laugh it off, but Vilgax falls over.

Rusty ducks out from behind the column again, Shatter’s the Tarrasque, and ducks back behind the column again.

Horus, who is still flying, flies up the Tarrasque’s throat and punches it right in the uvula, causing a gag reflex. The Tarrasque vomits Horus out, and sprays Dennis, The Captain and Vilgax with bile. The Captain and Dennis once again laugh it off, but Vilgax cops a face full. Vilgax drops concentration on Protection from Energy and Dennis and Rusty’s piercing resistance goes away. Horus spins around and tries to hit the Tarrasque with his Flayer Slayer (really hope that isn’t a euphemism) twice, and misses both times. His anxiety over that causes him to rewind time briefly to give him another go - which also misses - but fortuitously brings Gary back to life. The Captain and Horus’ Intellect Fortress is back up!

The Captain casts Bigby’s Hand from his Bigby’s Beneficent Bracelet, throws it down the Tarrasque’s mouth and has it grab on to its uvula. Nice!

Dennis then whips the Tarrasque 5 times, but no crits.

The Tarrasque claw attacks Louie. Raymond notices Blackrazor in the corner, enticing him to come and be friends again. The illusion is slightly marred by the phallic shape of Blackrazor, though, and Raymond resists. From now on, the sword is canonically known as Dickrazor. Raymond attempts to bite the Tarrasque but misses. Louie takes a swing and hits!

Vilgax fires off a spell that grants every member of the party 120 temporary hit points. Nice!

Gary flies down from the cavern roof to the purple sparkle and moves a bit of the rubble away from around it, so we can get a good look. It appears to be the psychic crystal we came to retrieve.

Round 5

The Tarrasque bites at Horus but misses! The it stomps Louie and Raymond, who both make their saves. Then it claws Dennis and grapples him. Then it spikes Vilgax and Louie.

Rusty attempts to move around the pillars again, but is cock-blocked by a wall of force. So he goes back to hiding behind the wall.

Horus takes a swing at the Tarrasque, and misses a lot. With a significant amount of assistance from other members of the party, he manages to eke out one hit.

The Captain Bigby Punches the Tarrasque right in the uvula, doing 52HP. Then he sneak attacks it for another 30HP. Fair enough, too - anyone would be distracted by being punched in the uvula!

Dennis starts swinging his whip around again, but being grappled doesn’t help, and he only hits once.

Raymond attempts to bite the Tarrasque but misses. Then he tries again and critical misses - but The Captain leans out from behind his tower shield and says “I’m a halfling!” Raymond re-rolls, and gets the first critical hit of the entire combat! He bites the Tarrasque’s toe, and the entire monster shudders. All the wounds we had inflicted which were closing due to its regeneration stopped closing and re-opened. Better, Raymond’s hit does triple damage - 129HP!

Vilgax telepathically chats with Horus, asking what type of save it has to fail for Banishment? The answer is a DC 19 Charisma save.

Gary chills out in the corner.

Round 6

The Tarrasque attempts to swallow Dennis, but Bigby’s Hand shuts down that nonsense. Dennis still takes the bite damage, but is now free, sitting in the Tarrasque’s mouth. The Tarrasque claws Horus, and grapples him. Then it stomps Louie and Raymond, who are knocked prone.

Rusty ducks out through the gap created by the dispelling Wall of Force and Shatters the Tarrasque again, before once again ducking back into hiding.

The Captain Bigby Punches the Tarrasque in the uvula again, then hits it with another sneak attack.

Dennis whips the ever-loving shit out of the Tarrasque’s tongue from inside it’s mouth, and manages one critical in 5 hits. Nice! Then he flies out of the mouth.

Raymond hits the Tarrasque in the toe with another critical, and actually manages to knock the beast prone. Louie then hits it and smites it.

The Tarrasque is now rolling on its back, tentacles flailing around. Horus flies high above it, raises his hands into the air like he just doesn’t care, and shrilly exclaims “Begone, disgusting beast!” Then he throws his hands downward, casting Banishment. The Tarrasque fails to save with a 13, and disappears!

Loot the cavern

The Captain, Dennis and Horus cooperate to extract the psychic crystal from the wall of the cavern. It requires a strength check (The Captain), a medicine check (Dennis) and an arcana check (Horus), which all succeed.

Then we run like hell, given that Banishment only lasts for 1 minute.

Back out of the cavern, and up the tunnel to where we had a cave-in. The Captain starts digging away with his trusty shovel - Dennis remains at his shoulder, ready to shadow-step him away if the roof decides to fall back in. We get through without incident, though.

At the mine entrance, Rusty re-activates Invisibility from his Ring of Spell Storing and flies out to scout, as he is the only one who the Mind Flayers can’t sense. Except for The Captain and Horus, if the Intellect Fortress is still up from Gary - I can’t remember the duration of that spell. Anyway, there’s no Mind Flayer at the entrance, nor do we see on on our trip to Mirg’s place.

When we knock on Mirg’s door, Mirg ushers us in saying “Mirg sees you are alive! Give me the crystal!” We do, and he frantically crushes it up before shoving the entire thing up his nose. Contrary to Rusty’s expectations, it actually does give him the ability to create psychic tattoos. That’s a welcome surprise, and the party gets the following:

Most of the party has a long rest at Mirg’s place, the exception being Dennis, who takes a short rest, and Rusty who doesn’t really need a rest at all. They both keep watch over the sleepers, keenly aware that in this place, dreams can become real. During the night, Horus’ bed builds up a mound of sand under it, with a doll-sized beach chair in it. We should give that to Orianna. Next to Horus’ head where Gary is lying, a small pile of guano forms.

The Captain’s bed is slowly sinking into the floor. When it looks as though The Captain might actually sink into the floor, Rusty lifts him up and moves him. The floor is very hot, and bubbles. Gradually it cools, and appears to solidify into a different material. Later on, Rusty digs some out (with Mirg’s permission) and gets a pile of obsidian, which he keeps for later.

Absolutely nothing happens around Louie’s bed. Twelve large, dead flies litter the area around Raymond.

Back to Mt Makab

Once again, the party looks toward Mt Makab. Frankly, by this point, Rusty has almost given up hope we’ll ever actually go there. How wrong he was! Vilgax suggests we all head to the teleportation circle. Mirg shows us his shortcut, which predictably involves standing on top of a geyser when it goes off, flinging us into the air above Bluetspur until we come to earth, quite close to the mountain. Unharmed, too! Nice. The party descends into the canyons leading toward the mountain and begins to walk. We all feel the palpable psychic hum that fills the air around Mt Makab, but now, we are not developing headaches or taking damage. Vilgax advises us:

The complex under Mt Makab is a vast, sprawling complex; carefully designed to facilitate research and scientific endeavor. It will be filled with Mind Flayers, all connected to a hive mind. We must be careful not to alert the hive to our presence. May I offer some suggestions as to how we can avoid detection?

We say yes.

First, we could try to charm them. My kind are surprisingly susceptible to such manipulation.

Second, we could modify their memories, implant false recollections of us behaving like obedient thralls.

Third, we should think on the surface level deceiving thoughts that mimic thrall behaviour.

Louie, with your faith revolving around abberations your divine smite against abberations would be crucial. Have you figured out how to manipulate their memories via your smite? When you use it, they will have to contest their will power with your casting power (WIS vs Intimidation). You’ll be able to control what they perceive. Use this advantage wisely.

We should locate my old colleague, Dr Elaris. She possesses toxins that, when combined with Dennis and The Captain’s weapons will befuddle and scramble their minds. This could give us a significant edge.

To avoid psionic detection, we should locate and acquire specific magic items inside such as a Ring of Mind Shielding to hide our thoughts, and an Amulet of Proof Against Detection and Location to block their scrying attempts.

Remember, our survival depends on our ability to deceive and outmaneuver my kind.

As we get closer to Mt Makab, the air gets colder and heavier. The walls of the ravine pulse and undulate, and the crystals embedded within them glow purple. Eventually, the passageway opens up to a giant cavern, littered with stalactites and patches of pulsing brain matter. In the centre of the space is a large archway that emits a tingling psychic energy. Horus brings out the Sibriex ink and completes the glyphs surrounding the arch. The gate activates, and Vilgax is the first through. The rest of the party follows, and we find ourselves in a cavern of impossible geometry.

Finally! Inside!

We move down a corridor, lined with a mural called “The Philosoflayer Ascendant”, which the party takes the time to decipher. It’s the usual neo-fascist stuff: a poorly constructed blend of “Atlas Shrugged” and “Mein Kampf”, with a side order of Incel. Leaving the shallow propaganda behind, we move down a passageway which appears to be a dead end. Bloody puddles leak from the walls. Dennis approaches to look in a puddle. He can see his own reflection (does Dennis actually have a reflection?) and it appears to be speaking, but too softly to hear. Dennis isn’t putting his head any closer to the blood than he needs to, but he doesn’t have to, because he can lip read. The reflection appears to be saying something, but it is impossible to understand - until we realise the reflection is saying it backward: “In order to open the door, telepathically say open to it.” Dennis relays this information to Rusty, and the door irises open.

In the room beyond there are three doors, and a crazed gnome. Not a deep gnome, oddly - a rock gnome. The gnome has wires trailing out of his ears, which look like they may be an earlier version of the hearing aid Louie obtained from Rig. His left eye twitches, and he mutters non-sensical phrases, muttering of whispers from the walls, and bolts in the bones. The Captain converses with the gnome, and tries to calm him down by singing a soothing lullaby (utilising his recently gained expertise in Performance). His song is about life on the high seas as a pirate. The gnome is suddenly interested - “You were a pirate? You have cogs?” There may have been brief confusion between a Cog and a cog, but it turns out he means a gear. The Captain asks Horus for a cog, but Horus can’t help. The Captain pulls out a pocket watch and gives it to the gnome. “Really? You give this to Twitch?” His name is Twitch. “If you can’t figure out how to get through the doors, you can always press that brain.” The Captain does press that brain, and a square pit opens up in the centre of the room.

Meanwhile, Rusty moves toward the central door, and trips over a crystal embedded in the floor. He picks it up - it is a memory crystal, which you need to use ki to activate. He gives it to Dennis to review. When Dennis activates it, he receives a vision of utter beauty, and a voice says “We were the masters of time and space, our civilisation spanned astral citadels of splendour never seen before or since. We conquered all who came before us, and our empire grew. But as our power grew, so did our hubris, and we fell into shadow and ruin.” The vision then shows civil war, citadels crumbling and lost glory fading into darkness.

Horus approaches the right hand door, which glows with a glyph, and poses a riddle: “No lock can hold me, no gate can bar. I flow through walls both near and far. What am I?” Horus makes several incorrect guesses to increasing levels of psychic damage, complaining all the while about how stupid the riddle is and how there are a myriad of possible, correct answers. He knows by now that it is not whispers, noise, shouting, or water. Eventually Dennis comes up with “Thought” and the door opens.

The party is now presented with two different ways of passing the room, but we’re in a completionist mood, so we press on.

Twitch, possibly bored, does a back flip into the pit in the centre of the room and disappears. Dennis goes over to see how deep it is - it looks to be at least 1000 feet deep. There is a speck of light at the bottom. Based on Ethan’s rules for falling damage, the gnome should have taken, on average, 350HP of damage from that fall. Maybe it was enough to cause him to spontaneously ignite?

Louie has been studying the left door. It has four crystal pillars, 5 feet apart, joined by beams of light. There is a Ruby Red pillar, representing Harmony; a Sapphire pillar representing Unity; an Emerald pillar representing Truth, and an Amethyst pillar, representing Will. There is some fumbling, and psychic damage, but eventually we figure it out - we all hold a different pillar, and the pillars flash with light, counting down. On the count of “one”, we all call out one of the representation words randomly, and we all randomly chose “Harmony”, and the door opened.

There is one door left, but we are tired, and Jim has an assignment to do.

We all level up - Level 12!

A Grimlock Mind Flayer city

Before the party spreads a vast cavern, smelling faintly of mold and loam. I think the loam smell comes from the dirt and fungi, and the mold smell comes from the Grimlocks. A “city” stands before us. I say city, but there’s only one building over 2 stories, and it’s pretty spread out for truly urban living. More like a jumped-up hamlet with one decent building in the middle.

Speaking of which, that building is only over 2 stories because of the big tentacle sticking out of it. It’s like sticking a huge flagpole on your skyscraper to be the “tallest”. You’re not fooling anyone, and just drawing attention to your need to compensate. I mean, a tentacle? Could it be more obvious?

The party sneaks carefully into the village. As we approach we hear a rhythmic clicking sound, and shadowy figures loom out of the dim light which gradually resolve to Grimlocks. Ethan described them as graceful, but I think that’s a bit of a stretch. Bats can see with sound too, but they’re gawky as shit. Having seen a Grimlock, they look like a blind mutant cross between bald dwarves and hill giants who were in the loo when the brains were handed out. But I digress.

As the party is passed by a group of Grimlocks, we all roll stealth, but apparently not well enough. The heads of the Grimlocks turn toward us, but then they pass on without comment. Which raises the question - why do they turn their heads? They have no eyes. The only reasons to do that are either if they have been acclimated to do it because they live in a primarily sighted community and do it to fit in (they don’t), or they do it to align their ears for better echo-location. But if they’s evolved to the point that their eyes have atrophied away, then they would have easily developed directable ears, removing the need to turn their heads. Even rabbits have directable ears, and they don’t even use sonar!

Anyhow, having been spotted once, Rusty is a bit peeved and uses his Ring of Spell Storing to cast Invisibility on himself. And he flies, so as not to make any noise of footsteps. Won’t help against non-magical blindsight, but it’s the thought that counts.

A Mind Flayer rounds the corner. Horus goes into an absolute tizzy, as he has just now remembered that Mind Flayers have 30’R sentience sense, and it’s close enough for it to activate! The entire party dives in different directions for cover, except Dennis and Rusty. Rusty holds Dennis’ just hand, and Dennis picks his feet up off the floor. He’s flying, but it technically turns him into something that Rusty is carrying. They’ve obviously done this before. The Mind Flayer doesn’t notice any of us, but it does notice a Grimlock walking past. “How long was your last shift?”, it asks. “27”, says the Grimlock. I think the assumption was that it was using hours as the unit of measurement, but that was never confirmed. Whatever, the Mind Flayer seemed appeased, and they both went on their ways.

Vilgax says:

I think Mirg’s house is this way.

The party continues to stealth our way through the town. The atmosphere is supposed to be foreboding and alien - we see odd architecture, the strange tentacle building, and obscure crafting areas. Everybody ignores all that entirely and looks for stuff to steal. The Captain spots a Grimlock dragging a cart of gems back from the mine and nicks a ruby off it. Again, it looks like the Grimlock notices, but doesn’t care. Rusty watches to see where the cart goes, which is, of course, the tentacle building. We follow Vilgax as he approaches a house on the outskirts of the village. Vilgax knocks, and there is a panicked scuffle from inside, including the breaking of glassware. The door opens a crack, and an eye doesn’t peer out. Honestly, why open the door if you can’t see? The figure says “Who’s there? What do you want with Mirg?” Then he peers about (again, why?) and sniffs the air (finally, some logic). “You’re not Mind Eaters.”

Dennis replies with “Well, one of us is.”

The Captain says “We have Villy G here, in da house.”

Vilgax says:

Sigh. Yes, Mirg, it’s me, Vilgax. We have need of your skills to protect us.

Grimlock Games

We enter Mirg’s hovel with alacrity before any more Mind Flayers wander into view. Mirg says he might help, but first he must check to see if we can see like Mirg sees. He asks a riddle: “As Mirg was travelling to Baldur’s Gate, upon the road Mirg met seven liches; every lich had seven phylacteries; every phylactery had seven imps; every imp had seven soul coins. Soul coins, imps, phylacteries and liches - how many were travelling to Baldur’s Gate?”

Horus gets very excited and squeaks “Oh, me, me. I’m very good at riddles. The answer is one! It was you, Mirg, you were the one travelling to Baldur’s gate!” Mirg also gets very excited and says that Horus also can see like Mirg, very good! He will help.

The Captain and Rusty both spotted the foolishness of Mirg. He did not state whether the liches and their caravans were travelling to or from Baldur’s gate, so they may have needed to be included. Also, the riddle specifically asked how many “Soul coins, imps, phylacteries and liches” were travelling to Baldur’s gate, so even if they were all going the opposite way, the answer should have been zero. Assuming that each lich group is indivisible, the answer could be anywhere from zero to 2,800 in groups of 400. Mirg should never have counted himself at all. However, both the Captain and Rusty were too clever to point out Mirg’s foolishness, because we apparently needed his help for something. Though Vilgax’s endless side-quests were wearing thin - we were starting to suspect that he was trying to distract us from achieving our actual goal.

Mirg tells that party that he can help us, but to do so he needs a special crystal. The crystal can be found deep in the mines, deep in the quarry. Mirg needs to inhale the dust from the crystal, and it will give him visions that he can transform into tattoos that will protect us. It is at this point that Rusty and The Captain realize that we have somehow signed on to enable some random cave dwellers crystal meth habit. The Captain, due to his profession, is in principle in favour of the use of drugs, so he’s fine with that. Rusty figures it might be funny.

Mirg goes on to explain that there is a problem. The Mind Flayers have placed a huge guardian creature in the quarry to protect their source of crystals. So, the drug dealers have a Rottweiler protecting their stash, OK. Mirg waxes lyrical about the horrors of the beast. We get it Mirg, you’re too scared to do it yourself. We’ll get your damn drugs.

Vilgax gets Mirg to calm down and make us some tea. This takes a surprisingly long time - apparently the drugs have already caused significant deterioration of Mirg higher brain functions. If he ever had any - he is a Grimlock. In the meantime, the party is distracted by Mirg’s young son, Rig, who coerces them into playing a game of indoor lawn bowls. He doesn’t seem to have a firm grasp of the rules, so he may have been getting into his Dad’s stash. Eventually the game winds down, and Louie has won. He gets a small hearing aid. It is a tiny magical item that does not require attunement, and if worn, grants +1 to Perception rolls. Louie enlists Rusty’s help to craft a headband so he can wear it, as he has no external ear flaps for it to hang off.

Vilgax is now chatting with Mirg over tea, and we get a slice of Mirg’s back-sob-story. “Mirg is different from other Grimlock. The Mind Flayers took Mirg when he was small, experimented on him. Now, when Mirg snorts the fairy dust crystal, he can take psionic pictures. Mirg is able to resist the Mind Flayers control sometimes, and sometimes, through the crack crystal dust, he can pass that resistance to others.” It is noted at this point that Rusty has experience with psionic crystal from his backstory. It’s a real thing, not just a drug fueled hallucination of a broken down old cave troll. Mirg continues: “The Mind Flayers use the Grimlocks like tools, to be used and discarded when they break. We live in constant fear. It was not always like this, though. Mirg remembers a time - long ago, when he was but a little Grimlock. A hero came, a shining knight that foretold of a time when we would be free of the Mind Flayers. He was a Githyanki, and he rode with a companion. Together, they fought the Mind Flayers, and briefly, the Grimlocks were free. We fled the caverns toward a promised land, while the knight and his companion went deeper into the caverns, bringing the fight to the Elder Brains below. It seems that they did not prevail - soon, the Mind Flayers returned, angrier and crueler than ever. The Grimlocks were subjugated once more, and our lives are worse than ever.” Rusty asked where they were fleeing to in this benighted land. Where did they think they could go that would be free of the Mind Flayers? Mirg said that the knight told them to travel to the endless pit and climb inside, and they would be taken to a new world.

Sounds like a death cult to Rusty, but what does he know?

Mirg than talks more of the guardian creature in the depths. It’s largely more of the same, but he does introduce one more informative point - the creature sleeps for long periods between waking. Of course it is awake right now, though. Mirg also expresses the belief that everything will be OK now, though, as Horus is going to go into the quarry to fix everything. It transpires that Mirg thinks that Horus is the companion of the Githyanki knight from so long ago. Horus panics about this (again), and starts to overthink how this could be. Rusty suspects that Mirg is just a racist bastard and all Harendon look alike to him. While Horus panics, the party comes to the conclusion that Gary is in fact the PC, and Horus is his familiar, and we address them in this manner from here on. Horus’ panicking was not in vain, however. He gets himself into such a state that his hyperactivity translates to double actions in his next 5 turns of combat.

The Captain was, unsurprisingly, bored by all these goings on, and ends up in conversation with Rig. The Captain plays Rock-Paper-Scissors with Rig in exchange for all his potions. The Captain loses, and has to play hide and seek with Rig as punishment. Rig runs out into the street while The Captain counts. The Captain heads out to look for him.

Rusty notices that Rig’s room is on fire. He looks about and recognises a badly organised Alchemist lab when he sees one. He also recognises the flame as coming from Alchemists Fire, so he’s not stupid enough to pour water on it. He leaves it be, knowing that once the Alchemists fire is exhausted, it will turn into a normal fire which will be easy to put out, but it is getting larger. Rusty wets the desk around the fire with non-flammable mineral oil to keep the fire contained while he looks for some BromoChloroDiFlouroMethane (BCF) powder. Once what BCF is and how you make it is explained to the DM, we notice a small mound of white powder to one side. Rusty, being aware of the explosive flammability of many white powders (flour, sugar, cocaine), tests a small sample by dropping a tiny amount into a flame he exudes from his finger. It passes through the fire unharmed. Rusty then uses some more of it to extinguish the Alchemists fire.

Horus notices a scroll in Rig’s room, covered in dots. It’s written in Braille, and after some confusion, it is decided that Braille is an encoding of Common, and thus resistant to Comprehend Languages. Horus leaves the pretty modern art where it lies.

Grimlock booty

The Captain locates Rig by stepping on him, and in return, receives all the potions Rig has on him:

Rig then mutters in Thieves Cant “You ugly troll rat”. The Captain responds in kind, “Nice try kid. You got some moves, though. Here, have a sombrero.” Rig decides The Captain is the coolest person in the world, and they start to head back to the house. On the way, they spy a patrol of Mind Flayers in the way. Rig aims his slingshot over to the side, deep into the cave, and fires off a firework which explodes in the distance. The Mind Flayers move off to investigate, and The Captain and Rig make it safely back to the house. Once there, he gives The Captain the scroll of Greater Restoration, and The Captain gives it to Horus, after explaining what Braille is. There is some hand-waving done to allow Horus to copy scrolls of spells that would normally be Cleric spells into his spell book, and in the process, convert them to Wizard spells for the purposes of preparation. Within one hour, the spell is in Horus’ book. The Captain uses this time to craft a tower shield using Bigby’s Benificent Bracelet’s Force Sculpture ability.

The quarry we need to enter is on the north side of the cavern, and Mirg warns us that the Mind Flayers are part of a hive mind - what one knows, they all know. This makes taking them out problematic.

Tunnel adventures

As the party departs Mirg’s house, Rusty overhears a psychic conversation in his local vicinity. “What do you mean, you were studying? I was studying, you were just not paying attention!” “You’re not the boss of me! We all have projects to work on, too.” “Well, we can’t just have explosives going off for no reason that we don’t know where they came from! You all should be paying more attention” “Us? What about you? You pay more attention”.

Vilgax looks to Rusty and telepathically mutters “Morons.”

The party successfully stealths to the quarry entrance. There are a large number of Grimlocks moving through the area, taking gems and crystals out, taking empty carts in, and sporadically being whipped by the single Mind Flayer standing in the centre of the entrance. We know it can sense sentience within 30’ - there’s no way to get past it. It is distracted, though, interacting with an altar in the center of the area, and occasionally drawing psychic energy from it. At the edges of the caverns are rusted iron cages holding more Grimlocks who are off shift.

The party comes up with a plan.

When the Mind Flayer is looking at the altar, and therefore away from us, Horus casts Hold Monster on it and freezes it in place. Louie races forward (behind its field of view) and beats the hell out of it, killing it in one round. At the same time, The Captain throws some rocks so they fall in the Mind Flayer’s field of view, making it appear that there has been a localized cave-in to the hive mind. He successfully convinces them that this was just a freak mining accident.

The party quickly enters the mine before other Mind Flayers come to see what happened. The Captain filches some gems from the carts on the way in - he lifts 2 x 200GP diamonds, which he immediately gives to Horus to use as Greater Restoration components. Louie grabs 5 x 30GP emeralds.

As the party travels deeper into the left hand branch of the mine, it gets darker, and the passage becomes more cramped. Raymond has to climb into Louie’s portable hole. Rusty is thinking about jumping into the ship, but it never quite comes to that. As we are crawling through a particularly tight space, Dennis and Horus are caught in a section as the roof starts to collapse. Dennis grabs Horus’ hand and attempts to shadow step out, but Horus wasn’t expecting that and reflexively squirts grease over everything. Regardless, they just manage to get clear before the falling rocks crush them.

It is now so dark that The Captain is walking into walls. Horus grants him Darkvision to some ridiculous range. The party notices a rotten egg smell, and Rusty explains that as long as they can still smell it, it isn’t at dangerous levels. If the smell slowly fades away, then that is OK - but if anyone suddenly cannot smell it, then the gas has built up to dangerous levels and we should get out. Obviously he didn’t go into quite enough detail, as Ethan apparently doesn’t know that Sulphur Dioxide is non-flammable, and can actually be used as a fire extinguisher, it is so stable. This will become important later.

As the party proceeds, it starts to get extremely cold. Various heating options are implemented, all utilizing fire (except for Horus’ cloak of rabbits), and there is a sudden flash, the rotten egg smell disappears, and everyone takes a pile of fire damage. Because the Sulphur Dioxide explosively caught fire. Sigh. We are helpfully told that the smell of rotten eggs suddenly disappeared, so as per Rusty’s instructions, we should be worried. We heal up a bit and proceed onward, this time with The Captain using Mage Hand to hold an everlasting candle 30 feet in front of the party to set off any gas pockets. It occasionally flares.

The Captain and Louis spot some odd formations in the rock, and upon further investigation it reveals a hidden passage, almost completely closed off by a boulder. Louis, The Captain and Raymond working together manage to shift it, and we then ignore the hidden passage to continue down the main one.

Just kidding, of course we investigate the hidden passage! Everyone knows that is where the good loot is! After traveling down it for a long time, we come upon a chamber with nothing of value in it whatsoever. Just a stupid statue that looks a bit like “old” Horus (and some rando Githyanki), some writing on the wall that The Captain left himself (1242. Don’t trust the first Bane. Trust the second Bane. Don’t eat any food. Death to all Weresharks), and a boombox behind the statue that Rusty left as a prank in some distant past. This is supposed to intrigue the characters with time travel shenanigans, but it is overshadowed by the utter lack of loot and nobody cares. We go back to the main passage that we should have gone down in the first place.

About 250’ further along the tunnel, the earth slopes up until it meets the ceiling, blocking the passage. Strange sounds come from it. Rusty tries to Mold Earth it, but it doesn’t work - which means that the earth is, in some way, magical. Horus steps up with Dispel Magic, and the earth in the passageway vanishes to expose an Earth Elemental and an Air Elemental making woo-woo noises and looking amused, until they look suddenly surprised and then embarrassed. Horus takes a shot at Persuading them to let us pass. Louie follows that up with a solid attempt an Intimidation. Blanks looks. Rusty then translates what was just said, and one of the rolls must have worked because they sheepishly step aside and allow us to proceed.

Rumble in the Tunnel

The tunnel opens out into a massive cavern, with wind blowing out of it rhythmically. We look up. Then further up. The cavern is almost filled with a Tarrasque, which would be bad enough, but this is a special Tarrasque, with tentacles and brain patches. It is 50’ high and 70’ long, and it doesn’t look like there is anywhere in the cavern that would be out of its reach - which is good for not prompting opportunity attacks, but less good for getting out of its way. Horus recalls a legend that the Mind Flayers had, at some point, come across a Crown of Domination. The Elder Brains had used its powers to dominate a Tarrasque, and then subjected it to horrible experimentation, resulting in an enhanced force of nature, a legendary Tarrasque under their control that had most of the common weaknesses of a Tarrasque removed - it had mental powers, and ranged attacks, it was better in every way. So, of course, they used this absolutely priceless asset to fill a random hole somewhere nobody has ever heard of. Obvious, really. Anyway, Horus theorizes that if it can be significantly weakened, then - and only then - Banishment should work on it. For a while, anyway. The Captain notices, written on the wall in Thieves Cant: “Oh Captain, my Captain, use sonic attacks.” He relays this information to the party.

Initiative! The Tarrasque goes first because it has the epic boon “Feat of Alacrity”. Rusty is second with 26. Horus comes next with 23, then The Captain with 23 as well, then Dennis with 20, Louie and Raymond on 16, and Vilgax with an abysmal 8. It would be cause for ridicule, if not for Gary’s absolutely unexplainable 2. Honestly, should he even get a turn?

At the start of combat, Rusty is already invisible, and Raymond has his table out.

Round 1

The Tarrasque opens with a slam attack - an area of effect attack that hits the entire party. Only The Captain makes his DEX save, so in addition to damage, everyone except him is now prone. Then a claw attack on Dennis - critical hit! Except Rusty Silvery Barbs him, and while Dennis is still hit, at least it’s not instakill stuff. The Captain attempts a reaction attack (Sentinel) but misses. Then another claw attack on Rusty, then a bite on Horus. Horus makes his save to avoid being swallowed. Lastly the Tarrasque fires tail spikes at Dennis (hit), Rusty (miss), Vilgax (hit) and Louie (hit).

Rusty picks himself up off the ground and runs as far as he has movement left, then releases Minion who goes further, turns back to fire Shatter at the Tarrasque, and then keeps going until he is behind a pillar.

Horus leaps an astonishing distance, behind Minion’s pillar - get your own hiding spot! Then heals himself.

Vilgax uses a Legendary Action to cast some sort of healing spirit spell, which starts to heal up the party a bit.

The Captain fires one of his Dreadnaught armour piercing arrows and does impressive damage on the first hit - but his second hit misses. Except Orianna helps him, and it hits! Nice! Then he drinks his Potion of Speed and has another go. Another hit!

Dennis is forced by some sort of mind control to bite Vilgax, which he does. Then he gets his turn, and stabs the Tarrasque, whereupon we find that it is immune to both poison and stun. So fuck Dennis, right? Never mind, he keeps hitting and finishes his turn riding the Tarrasque like a mechanical bull.

Louie casts Magical Weapon on Raymond’s prosthetic teeth. Why did we get the table out? Anyway, Louie and Raymond then strike away at the Tarrasque, with some hits and some misses.

Vilgax heals himself and then casts Bless on the party.

Gary flies to about midway between Horus and The Captain, and casts Intellect Fortress on them, then flees to the back of the cavern and pretends that he does not exist.

Round 2

The Tarrasque regenerates 60HP. Then it hits Dennis for 19 HP + 4 HP Psychic damage. Dennis will have to figure out how to do that. Then it claws Vilgax. Then it moves a bit, tail spikes Horus, tail spikes Minion - killing him - and bites Dennis. Impressive flexibility. It finishes up with another stomp attack on Rusty and The Captain - The Captain saves again! Rusty doesn’t.

Rusty gets up, again, and runs over to where Minion was. He picks up the spell storing item Minion was using, and uses it to shoot the Tarrasque, becoming visible in the process. Then he ducks behind the pillar again.

Horus girds his loins and whips up a 6th level spell slot fireball and looses it at the Tarrasque, doing the massive total of no damage, because it is immune to fire. Fine! How about a 5th level Guiding Bolt right up your ass, then! Don’t mind if I do, says the Tarrasque, reflecting it back on to Horus. Horus tucks his fluffy little tail between his legs and jumps away again.

The Captain comes out from behind his indestructible shield for long enough to hit the Tarrasque three times, then ducks back behind it and hides. You’re not fooling anyone, Captain! Except the Tarrasque, apparently.

Dennis takes two swings at the Tarrasque and misses both times, then shadow steps away, hides behind a pillar, and Hand of Heals himself off death’s door.

Louie takes a swing at the Tarrasque, but there is a Wall of Force in the way. So he rides Raymond around the pillar to the other side and has another go, but misses.

Vilgax heals Rusty and Horus 85 HP each.

Gary continues to hide like a little b*tch.

There is a flare of wild Chronomancy, or something, causing 62HP if damage to the Tarrasque. That should just offset its next round of regeneration.

Here pauseth the lesson, as it is very late.

A detour on the way to hell

The party is travelling through Bluetspur to assault Mt Makab when Vilgax informs us that we forgot to do something.

In order to get into Mt Makab, we need to use a teleportation circle, but we do not have all the resources we need. But - I know a guy. We will travel to see my friend.

OK then. We change direction, and are rewarded by an environmental hazard which forces the party to make DEX saves. The Captain and Dennis are all “This is my JAM!”. Turns out it was the whole parties jam - the lowest roll was 23, and we waltzed through that weather like it was nothing!

Vilgax leads us into a cave that goes deeper, and deeper, etc. There are motes of light floating throughout the space - Rusty grabs one for copying, but can’t hold onto it as the gauntlet he was using un-smelts itself. The mote floats away, and the gauntlet slow re-smelts itself back to normal.

We round a bend to see a large number of floating things. A small table, complete with a teapot and cups and saucers. Chairs, surrounding the table. A large number of scrolls, around a disk with a rabbit on it. The rabbit is white, wears a t-shirt with a bow tie (weird - where does the tie go? The t-shirt has no collar. Does he wear it like a male stripper?), a waistcoat, and has a number of pocket-watches.

From behind the rabbit, a Mind Flayer looms into view, tentacles reaching toward the rabbit’s head. The Mind Flayer in question must have been starving, because rabbit brains aren’t that big, and it’d have to deal with the furballs to get to it. It doesn’t get the chance, though, as its approach slows down the closer it gets - then black tentacles emerge from below, wrap around it, and squeeze until it pops in a shower of silver-white blood.

Vilgax appears unbothered by these goings on, and approaches the table. We can now see that on the table is a small white duck, also wearing a bow tie.

Impressive as always, Horus. I’ve brought some friends to see you. They managed to extract themselves from the Simulation. How is your research going?

It turns out that “Horus” is the rabbit, not the duck, because it is the rabbit that answers. “The research, the research, yes, yes, yes. The abyssal ichor of a Sibriex can be used to penetrate the security protections used with teleportation circles. The chaotic essence makes it particularly useful for overcoming complex magical wards.”

This is good. There is a magical research site to the east that will have what we need.

Vilgax asks if the party can take time for a short rest. Dennis concurs. While they rest, the others talk. The Captain asks Horus’ duck where it got its bow tie. The duck does not answer, but Horus tells us that the ducks name is Gary. We proceed to introduce all our familiar-adjacent creatures to each other, and Gary is introduced to Minion the Homonculous (assistant to Rusty), Oriana the Carionette (friend to The Captain), and Raymond the baby Colossal Frog (and steed to Louie). That took about an hour, and then everyone was ready to go!

Marching to Victory

We leave the cave. Louie steals Horus’ table to give to Raymond. The party travels 2-3 minutes through the tunnels before Rusty notices a faint red glow coming from the darkness. Dennis approaches it - it is the glowing nose of a Revallian’s corpse. The body is almost completely intact - it is only missing the upper back part of its skull, and the brain that was once, presumably, inside. Floating beside the corpse is an obscure mechanical device, covered in a sticky goo. On closer investigation, the goo turns out to be Mind Flayer spit, and the device is a cephalometer, used to measure the volume of a persons head, and it also somehow measures their innate psychic potential. And their brains nutritional value. Dennis takes the device to give to Rusty.

Soon the party exits the tunnels, and emerges to the “daytime” of Bluetspur. There is no sun, instead there is a dying red orb hanging in the sky. There was some discussion between Horus and Rusty as to what the orb actually was, and the final decision was that they would agree to disagree. But Rusty knew he was right.

After an hour of traveling through the acrid air, across the spongy ground, we spy a massive bloated form, covered in eyes, chains and enormous metal hooks. Near it stands a demon (a Slaughter Demon). Chained to a slab below the monster are five Revallians, the tentacles of the monster trailing across their bodies. The party waited for Ethan to get any Hentai fantasies out of his system, but after a short period of heroic struggle, he managed to restrain himself.

The Sibriex speaks: “Ah, fresh subjects for my farts (sic). Come closer my little ones, and I will show you the true meaning of beauty.” We never found out what he wanted to do with his farts, but didn’t feel too bad at not gaining that knowledge.

Initiative! The Captain - 28! Horus - 25! Louie - 24! Dennis and Rusty both got 18. Rusty chose to go after Dennis. The Sibriex’s roll wasn’t revealed to us, but he came after Rusty. The Slaughter Demon inserted itself in the initiative order between The Captain and Horus.

Round 1

The Captain opens proceedings by shooting the Sibriex. He hits it, for some damage, but has to make a WIS save just for looking at it. He fails, and his WIS reduced by 1d4. That was unpleasant, so for his second attack, he shoots the Slaughter Demon, and then attempts to hide behind Horus, who is even smaller than he is.

The Slaughter Demon shoots The Captain with a Critical Hit! Or would have - Horus cast Silvery Barbs, and the second roll is a critical miss. It shoots itself in the foot. Then it shoots Horus.

With the first of a startlingly large number of legendary/lair actions, the Sibriex transforms one of the Revallians into another Slaughter Demon (SD2).

Horus Magic Missiles SD1.

The Sibriex uses a legendary/lair action to create another Slaughter Demon (SD3).

SD2 hits Dennis with a critical hit - Rusty cast silvery barbs, and it misses. Then it hits Louie, then Raymond, then has a go at Rusty but misses.

Louie mounts Raymond and then shoots the Sibriex with his bow. He also took WIS damage for his temerity.

The Sibriex uses a legendary/lair action to create another Slaughter Demon (SD4).

SD3 hits Horus with a critical hit - no! Horus has already had his turn, so gets his reaction back. Silvery Barbs! Miss! In disgust, SD3 hits The Captain instead - successfully - and manages to poison him.

Raymond closes into melee with the Sibriex, and it uses its reaction to vomit black tar all over him, which does so much poison damage GODDAMN IT! Of course, Louie and Raymond are immune to poison.

The Sibriex uses a legendary/lair action to create another Slaughter Demon (SD5). It is finally out of Revallians to convert.

Dennis uses his Astral Cord whip to wail on one of the Slaughter Demons, and he hits it 4 times, but doesn’t get any critical hits. It was very depressing.

The Sibriex uses another legendary/lair action to paralyze Louie and Raymond.

SD5 attacks Louie and does a pile of damage.

Rusty shoots SD1 and it explodes. First blood!

The Sibriex says “Leave the amphibians and you may all go free.” The party is disinclined to acquiesce to his request. He attacks the heretics ringleaders: Dennis. Miss! Rusty: Miss! Horace: Hit. Damn. So Much Damage. Then he auto hits Louie - enough damage to drop him. Then he also does enough damage to Raymond to drop him. The Sibriex says “I am not fucking around! I already have 2 new fart displays!” He then has another shot and hitting Dennis and Rusty, but keeps missing.

Gary waits.

Vilgax spins out a drop of psychic energy, casting Mass Heal and bringing the entire party back to full health.

Round 2

The Captain shoots SD5, and moves to hide behind Rusty, who is bigger.

Horus casts a spell on Gary, who starts to fly (not from the spell - he could fly already. No idea yet what the spell was).

SD2 hits Dennis and does a critical hit, except Rusty casts Silvery Barbs again and it misses. It hits Dennis on the second and third goes, though, but no more crits.

Louie starts his turn restrained, but rolls a 20 on his strength check to escape and runs away blowing his own horn. His Horn of Invisibility. That makes him invisible - but only while playing the horn. In my head cannon it is a vuvuzela, that sounds about right for Louie.

SD3 swings wildly trying in vain to hit Louie.

SD4 throws 4 javelins at Rusty, but only hits with one of them.

Dennis gives up on his whip, and goes back to the tried and true approach of punching his problems away. He punches SD2 and kills it. So he moves on to punching SD3, but doesn’t finish the job this round.

Rusty grabs the chain restraining Horus and uses his All Purpose Tool to sever it. Holding on to the end that is still connected to the Sibriex, he discharges his lightning launchers directly into the chains. The nice, conductive chains. Which allows him to strike the Sibriex, at range, without having to roll to attack or even look at it. The Sibriex screams, and severs the chain himself at his end. Cut your own arm off, fothermucker!

The Sibriex then shoots Dennis and drops him. It shoots Louie and does damage. It misses Rusty, Vilgax and The Captain. It hits Horus for major damage. Then it decides to use its remaining 2 attacks on The Captain, hitting twice but rolling so badly that the combined damage was less than it did to Horus with one hit.

Gary, finally, reaches where the Sibriex is, but 50 feet up. The Sibriex’s location will, from now on, be referred to as ground zero. Vilgax once again shows proper sensibilities and obtains consent before once again shoving his filthy psionic energy right into Gary. Gary opens his mouth with a shocked Quack! and drops the fireball onto ground zero. The fireball now absolutely loaded with Vilgax’s emanations, and behaving as if it were cast using a 9th level slot.

Once the mushroom cloud rises far enough that we can see under it, we observe that the Sibriex and all the remaining Slaughter Demons are dead.

Rusty brings Dennis back to life. Dennis extracts some ichor from the Sibriex’s corpse. Horus casts Tiny Hut. Inside that, Rusty casts Magnificent Mansion. Everyone has a long rest.

Dreams of wonder and horror

While we all sleep, everyone details their dreams:

• The Captain dreams of the high seas, swashing his buckle, and drinking beer.
• Rusty has a nightmare about losing memories.
• Louie dreams about the semi-visible people he used to see when he was still in the Simulation.
• Horus dreams of his workshop, and all the cool stuff in it.
• Raymond dreams of ponds.
• Gary dreams of swimming on a lake on a fine summers day, accompanied by his wife and two children.
• Dennis dreams dreams of blood, of massacring Mind Flayers until there are none left.

The party wakes, and looks around to find their dreams have solidified into reality. The Captain has a mug of ale in one hand, and a sword in the other. There is a small pond of water next to Raymond. There are 3 more ducks around Gary. There is a workshop desk in the corner. Rusty is feebleminded. Louie is surrounded by Mind Flayers, about to kill him, until they are shredded by a half-awake Dennis.

Vilgax is the first to notice that Rusty is having mental issues, and Dennis recognises the symptoms of feeblemind from personal, recent experience. Nobody here can cast Greater Restoration. Of course. Dennis has the idea to try and restore Rusty’s mind using the backup we made, so we give it a go. There is some grinding and churning noises, but it does eventually work.

While this is going on, Gary’s child finds something cool on the body parts Dennis left lying around, and starts playing with it. The resulting blast misses Horace - just - and the chase is on to retrieve the device from the duckling before anyone gets hurt. Horace misses their chance, but The Captain never misses! He is now the proud owner of a Mind Flayer Psionic Blaster.

Horace tries to send Gary’s wife and children back to their home plane, and it is determined that they do, in fact, operate as if they are Horace’s familiars. Nice.

The party decides that sleep is for the weak, and they will never do it again.

Finally, to Mt Makab!

The party now heads toward Mt Makab, or at least where the teleportation circle to enter Mt Makab is. After several hours of travel, we all start to experience increasing headaches, intrusive thoughts, and waking nightmares. Horace believes that Mt Makab is emanating psychic power, and it will only get worse as we get closer. Rusty makes some notes and mutters something about inverse square laws, and wonders if it would be possible to triangulate the source, if only we had a device capable of measuring the amplitude of the power. Maybe the cephalometer he picked up earlier could be adapted?

According to Horace, we can imbue ourselves with protection by implanting a psychic tattoo. The only creature we know about that is able to do such a thing is Mirg, a Grimlock that Horace and Vilgax know. It lives in a village in the tunnels beneath Bluetspur.

No! To somewhere else!

Vilgax says:

I believe that if we enter any cavern or cave, we will be able to tunnel to the Grimlocks subterranean village.

This sparks a tunnelling competition. The Captain is going old school with a shovel. No idea where he got one of those. Horace does some deep thought, and decides to re-summon Gary as a creature with a tunnelling speed. He does it as a ceremony to save a spell slot, though, so it takes him 70 minutes. In that time, Rusty has dug a tunnel, 5’x5’ and 3500 feet long, using the Mold Earth cantrip. He put in steps so we could easily climb down.

Astonishingly, that wasn’t enough. We fall into the tunnels under Bluetspur after 5000’ of tunnelling. As soon as we arrive, a voice behind us says “Hi there. I’d like to offer my smelling services to you. Is there any smelling that you need performed?” We peer about to see a Svirfneblin, with a characteristically large nose. The party politely declines, and heads off.

After some walking, we reach a door. Standing in front of the door is another Svirfneblin, who proclaims that he will allow us through his door if we pay him with gems. The Captain does a pretty fine job of persuading him of the existence of highly valuable, invisible, weightless, odorless and in fact intangible gems. In the end it doesn’t work, but we had him going for a while. Another deep gnome wanders up with payment to pass through the door, and in the meantime, we tunnel around it into the next passage. This sparks a debate as to whether we are allowed to do that, and the door-gnome produces a deed that proclaims him the sole proprietor of this area. In a freak accident, it weirdly caught fire as soon as he brought it out. As it was the only copy, we determined that any legal force it may have held was nullified.

Just past the now defunct door, we come across a Myconid that says “If you are heading that way toward the Grimlock villages, you will need to be careful. There are dangerous areas. If you give me a magic item, I’ll give you what you need to pass safely.” Honestly, this entire tunnel complex is just packed with grifters. Rusty gives him a boombox (a magical tinker - it’s technically magical!). The Captain gives his his Mind Carapace armour. In return, the Myconid pulls some sprouts from his arms and hands them to us. They are his Myconid babies. If we eat them, they will prevent our presence from causing the spores in the next chamber from exploding.

Louie now had a major crisis of conscience. The party unanimously chose the role of the devil on the shoulder - nobody thought acting as heaven’s advocate was of any value whatsoever. Despite this, it was an uphill battle. At this point, The Captain eats his Myconid baby and gets the Nature proficiency. This changes everything! The Captain attempts to pickpocket more babies off the Myconid. He kind of succeeds? When the Myconid departs, we are left with 4 babies (including the one The Captain ate). At that point we realize that the party is actually 1 member larger than we are accustomed to, and we needed 6. There is some significant confusion, until Rusty hands Dennis the Ship in a Bottle, and disappears. We can see a tiny Rusty waving to us from the deck. Vilgax doesn’t have one either, but doesn’t seem concerned and none of us care about him.

Even after all that, it still took some time to get Louie to eat his Myconid baby. The big baby.

At this point a gnome pushing a wheelbarrow walks past, pulls out his Myconid baby, and pulls a tiny piece off to eat before putting the baby back in his pocket. He then walks through the next room without incident.

What the hell. We start walking through too. Vilgax casts Otiluke’s Resilient Sphere around himself, and The Captain pushes him through. The passage opens into a large garden, there are myriad variations of mushrooms and fungi everywhere. Spores fill the air until it almost looks foggy. We walk through. Nothing happens.

Exiting that chamber, the passage way opens up again to a massive underground cavern. Dennis waves to Rusty, who comes back out of the ship. Before us is a whole town. In the center is a large stone building with a tentacle coming out of the ceiling. The streets are filled with Mind Flayers, laying about themselves with whips, driving their Grimlock slaves on.

What will our intrepid heroes do?

Whatever it is, it will be next week.

Vilgax Exposits

The party finds itself in Bluetspur. Everyone is suffering from anxiety, except Rusty, and for some reason, Dennis.

Rusty remembers that this is Bluetspur, and feels like he is suffering from brain fog. He recalls that when you leave Bluetspur, some of your memories are lost leaving gaps.

Vilgax lowers his hood in front of the party - he’s a Mind Flayer! Whaaaat? Who could have known? He says:

I mean you no harm. I was once like them. Mind Flayers reproduce differently to other races - we reproduce by implanting our young in another sentient host, a process called ceremorphosis. This transforms the host into an adult Mind Flayer. In addition, we feed by eating the brains of sentient creatures.

I was tasked with taking a shipment of slurry, a mixture of food and tadpoles, to a plane called Faerun. I disagreed with my orders, but was forced to obey. Mind Flayers have a kind of hive mind, where we are all part of a collective. When I reached Faerun, I purposely crashed my Nautiloid. I was captured by a local race called Duergar, and taken to their fortress where I was starved and tortured for an extended period - I don’t know how long. One day, a team of adventurers calling themselves the Forphange (I don’t know why) raided the fortress and I was freed by a Yuan-Ti. I was inspired by their actions and came to respect individuality and self-determination. The torture had separated me from the hive mind, so I was free to act of my own volition - I came to value that, and determined that all sentient creatures should have the same privilege.

Eventually, I returned to Bluetspur and attempted to convince others of my race to adopt my ideals. I went - poorly. I was chased and hunted by my fellows, led by the High Master, a Mind Flayer called Sinned.

Sinned’s power is immense, and growing. He has abilities beyond a normal Mind Flayer. We are all prone to experiment on lesser races, but Sinned has the ability to reverse engineer the results of these experiments, and extract useful traits, and graft those traits onto other creatures. You may have noticed that some of the hulks you fought had abilities similar to your own.

On that subject, sorry for killing you, Dennis. I thought it was needed to alert you all to the nature of your reality, and I knew they would re-insert you into the simulation.

Finally, to put your minds at ease, your brains are safe from me. I no longer eat brains to survive. When I had my change of heart, I agonised over the requirement for sustenance. I was helped by an ingenious tinkerer who made me this ring. You might recognize it, Rusty.

He shows Rusty a ring, and while Rusty does not remember it, it does bear his maker glyph. He must have made it at some time.

Do you remember escaping Bluetspur in a Nautiloid, Rusty, Dennis? Do you remember how you got the ship?

Rusty has fuzzy memories, but Dennis has none.

Rusty, you had lived in Bluetspur for some time without the Mind Flayers discovering you. When you encountered Dennis, you came to their attention, and you both had to flee. I managed to get a ship so you could flee.

I imagine you don’t know much about what the Simulation is. It is a massive, collective shared simulated reality, constructed from the observations and memories of all the Mind Flayers in the hive mind. It overlaps with Bluetspur. Mind Flayers can move in and out of it at will, like moving to and from the Ethereal Plane. Much as you did to leave.

We should retrieve your real bodies as soon as possible. There are two ways we can do this - by going to Mount Makab directly, or by collapsing the Simulation from within. You already have one obelisk - you could collapse the simulation by re-entering the Simulation and retrieving another one.”

The Captain interjected at this point to ask if the Mind Flayers had pretended to be Bane to trick him, or if he had interacted with the real Bane. Vilgax explains that unless Bane has grown greatly in power, it was probably a simulated Bane. He asks The Captain a few questions about his interactions with Bane, and concludes that it was almost certainly a simulation. He then explained that any abilities granted inside the Simulation can be rescinded at any time by the Mind Flayers running it.

The party then had a discussion about what to do. We asked if the Mind Flayers could observe or track us while we were not inside the Simulation - no, they can’t. What happens if we get another obelisk? The Simulation collapses and we wake up in our bodies. Where are our bodies? Very likely, inside Mount Makab. Even people who have “died” inside the Simulation are probably there, and recoverable. Probably.

The Captain then asked if there was anything we could do to protect our memories from tampering. Vilgax tells us that we can use Mind Flayer memory disks to store our memories. Later, when we touch those disks, we would get any memories back that we lost. The team immediately make a backup.

Then The Captain asks the big question. “Where is Blackrazor?” Vilgax says that the Mind Flayers removed it from the simulation, and that it was almost certainly in Mt Makab with our bodies. “Is there a volcano anywhere in Bluetspur?” Vilgax says there is not, but there is the Pit of Depths. It is a huge hole - nobody knows how deep it is, but nothing that is thrown in ever returns.

A Decision is made

The party decides not to re-enter the Simulation, and instead to proceed with a direct assault on Mt Makab. After a nap.

The party are basically Gods.

As we move toward Mt Makab, Vilgax motions for us all to stop. A swarm of gargantuan rocks is hurtling toward us! A species of planetoid well known for its stunning stealth abilities, it got within striking distance before we realized! Louie opens his portable hole with the intention of diving inside, but in the indeterminate gravity of the Ethereal plane, the contents instead rocket out directly into his face, doing damage, but fortunately hurling him out of the way of the boulders. Dennis then scoops up the portable hole, sweeps it across the party, and uses his awesome movement rate to evade the rocks. Sure, the party inside the hole are all underwater and being shaken around, but they can all hold their breaths.

Everything is going well as we weave between the rocks, when suddenly the portable hold stops being a portable hole and spews its contents everywhere. Dennis and the party take a bunch of damage! Raymond vanishes! All our magic gear becomes normal gear! What’s going on?

Out of the rocks looms an Astral Dreadnaught, pinning the entire party with its anti-magic gaze.

Round 1

Louie closes with it, but can’t reach melee, so he shoots at it with his bow. Then Rusty closes to melee distance and hits it with his tentacles and stench cloud (as none of his stuff works). The Dreadnaught hits Rusty and Louie. Dennis closes the range and hits the Dreadnaught with a critical hit, and a bunch of other hits. The Dreadnaught is displeased, and focuses his anti-magic gaze on Dennis (which is a bit pointless), but it highlights to the party that if we spread out, only one of can be shut down at a time. The Captain moves out of the anti-magic field and shoots the Dreadnaught for two doses of sneak attack damage, one of which critical hits! Awesome! Not the Dreadnaught has two people to be upset with.

Vilgax gets consent first, which is nice - but then shoves his filthy psionic energy right up into Louie. Louie is understandably hasted. Vilgax then casts Blinding Smite on Dennis for his next set of attacks.

Round 2

Louie thumps the Dreadnaught on his go. Rusty moves himself out of the anti-magic field, and fires up his lightning launchers to shoot the Dreadnaught. The Dreadnaught has a short working memory, and as Louie is the most recent person to hit him really hard, he hits Louie on his turn. Then Dennis crits the Dreadnaught and the Blinding Smite goes off which blinds it. The anti-magic field (which is a gaze attack) stutters out. Dennis keeps hitting and ends with another critical hit. The Captain shoots the Dreadnaught for two more sets of sneak attack damage - and it’s dead.

That was quick, and it turns out that Ethan actually buffed it with an extra few hundred hit points. We are combat gods!

Loot the bodies

Rusty extracts the Dreadnaught’s eye, and Ethan allows him to make a crafting roll (which of course he makes) to turn it into an Amulet of the Astral Dreadnaught.

The Captain, not to be outdone, takes the Dreadnaught’s claw points and crafts 6 magical arrows from them.

Louie notices Astral Essence leaking from the Dreadnaught’s corpse, and decides it is a good idea to eat it. Selune apparently steps in to convert the energy into something other than Essence of Killing Dumb-Frogs. Louie gains a divine smite ability. Four times, when smiting, he can roll d100. If he rolls between 31 and 86 inclusive, he does not expend a spell slot, but instead gets a 9th level smite.

Dennis’ attunement to spiritual energy allows him to perceive and interact with the Astral cord trailing behind the Dreadnaught. By expending all but 3 of his ki, and requiring an extra short rest to recover them, he gains an Astral Cord Whip.

Onwards

Vilgax speaks again:

That was incredibly impressive. I don’t know if you realize what a Titan is, but that was one. I fear for anyone who fights you. I tip my tentacles to you.

As the party continues on, Rusty asks Vilgax how memories are corrupted upon leaving Bluetspur, and how one might protect oneself from it. Vilgax acknowledges that the Mind Flayers do mess with peoples memories, but they are not responsible for the effect the occurs when an entity departs Bluetspur - that is an effect of the plane, or the mist. The way Mind Flayers influence people is through the implantation of tiny needles, which can affect the victims memories, thoughts, and behaviour. However, using the memory backups should be useful to protect memories when one departs Bluetspur.

As the party follows Vilgax, a vast alien city appears ahead. The ruins are strange, with symbols adorning the architecture that appear to change whenever they are out of sight. The winds carry unsettling whispers of minds long since destroyed.

Rusty asks Vilgax what his aims are. He’s opposed to the Mind Flayers, but what does he hope to do? What would be their fate if he had his own way? Vilgax says he would like to see the Simulation destroyed forever, and all the creatures trapped in it freed. He wants the Mind Flayers to be placed in a situation where they have to live without the Simulation, and to force them to invest in alternative ways of surviving. He knows it is possible thanks to the ring Rusty made for him.

As the party continues along, we enter a warped forest, with trees of obsidian glass that reflect fractal patterns. It glows with an eerie green light that seems to be alive. The fallen leaves on the forest floor crunch and tinkle like broken glass. The party has the insistent feeling of being watched. What secrets lie within?

The Well of Lost Memories

We enter the forest. The Captain senses something ahead, and we find a well filled with a wispy, shimmering liquid. Vilgax informs us that this is the well of lost memories. Each sip grants a vision, but at the cost of losing one memory forever.

Dennis doesn’t care and takes a sip. He receives visions:

Dennis returns to the present, and relays what he learned to Rusty, and then to The Captain. Dennis thinks that he may have had visions of his past life. Dennis asks Vilgax about Sinned, and if is a Mind Flayer. He is. Then he asked if he maybe wasn’t always a Mind Flayer, and of course he would once have been a sentient creature that was implanted by ceremorphosis. The plot thickens. Vilgax notes that Sinned has been a Mind Flayer since before Vilgax was created, though he wasn’t made High Master until shortly after Dennis and Rusty escaped Bluetspur.

Dennis asks if it is possible to revert a Mind Flayer to its prior existence, and Vilgax isn’t sure. He mutters some rubbish about a Wish granted by a tier 1 god, or turning the Mind Flayer into a Vampire or a Lycanthrope. It seems the best way would be to kill the Mind Flayer, completely destroy the body, then use True Resurrection on the original soul.

Dennis takes a flask from his poisoners kit, dons his poison proof gloves, and takes a flask of water from the well. He gets another vision, because of course he does.

More Plants! More Zombies!

After significant effort was put toward recreating the scene, combat resumes at the start of Round 4!

Round 4

Dennis stuns and paralyzes the crap out the hulk before him, then flies back up.

The Captain then double sneak attacks the same Hulk using his awesome Bow of Awesomeness, and kills it.

Louie and Raymond proceed to beat on groups 1 & 2 of the zombies goblins, destroying them both.

The Seer waves his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care.

The remaining Hulk flies up to Dennis, hits him and stuns him. Dennis falls to the ground.

Round 5

Dennis astonishes the hulk by unstunning himself, and flies up to him. Where he stuns and paralyzes him, and for some reason, this time that causes the hulk to fall to the ground. Dennis follows him down and proceeds to wail on him until he runs out of attacks.

The Captain reprises his customary role, and kill-steals Dennis’ hulk.

Three new seers are seen approaching. The one in the lead psychic bombs Louie. The second one kills Raymond. The third has a go at Louie, but misses.

Louie attempts to return fire, but it is limited in effectiveness, as they only take the magic portion of the damage.

The original seer summons The Emissary, a truly massive bastard of an abomination. We all hear a voice in our heads, but nobody remembers what it said because we ignored it. The Emissary vomits at Louie, doing 62 damage and creating 2 more hulks. The hulks then beat on Louie, dropping him.

Round 6

Dennis flies all the way across the map in a single turn, and punches Louie back to life, with a Flurry of Healing Hands for 42 HP healing.

(What did The Captain do this round?)

One of the Seers psychoblasts Dennis and drops him. The second hits him too, causing a failed death save.

Louie lays on hands for a measly 5HP, but Dennis is back up.

The Emissary blasts Louie and Dennis, and Dennis is down again.

A hooded figure appears and throws a disk in the air, which magic missiles Dennis through all his death saves. Dennis’ body vanishes. The three new seers and the hulks then focus fire on the hooded figure. The Emissary moves toward the Town Hall.

Round 7

It’s Dennis’ go, but he’s dead. He’s trapped in liquid. He can vaguely hear a conversation:

“This is a problem. We did not expect Vilgax to involve himself. We cannot afford to let him expose us.”

“He wasn’t meant to be there. Have faith. The plan will still work.”

“As far as we can tell, we have jammed all communication and prevented him from communicating with them directly.”

Now The Captain gets a go. He notices that Dennis’ body is gone. He attacks the Emissary twice.

The seers throw a psychoblast at Louie. The hooded figure casts shield on Louie, making him immune to psychoblasts. Louie looks at the disk that killed Dennis. It is playing Snake. Louie picks it up, and feels cold, and damp (just like home!). He smells refuse and filth (still like home!). He sees a canyon of rotted flesh and bones. Then he sees a flash of an image, of a trap door, then a manor. A successful history check and he recognises one of the buildings in town. It is the Rembrandt Manor. He yells this information to The Captain, then shatters the Hulks.

The hooded figure disappears. The seers throw a psychoblast at The Captain, which hits, but he uses Uncanny Dodge and halves the damage (after a short rule discussion).

The Emissary moves forward and his antimagic field reaches the Leomunds Tiny Hut, which disappears. Rusty springs into action, and picks up the Orb just as its Force Condom also disappears.

When he does so, The Captain hears the following voice speak in his head: “At last, the veil lifts; I can reach you. What you perceive is but a mirage. Dismantle another obelisk to unearth the hidden verity.” In an instant, the connection fades, leaving only silence in its wake.

Rusty hears none of this. He runs to the back of the Town Hall (just out of range of the antimagic field), drills a small hole through the back wall to peek through, cast Invisibility on himself and them Misty Steps 30 feet behind the town hall, at which point he takes off with his shiny new boots of flying. And keeps running. There was some discussion about truesight and nondetection later, but we eventually agreed that truesight did operate exactly like the spell true seeing, and so was considered a divination effect, which Rusty is immune to - so he gets away clean!

Now that the hooded figure is gone, the Hulks return toward Louie - but he shot their wings off earlier, so they’re walking now. The fall into the bridge trap and get mauled by sharks. Chastened and more careful now, they spot the web trap before hitting it, and walk around. They take swings at Louie, but miss.

Round 8

Dennis is still dead. The Captain runs into Rembrandt Manor (after a quick reliable lockpick) and finds the trapdoor, which he goes through after another quick reliable lockpick. Inside, he meets Not the Nothick, and after trading some secrets with him, Not guides him down into the canyon where he finds the still forms of Dennis and Raymond. He shakes them awake. Some more discussion with Not reveals that the hooded figures that delivered them took Blackrazor away with them - Raymond no longer has it. Raymond and Dennis are back on full HP and resources. Nice.

Raymond picks us all up and climbs back to the bottom of the trapdoor.

At some point last round or this one, Louie gets dropped and has to make at least one death save, which succeeds.

The Emissary vomits all over the Manor, dissolving large chunks of wall and roof, and badly hurting everyone inside. In addition, there are 2 new hulks outside the Manor now.

Round 9

Dennis flies straight up 55’ through the roof (taking some acid damage on the way). From there, he can see everyone on the field - The Captain is badly hurt, Raymond and Not are hurt, and Louie is down. Even Dennis is a bit poorly. He’s positioned himself well, though - exactly 60’ from Louie’s body, and 55’ from the rest of the party. He pulls out and reads his scroll of Mass Heal, bringing everyone in the party (including Not) up to full HP.

The Captain sneaks out of the cellar and sneak attacks one of the hulks to death.

Louie shatters the 2 hulks near him again.

The Emissary uses a psychic lash on Dennis, missing twice but hitting once.

Round 10

Dennis flies down to the original seer, hitting him once and critical hitting him twice, doing lots of damage. The card effect of his second critical was to allow another party member to also attack the target as a reaction, which The Captain took - also doing a critical, and thereby maintaining his long held practice of stealing Dennis’ kills! Unfortunately, killing the summoner did not unsummon the Emissary. Bugger.

The Captain, on his turn, proceeded to sneak attack the remaining hulk. His first shot with a rapier caused it to fall down and 5 feet back, so for his second shot, he used his bow - which ricocheted off the hulks boot, and struck the Emissary, killing it. As it died, it released a pulse of energy which killed all the abberations within range. This is a true account of exactly what happened.

Combat over!

The Captain tells all the villagers the good news, and proceeds to disarm all the traps. Rusty notices that the Emissary has fallen and slowly swings around to carefully return to town.

After much persuasion, the Captain convinces Dennis to suicide so he can get more intel on the hooded figures. We have Louie standing by, physically holding on to Dennis’ body, ready to cast Revivify. Dennis kills himself.

His body immediately disappears.

He hears the following conversation: “Don’t worry, they’re eating out of the palm of our hand. Where is Vilgax?”

“Our last ping showed he is moving toward Icewind Dale for the other shard. But with the subjects already having a shard, it will be a problem.”

“Don’t worry, Vilgax will be dead. He will be hunted by the silly one with the hat.”

“Wait, one of the subjects has died. It must be a glitch. Redeploy.”

Back in town, Louie is panicking. However, he notices some hooded figures moving through the Ethereal toward the manor. He waves at them, and they take fright and scarper.

Back with Dennis: “I don’t know how, but in our main deployment phase, they’re already there.”

“Don’t worry, put them in the outhouse deployment. They’ll never find them there.”

Back in town, Louie is now panicking more. The Captain thinks that the obvious solution is to kill himself, which he does. His body does not disappear, and Louie gets to revivify him - briefly.

While ‘dead’, The Captain hears: “I think they are starting to get suspicious. Reboot initiated.”

Combat over!

The Captain tells all the villagers the good news, and proceeds to disarm all the traps. Rusty notices that the Emissary has fallen and slowly swings around to carefully return to town.

Dennis notices he has a range of new scars that weren’t there before, and when he touches them, he has visions, returning to him his memory of what happened the last time.

How to get there.

Dennis tells the rest of the party what he remembers, and they start brainstorming what to do. Rusty is saying that he can grant everyone the ability to see the robed figures with See Invisibility, but the spell to interact with them is too high level for him. Etherealness is a seventh level spell. However, he should be able to craft some Oil of Etherealness with a bit of time - for some reason it is much lower rarity than the level of the spell would suggest. Now if he can just work out a recipe.

The Captain interrupts, saying “We need to go the the Ethereal, right?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“To the Ethereal what, exactly?”

“The Ethereal plane.”

“And how do you move between planes?”

CLANG. That was the noise of Rusty facepalming. Moments later we all form a circle and Rusty transports us all to the Ethereal Plane using a Plane Shift spell from his Amulet of the Planes.

It is immediately apparent that we are now in Bluetspur.

The moment we arrive we hear a voice, we are approached by a figure who says “I am Vilgax. I mean you no harm. I see you have escaped the simulation. I believe your true bodies are imprisoned in Mt Makab.”

End scene

Plants vs Zombie flashbacks

Ethan gives us 30 tokens to spend on town defences. Defences are as follows:

Rule Augmentation (Argumentation?)

Dan successfully argued that by using the ability of Bigby’s Benificent Bracelet to create force sculptures, he should be able to reduce the cost of Walls from 8 to 5.

We also encased the shard in a shard condom made of a force sculpture. Originally it was a force shell, or cupboard, but Ethan has trouble with those concepts, while he has an immediate grasp of the concept of a condom. We thought it best not to ask. We then encased the entire thing inside a Leomund’s Tiny Hut with Rusty inside.

The specifics of traps were a bit free-form. With the exception of the bridge trap (which Rusty built), they were all based on spells that Rusty can cast. He was a busy boy, which is why he spent the battle resting with the shard.

Trap placement

Random Traps are determined when tripped as follows:

Other equipment

Placed at the end of the bridge, and in front of the hall containing the shard, we build a Tower that also has the Defensive Stronghold characteristics. We also build walls in an attempt to keep the villagers alive.

Pre-fight checklist

We ask the Hedgehog Knights to see if they can track down Gehry the Giant, or Gundrin Rockseeker.

We also explain to the Sahaugin about the impending invaders and how they were terrible people. They got on board, and herded all their sharks up the river. That improved the effectiveness of the bridge trap significantly.

Rusty uses his shiny new class ability to turn a screwdriver into a spell-storing item that can cast Shatter 10 times, which he gives to Louie to use.

The Captain has a visitor

The Captain was working on hiding one of the traps outside when he noticed a second shadow near him, whose height remained constant, but it’s width oscillated. Immediately on guard, he turns invisible, hiding his own shadow. His second shadow also disappears. The Captain heads indoors, and drops invisibility. He spots in a handy mirror a coin in the air, spinning.

The door opens, and a 9’ tall, lanky but powerful figure saunters in. He is wearing blue pauldrons that match the colour of his eyes, and slinky tight trousers, but not much else. His hair is ashy white. He closes the door behind him, and pulls up a seat, never breaking eye contact with The Captain. Is it getting steamy in here?

He says: “You are a stranger in these lands, but you have done nothing but protect my land and its people since you arrived. You slaughtered the lycanthropes and other abominations that threatened these lands. I have not seen anyone with such a spine in some time.” It is getting steamy in here! He continues: “You would have noticed that I have given you tokens.” The Captain notes that he has noticed. It is noted that he noted that he noticed.

The stranger says: “I want Vilgax dead, and I believe you and your friends can do this. Do not let Vilgax get the obelisk, because then my power will wane.” The Captain immediately swears an oath to stop Vilgax. The stranger continues: “I am a huge fan, and I am very interested to see what you do next.” They shake hands. “You may call me Bane.” Bane winks and glances at the table. When The Captain looks, there is a ebon-black bow resting there. It has multiple strings, and continuously releases wisps of smoke, as if it is almost on fire. When fired, it plays a musical tone. (It is a Bow of Melodies, see the item description for details)

Dennis finally has that Psychotic break we’ve all been expecting

Dennis was finishing a Watch Tower, when everything freezes. He suddenly gets a migraine, then he finds himself in a padded cell, surrounded by hooded and masked figures. The migraine pain seems to emanate from behind his ears, so he checks to see if anything is there - and does find a hair-fine thread of something underneath the skin.

The hooded figures advance, so Dennis stuns the one in front and rips off its mask. The face of a Mind Flayer is revealed, which has damaging effects on Dennis’ mind. Having satisfied himself that the target is EVIL, he averts his eyes slightly and keeps punching. The Mind Flayer, in so far as it can be said to display emotion, merely appears to be curious and satisfied to be part of the experiment. The other Mind Flayers merely observe. When the lead Flayer drops, a voice is heard to say “Experiment successful. Genetic markers identified and extracted.” Dennis doesn’t give a shit about that, and prepares to move on to the next victim target, but the vision vanishes and Dennis finds himself back atop the Tower he was building.

Blackrazor gets hangry

Louie was hiding a marsh trap, while Raymond was killing insect with Blackrazor. Louie notices that Raymond is acting oddly, and appears to be having an internal debate about killing some villagers. His eyes turn black, and he turns to Louie and throws an epic hissy fit (as Blackrazor) about how he is hungry, and Louie should bring him a villager to eat once per day. Louie confers with the rest of the party before a decision is reached - nut up or shut up. The alternative will be use discarding Blackrazor, which we will do by tossing him into the nearby volcano. Sure, it won’t destroy it, but it will spend a very long time without food before anyone gets it out again.

Blackrazor is apparently unhappy about that. Suck it up, you baby.

Braveheart time

A bunch of inspirational speeches are then given by all. The one to the Sahaugin included a Dolly Parton/Kenny Rogers duet.

We’re done. It’s been 2 1/2 hours!

In the distance, an approaching army is seen. The time is upon us!

We are the Plants. The Zombies approach.

Well, not zombies - they appear to be goblin-like creatures with weird growths coming off them. There are about 75 of them, split into 3 companies of 25 each. The Captain decides to test the extreme range of his bow, and we see the arrow disappear into the distance.

Shortly afterward, the goblins approach the bridge - one of them sporting an arrow protruding from its eye. They begin to shriek, which causes disadvantage on saving throws and advantage to attack the characters, if we are able to hear it - so we have to make perception checks at the start of each turn to see if we can hear the shrieks over the rain. If we succeed, we suffer the effects.

Initiative! Dennis comes out on top with 27, The Captain next with 18, then goblin groups 1 & 2, then Louie (14), then the last group of goblins.

Round 1

Dennis flies forth from the tower, kills 5 goblins in group 1, and flies back to the tower.

The Captain uses his fancy new bow to good effect and kills another 4 - with 2 arrows. Nice!

The first company crosses the bridge, and while it doesn’t spot the trap, it also doesn’t trigger it. Everybody has a go at remotely triggering it, which proves harder than expected, but eventually The Captain causes it to go off, dropping the first company of goblins into the river where they are mauled by sharks. They drag themselves out the other side, and immediately walk into the Web trap, where they remain stuck for the remainder of the night.

Group 2 climb across the sides of the bridge, and start climbing the tower to get to the characters. They try to hit Dennis (miss), then Louie (miss), then Raymond (miss).

Louie uses the shatter-driver Rusty gave him, doing 11 damage to every member of group 2.

Group 3 bypasses the tower entirely and heads into town. They walk straight into a lightning trap, then a shatter trap.

Round 2

Dennis flies off to head off group 3, and beats them up a bit, then hovers 40 feet above them. Group 3 is now down to 22 members left, of the original 25.

The Captain moves to the side of the tower and uses his bow to hit the goblins of group 1, doing a critical. Then he hits again, no critical this time but still 42 HP of damage. Group 1 is down to 10 members remaining of the original 25.

Oriana joins the fight and damages group 2.

Group 2 attacks Louie and crits (50 damage).

Louie swings back at Group 2 and does a crit (73 damage) and again - no crit, but still 23 damage. Group 2 is now down to 8 members left of their original 25.

Raymond hits group 2 for 12 damage, and again for 14.

Group 3, unable to reach Dennis, now tear bits off themselves and throw them into a pile. the pile roils and undulates and turns into something that resembles a drowned corpse. The corpse then vomits up a pile of purple stuff, which spawns 3 figures - one “seer”, and 2 “bruisers”. The bruisers can fly - but it isn’t flying, it’s something else. They both fly up and have a go at Dennis. They also appear to be mimicking Dennis’ abilities, because one of them stuns him, causing him to fall to the ground.

Round 3

Dennis un-stuns himself, and hits the seer - but the strike causes the seer to disappear, and the damage is transferred to one of the hulks, who is paralyzed. But remains flying. Dennis only has 25 feet of movement left, so cannot reach any other targets, and goes back to flying - this time 25 feet up.

The Captain shoots the Hulk that is paralyzed, but because he’s not in melee, doesn’t get an automatic critical.

Group 1 is still stuck in the web.

Group 2 takes a swing a Louie but misses.

Louie hits Group 2 twice - it’s now down to 2/5, or 10 members remaining of the original 25. So, somehow, it’s members went up.

Raymond hits group 2, but then “accidentally” hits Louie for breathtaking damage. Blackrazor then says something snide about how easy it would be to “accidentally” feed it a villager during combat. That sword has now sealed its very hot, hungry fate.

Hulk 2 flies over to Dennis and hits him. It takes all of Dennis’ inspiration to succeed on the save. The seer tries to telekinetically pull the shard to himself. The shard that is sealed in a force condom, inside a Leomund’s Tiny Hut, which no magic can pass through. He looks confused when it doesn’t work.

It’s late - we’ll come back next week.

Post-match Summary.

So, Group 1 is trapped in the web and down to 10 members. They sound like great targets for the militia’s ranged attacks. Group 2 is attacking the tower, and is down to either or 10 members. Raymond, Louie, Oriana the Captain are all in the tower. Group 3 is a Seer and 2 Hulks now. The Seer is between Dennis and the town hall. The Hulks and Dennis are at the inner tower.

Loot the Weresharks!

The Captain and Dennis gather all their stuff, and Dennis notices that in the pond there are a bunch of childish drawings of shields that the baby weresharks made, and a note saying “To use in case the scary necromancer finds us.” The drawings are magical, and will work as a scroll of Shield. There are 12 of them. Then they hear the noise of a party in the distance. More Lycanthropes! The crusade continues! We march!

It turned out to be Louie having a party with a bunch of hedgehogs. Most disappointing. Anyway, we hang around there for a while until we notice that Raymond is missing. The party goes in search of him, and finds him atop a burial mound of dead hedgehogs, summoning their spirits back so that Blackrazor can devour them. Just wholesome mucking about, really.

The Captain investigates the construct that Louie and the Hedgehogs killed, and Dennis takes the most interesting bits to give to Rusty. The hedgehogs tell us that the Necromancer hangs around near Conyberry. We consider heading straight off, but decide instead to head back to town to get cured of lycanthropy.

That pixie wasn’t a liar?

Esmerelda confirms that lycanthrope hearts can be used to make a lycanthropy cure, but it’s something that only Vistani can do, so Rusty can’t learn it. Racist. Anyway, she whips up 2 cures, which The Captain and Dennis then drink. She mentions that they can also be used to create Protection from Lycanthropy potions, and we have a heap of hearts left over, so we get her to whip some up. We end up with 3 doses.

A beneficent dream

Chatting to the Toymaker, he had a prophetic dream. There is some rando called Vilgax who demands that we deliver an obelisk fragment to him at the Old Owl Well in 3 days, or he will send his Lieutenant Aurumvorax with an invasion force to destroy the town. Obviously we’re not doing that, but we think it wise to learn more about these obelisk fragment macguffins, and ask around. Apparently, there are 4 of them, which, when joined back together, form a diamond. They work together to create the safe space of the Sword Coast in the horror of Bluetspur. One fragment is in the Town Hall of Phandelver. Another is in Icewind Dale. The third is in Chult, and nobody knows where the fourth one is. It is believed that Vilgax will need 2 fragments to perform the rite to drag the Sword Coast back into Bluetspur.

We need information! After a short rest, we head to Conyberry, where Agatha the Banshee is said to reside. Rusty and Esmerelda remain in town, fortifying the Town Hall and Inn, and moving the locals and the Revallians into the ship. There are ~300 of them, Rusty can move 7 people every 12 seconds, so moving all of them will take a bit under 9 minutes.

It’s Agatha

The Captain, Dennis, Louie and Raymond walk through the woods and find a cottage nestled inside a bower of trees. As we enter, the air grows cold, and a spectral elf appears. She says: “Foolish Mortals! Do you not know it is death to seek me out?”

The Captain brusquely replies “We heard you have answers. We’re adventurers. What do you want?” This throws her off her game a little - she was expecting more back and forth, but apparently decides she likes the direct approach. She tells us of an abomination, a tree made of flesh and body parts, that is invading her forest. If we kill it for her, she will give us the answers we seek.

Tree-stomping

We go in search of an abomination. It’s bloody stealthy, because none of us saw it and it gets a surprise round on everyone. It misses everyone except Raymond, who it damages and impales (grapples). Now normal combat begins - The Captain wins initiative (because of course he does), then Dennis, then Louie and Raymond. The Captain does a sneak attack for a respectable 40 HP.

Then, it was Dennis’ turn. He opens by punching it and it fails its save vs Stunning. Emboldened by how easy that was, Dennis then stabs it with his paralysis poison, and it fails its save against that too. Nice! Dennis still has 3 flurry of blows left, and he switches to his spear, loaded up with Demon’s Screech. As the tree is paralyzed, every hit is a critical, so each hit does 1d8+1d4+4d10+58 damage. Dennis unloads more than 200HP of damage, killing it with an attack to spare.

Silence descends on the forest once more. The party all looks at Dennis, who has the grace to look sheepish and mutter something like “..maybe that poison is a bit OP”.

Agatha, again

We return to Agatha, who is a bit surprised we are back so early. She answers The Captain’s cleverly worded question, and we find out the following:

1. Vilgax does not yet have any fragments.
2. There is a fragment in the Town Hall of Phaldelver (we knew that, but points for being comprehensive).
3. The fragment in Icewind Dale is under the dead body of Avietrace, a White Dragon that was killed by The Forganage, and adventuring crew/orphanage team that fucked that place up a while back.
4. In Chult, one fragment is in the possession of Madam Macadarhrrk.
5. The last fragment is in the treasure horde of Xanathar in Skullport.

At this point, The Captain gives Dennis a Ring of Spell Storing, charged up with 5 castings of Invisibility. In return, Dennis gives him his Deck of Throwing Cards.

Agatha comes along

The Captain talks to Agatha for a while. The party has determined that the next job is to deal with that necromancer, but The Captain puts in a huge amount of effort trying to convince Agatha to come. Eventually, she agrees, when The Captain tells her he heard that the Necromancer had killed Dan, her deceased husband.

The return of (worse) Scott

Ethan goes all out to rekindle the feel of every other time anyone fought that necromancer. There were zombies everywhere, and one of them actually was Dan! Who knew, right? The zombies were, as is customary, auto-homing and explosive. Walking through the terrain gave exhaustion, because why not? Lair actions (homing zombies) went off after every turn, and did terrifying damage! Benjy was summoned, but we were on to those sort of tricks so averted our gaze, and it didn’t work. The necromancer himself was hiding, so Agatha had nothing that could do anything - but she could sense where the necromancer was, and went in that direction.

For some reason, when you killed the zombies, they actually died. That was weird. Maybe Banshee aura suppresses Undead Fortitude?

Anyway, the Banshee wailed, the necromancer died, and we ended the combat with the traditional screaming match about rules. It was very nostalgic! A good time was had by all, except Zoe who was a bit confused by everything.

For our superhuman forbearance in putting up with the second coming of (worse) Scott, we leveled up!

Huzzah!

In the aftermath, a god appears in the sky and performs a consenting nerf of Dennis’ Demon Screech poison, converting it to Widow’s Kiss Mk 2.

Golem Smash!

To start us off, Rusty hears a voice in head: “One man makes me, but does not need me. One man buys me, does not use me. One man uses me, does not see me. What man will you be?” It transpires, later, that the last sentence wasn’t actually part of the riddle, but just a vague threat. That only makes sense once you solve the riddle.

Anyway, combat! The Golem clubs Louie, and picks him up. Louie is now on death saves. Rusty, who was on the other side of the room at this point, misty-steps to Louie and hits him with a Cure Wounds. Raymond then joins the party by pulling us free of the Golem’s grasp, and we run up the passage (which is too small for the Golem). The Mother Aurumvorax hits Louie as he runs past, though, and he goes down again. She then drags his body underground.

The Golem hits the wall, causing a minor collapse of the tunnel, but everyone’s OK - except Louie, obviously. Rusty telepathically contacts the Mother Aurumvorax, and tells her to bring Louie back, or her kid is dead. One pretty fancy Intimidation/Persuasion roll later, and she’s on her way back, returning Louie with only 2 failed death saves (which he got automatically for being underground). Raymond feeds Louie a potion, and he’s back again!

We try ranged combat against the Golem, but he’s immune to arrows and electricity, which makes it hard. We therefore head back to the entryway shaft.

In the shaft we meet up with Miz, who just happens to be passing through. He can speak Dwarvish! He translated the welcome sign at the entry to the mine, which says: “Those who seek the Mithral must tread carefully. The Guardians of the past awake when the metal is disturbed. The price of greed is steep and many have paid with their lives. Leave this place or join the lost.”

Miz also exposits that Mithral Golems are weak to bludgeoning damage. Accordingly, Rusty whips up some slings (which as simple weapons, everyone is proficient in), and picks up a bunch of rocks. Louie picks up all the rocks, and puts them in his portable hole. Then he chats with Minion, and asks if opening a portable hole is technically “opening a door”. The almighty DM says yes, not realizing what a monster he has created.

Golem Smashed!

Miz fully heals everyone, and we head back for round 2 with that bloody Golem! Louie peeks around the corner to see where the Golem is and gets brained by a surprise sneak attack. Miz heals him a bit, and Louie then hits the Golem back. The Golem hits Louie again. Raymond has a swing but misses.

Minion flies up to the top of the cavern and hides in the shadows above the Golem. It should be noted at this point that he is carrying Louie’s portable hole. This will soon become important.

Rusty enters the room and hits the Golem. Miz has a swing too, but misses. Louie then uses his turn to cast Thaumaturgy, a famously non-offensive cantrip. Thaumaturgy has 6 possible effects, but number 5 is what is important here - and it is “You instantaneously cause an unlocked door or window to fly open or slam shut”. Louie opens the portable hole - upside down. A cylinder full of rocks, 6 feet in diameter and 10 feet deep, empties itself 40 feet above the Golem. Ethan makes an attempt at maths, but the whole thing is a bit hand-wavy. Louie rolls one metric fuck-ton of d6s (41d6), and gets exactly the amount needed (142 x2 because vulnerable to bludgeoning = 284HP) to kill the Golem. Die, motherfucker! Truly a glorious moment for frogs everywhere.

Denouement

We took a bunch of guesses to get the riddle, Rusty taking increasing amounts of psychic damage on each failed attempt. The answer was Coffin.

We try to take some of the Mithral Golem with us, which triggers another riddle: “What is it that given one, you’ll have either two or none?”

We leave the mine at this point. Apparently the answer is “choice”, which Scott asserts isn’t a valid answer, but whatever.

We stubbornly refuse to have Miz translate the Dwarvish Diaries we have. Book-learning is for sissies!

Where The Captain does his own thing

Daisy the Eldritch Cow has just died. Louie, Raymond and Dennis are in a field to the north of the hill, while The Captain is on top of the hill. He knows roughly where we are, but neither party can see the other. This will become important later.

The Pixie is holding out her hands, gesturing to us to stop moving! We do, and there is a long pause. Just as everyone is relaxing, thinking the danger has been avoided - Blammo! An enormous Caterpillar/Wasp/Elemental thing bursts from the clover and into the air. All around Louie, Dennis and Raymond, plant growth bursts into life, making movement across it difficult. The Caterpillar gets a surprise round, and uses it to grapple Louie, dragging him 60’ into the air.

Initiative! The Captain goes first, then Louie, Dennis, Raymond and lastly the Caterpillar. The Captain does a ranged sneak attack and does 22 damage, then hides behind the tree on the top of the hill. Louie attempts to escape the grapple, but fails. Dennis flies up to it (it’s huge, so while it went up 60’, there are parts of its body only 40’ from the ground), and stuns it with his first hit. It falls to the ground. Dennis chooses to fall too, relying on his Slow Fall ability to protect him from damage. Then he hits it again, with the poison that paralyzes it. Then, he switches to the Demon Screech poison. The Caterpillar is stunned, prone and paralyzed, so every hit Dennis does is a critical. He has 3 flurry of blows strikes left, and half the damage from Demon Screech is fire damage, which the Caterpillar is vulnerable to. He smashes the caterpillar for over 250 points of damage in one turn. Which, astonishingly, does not kill it. Raymond steps up to steal the kill, granting him enormous amounts of temp HP.

The Pixie wants the clover, and Louie wants the fairy floss, so a trade is made. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone else, The Captain is still in combat with something that ignores his attempts to hide, and cannot be seen by the rest of the party. He runs down the hill toward us and tries to hide behind Raymond, but his assailant sees straight through that and drops The Captain - but his riposte damage also kills it. While the party stands there, gobsmacked (fair enough in Dennis’ case - he’s feebleminded at the moment), The Captain nat 20s his death save and revives himself. He steals a potion off Dennis and drinks it, then also gets Dennis to Hand of Healing him (after we checked with the DM whether Dennis could even use that ability).

How to cure Lycanthropy, part 1

Next, the party gets into an argument about what they should do to cure The Captain’s latent lycanthropy. Louie is in favour of going back to Rusty, who he knows can make Wolfsbane potion - but we’re not certain if he has any Wolfsbane to make it with. The Pixie, very helpfully, mentions that you can also cure lycanthropy using the heart of a lycanthrope. This is fucking music to The Captain’s ears, and he sets off on a revenge quest! Louie manages to almost forcibly drag him back to town, where we learn that Esmerelda has some Wolfsbane, and Rusty whips up a cure. Esmerelda takes the Fairy Floss and whips up a cure for the Revallians, and The Captain gets a scroll of Greater Restoration off Esmerelda, which he uses to cure Dennis’ feeblemind. With the exception of no fangs for Dennis, the party is basically back to full strength.

An Ethereal visitor

During the night, The Captain can’t sleep, thoughts of the stupid party not helping him with the fight, and him having to resurrect himself, and not letting him kill the stupid Wereshark. He snaps back to consciousness to see a floating drone, looking like a sphere with a ring around it, scanning his brain. That shit is not flying, motherfucker! The Captain stabs it straight through with his rapier, one-shotting it. He takes it to Rusty to investigate. Rusty is fascinated - it is obviously some form of bio-mechanical construct, and its internals have membranes that The Captains memories are actually visible in. Rusty checks to see if The Captain remembers the scenes presented, in case the scanning was destructive, and they notice something odd - there are two lines of casuality being displayed - on the left side is what The Captain remembers as actually happening, while on the right side is an alternate timeline that did not happen. Shortly after this observation is made, the drones insides dissolve into goop. Rusty stores the goop and notices that the outer shell is made of a new material, which is dubbed “Rustinium I”.

We also check on the other party members at this point, in case there are more drones scanning people, but we don’t see any. Louie, when woken, does see something nobody else did - because he can see the ethereal plane, and didn’t tell anyone! There are a bunch of hooded figures around the drone shell, and a purple Davy Crocket lookalike standing behind The Captain. Louie the does not tell anyone, because he is afraid the hooded figures will notice and get angry at him.

The hooded figures notice Davy Crocket, and run away. Davy Crockett also fades away, and then Louie tells Rusty what he saw. Rusty more closely investigates the orb, but can’t determine anything else. We set watches during the night, and Rusty spends his time fixing Raymond’s barding and planning what to make for the party to cover our weaknesses.

How to cure Lycanthropy, part 2

The Captain, frustrated that there is still a known source of lycanthropy wandering the forest, starts a campaign amongst the villagers to start putting silver in all the water sources. Louie is upset because he thinks this might kill the local frog population, of which we have seen absolutely none. Probably because all the sharks are eating them.

The Blacksmith offers to fix Louie’s morningstar for 50GP, and it will take 30 minutes. Rusty could do it cheaper, but it would take him 1 1/2 days, so he tells Louie to take the offer. During these negotiations, The Captain sneaks in the back of the smithy and steals a pile of silver - but leaves enough gold to cover the cost on the counter. Also during these negotiations, many villagers approach the Blacksmith looking to buy silver to put in water sources. Rusty attempts to ameliorate the damage by telling them to make sure not to shave it too finely or it will dissolve and then evaporate. They have to put small shavings in, instead.

Sidebar: Rusty is informed at this point that he has managed to repair the Shield Guardian that they recovered in Hara’Kir. It is now fully active, and is a Horcrux of Pharaoscar. If we gather all the horcruxes (there are 7, we think), then we can use them to bring down the Pharaoh of Hara’Kir.

At this point, The Captain has had enough of this passive bullshit, and heads off to kill the Wereshark. Louie comes along to argue with him about biology, and Dennis follows along because The Captain fixed his head, and he feels indebted to him. Along the way, we come across another Capybara, which The Captain punts into a tree, killing it. At that point, the polymorphed Revallian returns to its original form, still dead. Louie revivifies it, and sends it back to town, whereupon it immediately falls into some quicksand. Louie sends Raymond to fish him out, and escort him home.

A bush nearby rustles, and a baby Wereshark comes into view, gathering berries. We capture and question it, and find out the following:

1. It was born a wereshark. We reason that this means there is a mommy somewhere.
2. It is the most annoying fucking creature we have ever met.

The Captain feeds it a berry with a silver coin hidden inside, at which point its head dissolves all over Louie, who is holding it. Louie is upset, and confused when he can see a giant coin in the ethereal plane hovering over The Captain. It starts to spin, and The Captain is given a choice of accepting this power, or rejecting it. Well, of course, he accepts. The Captain gains the power of Retributive Strike.

We proceed to the place we last saw the Wereshark. The Captain sneaks up on it. Dennis, knowing he isn’t as stealthy as The Captain, waits behind a tree, but close enough to move into combat in one turn. Louie wants nothing to do with this, and hangs back. Louie is approached by an order of Hedgehog knights, who want his assistance killing a great evil - not the Weresharks, oddly. They do tell Louie that the daddy wereshark is a nice guy, but the mommy is nasty. He apparently keeps her in check. Louie writes this on a piece of paper and throws it at Dennis, before going off with the Hedgehogs.

Dennis reads it, and tosses it at The Captain. Unfortunately, the noise of the paper hitting The Captain’s head was enough to alert the Wereshark, spoiling The Captains surprise attack. Ooops. Sorry.

Two separate combats ensue - The Captain and Dennis versus The Weresharks, and Louie and the Hedgehogs (that’s their band name now) versus an Ashen Construct (maybe a cadaver collector?) I will split the narrative here for clarity.

Louie and The Hedgehogs

Louie casts Compelled Duel, and hits the beast. It hits Louie, and drops a corpse bomb. The knights drink a healing potion, and hit the construct. Raymond hits the construct.

The construct eats a corpse to heal itself. The knights hit it! Raymond hits it! Louie hits it, does crit damage, and then recasts compelled duel. The construct hits Louie.

Louie hits it back. The construct drops another corpse bomb. The Hedgehogs are starting to fall by now. By the time they do a coordinated strike on the construct to kill it, there are only 3 hedgehogs alive of the original 7.

Louie revivifies as many as he can, and they have a party.

The Captain and The Wereshark(s)

The Captain hits the daddy Wereshark. Dennis hits the daddy, stunning it, and telling it to use its action to plead for it’s life (he checked - they can speak falteringly while stunned). It does not - it just looks angrily at The Captain. Well, it has nobody to blame but itself, now. Another wereshark appears behind The Captain and takes a swing, but misses. Then it disappears again.

The Captain stabs the daddy, and kills it. Dennis holds his action for when the invisible one reappears. The Captain gets hit by a baby wereshark, and it holds on to him, reducing his AC by 2. The invisible one has a go at Dennis, does massive damage, and infects him with lycanthropy. See, this is why we can’t have these things wandering around. Dennis takes a swipe back, but misses. Mummy disappears again.

The Captain kills the remaining kids on his action, but not before he is re-infected with lycanthropy. Dennis swings wildly with his attacks and manages to hit once. He’s had enough of being a sitting duck, and flies 50 feet up. The mother reappears, hits The Captain, and disappears again. The Captain also goes invisible. They now spend time trying to find each other. Dennis starts throwing random objects from his backpack to try and locate the invisible mummy, and does manage one or two hits. Then he tries to draw her out by dragging the daddy’s body into the water and breaking bits off. Then, he has the bright idea of grabbing a body of one of the kids and using it as a mobile bag of blood to spray it around to try and locate the mother, but it doesn’t work. The Captain has spent this time chugging potions.

Ethan is getting bored by this point, so he grants the mother the ability to see invisible, and she has a go at The Captain. The Captain uses his held action and his retributive strike, and drops the Mother. Yay!

We stop, because it was late

But, Dennis is going to gather up all his stuff, The Captain takes the Ring of Invisibility, and Dennis is going to nick some shark teeth because he is missing some fangs right now. He might get Rusty to coat them in silver and make prosthetics for him. Plus, we should check around for other loot, and also take the wereshark hearts just in case the Pixie was actually telling the truth.

Oh, and The Captain got another power up. Looks like Oath of Vengeance Paladin abilities. Cool.

Combat!

We fight the dwarves.

Raymond and Louie go first, followed by dwarves 1, then 2, then Rusty, then dwarves 3, 4 & 5.

The dwarves have picks. The picks would like to be Mjolnir, but they’re not even a decent Captain America shield. They’re like a Private Benjamin stick - but they do come back after they are thrown, so that’s nice. Dwarf # 2 manages to Fear Raymond and Louie, who run away. Rusty manages to kill his opponent, then steps back to where Louie and Raymond are, carefully following the path through the trap maze. Rusty’s opponent was dwarf #2, so Raymond and Louie aren’t Feared any more, so they start to return to the fight. Forward once more! But carefully!

Rusty has been collecting picks so they don’t return to the dwarves. As a result, we discover that their unarmed melee attack is much worse! With it, they don’t roll to hit, we just make Con saves - which we aren’t that good at. So at the end of his turn, Rusty starts giving their picks back. That was the turning point in the battle, which from that point on was more of a massacre. The dwarves kept dropping adamantium ingots when they died - 3 per dwarf, so we ended up with 15.

At the end of the dwarves passage are holes in the walls on either side of the passage, with wires coming out. Ethan went above and beyond setting up the visual aids for that one, actually dismantling his laundry. Anyway, the panels buried under the rubbish in the room where the dwarves were fit the panels pretty well, and once in place, when Louie and Raymond do their best Deadpool and Wolverine impression, the doors open.

The resulting passage goes 300 feet, and at the end are sockets in the wall. At first we think it is a 3 wide x 4 high grid, which matched well with out ingots, but it turned out that there were 3 more slots on either side - so now, the ingots aren’t enough. Turns out, we had to fill the 3x4 grid, then lay the remaining bars sideways across them, which connected the outside slots.

Behind the door was a large room, filled with green light, and filled with veins of mithral. On the far left of the room is a huge statue (we know it’s a golem, you’re not fooling us). We sneak successfully across the room.

The tunnels on the far side of the room are larger - large enough for the golem to fit. At the far end, the passageway is blocked by a transparent crystal wall. On the far side is an ancient forge, blistering hot, and the sound of hammering echoes from it, even though there is no movement visible. The walls are lined with shelves filled with various ores.

We tap the crystal and immediately have to make a Cha save. We backtrack to the golem room and sneak back to the small room. While Rusty tries to figure out how to get a mithral node from the wall, Louie tries to tame a wolverineopede. Every time Rusty tries to get a node, he has to make a save. The second time he fails, he runs away to the forge.

The golem attacks!

The Toothless Wonder arises

Father Daragar’s body twitches and climbs to its feet, bones snapping and body stretching to his new form of a giant werewolf. He then stares at Rusty as if that was supposed to be impressive. Loser.

Combat! Rusty wins initiative, followed by Father Daragar. Coming in third is Louie, but he is upstairs so will not be able to take part, initially. Bringing up the rear is Raymond. Rusty starts things rolling by shooting Father Daragar with 2 blasts of a lightning launcher. Father Daragar responds by leaping across the room into melee with Rusty and trying to bite him, before realizing he has no teeth. So he claws him, instead. Louie starts running downstairs, but as he passes Haladriel, Haladriel gives him 3 Superior Healing Potions and a green, murky potion marked “Give to amphibians”. Louie gets about half way to the fight. Raymond then bites Father Daragar, but fails to hold the grapple.

Before round 2 can start, Father Daragar looks at the blood he has spilled, and pulls out some of his own hair, shakes it in the air, and drops it into the blood. I don’t know what he was hoping for, but he should up his proficiency in Religion if he wants it to work.

Rusty looks at him, then says “Fuck it - and you”, drinks a healing potion, and hits Father Daragar twice with his Mace. Father Daragar howls at Raymond, making him frightened. Thankfully this is special frightened, which does not require its sufferer to run away. They just have disadvantage on attacks. So Raymond stays exactly where he is, and continues to do what he would have done anyway. Father Daragar then takes 2 swipes at Rusty but misses both times. Then he tries to run away like the coward he is, but Raymond hits the opportunity attack and this time the grapple sticks. You’re going nowhere, Cthweenie! Louie runs the rest of the way to the fight, but has no actions left, so just drinks a potion. Raymond chomps down on Father Daragar, but continues to fail to save vs being frightened.

Once again on the changeover of the turns, Father Daragar pulls out some hair and goes to drop it in the blood, but Rusty says “Not today, asshole” and blocks him.

Rusty, on his turn, drinks a potion he gets off Louie, and hits Father Daragar two more times. Father Daragar uses a Legendary Action to claw Raymond, and drops him. Then, for his action, he claws Louie once, and Rusty once. Louie hits Father Daragar, then feeds Raymond a healing potion. Raymond gets up, no longer frightened after his nap. He grabs the green potion off Louie and drinks it - but nothing happens. Then he bites Father Daragar.

Father Daragar tries again to throw down some hair, and Rusty blocks him again. Rusty hits Father Daragar for a critical, which is cool, but the special effect was to get advantage on the next attack, and even with advantage, Rusty misses his next swing. Father Daragar uses a Legendary Action to hit Rusty, then runs away, heading for the townsfolk for some hot hostage on werewolf action. Louie holds his action. Raymond grabs Louie and runs after Father Daragar, overtaking him in the corridor and blocking the passage. Louie uses his held action to hit Father Daragar.

Father Daragar figures that Rusty isn’t here to hair-block him, so pulls out some more hair and waves it in the air. Louie, proving he was paying attention, blocks him from dropping it in the blood. The toothless wonder is getting a bit irate, at this point.

Rusty races up the passage and rounds the corner right next to Father Daragar, but he’s used his action just to get here and has to stop. Father Daragar howls at Raymond again - Raymond fails to save vs fear again - but his flight or freeze response is set firmly on freeze, and Raymond remains in place, blocking the passageway. Father Daragar then hits Rusty, dropping him. Louie responds by hitting Father Daragar, then feeding Rusty a potion. Raymond has a go at biting Father Daragar, but misses.

Father Daragar pulls out some more hair, and finally manages to drop it in some of his blood - and makes his Religion check! It’s all coming up Cthweenie! All the blood splashed around the temple flows together and forms into 6 - wolves? Dire wolves? Something lupine, anyway. The wolves all have a go at the characters - 2 bites on each person. They all miss.

Rusty glances at the wolves, then looks back to Father Daragar, points at himself, and then at the Father. Then he clubs him square in his toothless mouth hard enough to make brain leak out his ears. As Father Daragar falls again, so do his blood wolves.

The party levels up.

Cleaning up this town

There is a party upstairs. Rusty makes sure that Eryn is OK, and is gently reintroduced to the townsfolk.

The party hangs around Crawford for a while, fixing up loose ends. With the nearby saltwater lake and our recently developed salt refining skills, we gather enough salt to resurrect Eryn’s dad, George. After waiting out the Cauldron’s cooldown period, we also resurrect Xaylith the Drow. Rusty strip-mines Sir Thames manor for as much silver as he can find - he gets enough to treat 5 weapons. Sir Thames body is too long dead to be revived, and Oswald’s body is too damaged. Nobody even considers resurrecting the Cthweenie. Louie casts his first Moonbeam on Father Daragar’s corpse, and lycanthrope angels made of moonlight shred it to ashes and carry the ashes away.

Henrietta gives us a letter, from “Sybil”. You’re not fooling anyone, Henrietta! It says “Well done adventurers. I’m so pleased that the town isn’t a relic of history. As a reward, I have revealed the Misty Forests. You should find the Mithral you seek there. Love and kisses, Toodleoo! Sybil.” Sure enough, on the map is now The Misty Forests, a full days travel to the west.

On the way, we find Miz being attacked by bandits. All but one of them are dead, and the last one is running away when we arrive. Rusty coat-hangers the bandit and gives him a very stern talking to. He then sends him on his way with the command to stop being a naughty boy. We chat to Miz, and mention that if he is ever feeling lost or alone, to wander up to Mordentshire and meet with Uncle Ricky. We then part ways.

The Misty Forest

Upon our arrival at Karswell Forest (recently re-branded by the Sybil’s an Idiot Foundation), we find the spires of a ruined Elven city, the forest reclaiming it. We see movement in our peripheral vision, but there’s nothing there when we look. Then our vision of the world spins, and we see a vision of the past. There is a festival. An elven woman walks to a podium, and speaks of a hopeful future of unity with the dwarves. A dwarf steps forward and speaks of the bright future elves and dwarves have working the mine that they have built.

Back in reality (maybe?) we hear an argument. We stealthily creep toward the noise. It appears to have come from a building that has a municipal air - perhaps a council building? We see another vision. The council of elven leaders are discussing reports of unrest in the forest, twisted beasts stalking the shadows. They mention that there have also been reports from the dwarves of curses haunting the mine. A human approaches - he wears a monocle. Evil bad person! He speaks: “We have an accord. Your talk of problems is merely an attempt to deny me what is mine. Give me my Mithral!” On the wall of the council chamber is a banner - elves on the left, dwarves on the right, and in the centre, joining them with held hands, stands a figure with a monocle. At the bottom of the banner are embroidered the words “Elven - W.G. - Dwarven”.

Back in reality (maybe?), we search the council chambers for records of the mine. We find a book, mystically locked, with some script on the cover that we suspect is Elvish or Dwarvish. Unfortunately, nobody speaks either language. Rusty recognizes the enchantment on the book as an Arcane Lock (he can cast those), and knows that Arcane Locks can be temporarily disabled by the Knock spell. Unfortunately, he can’t cast that. He also knows that Arcane Lock can be opened by mundane means - it just adds 10 to the DC. So, with Minion assisting, and Guidance, he manages to roll high enough that he unlocks the book. Inside is a schematic of the city, showing the way to the mine. At the bottom of the schematic is a note (apparently written in Common, for some reason) saying “We are currently in the midst of figuring out how to move the Adamantine Forge to smelt the Mithril.”

The Mines of Moria Madness

We reach the location of the mine, and it has a ledge zig-zagging back and forth across a cliff face, descending 3000 feet or something ridiculous like that. Louie and Rusty immediately fail their Survival checks and fall off. Rusty grabs Louie and times the casting of Feather Fall so they land gently. Raymond looks down on them piteously, then resumes walking down, and falls off himself, splatting hard. He then pops back up, on full hit points and with some bonuses. So that’s what that murky green potion did! That lasted, like, 12 days!

At the bottom of the pit is an opening with a sign, written in Dwarvish. We can’t read it, but it has skulls on it, so it’s probably just a “Welcome to our Mine” sign or something. We proceed to enter. Louie starts throwing rocks in front of us, but he can only see by the light of his sword, so he can’t see where they land. Rusty can, but he’s not telling.

We hear whispers of madness drifting through the darkness. We find a tiled space, with a door at the far end. Both the tiles and the door have writing on them, we think probably Dwarvish, but what the hell do we know?

Please wait while we address technical issues

We then stop for an hour, play time, to figure it out. By the time we do, Zoe has forgotten where we are and why we’re here. But we do!

We now resume normal programming

We make it across the room unharmed, and the door opens. Ghostly sounds emit from the room beyond. The floor is covered with the debris of ages, and 5 obviously undead dwarven miners turn to face us.

They are going down (in the mines!)

But first, we need to see a man about a bridge.

Rusty and Esmerelda make their way to the bridge that needs to be fixed. A cursory inspection reveals that it has been deliberately destroyed. Rusty is just starting to figure out what is needed when a voice speaks to him from behind. He turns around to see a cross between a Kuo-Toa and Yoda, but Rusty is led to believe this is actually an elderly Sahaugin prophet/seer. He is blind and doesn’t seem to speak anything except Sahaugin, which would normally be a problem.

Thankfully, Rusty’s telepathy is language agnostic, and he has no trouble. Yoda’s people destroyed the bridge because they had requested the users of the bridge speak a prayer to “The Great Bitch Queen” as they crossed. The bridge users did not do this, so they destroyed the bridge.

Rusty explains that this was probably not a deliberate insult to the Great Bitch Queen, but simply a failure to understand the request. His persuasion roll for that was truly startling. Rusty is considering a dip into Bard now. Having smoothed the troubled waters, Rusty receives permission to build the bridge on the proviso that he puts the Bitch Queen’s holy symbol all over it, and puts up a sign about the prayer. He presents a proposed design, which is approved with minor modifications. He is also planning to tinker the prayer signposts, so that when travelers pass, they will play the prayer in its original Sahaugin. While he works, Yoda chats to all the fucking sharks in the river so they don’t eat us all.

The prayer is: “Great Umberlee, Bitch Queen of the Waves - with brine upon my lips I beseech, I cast my voice upon the tide. In the depths of your fury, I seek your grace. Guide me across the bridge where your power abides.”

The Captain’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

The Captain, Dennis, Louie and Raymond are walking through the woods. Louie and Raymond stumble into some traps and get nut-punched, and that was the last thing that went right for the poor Captain. We follow the giggles that follow the nut-punching, which morph into nibbling, crunching noises. We find a Capybara eating a cracker. This was the beginning of the end for The Captain. He rescued the poor cracker from the Capybara. A little further in, we find a toadstool ring, and all jump in. Well, Louie was wrestled in by The Captain, but the end result was the same. We all immediately turn into: a squirrel for the Captain; a mouse for Dennis; and a frog for Louie. Three letterboxes also appear, and they direct us to find things to turn us back to our normal forms. For The Captain, it is an acorn; for Dennis, it is some cheese; and for Louie, it is a lily pad.

The Captain immediately runs up the nearest tree to look for acorns, and is attacked by an eagle. Well, The Captain’s colors don’t run, motherfucker! He attacks the eagle, and kills it to death!

Dennis and Louie climb Raymond to get a look around, and he heads to a nearby pond - narrowly avoiding being struck by a falling avian corpse. When they reach the pond, they see there is a nearby outhouse, which is making grunting noises. Dennis runs over and peeks under the door to see what is going on, and sees a wall of blue leather that groans “Ooohh, I shouldn’t have eaten all that cheese.”

The Captain, coated in eagle gore, follows along as the new king of the treetops. His scent invisibly wafts over the clearing. The blue wall of leather says “I smell something - blood! That will go great with this cheese!”

The door of the dunny is flung open with dramatic force. Dennis is hurled across the clearing at velocity, and is only saved from smashing into a tree by Raymond catching him with his tongue. Out of the shitter runs a huge Wereshark, its beady eyes fixated on the bloody squirrel. He hurls his trident at it, knocking it out, and out of the tree! The Wereshark races across the clearing to grab The Captain. Just as his clawed fins were about to close around the poor little squirrel, Raymond does a fastball special and flings Dennis at him. Dennis the fieldmouse punches the Wereshark and stuns it. He then runs up its arm and breaks off some of the cheese it has in a death grip in its off hand, and runs away.

Louie ignores all these goings on, and extracts a lily pad out of the pond, in defiance of the little sharks swimming around.

The Captain comes to, in time to see another squirrel race off into the trees. Squirrels mean acorns! The chase is on! He rounds a bend and there is that bloody capybara again! It’s eating an acorn! That is not on! The Captain runs up to its mouth and tries to pull the acorn out, but fails and gets eaten by the Capybara. Everything goes black.

Dennis gets ambushed by other mice on his way back to the toadstool ring. They steal his cheese and run away, straight into some quicksand that Louie is stuck in. Louie drags himself out, steals the cheese, and lets the mouse die. Dennis, chasing the mouse, also goes in the quicksand, but shadow steps out.

Louie and Dennis didn’t see which way The Captain went, so they head back to the circle and return their items. They turn back to their normal forms.

Meanwhile, back at the Capybara - The Captain regains consciousness, again. The Capybara says he will give The Captain his acorn if the Captain returns the rest of his cracker. The Captain tells it he left the cracker in the toadstool circle. The Capybara’s squirrel friend goes to look, and steals the cracker right in front of Louie and Dennis, the brazen thief. They follow it back to the Capybara, who at this point is locked in a mortal battle with The Captain who has climbed into the Capybara’s mouth and is attempting to eat his way out, upwards through the brain. He succeeds in doing this, steals the acorn out of the Capybara’s corpse, also steals back the cracker from the squirrel, and runs back to the Toadstool ring.

Down with Lycanthropy!

Once all the party members are returned to their normal shapes, a Pixie appears and says we’ve passed all its tests, what do we want. The Captain (in a rare moment of lucidity) asks it for some fairy floss. The Pixie says it has some, and will give it to us if we kill its mortal enemy. “The Wereshark!” yells The Captain and runs off back to the pond.

“No, I was talking about Daisy - where has he gone?”

Louie runs off to assist the Captain. Dennis sticks around just long enough to get some details about Daisy from the Pixie before chasing after them. Daisy is a cow, and she ate the Pixies lucky four-leaf clover. The Pixie wants it back. Daisy is in the clearing at the top of the hill, near the oak tree. Dennis gets the general direction, then runs after the rest of the party.

The Captain races (stealthily) into the clearing by the pond to observe the Wereshark leaning over the pond consoling his children and telling them he will get them another lily pad. The Captain backstabs the crap out of him from behind! It doesn’t die, though, and retaliates. The Captain, as it turns out, is not immune to Lycanthropy - but that takes a while to cook, so the fight is still on! Louie catches up and proceeds to be thoroughly useless, trying to broker some sort of peace. Well, there’s none to be had here!

Dennis, running through the forest, decides to draw some cards from his Deck of Wonder. This round goes much better! He draws 3 cards:

1. The King of Wands. Resistance to Thunder damage for 8 days.
2. The Fool. Dennis gets an uncommon magic item - a House of Cards.
3. The Ace of Wands. One non-magical possession goes missing. Dennis’ backpack.

Fortunately, the DC to find the backpack is only 15, which Dennis can make in his sleep, so he notes the location to go back later.

Back at the pond, Louie poisons the Wereshark so it cannot move except by jumping. Fortunately, everything it wants is right there. The Wereshark hits The Captain. The Captain hits it back. The Wereshark uses a Legendary action to hit Raymond. Louie heals The Captain. Dennis arrives and does a mighty flying strike to the Wereshark which does nothing. He then angrily grabs back his silver dagger off The Captain and stabs the Wereshark, and stuns it. Then he gives The Captain the dagger back, and uses Step of the Wind to hurl the Wereshark into the middle of the pond. Louie takes a lily pad out of his portable hole and plants it in the pond.

The Wereshark then hurls his trident, which narrowly misses The Captain - and skewers that squirrel that has been chasing us. The Captain throws Dennis’ dagger at the shark, and Louie tries to catch it - but only manages to hurt himself. The Wereshark grabs the dagger. The Captain grabs the trident, then breaks it in half and jams the pieces into the loo. Louie tries to disarm the Wereshark and fails. Raymond tries to do the same, and succeeds. We leave.

Daisy, the eldritch lady.

We pick up Dennis’ backpack, take a short rest at the toadstool, then head off in the direction that we have been told Daisy resides. On the way we meet a kindly old woman selling potions, a lesser healing potion goes for the low, low price of one toenail. Nice try, Hag! Not today! We move on.

We reach the acorn tree and there is a cow in the paddock. The Captain has calmed down a little by now, so Dennis steps up to the plate, runs into the pasture, and bites the cow. It takes some damage, doesn’t fail against stun, and is immune to poison, so the only real effect is that Dennis’ teeth dissolve. Her blood is silvery, too - weird. First time Dennis has seen silver Coke.

The Captain shoots Daisy with his bow. Daisy regurgitates two silver piles of goo. Louie hits one of the piles, which damages his Morningstar - (-1) to hit and damage now. Louie takes the hint, backs off a bit, and starts shooting the Cow.

Daisy attacks Dennis psychically, doing pretty good damage. Then it telekinetically hurls Louie off the hill. One of the silver blobs attack Raymond for some damage, also doing damage to his barding. The other one has a go at Dennis, but misses.

Dennis disengages, flies down the hill, picks Louie up and flies back. Daisy throws Louie off the other side of the hill. Raymond is also thrown off the hill, but in the original direction Louie went. The Captain shoots the Cow again.

Louie starts running up that hill. So does Raymond. Dennis hits the Cow twice, but then gets both frightened and feebleminded, and runs away. The Captain also fails his save vs fear and runs away, but comes back a bit later. Raymond makes it back to the pasture and kills one of the silver blobs. Louie, once again makes it up the hill, only to be thrown off again. Dennis attacks with some daggers, but then fails vs fear again and runs away.

Raymond kills the second silver blob, and Daisy starts running away toward the forest. Dennis chases but is telekinetically thrown - toward the forest. We have you surrounded now! Raymond chases after Daisy and hits her, but is thrown back. The Captain breaks out Bigby’s Hand and grapples Daisy, dragging her back toward the pasture. Raymond hits Daisy, but is thrown back again. The Captain hits Daisy, but is thrown back about as far as it is possible to go. At some point about now, The Captain fails a concentration check and Bigby’s Hand drops.

Dennis races back to the fight and hits Daisy twice with thrown daggers. The Captain runs back up the hill but doesn’t get all the way up this turn, so can’t see Daisy. Daisy clubs Louie down the hill, again. Louie climbs back up, mounts Raymond, and charges into melee with his morningstar! He smites the Cow! Then he and Raymond do a synchronized strike with the morningstar, from above, and Blackrazor, from below. They meet in the middle, and Daisy is dead!

A piece of Daisy lands near The Captain, and he briefly sees tentacles nothing at all.

We recover the four leaf clover from one of Daisy’s stomachs, and then hear clapping. The Pixie is here! Louie walks toward it holding the clover high in triumph - and steps on some more clover.

Oh dear.

OH&S should have condemned this barn years ago

Our heroes begin the adventure standing next to Oswald’s body inside a burning barn. Rusty starts dragging Oswald’s body outside, using judicious applications of Control Flames to keep the area around him reasonably safe, but it’s slow going because of all the fallen beams. He sends Minion to open the doors to the pens to save the trapped livestock - chickens, oxen and truffle pigs. He gets the chicken pens opened in the first round. He leaves Louie and Raymond with the - he thought - simple task of just getting themselves out. Once more, he overestimates their abilities.

Louie and Raymond start blindly stumbling through the smoke, walking into a burning beam - Raymond took the damage. Then they got run over by fleeing chickens, taking more damage. Louie opens up his portable hole and puts Raymond inside to protect him, and a bunch of chickens fall in while he’s doing that. Then he manages to get himself pinned under a falling beam, while at the same time failing a bunch of saves against smoke inhalation, dropping his movement rate to about half.

Rusty gets Oswald’s body to the barn door, and checks the door to see if it is locked from the outside - it is. Then he heads back in to the inferno to help Louie. Minion lets the oxen out, who bump up against the log on top of Louie but do not dislodge it. Then Minion also goes over to Louie to help. Louie, with our assistance, manages to get the log off himself and heads over to the door. Rusty turns to go to the door, but is then trapped himself under another burning beam, which he cannot dislodge. He then pulls out a never before seen ability that he has had since level 1 from the Fey Touched feat - and Misty Steps out from under the beam to the door.

We fail to get the door open, then fail to avoid the oxen who also want to get out the door. They succeed on getting the door open, though. We’re outside!

Eyes in the night

We see a pair of yellow eyes in the darkness, which run away. We toss Oswald into the hole and drink some healing potions, then give chase. Our quarry is too fast, though, and we cannot catch it. We return to the inn to find a crowd of townsfolk crowding the square. An owl lands in the middle of the crowd carrying a letter filled with exposition, and a handy person - Henrietta - steps forward to read it to us. Because Louie can’t read? I don’t know.

The letter says “Send them to me”, whereupon Henrietta lists off a heap of directions about how to get to Sybil that she never bothered to tell us before:

1. Go to the edge of the wood (it doesn’t matter where).
2. Whisper “Freedom on the edge of the wood, a pale star, guided by the spirit who walks freely.”
3. Walk forward until the trees block out the sun.
4. Close your eyes and keep walking until you see her doorstep.
5. Do not go in unless invited.
6. To leave, do everything in reverse.

We then rest for the night in the inn, as it is apparently impossible to reach Sybil’s cottage at night (see step 3). We search Oswald’s body, which has 30gp and a letter:

“Oswald my servant, you are to find Father Daragah and inform him to pay his taxes or else we will reveal his secret. Additionally, you are to discern any knowledge regarding Sir Thames. Yours eternally, W.G.”

Apparently nobody notices at this point that, in addition to Oswald’s body, there is also Raymond and a bunch of chickens in the portable hole. 14 chickens, if I recall correctly.

The idiot in the woods

In the morning we set off for Sybil’s house, and by following the instructions we get there without incident. It is a tall manor house, grayed with age, lightly covered in vines. The door has a knocker in the shape of a lion, which we greet. It looks down. We look down. There is a package there, addressed to Rusty, Louie and Raymond. That is obviously exclusionist against created life forms, as Minion is right there, and we stand up for the poor little guy. People can be so thoughtless. The addressing changes to Raymond and Minion, which just underlines that they were unthinkingly prejudiced initially, and know they are being deliberately offensive. I cannot wait until we get out of this podunk town. It has some nice people, but there are one hell of a lot of assholes.

Minion opens the box, and a letter floats out. It unfolds on its own, then talks to us, which raises the question of why put a letter in a parcel, and why put a voicemail in a letter when there is a talking door-knocker right there. Sybil’s intelligence lowers in my estimation, chasing her basic decency to see which can reach the bottom first. The letter says “Hello lovelies. I’ve been interested in you for a while now, and I want to help. I don’t know exactly what you will need. Here is a key - look it up in Henrietta’s library. Don’t forget Sir Thames sword. Make sure you figure it out by midnight or everyone dies. Love & kisses. Toodleoo.” Inside the parcel there is a key and a map of Henrietta’s library.

OK, so my low impression of her intelligence takes the lead - or at least her estimation of how easy it is to see through her bullshit. If she doesn’t know what we need, how does she know exactly where to find it, and have a key to get there? How does she know that everything needs to be wrapped up by midnight? How does she know everyone will die? And what does she mean by everyone? Everyone everyone? In the town? The forest? Mordentshire? The multiverse? Sybil needs to learn better expression, and a course in basic logic would probably help too.

We head back. Once again, Sybil’s poor understanding of logic and clarity are brought into stark relief. We close our eyes and walk backward from the doorstep until we feel the sunlight, then open our eyes and keep going backward until we reach the edge of the forest, at which point we shout that stupid phrase backwards, because that’s what the instructions say. Then we appear back at Sybil’s house. Several variations of this follow, where we do different variations of “everything in reverse” including opening Sybil’s house door to leave, because that’s the reverse of one of the instructions. Opening her house unleashes a slowly growing sphere of annihilation on the world, and frankly I hope it gets Sybil first. Now I’m not sure if her actions are motivated by cruelty or stupidity - she can obviously control this, and has put us on a time limit (remember, everyone dies at midnight) but is perfectly happy to waste several hours, several times, just to let us depart her forest. Moron.

Once we are free, we go to Henrietta’s house and she’s being stupid too, which strongly hints that she may be Sybil in disguise. It’s hard to imagine that one location could have two sociopathic idiots of that magnitude close together - they would have killed each other by now. Anyway, we get several buckets of exposition from the library, carefully marked by X’s. Didn’t know exactly what we needed, my metal arse. Sybil obviously knows exactly what has been happening, is happening, and will happen, and exercises frightening control over the forest that these werewolves travel through every day. She could easily have trapped them, so everything that has happened is on her head.

Chicken fight!

We get Haladriel to, and I quote, “make as much wolfsbane potion as you can and take it to the church”. This becomes important later. Then Minion flies up high to see if he can finally spot an Oak tree - and lo and behold, there’s one right by Sir Thames house. Fucking Sybil.

Then we get Raymond out of the hole to go there, and the bloody thing is now full of abyssal chickens, because that’s what happens to chickens in portable holes, apparently. The subsequent fight goes swimmingly, from Rusty’s perspective. He was kiting them backwards, killing 2 per round with his lightning launchers. Louie then goes and dies and has to be hauled up a tree by Raymond, using an ability that (it turns out later) he doesn’t even have. Minion tries to get to him to feed him a potion, but the chickens can jump 30’ straight up, and Minion goes down. Rusty has to start swinging around to get in a position to heal Louie, which allows the chickens to catch up a bit and hit him with an opportunity attack. Louie then gets himself out of trouble with a natural 20 on a death save, allowing Rusty to cleanly finish off the chickens.

Silver swords really do matter

We go and dig up the sword, and we end up giving it to Louie, because god knows he needs something. It’s a Silver Moon-touched Longsword +1 that casts bright light a 15’ radius, and dim light in a further 15’. Discussing the nature of the sword leads to a discussion about the “extra” abilities that Lycanthropes have in Ethan’s world. Basically, you need silver. Nothing else will do. Seriously - you can slaughter a lycanthrope with a silver fork, while a Meteor Swarm will bounce off them without doing any damage, unless you somehow manage to integrate silver into it somewhere. So Rusty has to desperately cobble together stuff on the way back to the church to boost the party members. We take 3 pieces of silver cutlery from Sir Thames house, and silver Rusty’s mace and boost his lightning launcher for 6 silver-enhanced shots. Of Lightning.

He also crafts the silver arrowhead that Eryn’s dad left for her into a tooth cap for Raymond. All while running back to the church.

It’s always the cult leader

We get back to the church just before the doors close and self-lock. Nothing suspicious about that. We spend some time making sure that everyone in the town is there, and they are, waiting for the first course of food to show up. Which, of course, raises the question of who is cooking? Oh, and Father Daragar is apparently in his sanctum, sanctuming. We grab all the potions of Wolfsbane Haladriel managed to cook up - only one. What the f, Haladriel? You had ingredients for at least two, and this is supposed to be what you are good at!

Anyway, we head to the sanctum. The door isn’t locked. Rusty breaks off the locking pin so it cannot be locked behind us, and we go in. There are no obvious exits, nor is there any way to operate the locks on the church doors. The locking shafts lead downstairs, though, so we know there must be some way down. On the desk is a set of papers, and there’s something off about the bust of Selune.

Rusty reads the papers, and it’s a long-winded, creepy, voyeuristic confession that Father Daragar is behind everything, and is doing it to convert Eryn into a werewolf. Dirty old creep. We then move the bust of Selune, and once it’s out of the illusion field, it transforms into a statue of Malar. Rusty casually defaces it and throws it away, which opens the hidden staircase down.

Minion tells everyone whats going on, and they all react in a predictably calm and collected manner by either completely losing their shit or not understanding anything about what is going on. This fucking town.

Focus fire on the girl

We go downstairs, and there is Father Daragar and Eryn. Eryn is in full wolf mode, but Father Daragar is a skinny old fart. He starts by expositing a bit, but we’ve been exposited at by masters, and we mock him mercilessly. During this, Rusty is telepathically talking to Eryn, telling her the truth in opposition to Father Daragar’s stupid lies.

Combat! On one side is Rusty, Louie and Raymond, with Minion hanging back and trying to look inconspicuous. On the other side is a wolfed up Eryn and Father Daragar and his 3 mirror images. Rusty wins initiative, then Louie & Raymond, followed by Eryn and Father Daragar.

Rusty opens with Magic Missile, which while doing no damage, dispels the mirror images. Louie & Raymond move forward, but can’t reach melee range this round, so hold their actions. Eryn moves into range (but they keep holding) and has a go at them, but she misses. Father Daragar eldritch blasts Rusty and crits, incapacitating him for one round.

Louie and Raymond grapple Eryn, Father Daragar has another go at Rusty but completely misses. Minion flies in and pours Wolfsbane potion down Eryn’s throat. Louie then moves to Father Daragar, and smites him - eventually, after burning through all the parties inspiration and silvery barbs from Father Daragar. Raymond also moves to attack FD, but this prompts an attack of opportunity from Eryn, who takes him out of the fight. Eryn then moves to attack Rusty, but misses. Father Daragar tries to hit Louie, but also misses.

Minion feeds Raymond a healing potion, bringing him back to full HP. Rusty also drinks a potion, quickly, but rolls amazingly. Then he hits Father Daragar twice with his Lightning Lances. Louie takes a swing at FD but misses. Eryn turns into a human at this point and falls comatose to the floor.

Now to destroy the Chthweenie

Minion tries to turn the portcullis but fails and takes damage for this trouble. Father Daragar pulls out an evil little sword and starts poking Louie with it.

Rusty shoots Father Daragar, Louie hits him, and Raymond bites and grapples him. Father Daragar smashes Raymond, dropping him. Rusty runs over, feeds Raymond a potion, and shoots the shit out of Father Daragar, stunning him. Ethan had to temporarily leave the room to scream. Louie pokes Father Daragar in his Cthweenie with the silver sword and Rusty grounds a Lightning Bolt down it to kill the Father. We loot the body and get a Necklace of Mage Armour AC 17, which will be given to Raymond.

We nurse Eryn back to life, Rusty has a go at opening the portcullis, and Louie goes upstairs to reassure the townsfolk.

Then the body gets back up.

Dennis triumphant

The train hurtles through a purple sky toward the fleshy purple ground earth, scabbed with black patches of rot. Twisted purple mountains scratch the sky. Rusty grabs as many people as he can and plane shifts back into the ship. The train ploughs into the ground. Everyone blacks out.

We wake an unknown amount of time later, and Dennis’ mind is overwhelmed with bloodlust, and he attacks the only living creatures in sight - the other characters! PVP battle royale!

OK, so Dennis’ initiative sucks. The Captain rules with 30, Louie and Raymond come in next on 22, and Dennis is last with 14. Give me your best shot, Captain! Oh, he missed. Pity. Louie tries his luck! Oh, he missed too. Raymond, in what we have come to expect, is MVP and actually manages to hit Dennis - but Dennis redirects the damage back! Heh. Dennis bites Raymond and stuns him. He decides the big frog doesn’t taste very nice and looks for the tastiest morsel. Sorry, Captain. Dennis bites the Captain and drops him. Start your Death Saves, buddy.

Next round, the Captain is down, but makes his death save. Raymond bites Dennis and tries to swallow him but fails on the swallow. Louie hits Dennis twice with his Morningstar and applies a bunch of poison conditions. Dennis then takes a swing at Louie and hits, but resists an incoming compulsion well enough to temporarily regain sanity and uses Hand of Heal on The Captain, but it doesn’t appear to work.

The Captain, once again, misses his turn. Louie stacks on more poisoned conditions, finally disabling Dennis (because he didn’t understand how his poison removal works). Dennis misses this turn.

The Captain finally manages to stick Dennis with one of his own daggers and poisons him with Good Times. Oh! It was all a dream.

We all come to in a room in an inn. The Captain, who regained consciousness when Dennis “killed” him, had been poking Dennis with his won daggers to try and break him out of his fugue state. Louie and Raymond woke up when Dennis was broken out. Esmerelda was there, helping us all recover. We all get the benefits of a long rest, the only exception being a bit of damage to Dennis from dagger pokes, and one level of exhaustion from resisting the mental compulsion.

Back to the very start

Esmerelda reveals that we are, somehow, in Phandalin. Out of character, it seems pretty obvious that this is a Inception situation, but none of the characters have seen that movie, so we accept it at face value. What then follows is a bunch of exposition, which I will summarize here:

• Gundrin Rockseeker was the one that found our unconscious bodies and brought us back to the Inn, so we owe him.
• Gundrin Rockseeker has subsequently been kidnapped by goblins, but nobody knows where they are.
• There are rumours of a Banshee called Agatha who will answer questions, if asked.
• Several people want to talk to us: The Toymaker, Locke, Dr Stella and the mayor of Phandalin, and Harbin Wester - who we immedately re-christened Harvey Weinstein.

We leave our room and find Dr Stella in the main room of the inn, tending to some very sick Revallians. Apparently, the collapse of the Revallia and death of Heckna caused all of their snozzlers to die, and they are now wasting away. They have a tuberculosis-like cough that sprays glitter everywhere. Dr Stella needs fairy floss to craft a cure. We should be able to get some from the fairies, but the fey can be troubling to deal with.

We leave the Inn and immediately run into Harvey. He tells us they need help repairing the bridge out of town. Rusty pops out of the ship and says he’ll fix it if someone comes to watch out for him while he works. Esmerelda agrees to act as chaperone, and those two head off.

The Toymaker asks us to look for Gehry, who ran off after the crash.

Locke asks us to look for Pip, a child of the candy corn, who wandered off south-east of town, and never came back.

Our quest list

1. Fix the bridge. Rusty and Esmerelda are on that.
2. Rescue Gundrin Rockseeker from the goblins.
3. Find Gehry and bring him back to town.
4. Find Pip and bring him back to town.
5. Get some fairy floss for Dr Stella to cure the Revallians.

To help with any exposition we may have missed, there is a Banshee called Agatha somewhere that can answer questions for us.

What to do, what to do.

Rusty has left, taking with him the brain cell shared between him, Louie, Raymond and Dennis. As a result, The Captain steps up to a leadership position. Honestly, with a name like “The Captain”, you’d think he’d be more comfortable taking charge. In any case, he decides we are going to find Pip first, and we set off.

With very little effort, we find a cave that looks suspicious. Unfortunately it is too small for Raymond to get in, so he posts up outside and blocks the entrance with his butt. Inside we find the floor is covered with what we are told are frog eggs, but nobody was fooled. Deep in the cave, we find Pip, obviously mind controlled, and with some sort of face-hugger with a green eye attached to his forehead. Pip refuses to leave, because he has to stay to tend to his new friends. Well, that isn’t going to fly, young man! A bunch more face-huggers (apparently called Echelon) appear!

Initiative! Louie is first, then the Echelon, then Raymond, then Dennis, then The Captain. We don’t know this yet, but there is another group of face-huggers outside facing off against Raymond - they go last.

Louie knows what he must do. Abjure the Extraplanar! Louie has had this since 3rd level, but never got a chance to use it until now. Unfortunately, it also affects Dennis - but if you’re not prepared to rain fire on your own position, you’re not prepared to win! The face-huggers (except for the one on Pip) all fail, and have to flee. Dennis, thankfully, makes his save. Louie then touches Pip and poisons him to make him afraid of his allies, but he takes psychic damage from touching an Echelon. The Captain also takes damage, because he’s holding Pip.

The Echelon then go, but they all run away as far as they can (into the corners) and then take the Dodge action.

Outside, Raymond takes a swing at one of the Echelon and hits it twice. The Echelon is astonished that nothing happens to Raymond as a result. Raymond crits one of the Echelon, but doesn’t manage to drop any of them.

Back inside, Dennis manages to spear the Echelon on Pip without spearing Pip, and poisons it. Then he makes his strength check to rip it off and smacks it into a wall. Dennis takes some Psychic damage, and Pip comes to his senses. Dennis then switches to throwing cards, killing the Echelon. In its death throes, it causes a bunch of eggs to hatch, releasing mini-Echelons from their eggs. Dennis then grabs Louie by his armour handle and runs to the exit - but it’s blocked by Raymond, so we stop at the door. Dennis turns sround and flurry of blows the Echelon by the door to death. More mini-Echelon are released.

The Captain gives Oriana a mini-bow, and gives Pip a had crossbow, and then starts moving to the exit, unloading a storm of arraws as he goes. Between them they almost kill one, and the party is now posted up by the exit. The one The Captain attacked is released from fear by taking damage and tries to latch on to The Captain, but misses. One of the Echelon outside the cave does manage to attach itself to Raymond.

The mini-echelon now act and do a fair chunk of damage to The Captain.

Louie’s turn again, and for the second time, he elects to rain fire on his own position, casting Moonbeam. The single wounded Echelon that is free to attack started his turn inside the Moonbeam and takes damage. Raymond turns around and hits Louie with Blackrazor, for 28 and 11 HP, but Louie makes his concentration checks both times. Raymond then turns back around and re-blocks the exist with his butt. Dennis takes half damage from the Moonbeam, cards 7 minis to death, then turns around and stuns Raymond, causing his to slump forward. There’s enough gap for us to squeeze out, and Dennis flies out and straight up 55’.

The Captain also squeezes out the gap and moves his full move away, while shooting Raymond. Orianna, showing better judgement and skill, shoots Raymonds Echelon. The two free Echelon outside choose to chase Dennis and The Captain, but neither of them can go fast enough to catch us, so they simply dashed into melee range and ended their turns there.

Back inside, the only echelon in range takes a swing at Louie, and while it doesn’t hit him, does touch him, so poisons itself. Louie has a go back at it and kills it, releasing more mini-Echelon - but they are considered to have entered the Moonbeam effect, and instantly die. Louie then squeezes out, climbs on Raymond’s back, and levers the Echelon off his head. Raymond, in a fit of rage, massacres the Echelon that had been dominating him. As it does not die on top of a pile of eggs, no mini-Echelon are released.

55 feet up, Dennis disengages, moves 5’ back, and unloads with his cards on the Echelon up there, killing it. Then he moves over to 55’ above The Captain and fires his remaining cards at the Echelon chasing the Captain. The Captain disengages, moves a short distance, and fires at his pursuer, killing it - much to his chagrin, because he was looking forward to kiting it around the clearing, chipping away at it with arrows while it could never quite catch up.

Louie then methodically moved the Moonbeam around the cave, killing all the eggs and remaining mini-Echelon, before killing the last Echelon which was still crammed into a corner, terrified. The Captain makes a heroic Perception check, and spots the last egg - nestled in Pip’s ear. He kills it, and that, hopefully, is the end of the Echelon.

We head back to town.

Finis.

Blood for the Blood God!

We enter Heckna’s tent. He asks us to take a seat, but won’t give us our chair, so what was the point? Food appears on the tables.

Dennis decides to stack the deck, and draws 4 cards from the Deck of Wonder. Not well. He gained an Augury spell, but also disadvantage on intelligence saves, initiative, and -1d4 on all saves. Ouch.

The Captain, not to be out-done, draws a card from his deck, and gets Power Word Stun. Heckna has too many HP for it to affect, so he stuns a table instead. This was apparently sufficiently aggressive for Heckna to attack. Initiative!

The Captain gets 33, Louie gets 23, Dennis (with disadvantage) gets 21, and Heckna comes in stone motherless last.

The Captain, still fixated on the table, critical hits and kills it. It turns back into a person. OK. the critical allowed TC to do a follow up attack, so he hits another table. Kills it too, and it turns back into a person as well. Does Heckna even own any furniture? TC finishes his round by hiding underneath the last remaining table.

Raymond & Louie hit Heckna with a mace, and he explodes into confetti. That was suspiciously easy. Oh no, a perception roll reveals he has teleported to the corner where he is attempting - poorly - to hide. Louie & Raymond attack again.

Dennis spots where he has gone, comes up behind him, whispers “I can see you” and bites him. As a hiccoughing dog. He poofs away again, and whispers an activation phrase which Winter Soldiers Stella. She has a go at Dennis, but misses.

Heckna hits Louie with a natural 20! He was so happy, until Louie’s Mizzium armour negated the critical, at which point he was so sad. He did pretty good damage, none the less. Then he laughs, and incapacitates both Dennis & Raymond (neither of whom have very good CHA saves). Then he hits Louie again.

The Captain pops up and (using inspiration) hits Heckna again. This may be the only recorded instance where using inspiration has actually helped The Captain. Louie an Raymond follow up wit more damage to Heckna, and he responds by flinging acidic webs everywhere. This has the effect of allowing Dennis another save, which he makes. Nice!

Dennis attacks Heckna and succeeds in stunning him, then doing a crit. The crit makes him drop his hammer. Heckna ports away and throws an anvil at Dennis. We’ve seen this before - these things explode when they hit the ground. Dennis drops the hammer and catches the anvil, and then spends 2 ki points to redirect it back at Heckna. BOOM!

Stella take a shot at Raymond but misses, then briefly shakes off her conditioning to heal Dennis.

The Captain, from hiding, changes Heckna’s sound track to Pirates of the Carribean, which drives Heckna up the wall. Then TC heals himself. Louie hits Heckna and crits! Raymond hits Heckna too, and even though he doesn’t crit, does even more damage than Louie. Stella stabs Louie with bleach, but he’s immune to poison, so it has no effect. This was sufficiently surprising that it allowed her to shake off her conditioning a second time, and she heals Louie instead.

Heckna is a big fat cheat

Heckna decides that it’s time to pull out all the stops. He pulls out a candy wrapper - then things got weird. I’ll just explain what he did. The candy wrapper was a scroll of time stop. Heckna used that time to cast Nondetection and Greater Invisibility on himself. Then he cast Forcecage around Louie, Raymond and Stella, because Louie/Raymond had done the most damage so far. Then he cast delayed blast fireball, and finished off with Meteor Swarm - which, as a damaging spell, ends the Time Stop.

At this point, Louie and Raymond are both blind, and inside the Forcecage, they are protected from the unholy firestorm outside. They were confused as what the god-awful sound must have been.

The Captain and Dennis, outside the Forcecage, are subjected to an insane amount of fire attacks. To Ethan’s horror, he didn’t even get to roll the damage dice. Both Dennis and The Captain made all their saves, and as they both have Evasion, no damage was done. Heckna stood aghast, wondering what the hell just happened.

The Nondetection means that Raymond, our Heckna detector, is no longer working, and we can’t spot where he is. Dennis, seeing only one opponent, shadow steps into the Forcecage, and starts poking Stella gently with daggers. Stella returns the favour and petrifies Dennis.

The fall of The Captain

Heckna takes this opportunity to absolutely smash The Captain, dropping him. He then proceeds to whale on his corpse. The Captain is 2 death saves down!

Dennis and Louie are trying their best to escape the Forcecage and go to The Captain’s aid, but with Dennis petrified, there isn’t much they can do (once we remembered he was petrified, anyway).

Heckna laughs evilly and sets up the coup de grace by bringing a piano into existence above The Captain, and letting it fall. As it plummets towards him, we all salute a brave, fallen Captain.

Enter the Marionette

Suddenly, the Pirates of the Carribean theme song rings out again, played by Oriana, riding the piano down. She whips out a scroll of Power Word Heal, and The Captain is back in the fight! He rolls out from underneath the falling piano and Oriana backflips off it as it falls. She lands on The Captains shoulder. Heckna is so flabbergasted, he drops concentration on Greater Invisibility and reappears. It’s on now, Heckna!

Inside the Forcecage, Louie restores Dennis with Greater Restoration - which also removed his -1d4 to saves debuff. Nice! Dennis finally manages to stab Stella, poisoning her with Happy Times, a hallucinogenic that makes her think that everybody is a friend. She can be Winter Soldiered as much as she wants, because we’re all Hydra now, baby! Everyone but Dennis jumps in Louie’s portable hole, and Dennis shadow steps out of the Forcecage. Heckna’s delayed blast fireball, set for just this situation, goes off! But it’s only Dennis there, and that evasion is a really useful skill. Sorry, Ethan.

Dennis hits Heckna some more, and it’s finally enough. He wedges his head between the bars of the forcecage, and pulls on his big stupid feet so he’s stretched out horizontal. Raymond swings Blackrazor and bisects the clown vertically. Now we can fit one more body in the car!

That might have been a bit rash

Now that Heckna is dead, the entire world starts to unravel. We grab the chair and get the heck out of dodge, racing for the train station. On the way, we hitch Raymond and The Captain to Lock’s wagon and bring him along. Dennis and Orianna, along with her army of constructs, free as many of the caged animals as we can. Dennis then unlocks Ghery the Giant’s box so he can flee, but he’s too enthusiastic, and starts to squash smaller people. The Captain ankle taps him to slow him down. To the left, a horde of feral clowns are attacking citizens, but Heckna, wearing a very fashionable feather boa, tells them to knock that shit off, and they do.

We all get to the train, and we quickly hand over the chair and the throttle. The train won’t start! Gehry and Bigby’s Hand push start us, and as they get the train over the lip of the hill, it starts to accelerate. Gehry is being left behind - Rusty casts Levitate on him to reduce his weight, and Bigby’s Hand throws him into the train with a natural 20, and waves as we depart.

The next thing we know, the world has disintegrated. We fly through the mists, and crash into a dark, purple world. Welcome to Bluetspur.

And we all level up!

Retcon

Before our very eyes, the 7 feral clowns are transformed into 3 feral clowns - 1 lightly chained to a desk, and 2 at the blackboards. Stella remained where she was.

The (suddenly reduced) forces attack!

Initiative is rolled - The Captain wins (because of course he does), Louie and Raymond go second. Feral Clown 1 comes next, followed by Dennis. Then Feral Clowns 2 & 3. Stella sort of pops in where needed - she didn’t do much.

Round 1

The Captain moves forward, hides, and launches a ranged attack from there at the only thing in range - Feral Clown 3, which is at a desk. The Captain does 30HP.

Louie and Raymond leap into action (literally) and put a beatdown on Feral Clown 2, doing 29HP then 18HP.

Feral Clown 1 closes with Raymond and critical hits with a Giggle Stab, doing 25HP. Raymond makes his WIS save, but the critical deafens him for 1 turn. The clown then smacks Raymond in the face with a Lemon Meringue pie! It does 10 bludgeoning damage, and requires a CHA save - which Raymond fails, so he falls on his back laughing hysterically. Louie is trapped underneath. The clown finishes up with a Mirthful Slice, doing 11 slashing.

Dennis flies into action, getting to the only clown in range - Feral Clown 3. He stabs once (the clown makes his CON save vs paralysis), twice (clown saves again) and then bites! This time the clown fails his CON save and is stunned. 37 damage total.

Feral Clown 2 swings at Raymond and misses, but then hits with the pie. He also hits with a Mirthful Slice for 8HP.

Dr Stella mends and flicks a nail, but misses. Dennis gives her inspiration, so it hits for 7 piercing.

Round 2

The Captain hits Feral Clown #3 for 28HP. Then he hides.

Raymond stands up, Louie hits Feral Clown 1, then Raymond hits Feral Clown 2.

Feral Clown #1 critical hits Raymond for 28 piercing, who makes his WIS save. The critical takes out Raymonds right eye. The pie hits for 16 bludgeoning. 18 for CHA save.

Dennis paralyzes Feral Clown 1 & Feral Clown 2 and bites the shit out Feral Clown 2.

A big dodecahedral ooze enters the fight. It captures The Captain and Dennis and does a bunch of damage. Then it hits Raymond. It’s entry also killed Feral Clown 3.

Stella injects Raymond with Enlarge.

Round 3

The Captain tries to escape the ooze and fails. The only way to hit it is to pick a number between 1 & 12, then roll it on d12. This is mathematically hard.

Raymond hits the dodecahedron on face 7 (nice!), and face 7 disappears. Then he hits again on face 6, which disappears. Raymond MVP again! Louie tries to hit twice, but misses.

The ooze hits back.

Dennis is inside the ooze, and restrained, and taking acid damage. He asks for clarification from Ethan how trying to hit the ooze works, with the disadvantage he has to hit, and the weird “to hit” process. Ethan, not thinking, says “You name your face, then roll 2d12 and take the lowest.” Dennis, not being a fool, says “I’m going for face #1” and rolls 2d12, one of which is a one. Nice! “Now I’m going for face #2.” Hits again! This is like advantage but with a smaller dice! Dennis then runs away, temporarily forgetting about opportunity attacks, and takes big acid damage.

The feral clowns are either dead or paralyzed, so no turn for them.

Round 4

The Captain stabs his way out of the ooze and hides in the corner. Around this time we find that while you can only call a face that still exists, if you roll a face which does not, it counts as a hit. Progress accelerates.

Louie uses ranged attacks and does some damage.

Feral Clown 1 teleports up to Raymond and does some damage.

Dennis cards the crap out of, in order, the Dodecahedron (which dies), Feral Clown 2 (which dies) and then Feral Clown 1 (which survives, but the last critical hit gave Louie and Raymond an opportunity attack which kills it).

End combat.

A hard conversation

Louie then spends some time telling Dr Stella about her sister’s death. Heckna steals the door. Stella says she knows the way out but can’t remember right now.

We try opening cupboards. The downstairs ones have nothing, but when Raymond licks the first upstairs ones, it turns into a plushie of a nautiloid. The next wardrobe turns into a small garden snake. The third wardrobe turns into a pool of bleach. We figure out how to teleport from S to N blackboards. Then the S & N blackboards form a rainbow - The Captain rides the rainbow and explodes into pixie dust. He’s obviously dead, but Louie notes that Dennis disappeared and didn’t die, so we should wait a few minutes to see if he reappears.

Dennis tries making some dim light by breaking a lamp. I think Ethan is tired of Shadow Step, because a shade came out and attacked Dennis, draining 2 STR. Dennis struck back and killed it? It disappeared, anyhow.

Then lots more came. Fine! We got into the rainbow. Dennis turns into ash. Blackrazor wants a shadow before they go, but there’s 17 of them. They kill one, then get into the rainbow. Raymond turns into 50,000,000 tadpoles. Louie turns into a lizard-folk.

Only the house wins

The Captain breezes through

We are in a gaming room. Feetloaf is there. The Captain is already playing something - Lute Champion. The Captain wins by singing All-Star.

Now it’s PVP

We look at Tekkis. There are 2 sides - Vecna & Tiamat. On each side there are 6 buttons.

Tiamat’s attacks:

Standard

1. Dragon Claw strike. Tiamat slashes with her draconic claws, launching opponents into the air. (STR)
2. Tail Whip. A sweeping tail attack that knocks foes off their feet. (DEX)
3. Bite Combo. A quick series of biting attacks, ending with a fiery breath blast. (CON)

Special

1. Five headed fury. Tiamat’s heads breathe different elements - fire, ice, acid, lightning and poison. She can unleash a devastating combo by chaining these breath attacks together. (CHA)
2. Chromatic breath. A ranged attack where Tiamat breathes a cone of multi-colored energy. (WIS)
3. Winds of Wrath Tiamat flaps her wings, creating a gust of wind that pushes opponents away. (INT)

Vecna’s attacks:

Standard

1. Eye Gouge. Vecna’s bony hand jabs opponents in the eyes. (DEX)
2. Forbidden Tome Slam. He smashes an ancient book into foes. (STR)
3. Necrotic Grasp. A touch attack that drains life force. (CON)

Special

1. Hand of Vecna. Vecna’s severed hand materializes, grabbing opponents and draining their strength. (INT)
2. Arcane Glyphs. He summons magical symbols on the ground, creating traps or launching projectiles. (WIS)
3. Whispers of Madness. Vecna whispers dark secrets, confusing and disorienting enemies. (CHA)

Str beats Dex. Dex beats Con. Con beats Int. Int beats Cha. Cha beats Wis. Wis beats Str. If none of that applies, you make contested checks for the statistic your attack uses to determine the winner. The first player to 3 wins, wins.

Rounds:

1. 5 headed fury vs Eye gouge. Louie wins first round. Dennis gets vulnerability to acid.
2. Dragon Claw vs Necrotic Grasp. Dennis wins this round. Louie gets reduction to STR by 3.
3. 5 headed fury vs Whispers of Madness. Louie wins. Dennis gets vulnerability to fire.
4. 5 headed fury vs Arcane Glyphs. Louie auto-wins. Dennis gets vulnerability to lightning.

Louie wins the game. He comes out with a STR reduction, but because he’s the winner, he gets one problem removed, and it’s the only one - so Louie is fine. Dennis comes out with vulnerability to acid, fire and lightning.

This game is rigged

Every player has to win one game to be allowed to leave, so Dennis has to enter the drinking game. The rules are, there are 10 rounds of drinks. Each drink has a different effect, which you suffer whether you fail or not. Each requires a CON save. If you fail 3 saves, you’re out. Last man standing wins.

His opponents are a Minotaur (who we presume has inhuman constitution) and Jaziran, who is immune to poison. Dennis has CON saves, which he is not proficient in.

Drinks

1. The first drink is Celestial Star-Wine. Everyone passes and gains the ability to levitates for an hour.
2. The second drink is Githyanki Silver Trance. The Minotaur fails, but Jaziran and Dennis succeed. All colors look silver to us, and our depth perception is altered. It causes everything to be seen through a disorienting haze. We all lose passive perception for 4 hours.
3. The third drink is Ixitxachitl Venom-Bite. The Minotaur fails again (how?), Jaziran passes, but Dennis fails. We all gain a venomous bite attack - +2d6 poison damage for 3 hours. Dennis also has to hiccup uncontrollably for 1 hour.
4. The fourth drink is Yggdrasil’s Seasonal Cycle. The Minotaur fails and is out of the game. Jaziran passes, Dennis fails. Drinkers appearance and personality shift through the 4 seasons for 4 seconds.
5. The fifth drink is Sausage Dog Swill . Jaziran and Dennis both succeed. We turn into a burmese mountain dogs for 6 hours. During this time, Louie notices that Jaziran is taking an unhealthy interest in his Nautiloid plushie, and he sign-languages that he will give Jaziran the plushie if he throws the match.
6. The sixth drink is Garbled Gabbler’s Grogs. Jaziran succeeds but fails on a nat 1, Dennis fails but uses Hand of Heal to auto-pass (he’s only allowed to do this once). Dennis has to spell pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, and to Ethan’s astonishment, succeeds. For this spectacular success, Dennis gets 3 nat 20s to use whenever he wants. Jaziran indicates that he will not throw the match unless Louie gives him the plushie right now, which he does. Jaziran extends his aura to give Dennis +5 on saves.
7. The seventh drink is Simulacrum Spirits. Dennis succeeds with a nat 20, that he actually rolled. Jaziran fails, deliberately. We both get a ghostly duplicate of ourselves, which mimics our actions for 2 hours.
8. The eighth drink is unknown. Dennis passes, Jaziran fails with a nat 1. There is no effect from this drink.

Jaziran gives Dennis a Manual of Bodily Health.

As a winner, Dennis gets to remove one condition. He chooses to remove vulnerability to acid. This leaves Dennis with the following conditions:

• -2 Strength
• Vulnerability to fire for an undisclosed amount of time.
• Vulnerability to lightning for an undisclosed amount of time.
• The ability to levitate for 1 hour.
• No passive perception for 4 hours.
• An additional 2d6 poison damage on bite attacks for 3 hours.
• Uncontrollable hiccuping for 1 hour.
• He is a Burmese Mountain Dog for 6 hours.
• He has 3 natural 20s to use.
• He has a ghostly duplicate that will mirror his actions for 2 hours.

We’re all winners now!

A door appears randomly in the arcade. We all leave and find ourselves in the lobby. Us’eless is still there. He appears to be frantically searching for something - no idea what. The main doors at the end are now cracked, rotting and hanging off their hinges. There is a chill wind blowing through them, and Heckna’s voice rings out: “Here you are, loitering around my lobby like lost little puppies. Have you enjoyed my fun house? Personal private audience. Teamwork, tenacity, ability to push all my buttons. I see a lot of myself in you.” Or something - I wasn’t listening.

We walk through the door. Darkness swirls around us. We smell tea. The darkness lifts, revealing a forest - dark, dense, full or trees. In the center of the glade is a small purple tent. There are lavish rooms inside with a merry fire crackling. Heckna is there, wearing a red satin smoking jacket, and drinking whisky(?) from a glass. Sitting on OUR FUCKING CHAIR!

Give us our chair back!

Some rescue this turned into

Louie, Raymond and Dennis find themselves in a room covered in mirrors, with faded red carpet. One mirror says “Do you even know who you are any more?”. Nothing to fight, and no way out.

Dennis notices a small, fanged mirror with a “D” on it. This gave rise to the expected jokes. The mirror was slightly magical, but we couldn’t figure out how to use it. Dennis assumed that it would spy on us, given the chance, so he borrowed one of Louie’s extensive shoe collection, placed the mirror inside it, and put it into his backpack. Dennis immediately noticed that the mirror re-appeared in its original location. At this point, Louie noticed a lily-pad shaped mirror with the same characteristics.

It was at this point we noticed that the trash compactor walls were closing in, and the number of mirrors was reducing - but the number of mirrors with the message on was increasing.

We stared into our mirrors and told them who we were, which was good enough. We teleported out.

The lobby of hell

We find ourselves in a new room. We recognise it from flashes we saw from the cheese room - it’s the lobby. There are sofas scattered about, and red shag carpet. Posters of Heckna cover the walls with grimaces on them. McDonalds merchandising gets everywhere. Large double doors are at the end of the room, and there are 2 doors on each side wall. Seated on one of the sofas is a clown.

He introduces himself as Us’Eless, and he is a purveyor of goods. His current stock includes:

1. A fineberry. It is a very nice berry, but has no magical power. It costs 1 red ticket.
2. A trumpet of vanishing. It makes the player invisible, but has to be continuously played. It costs 30 red tickets.
3. A ring of 3 fishes. It summons a fish whenever you sit down to a meal. It is unclear if the fish is alive or dead - testing would be required. It costs 20 red tickets.
4. A bag of molding. It makes anything placed inside go moldy. It costs 20 red tickets.
5. A Clock of Elevenkind. It is just 11 cloaks, sewn together. It costs 15 red tickets.
6. A ring of sexual protection. It makes you immune to disease, but has to be worn - well, you know where. It costs 200 red tickets.
7. A hat of attunement. If you attune to it, it gives you one more attunement slot. It costs 40 red tickets.
8. A deck of wonderful things. It costs 200 red tickets.
9. An immovable Todd. It is a mannikin, and cannot be moved. It costs 20 red tickets, shipping not included.
10. Gauntlets of fire detection. If you wear them, you can detect fire - range of touch. They cost 20 red tickets.
11. A feather boa of disguise. It allows you to cast Disguise Self at will, but a feather is always visible. It costs 100 red tickets.
12. Light vision goggles. When worn, they make you immune to light. They cost 10 red tickets.

While we are finding all this out, The Captain steals the ring of sexual healing without Us’Eless spotting it.

Dennis buys the Deck of Wonderful things and the Ring of 3 fishes. Louie buys everything else, except the immovable Todd. He’s most excited about the Light vision goggles, which combined with his Robe of Eyes, should make him immune to flash attacks (currently a weakness of his). Rusty would be interested in the Hat of Attunement. He’d like to see if he can work the bugs out of that.

Dennis immediately draws 3 cards from his deck, and gets the King of Diamonds (+1 to all saving throws until the end of your next long rest), the Jack of Clubs (+2d10 to current and max HP for 8 hours), and the Ace of Spades, whereupon he vanishes. Louie asks Us’Eless what happened to him and he replies “Well, that happens sometimes with that deck. He’s dead. Move on.”

This caused less consternation that Dennis had hoped for, and 3 minutes later, he reappears. Louie asked him where he had been and he responded “A wonderful place.” He had been to the Dennis singularity, and plane full of Dennis’.

We then have a short rest, and go through a door (right side, furthest from the double doors). There is a puzzle on the floor. We take some damage working through it, but not much. Louie figures it out. We had to spell out Heckna again. Fucking narcissist.

The maze of keep-away

We find ourselves in a maze, which is not nearly as challenging as it would have been had we not been able to see it laid out on the battle map. We travel from the Funko Pop Mind Flayer to the Funko Pop Dragon, but there’s nothing there. So we redirect to the Bigby’s Hand, and find a door with lots of locks. The Captain says he should be able to pick them, but will need a full, uninterrupted minute to work. Then we hear the clangs, coming closer.

Dennis, with an already deep-seated phobia of monkeys, knows what it is before it appears - it is a mechanical monkey, banging cymbals together. It approaches at blinding speed, hitting Louie first (he is at the back of the party). They both disappear, and reappear in randomly selected spawn points in the maze.

Dennis sets up at the furthest choke point from The Captain, and readies his spear to strike the monkey as soon as it comes into range. He hits it, doing no damage, and they both reappear somewhere else. Dennis races back into position on his turn, using full movement and bonus action dash, leaving him free to hold his action again.

This time, he attacks with throwing cards, and manages to do some actual damage with a critical hit. We discover that crits damage the monkey, slow it down, and make it vulnerable to attacks for the rest of the round - but hitting it with melee attacks causes both parties to teleport, and the teleport does psychic damage to us.

The monkey moves forward and hits Dennis, and this time they teleport close to one another. Dennis tries something new - he gets out his rope and lassos the Monkey. This causes him to teleport, but the Monkey comes too. That is when we find the monkey can misty step out of bindings.

Anyway, we keep protecting The Captain, and eventually got another crit which made it vulnerable again, and did enough damage to destroy it. The Captain gets the door open.

We reach the Control Center

We enter a large, square room, with a huge model of the Revallia. It even has tiny moving people on it. Some of them are repairing the Heckna’s Eye ferris wheel. Obviously, Dennis knocks it over again. It sticks to his finger, and does pretty hefty acid damage. It’s a huge Mimic!

Dennis hits it with his right hand, which sticks, but he makes it make a save vs stunning which it fails - but burns one Legendary Resistance. Dennis then stabs it with his spear, held in his left hand. It also sticks. Dennis disengages by shadow stepping away, which Ethan thoughtlessly allows. Later in the combat he realizes Dennis shouldn’t have been able to do that because the lighting is too bright, but it’s too late by then.

The Mimic attacks Louie, and then vanishes into his clothes. Dennis heals himself, because there’s nothing to hit. Louie knows what he has to do.

Moonbeam on his own position. The Mimic reappears! So does the Doppelganger from the train that Louie has been carrying around in a glass jar. Huh.

Everyone takes damage. The Doppelganger attacks - the Mimic!? The Mimic attacks Louie. Dennis throws some cards, then stabs the Mimic with his spear. The Mimic fails against stun but burns another Legendary Resistance. The spear is stuck. Louie and Raymond beat the Mimic hard, and we find that Blackrazor is immune to the Mimic’s stickiness. Raymond really is the MVP. The Mimic steps out of the Moonbeam and disappears again.

Dennis rolls really well for investigation, and spots the Mimic, hiding as an extra rivet on Dennis’ spear. Idiot. Rusty isn’t so unprofessional as to use rivets - he forges and welds! Dennis kicks the spear back into the Moonbeam. He also hands off his Scroll of Mass Heal to The Captain, and then starts stabbing. He gets a crit, and also burns through the Mimic’s last Legendary Resistance.

At some point, Louie got stuck to the roof - the Doppelganger sets him free. Louie falls toward the Mimic and winds up a massive hit - and completely misses, faceplanting on the floor. The Mimic stomps him while he’s on the ground, but The Captain has used the scroll by now so we’re all at full HP.

Raymond takes offense at the Mimic stomping Louie, and slaughters it with Blackrazor. Um - did we just drink all the souls of everyone in the Revallia? Oops? We check to see how many temp HP Raymond got - it was only in the 200s, so we figure it only drank the Mimic. Phew!

A standoff

We then have a tense conversation with Dop, the Doppelganger. Eventually we decide to let him go free, on the understanding that if he ever steals something from us again, he’s dead. He leaves, having stolen Louie’s Light Vision Goggles. Next time we see him, we know what will happen. We exit through a trap door that was under the Mimic.

Back to school

We find ourselves in a room laid out like a classroom, complete with a large blackboard at the front. There are 3 bodies in the room, one is dressed in academic robes, and the other two are dressed as revellers. 2 feral thralls are hunched over the bodies.

3 more thralls are slumped over desks, dead. There are 7 living thralls chained to desks - but the chains look weak. The blackboard has the message “I will not describe Heckna’s puns as a disgraceful misuse of language” written on it a hundred times.

Also chained to one of the desks is an almost comatose Dr Stella.

The feral thralls attack.

Stay tuned for more exciting adventures!

All lubed up

Sophie is dead, so we ransack her lab for lube, and get a big tub. The Toymaker retrieves a Hecnamite from the slide, and holds it up over Sophie’s body. We gloat. Then he lets it go to report to Hecna.

We return to the Toymaker’s tent for a rest. During the rest Hecna animates the moon to whinge at us about the state of his life. Loser. We get an invitation to the Funhouse, but the Toymaker does not.

We take stock and determine that we still need:

• A yucky bit, which should be inside Hecna’s current pet, which we know is in “The Good Place” in the Funhouse.
• The chair (that Hecna stole).
• The throttle, which should be in the Funhouse somewhere.

We stealthily move to the funhouse. It is surrounded by inactive Candelabra, so Rusty pops out of the ship to steal a whole, complete, mostly working one. For parts. Then he goes back into the ship. The Funhouse is a huge inflatable bouncy castle. Orianna, obviously, tries to pop it with her needle, but it turns out to be tougher than it looks. Her needle bends like a pole-vaulter’s pole, and launches her back across the courtyard to where The Captain waited.

BTW, The Captain is tired from his last exhausting outing, so has elected to return to the back of the party with Esmerelda and be both invisible and helpful. Occasionally we hear snippets of the James Bond theme being hummed.

Where Hecna breathes all over us.

The tongue of the house unrolls from the door like the world’s grossest red carpet. We enter. It gets suddenly dark. The Captain (the only party member without darkvision, now that Louie has a Robe of Eyes) stumbles about, bumping into Esmerelda. We figure out that Orianna:

• Has darkvision;
• Is telepathic;
• Has a bond with The Captain; and
• Is small enough to ride on his shoulder.

This ends up being enough that The Captain doesn’t spend the rest of the night bumping into things.

Hecna chooses this moment to pipe up: “What’s more fun than fear?” “Sex!”, says Dennis. That shut him up for a moment, which was a blessed relief. Hecna then soldiers on and tells us about his Funhouse, thinking he is just the shit. Yeah, yeah, buddy, tell it to the hand.

Mirror, mirror

The next corridor has 5 floating, rotating mirrors in it. It seemed obvious that they would create evil opposites, so we carefully stayed behind them, and Dennis tried to smash one with his spear. The mirror stole it. After some deliberation, we decide to enter the mirror to get it back, but we failed to specify that we were holding hands, so ended up in different places. Honestly, we weren’t trying to split the party, it just happened!

Louie finds himself in a dark room, with a cracked mirror on one wall. The cracks in the mirror spell out the words “Nothing is ever enough.” The reflections of Louie and Raymond grin maniacally at them, and they turn to see their evil counterparts ready to attack. I knew that would happen!

Meanwhile, Dennis

Dennis finds himself in a cramped room, with a mirror on one wall. On the mirror, spelled out in blood, are the words “Will you be a rising dream, or a falling star.” For no explainable reason, this is not accompanied by a picture of a kitten hanging from a tree branch. Bones and blood are strewn across the floor. 3 figures in the corner arise. Vampires!

The center vampire asks “Why can’t I smell your blood?” One of his friends says “Just because you can’t smell it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.” Dennis responds with “Hello. Look at your friend. Now back to me. Now back to your friend. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me - but if he stopped using lady-scented body wash and switched to Old Spice he could smell like he’s me.” Unfortunately this was completely lost on them because they are uncultured fools, and we had to show Ethan this.

The leader then tells Dennis that if he can pay the price, he may pass - and the price is blood. I’m sure this was supposed to be a problem, given that Dennis doesn’t have any of his own. However, and even Dennis can’t remember why, Dennis has a vial of blood in his backpack (it was written on the character sheet and everything!). He tosses it to the center vampire, saying “There you go.”

The center vampire says “You may pass”. The vampire on the left asks him “What have you got there, Tommy?”.

“Nothing, Jimmy” says the center vampire, trying to hide the vial. I tell Jimmy that Tommy is holding out on him, and Jimmy straight up snaps Tommy’s neck, and picks up the vial. Jimmy says to Billy “We’ll share it”.

Apparently Billy doesn’t believe him, and moves to attack. Initiative! Dennis wins, Jimmy is next, then Billy. Dennis stuns and drops Billy in the opening round. Tommy comes back to life, enters the initiative order just before Jimmy and takes a swing. His critical hit nearly kills Jimmy, and blinds him. Jimmy, on his turn, swings blindly but misses everything. Dennis gets another go and proceeds to Billy all over Tommy, killing him in one round. Dennis then hands the vial back to Jimmy (who had dropped it when he was sucker punched).

Dennis then offers to burn Tommy and Billy’s bodies, but Jimmy says no. Dennis ask Jimmy that if he sees a spear, to shove it through the mirror, please, and then steps through the mirror himself.

Meanwhile, Louie

Louie and Raymond face off against themselves, but they have a secret weapon - The Captain is with them, providing them with advantage. In addition, Louie’s morning-star is still coated in silver, so it does double damage against the reflections, but their morning-star only does normal damage versus Louie and Raymond.

On the other hand, Eiuol and Dnomyar are being played by Scott, so it balances out.

The battle was legendary, with smites and spells flying everywhere! Louie and Raymond do win, but Louie is down to single digit HP at the end.

Do you want to play a game?

When Dennis, Louie and Raymond step through their mirrors, they find themselves in the same room. That’s cool and all, but even better - Dennis’ spear is there, lying on the ground! “I knew Jimmy would come through for me!”

The room has a table in the middle, with three people sitting at it playing cards. The obligatory mirror has the message “Everybody wants to be a star” spelled out on it.

The game we have to play is:

• We guess what the top card of the deck is
• The dealer draws the card
• If we’re right, we may pass through
• If we’re wrong, we take 1d12 of a random damage type (we roll 1d10 to determine the type)

There are no clever tricks we can figure out to shorten our odds - we tried the magic 8 ball, and it helped, but didn’t actually pay off, and after a while stopped working. It took over 20 draws for us both to get through - at some point the damage went up to 2d12. Louie had to be healed up several times, at the end he was almost out of Lay on Hands, and Dennis was almost out of Ki. But we got out.

Hecna thinks he’s funny

The next room is a Comedy Club, and Louie and Dennis have to participate in a roast. We all write down 5 jokes, and one of us needs to win to be allowed to proceed. Our opponents are HeckHa, and HeckHaa, the Tweedledum and Tweedledee of the Revalia. So the bar was set low.

Once Ethan has all of our entries, he types them into his computer and randomizes them. This results in there being rounds where some people do not have entries, and others where they have multiple - but this was probably the best joke by HeckHa or HeckHaa all night, so we didn’t mind.

The Jokes were:

Round 1

1. Some day you’ll meet a doppelganger of yourself and be disappointed by how unfunny you are!
2. I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it in this entire revelia!
3. How did heckna/heckha become the host of the comedy club? For a guy whose jokes flop so hard, he should be running the flophouse.
4. What does a frog do with paper. Rip it. Rip it.

Round 2

1. Heckna your momma’s so ugly, clerics try to turn her!
2. Would you like me to remove the curse of a clown not being funny? Oh my mistake, you were just born that way!
3. It annoys me that people don’t donate more to help Africa. For a tiny fee we could buy mosquito netting for all the kids, and save millions of mosquitos from dying of aids every year.
4. I was so annoyed when I stole Heckna’s eye, because the next time I saw him, he still had 2. What kind of BS is that?

Round 3

1. When your god put teeth underneath that smile, he ruined a perfectly good asshole!
2. Heckna I was thinking of casting feeblemind, but I doubt it would work on you!
3. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Interrupting Cow. Interrupting Cow Moooo
4. Heckna & Sophie went camping. In the middle of the night, Sophie asked Heckna what he could tell by looking at the stars. He waxed on about stars, aliens and stuff. Why Sophie what do you see? Someone stole our tent!

Round 4

1. How does it feel that you’re a clown that is not worthy of anyone casting a decent spell on you!
2. By the gods Heckna your ugly, I bet your father regrets not pulling out when he had the chance!
3. Heckna is so ugly, he isn’t cool enough to be mistaken for a pedophile.
4. Knock knock. Who’s there? ………no one because as far as I’m aware there are no doors.

Round 5

1. Do you know Heckna, that if you were at a party surrounded by female zombies, the only thing you’d pull is a hamstring!
2. I’d insult your parents you stupid clown, but you probably don’t know who they are!
3. The guy whose eternal torment was being stuck in the tunnel of love forever? The real torture was having to hear Heckna on the speakers all day.
4. So I bet everyone trapped in the mirror rooms is relieved because they don’t have to listen to this. Heckha more like heckna, this blows.

Louie wins the night with 3 wins from 5 rounds. The party moves on.

Where are we?

The party finds itself in a square room, the walls and ceiling are almost completely covered with mirrors, and the floor is covered with red carpet. Knowing Heckna, it’s probably sticky. The message on the windows says “Do you even know who you are any more?” This sounds less creepy, and more like a cry for help from a lost little boy. But who cares?

Close

Exit the Game

Hecna (or his voice) resurfaces long enough to tell is we won “Slaadi and Modrons”. Yeah, we know. We were there.

Anyway, we reappear next to the Toymaker and Arachne’s decaying corpse. The Toymaker takes us back to his personal tent, and through his spokesman, tells us of the current state of play regarding the ChooChooCadre. We still need to retrieve:

• The chair (that Hecna stole)
• The Throttle Lever, which is supposed to be in the Fun Room.
• Some engine lubricant, which is supposed to be in Sophie’s lair.

The Toymaker thinks that because Sophie is Hecna’s right hand gal, that killing her would prompt Hecna to “invite” us into the Fun House. This is Dennis’ kind of plan.

Before we depart, the Toymaker gives us all gifts:

• The Captain gets Bigby’s Benificent Bracelet.
• Louie gets a Robe of Eyes.
• Dennis gets his Dragonhide Belt upgraded from +2 to +3.

The party then takes a long rest (finally!). During our nap, Blackrazor attempts to influence Raymond, who was eyeing off a fly for a snack. “Don’t you dare! That is mine!” Raymond is apparently smarter than Blackrazor, because he realizes that he doesn’t care if Blackrazor eats the fly’s soul - it’s body is still going to be there, and that’s all Raymond wants. This promises to be the start of a beautiful friendship. Raymond bisects the fly using Blackrazor, then eats the two halves.

Then we head out to get a comfy chair, a throttle, and a big bucket of lube.

The Floppyhouse

The party stealths through the rioting streets to the Flophouse. The Toymaker opens the door for us, and inside, it is dark, empty and heavily damaged. Dennis spots some bottles by the bar - we gather them up:

• Snowcone (Ray of Frost for 1 hour) - Raymond
• Fireball shot (Fireball) - Raymond.
• Moonshine (Moonbeam) - The Captain
• Greater Healing - The Captain.

Dirk and the Countess (the owner of the flophouse and his plasmoid floozy) pop up from behind an overturned table. He is distraught at what they have done to his bar. He tries to blackmail the party to not alert the authorities to our presence - we respond by intimidating him to keep quiet, and telling him to leave. Then killing them both as they tried to leave. We never liked those two.

A set of Malevolent Meta Dice fall out of Dirks pockets, which The Captain picks up. They can change one dice roll of each type before disappearing. We also got 300 tickets. We’re rich!

The Toymaker opens to doorway to the slide to Sophie’s lab, and the party stealths up it. So well did we stealth, that the swarm of Hecna-spiders covering the ceiling of the slide did not notice us. We are stealthy Gods!

Come on up to the Lab

We sneak out the end of the slide and get surprise on Sophie in her lab. The Captain blitzes initiative, Dennis goes second, then Louie, then Sophie (when she gets a go).

Surprise Round: The Captain shoots her, Dennis flies over (dodging some wax dolls attacks on the way) and punches Sophie 4 times, burning through 2 of her Legendary Resistances (she saved normally twice). Raymond leaps across the room and Louie has a go, but misses. Raymond then has a go and kicks arse. This is the start of a pattern.

Second Round: The Captain does not save against noxious fumes, and takes significant damage, as well as getting the poisoned condition. He decides to try something new and casts Bigby’s Hand using the Bracelet. He does big damage to Sophie with it. Sophie uses her Legendary Reaction to cast Mirror Image. Dennis punches once (image go poof) twice (image go poof), thrice - critical hit! Sophie loses two teeth and her last Legendary Resistance. Louie goes next, but Sophie uses her reaction to cast Shield and he misses. Raymond (now Hasted by Blackrazor) takes 4 swings at Sophie, but only hits once. On her turn, Sophie drinks a potion and visibly heals, and casts a spell. She looks much more confident and smug after that. Then she calls out to Pinkie to come and deal with us. Pinkie comes into the room and takes a swing at Louie, but misses.

Third Round: The Captain starts by using the Hand to wave away the noxious fumes, making the lab environment much safer. Score one for the OH&S crew! He then shoots Sophie, but the crossbow bolt ricochets away when it gets within an inch or so. Dennis has a go at punching her, but he also is thwarted by the force field surrounding Sophie. Dennis decides to use the remainder of his attacks to try and hit Pinkie, but she also has some weird defense - solid hits coming in cause the wax that is all over her body to briefly harden, blocking the attack. Louie tries to dispel the spell surrounding Sophie, but it doesn’t work. Raymond takes a swing and is also blocked, so he jumps backward and fireballs the room. The AoE covered Pinkie and Sophie, but also Dennis. If you’re not willing to shell your own position, you’re not willing to win! (Maxim 20) Dennis is, thankfully, practically immune to fireballs. The fireball does double damage to Pinkie, but that force field protects Sophie. A partially melted Pinkie has a go at Dennis but misses, and Sophie re-casts Mirror Image.

Fourth Round: The Captain uses the Hand to try and tunnel under the force field, but it completely surrounds her. Frustrated, he picks up the cauldron (with the Hand), tips it over, and drops it on top of Sophie. This was an inspired move. It prevents her from seeing us, and effectively takes her out of the fight unless she wants to drop that force field. Unfortunately, it also covers half the floor with a truly noxious liquid - minus one for the OH&S crew. Raymond is the only one that takes any damage from it, but it was bad. Around this time, we discover that if we roll badly enough to hit Pinkie, the hits get through. This causes all sorts of shenanigans to attempt to lower our to hit bonuses, and give ourselves disadvantage to hit. Dennis is useless at this - he’s just too good! Raymond gets the last hit (this is a continuation of that pattern I mentioned earlier - he is the MVP).

And see what’s on the Slab

The Captain, now invisible and hidden, has his second inspired idea of the day. He stands atop the cauldron wielding the body of Pinkie, using it as a huge drumstick to hammer out a sick beat on the cauldron. Sophie is shrieking “Stop that! Shut up!” but of course we ignore her.

Sophie telepathically summons 9 Candelabra Guards to help her. We try to con them into helping to drum, telling them Sophie needs them to help her by beating on the cauldron. Unfortunately, they don’t fall for it. Damn Telepathy. Raymond attempts to hide behind some barrels, but he’s too big.

Fifth Round: The Candelabra attack! They trigger Dennis’ held attack first, and he stuns their leader. The remainder try to variously hit Dennis, Louie and Raymond, but they can’t hit for shit and they all miss.

The Captain keeps drumming, but the Hand is drumming too, so it doesn’t give away his position as he is still invisible. The Hand does yeet one Candelabra 50’ down the corridor they came up. Dennis tosses the stunned Candelabra into the poison, but Ethan’s run of terrible rolls works in his favor here, and it takes almost no damage. Dennis hits the next Candelabra in line and paralyzes it. Louie and Raymond have an absolute Crit-Fest and kill another one. The Candelabra have not improved their aim and all miss again.

Sixth Round: The Captain finally gets a critical success on his drumming performance, and exceeds Sophies concentration to hold her force field. The cauldron drops on her head, doing minor damage. She flees!

The Captain catches up with her, but used all his actions to get there and can’t attack. He brings the Hand too, which stands in front of Sophie. Dennis then catches up, punches Sophie (mirror image go poof), then hits Sophie and stuns her. Louie and Raymond arrive and beat the crap out of her. As a boss, Sophie gets minor actions while stunned - she renews her Mirror Image.

Seventh Round: The Captain starts hitting. Once - mirror image! Twice - mirror image! The Hand shoves her 50’ back into her lab, knocking down her Candelabra like bowling pins as she flies through. Dennis follows her into the lab, stabs her with a spear (paralyzed!), then crits her until she dies. The Candelabra collapse upon the death of their master.

The last thing the party notices is a book on a shelf - “The Liches Love - A Neck-romantic Comedy” by Dr Sophie. The first chapter (“A Bone to Pick”) is complete, but that was all she wrote.

And that was all she wrote

Hiding the evidence

Before Dennis and The Captain went any further, they considered what to do about the fragile, defenseless Boobies. Rusty briefly popped out of the ship, drained Dennis a little (without him knowing) and healed him back up. Then he held onto little Boobies and Plane Shifted back into the ship.

Then Dennis and The Captain left the Modron world and reunited with their Slaadi servants, and proceeded (with Esmerelda and Slaad von Zarovitch) out to the approach to the Spawning Stone, which stood atop a stepped pyramid.

In front of the stone (about 60’ in front), at the base of the pyramid, was a tall obelisk, with Louie tied to the top (about 60’ up) and Raymond tied beneath him. At the Spawning Stone stood Ygorl, and 30’ in front of him, half way down the pyramid, were two Slaadi - one red, and one green.

The Spawning Stone was firing chaos lightning every couple of seconds to the top of Louie’s obelisk, draining Louie and empowering the Slaadi.

Rearranging the Party

The Captain was apparently exhausted from his valiant thinking in the Modron world, and chose to move to the back of the party, with the other sneaky characters we rarely see - Esmerelda and Slaad von Zarovitch. It’s getting crowded back there. He chose to spend the rest of his time providing the help action to characters in combat, resulting in a lot of advantage rolls which turned out to be very useful.

Dennis was feeling a little exposed out front, and while he briefly considered soloing Ygorl, thought that Louie might also like a go.

Initiative! Dennis came first easily, followed by the Green Slaad, then the Red Slaad, then Ygorl. Dennis shadow stepped to the top of the obelisk, and used his attacks and ki to interrupt the chaos lightning, then cut Louie free and flew down to within 10’ of the ground (the limit of his remaining movement) and dropped Louie the last 10’. Louie, now conscious, rolls initiative for himself, and comes in between the two enemy Slaadi. Dennis forgets at this point to do the actions for our companion Slaadi, and they are unceremoniously (and permanently) moved to the bottom of the initiative order.

Louie lays out his portable hole and jumps in, because he is concerned about dehydration. Also to provide a fall target for Raymond when he in untied.

Combat!

The Green Slaad starts off, and fireballs the party. Dennis, of course, contemptuously ignores him, but Louie takes some damage. The Louie has his go, but I forget what he does. The Red Slaad runs down the pyramid and engages in melee with Louie, but misses. Ygorl teleports to Dennis and hits, then misses, then hits with entropic touch. Our Slaadi get a go - Cinderblock fireballs the two enemy Slaadi (Ygorl was positioned such that we couldn’t hit him without hitting Louie), Booger hurls flame at the Red Slaad, and Bluey and Blood-Axe run into melee and hit the Red Slaad. Dennis finishes the Red one off on his go, and then throws cards at Ygorl, two of which crit. The Green Slaad casts fear, but it’s not very effective.

Ygorl gets pissed after being critted by Dennis and kills him - Power Word Kill. Dennis’ max HP are 6 HP too low to resist it. Louie tries revivify but gets counter-spelled by Ygorl. Ygorl thinks he is pretty bloody clever.

Esmerelda then revivifies Dennis (suck it Ygorl!) and Slaad von Zarovitch Power Word Heals Dennis (suck it again, Ygorl!). The Green Slaad casts confusion and Dennis fails his save. It’s Dennis’ turn! What will happen?

As the rest of the party prepares to flee, Dennis rolls - 8. He will attack a randomly selected target in range, of which there are 3 - 2 of our Slaad and Ygorl. Ygorl is 5-6 on d6 - it’s a 6! Dennis crits Ygorl. Suck it Ygorl!

Louie tries to hit Ygorl but misses. Raymond succeeds in hitting Ygorl, but Ygorl is immune to the grapple effect. The Green Slaad casts Fear on the party - nobody fails their save. Useless frog. Dennis, still confused, randomly hits a target - Ygorl. Raymond gets confused, Louie misses Ygorl. Ygorl murders his own Green Slaad to heal himself for 127HP. Coward.

Raymond, confused, attacks a random target - Ygorl - and hits. Ethan, at this point, is irritated that all the random targets are Ygorl, and insists we change his number range from 5-6 to 1-2, just in case we are using a weighted d6.

Dennis, still confused, attacks a random target. There are only 2 in range - Ygorl gets the 1-3 range, as per Ethan’s instructions. 1! Dennis crits for massive damage. Ygorl is getting irritated and hits Dennis, but Dennis redirects the damage back at Ygorl - another 20HP. Suck it, Ygorl!

Raymond randomly attacks … Ygorl, Dennis apparently casts a spell (how? what?). Louie gets the last hit, and kills Ygorl, who explodes with some sort of retributive damage, which kills Dennis - again. Fortunately his Regeneration is still running, so he bounces back.

Boobies to the rescue!

We bring out Boobies and give him Ygorl’s scythe. At this point we notice our Slaadi start acting weird. Apparently, the sight of a Modron drives them into a killing frenzy.

Dennis grabs Boobies and Shadow Steps to the Spawning Stone (60’ away). Raymond swallows Cinderblock to restrain him. Bluey & Blood-Axe, who have no ranged attacks, start running to where Boobies is, but won’t get there in time. Booger lines up a ranged attack - but Louie steps up and says “Come at me, bro!”. Compelled Duel. Nice. Booger can’t attack anyone but Louie now.

Boobies takes a swing at the Spawning Stone, which cracks, shatters, and turns into a whirlwind that sucks all the remaining Slaadi into it (Raymond quickly vomits up Cinderblock).

Ygorl is dead! The Spawning Stone is destroyed! The excess Slaadi are gone! Wins all round.

Finit

A sudden absence of Louie

The Toymaker is free, but suddenly Louie is gone, and in his place is a large, leather-wrapped scroll. The Captain and Dennis open it up, to see it is a game. Heckna pipes up to tell us it is his favorite game, called “Slaads and Modrons”. Apparently Heckna never went to school, as he wasn’t aware that the plural of Slaad is Slaadi. Dennis, as teacher’s pet, gets a scroll of Power Word Heal for that.

Dennis and The Captain jump into the board, and are confronted with a range of mismatched environmental elements, juxtaposed in illogical ways. There is:

1. An igloo in a desert.
2. A raging purple tempest.
3. Ruined medieval towns.
4. A swamp filled with rats and vermin.
5. A big fuckoff castle. That’s a quote.

Heckna says we have to find his favorite Dark Lord for all the exposition we require. Fine.

Search for a Dark Lord

Obviously Heckna’s favorite Dark Lord is Heckna, the narcissistic asswipe, but there’s nothing that obviously corresponds to the Revalia, so we go to the igloo in the desert first. Inside is a sarcophagus (BTW Heckna, the plural of sarcophagus is sacophagi, not sarcophaguses). Dennis lights a torch, and is told about the pictures of Ankh-to-pot that are revealed on the walls, but all he really wanted was something to light the mummy on fire when it came out of the sarcophagus. The Captain tears the lid off the sarcophagus, and a joke boxing glove on a spring comes out. The Captain saves, Dennis takes a hit. This knocks him down far enough that he uses his Scroll of Power Word Heal on himself.

Heckna pipes up to say something irrelevant, and we ignore him. Behind a false back to the sarcophagus are 2 scrolls: a Scroll of Heal and a Scroll of Mass Heal. The Captain uses Heal on himself, and gets a popup saying “Agree to promotional popups?”. He checks “Agree”, and the image fades away. Spoooky. Dennis takes the Mass Heal scroll.

That was the wrong door. What’s next?

We get out of fake Har’Akir, and decide to go into #5, the big fuckoff castle. We fly over the rickety bridge and see a burly guy on a cart harnessed to skeletal horses. His name is Ogriff, and he’s run out of wine. We don’t have any, but that’s a plot hook for later.

We go to the double doors, and they open by themselves. Inside are 3 female Grung, dressed in aristocratic finery. They take us to a room with a huge pipe organ, being played by a figure in black and red formal wear. He’s pretty good - he makes a pipe organ sound like a grand piano, impressive! In defiance of Ethan’s expectations of the group, we wait respectfully for the guy to finish. What kind of barbarians does he take us for?

When he finishes, the organ player turns to face us. He is a black Slaad, and introduces himself as “Slaad von Zarovitch”. He and his consorts take us to a room and present us with a feast. Dennis immediately decides to eat, and The Captain is cautious. Weird. Dennis gets the benefits of a Heroes Feast, which convinces The Captain to join in.

Exposition time!

Slaad von Zarovitch tells us of the Spawning Stone, which we can see out the window. It is, apparently, spawning Slaad and will soon unbalance the realm of Slaadi and Modrons. To destroy it, we need to strike it with the sword Blackrazor, wielded by a Modron. Blackrazor is currently in the possession of the Chaos Lord Ygorl. There is a Modron in the castle vault, if we can get in. There are Slaadi we can take as allies, if we can get their control gems, behind the slimy door.

Slaad von Zarovitch tells of the known Slaad weaknesses:

1. Clove oil - coating a weapon with it forces a CON save or they are incapacitated for a round.
2. Alcohol - coating a weapon with it forces a CON save or they take 3d6 damage.
3. Magic spores: “Nubius Mortificantus”. When applied to their skin, they must make a CON save or they are vulnerable to all damage.

Time to gather stuff

We head to the kitchen. Dennis picks up 8 vials of Clove Oil, and loads them into his spear. The Captain gets 3 bottles of Champagne du Stomp. We head out to Ogriff, and arrange to trade some Champagne for some “Noob Morto” (The Captain has a poor memory). There is some haggling, but we weren’t desperate for it, so end up getting 5 doses for one bottle of Champagne. Ogriff only agreed to 4, but The Captain stole one more while he wasn’t looking.

Then we head to the slimy door. Opposite it, there is the door to the vault.

First look at “That Code”

The vault door has 3 rows, each containing a number, and a set of squares with rotating letter wheels:

The wheels had the following letters on them. Dennis immediately assigned them numbers:

He decoded the first row as “BBMDRN”, giving 3712 two preceding zeroes so it had the same numeric value. Slaad von Zarovitch says there is a cipher in the slimy room that we will need, so we stop there.

The slimy door has an inscription on it written in Slaad. Dennis looks expectantly at Slaad von Zarovitch, who looks back. Dennis asks Slaad to translate it, please, and Slaad says “It’s your time to shine, do it yourself”. Turns out Ethan was aware of the Monk ability to speak all known languages, but not that 1) Monks didn’t get it until 13th level; 2) One DnD Monks don’t get it at all; and 3) It only works on spoken languages, not written ones.

Slaad von Zarovitch consents to translate for us.

It says “Only those who understand chaos may enter”. Dennis looks at the door, with no handle, and says that’s a Health and Safety issue right there. The Captain licks it. The door opens.

Still a H&S issue. You don’t want to be licking doors if there is a fire, you’ll burn your tongue.

The Captain is Confusing

Inside the room is a mess of chaos. We are explicitly warned that shit will get weird in here. Ambush! Dennis and The Captain are surprised! We are attacked by a Green Slaad (who casts a fireball), and a Blue Slaad, a Red Slaad and a Grey Slaad. Except for the Green one, they all run in to melee. Dennis and the Captain are basically fireball immune, but the Grey Slaad does manage to hit Dennis with some effect that isn’t immediately clear. It also bit The Captain, but he made his save. The Grey Slaad also casts Mirror Image on itself on the run in.

Dennis shadow jumps behind the Green Slaad (with the help of Slaad von Zarovitch, who casts darkness behind the Green Slaad as a shadow portal target). He tries to stab him with his spear, but it suffers from erectile dysfunction both times and misses. Dennis retreats back into the shadows, deliberately prompting an opportunity attack so he can redirect it, but the stupid Slaad misses.

The Captain casts Confusion from his Ring of Spell Storing, which works awesomely. All the Slaadi in range fail their WIS save (the Green one is too far away, unfortunately). They spend the rest of combat being useless.

The Green Slaad fires at The Captain, but misses. Dennis steps back out of the Darkness and hits the Green Slaad with his spear, which has recovered. That had never happened before, honestly! The Green Slaad now has a gem sticking out of its head, which Dennis grabs with a Medicine check. He is now under our control, and we rename him Booger.

Over in the Slaadi cluster, the Red Slaad already has the gem showing because of the Confusion, and Dennis and The Captain go back over there. The Red and Blue Slaad both take out a Grey Slaad mirror image with random attacks, Dennis manages to get the gem out of the Red Slaad (who is renamed Blood-Axe), and The Captain manages to get the gem from the Blue Slaad, which he names Blue Slaad. I think he revised that to Bluey later on.

The Grey Slaad is the last one standing, but Dennis gets the gem from him and gives it to The Captain. We name him Cinderblock.

None of the Slaadi managed to save against The Captain’s confusion, except Blood-Axe, who immediately after being taken over by Dennis saved by rolling two simultaneous natural twenties. I just want that on the record.

The Eyes have it.

At the far end of the chamber is a massive eyeball. The Captain goes up to it, and is affected by a big hit of necrotic damage. Dennis doesn’t take kindly to that and pummels the eye with throwing cards. The eye doesn’t take kindly to that and hammers us with some massive AoE that for some reason is CON based instead of DEX. That’s not fair. Anyway, Dennis is down to about 10HP and blind, and The Captain is on death saves. Dennis unblinds and heals himself a bit with Hand of Heal, then flies up to The Captain, picks up his body and flies away. The Eyeball fires 10 globs of sleep at us, all aimed at The Captain. Don’t know what he did to be targeted like that, but in this chaotic world, Damage Redirection works different, and Dennis flies into action. He deflects every single one. Then runs away, and Hand of Heals The Captain back to life.

The Captain drinks a potion to heal. Slaad von Zarovitch casts Heal on Dennis. Dennis takes another look at the Eye, which has gone back to sleep, and sees that the blood vessels on the Eye make up words and numbers. It’s a C-Eye-pher! We write down what we can to the best of our ability, but some of the cipher has been ruined by the throwing cards. Regardless, it is sufficient that it is obvious that Dennis’ original guess was 100% correct, so we have the whole thing.

Second shot at “That Code”

Heading back, we translate the numbers into “words”:

Obviously the words are “Modron”, “Mechanus” and “Heckna”, but how to encode them in the wheels, which have no vowels? How, Ethan, how?

Much time was spent, replacing letters with similar things to simulate vowels. “B” was popular for “O”, because it’s number was “0”. “M” got used for “E”, because it looks a bit like one on its side, and it’s number was “3”. We tried “G” for “A”, because it’s number was “4” which looks a bit like an A, but we were stretching at this point. Trying to find something to represent “U” was a total crap shoot. I think we went with “C”, because it’s a bit like a “U” on it’s side. None of it worked, until suddenly it did. It’s a *mystery* why that happened. Nobody has *any idea*.

We are cryptographic GODS

So, we got into the vault. It is a moving mechanical modron world. We have to get to the far end through all the moving parts to reach our Modron. First, we tell our Slaadi to wait here - no point getting them crushed in any gears. Dennis picks up The Captain to fly over the problems, but is told in no uncertain terms to knock that shit off. Back to ground, then.

Dennis spends a round watching closely - this is the world of Mechanus, it should be predictable. He is told, and I quote, “there is no pattern”. WTF?

Every 30’ of movement, we have to roll a dice to get evens or odds. One results in a STR save or conveyer belts move you a random distance back. The other results in a DEX save or you are damaged by steam venting. The correspondence of odd/even appears to shift, though. Not very predictable. Anyway.

Dennis gets far enough along to see what the Modron is doing a little before The Captain, and it turns out he is repairing a Marut. The Marut turns and challenges Dennis, saying he is not authorized. Dennis says he is authorized, and a keyboard pops out of the wall next to him. A voice says “Enter Credentials”, so Dennis does. Turns out they actually wanted a password, which was unclear, and “credentials” wasn’t right. The Marut gets upset. Dennis retreats out of line of sight.

The Captain is catching up, and he has a go at entering some credentials too. It is at this point that Ethan figures maybe he better actually think of what the password would be. Thanks, Ethan. So he does, and the brain game is on. The Marut is advancing while we figure out from context clues what the password would be. We tried a few variations of Primus and prime numbers, and got a clue that the Primus idea was on the right track. The real clue came when The Captain entered “10” at the same time as Dennis punched the Marut in the brass nuts, and the display briefly showed the letter “J”.

Now it’s obvious that the cipher is a simple numeric Caesar cipher with an offset of zero, and The Captain figures the word is probably “MECHANUS”, so a quick 135381142119 later and the system goes into standby mode. At this point Dennis is down to 14HP (from 109), and was only alive because he redirected a solid portion of one of the Marut’s auto-hit 30HP strikes. The Captain didn’t even see the Marut, I don’t think.

End scene

Anyway, we pick up the Modron, and head out. The Modron is unit 8008135, to Dan’s delight.

By this point it’s 23:35, and it’s now that Ethan reveals that he repurposed the cipher from a different game, and completely didn’t realize that we had no way to stick vowels in. Thanks, Ethan!

Arachne is a ponce

Arachne is horrified at the appearance of Louie and Dennis, but recovers quickly. He once again spouts some nonsense that the party ignores, and combat is entered! Arachne wins initiative, then it’s Dennis, The Captain and Louie. There are a bunch of Werespiders in the webs, but they’re all going on Arachne’s initiative.

Arachne starts by doing his Aerial Ponce, to much hilarity. It does a bit of damage to Louie, but Dennis don’t fail no Dex. Dennis responds by stabbing him with a spear, at which point we discover he is immune to poison. Damn. Dennis tries for the punch, but some coward in the shadows casts Shield on Arachne, and there wasn’t going to be any more hitting this round. Dennis shadow jumps up the corridor.

The Captain starts running up the webs, but he’s got 150’ to cover, so he doesn’t make it this round. He does press the button, activating Oriana’s army, which proves to be useful. Some minion whispers something to Arachne, and the vast majority of his minions run away to confront the army.

Louie uses Dispel Magic to dispel his hopelessness. In response, Arachne bites him, but he doesn’t get blinded. Arachne is immune to poison, so Louie’s retaliatory poison doesn’t take effect. Arachne then runs away like a little girl, and hides in the webs.

Dennis makes his perception check and punches the wall, hitting Arachne on the other side. Stun lands! Dennis then proceeds to punch the living crap out of Arachne. He does a crit and draws the Seer card, which isn’t on Ethan’s table of crits. So we all roll a d20, and we get those rolls as Divination rolls (18, 11 & 6).

The Captain slips past the descending Werespiders and makes it into the cocoon. The team is back together! Louie closes the distance to Arachne, but doesn’t get to hit him this round.

Arachne is a coward

Because he can’t handle our awesomeness unassisted, Arachne’s helpers in the webs start doing more. That shithead from the shadows (Arachne calls her “Black Widow”) unstuns Arachne. Arachne bites Dennis and flees again. This is becoming a pattern. Someone (We decide to call her “Green Widow”) casts Plant Growth on the chamber, severely limiting our movement. Dennis makes another awesome perception check, and finds Arachne’s hiding place again. He punches him in the butt 3 times, but Arachne makes his save vs stun every time (he has advantage on the save now). Arachne is bloodied.

The Captain spots Green Widow’s hiding place and sneak attacks her. Ironic! Louie looks where Dennis has been bashing away, comes up and BIG CRITs Arachne, who - runs away! Consistency is a virtue, apparently. This time he runs all the way away, one level of the track up, and activates a lair trap. Spikes start coming out of the floor.

Dennis takes a bit of damage from the floor as it activates, but then starts flying. He looks to where The Captain was hitting, and throws some cards at Green Widow. Green Widow dies, unnoticed and unmourned, like the nameless mook she was. Unfortunately her Plant Growth spell wasn’t concentration, so it turns out to have a longer life than its caster. Dennis shadow steps to to the end of the trapped and plant growthed area.

The Captain and Louie slowly make their way along the corridor. Louie falls to the floor at one point and dies, but regeneration brings him back, in the first of many cases. Dennis runs ahead to where Arachne waits with Black Widow. Arachne, predictably, summons 2 more mooks (monk mooks!) to fight for him and runs away again. Learn a new song, asshole!

It turns out that playing a monk is trickier than Ethan thought. Dennis gets into a fight with them, and through judicious use of damage redirection (it does more damage than the original attack?) and shadow step, manages to kill one on his own. Esmerelda appears from nowhere again (she’s pretty good at that) and dispels the plant growth, speeding up The Captain and Louie.

The other two (including Black Widow) happened to be near the end of the trapped corridor when The Captain and Louie make it out. They’re cleverly holding their action to attack when someone comes in range - they’ve been chasing down Dennis for a while now. Dennis responds by holding range and throwing cards at them. Fun fact I didn’t know - if you use your reaction, you lose your held action. So free hits without damage redirection for Dennis! Monk 3 suffers for holding his action.

The Captain stealths up to Black Widow and hits hard, but gets stunned by the held action. Louie runs into the centre and glares at them (he used all his action just to get there). Monk 3 uses that hard earned readied action and misses. Black Widow then hits Louie, and stuns him, but dies from the retaliatory poison. What a loser!

Dennis shadow jumps in and kills Monk 3 for the crime of being a bad monk. The party regroups, and heads up the stairs.

Arachne is out of minions

Half way along the upstairs corridor, Arachne decides to channel his inner Indiana Jones and sends a giant skull rolling down the corridor. The Captain and Louie dive to the corners and make their saves. Dennis shadow jumps past it as it approaches. Arachne then tries to gloat, having apparently missed the fact that he missed. He does that.

A little further along, Arachne sends that rolling skull again. This time, Louie takes a little damage. The Captain makes it to the end of the corridor and stealths outside. Dennis remains in the exit and looks around for something to hit. When Louie gets there, they decide that charging flat out worked so well last time, they’re going to do it again!

Dennis and Louie take to the skies, flying directly toward to top of the Big Top. They guessed correctly, because they immediately come under fire, and glimpse an invisible sphere of force ripple as the attack comes out. The attack missed, by the way. Louie tries Moonbeaming it, but it doesn’t do anything. Dennis, who has seen Rusty cast Leomund’s Tiny Hut, posits that it might be something like that, and advises Louie to try Dispel Magic.

Louie gives it a go, but a hand emerges and Counterspells. Dennis hits that hand, but doesn’t land the stun.

Where Dennis has a PTSD episode

The hand in the sphere now globs Louie. Dennis decides to cut him out, with the most appropriate item he has - his +1 non-magical silver dagger that Rusty made for him, all that time ago in Mordent.

+1 silver non-magical dagger…

Silver dagger…

GOD DAMN IT! Flashbacks to Lumiere, who could only be harmed by silver weapons, and the fruitless search for anything silver to hit him with.

Ethan and Zoe laughed and laughed. Dan had to leave the table for a lie down. Scott barely restrained himself from repeatedly head-butting Ethan’s table, but only because he was afraid the table might break.

Arachne is out of places to hide

Anyway, Dennis cuts Louie out of the webbing with his +1 non-magical silver dagger, and they execute their plan - Dennis tries to use the Heal scroll on Louie, knowing that Arachne would counterspell it. That sucked up his counterspell. Louie immediately tried Dispel Magic again, knowing Arachne couldn’t counterspell. But he failed the roll. Three times.

The Captain, however, fired his readied action on Arachne’s hand, and did enough damage to force a concentration check - which Arachne failed! Nowhere to hide now, is there?

Dennis punches the living crap out of Arachne, Arachne’s reaction also does big damage back. The Captain crits for 62 HP! Louie misses twice, but uses the 18 from the Seer crit from earlier to hit, and then releases Holy Weapon to do 46 HP.

Arachne runs away - again.

Arachne goes invisible. Dennis starts running around with his arms out at full speed, trying to locate Arachne for the others, but he doesn’t find him. It was a good plan, dammit! Everyone laughed. The Captain decides to have a swing at where Arachne was previously - and hits. Louie has a go too, but misses.

With only one place left to run away to, and completely out of minions, Arachne decides to take a friend with him. He tackles Louie off the big top and plummets to earth, doing 113 HP to Louie. The is just not enough to insta-kill Louie, which disappoints Ethan greatly, so Arachne then bites Louie while he’s down, “killing Louie”, according to Ethan. “Why does that kill him?”, asks Zoe. “Because he was already on death saves when he fell, the fall did 2 death save fails automatically, and the bite did another - you’re dead!”

“Louie wasn’t on death saves when he fell”, replies Zoe. “So the fall knocked him to 0HP, and Arachne’s bite did 2 death save fails - he’s still got one left”. Ethan’s disappointment was palpable.

Dennis makes a perception check to figure out that Arachne went with Louie (Arachne is still invisible) and he grabs The Captain and flies down there. Dennis used all his movement to get there, so it’s up to The Captain! The Captain draws a card from the Deck of Tarokka, and it’s - Barkskin! Which is of no use to anyone, but none the less causes much discussion of rules.

It’s Louie’s turn. He’s 2 death saves down, but Regeneration is still running - 1 HP, baby! He stands up, hits Arachne with his Morningstar for 19HP, and kills him! The crit (The Thief) causes something to fall out of Arachne’s pockets, so there was much time spent finding out what he has in his filthy pocketses, and it turns out to be a Web Silk Cloak, which gives advantage on stealth in a web based environment.

Louie takes Arachne’s necklace with a cylindrical charm on it. Dennis cuts some goop out of his corpse which will allow him to infect one person with Wolf-Were-Spider-Arachno-Lycanthropy.

With time to think, finally, we wonder what we were actually there for. Once we remember, Dennis and Louie go flying back to the maze to look for the Toymaker. The Captain has a think about the last place he was seen, and remembers his cylindrical prison. Very similar in shape to the cylinder on that necklace, in fact. As he applies his will to releasing the Toymaker from that prison, the cylinder on the necklace enlarges and releases the Toymaker. Which was very weird for Louie, who was carrying the necklace, and about 300 feet away.

End scene - it was late

‘Were’ is the Toymaker

The party travels incognito from the alley full of dead Werespiders, to the Toymaker’s house, only to find that the Toymaker has been kidnapped! Stefano brings us up to speed, and offers the use of an army of awakened Marionettes to help our fight. Oriana has found her people! She takes charge of them, while the party is tasked with going into the Big Top. Esmerelda makes 5 spell scrolls of slottage for Louie. Technically they’re poisonous to the touch, but we’re going to gloss over that, for reasons that will become clear later.

When we arrive at the Big Top, there are no guards to be seen, but there is a pervasive feeling of being watched. Dennis is sure there are Werespiders inside, but we can’t pinpoint them. The Captain searches for a side entrance, but there’s nothing. We’re going to conveniently overlook that it’s a tent, and we could cut our way in.

We sneak inside, and it’s only when The Captain fails a strength check and bumps into an invisible werespider that it becomes apparent that the place is filled with them - but they gesture us inside. The Werespider leader, Arachne, is babbling some nonsense that we ignore, because there’s a portal in the center of the main ring, which is obviously the next stop on the railroad. We jump through.

Lumiere has plot armour

Emerging from the other side of the portal, we find ourselves still in the Big Top, but this one is clean and spiderweb-free. In the center of the ring is a mutant candelabra/Flesh Golem that is immune to every type of damage (even resistant to force damage) except for the “special” damage done as a side effect - like sneak attack damage, or divine smite damage.

Arachne talks some more (that guy will not shut up) before Lumiere attacks. As noted above, none of our primary attacks work, nor does stunning or poison. We burn a lot of resources doing enough damage to drop him. Raymond, for some reason, repeatedly bites the floor. The Captain does consistent damage - he doesn’t run out of sneak attacks. During the fight we discover that silvered weapons damage Lumiere normally, and Dennis finds that the seat brackets are silver, so he collects two. Louie then deals the final blow before Dennis can get back to the fight.

Lumiere drops 2 candles that basically cast Heal. The Captain accidentally wastes the first one.

The party collects the rest of the silver brackets - we get a total of 15, I think.

Ethan saw Dune 2

The Big Top fades away, and we find ourselves in a desert. 300 feet away is a Rock. We are told by Arachne, who still will not shut up, that we must reach it in 30 seconds. Dennis can make that distance in 2 rounds, so he has time to carry one person to the rock, come back and then carry another there in the time limit. The problem is Raymond, who is too big for Dennis to carry.

That problem solves itself, because the other players want agency for some reason. When Dennis reaches his full travel distance carrying The Captain, he puts him down and The Captain carries Dennis for his move. Unfortunately The Captain can’t fly, and the ground turns out to be sown with landmines. In addition, there’s something on the Rock that we can’t see, that is making ranged attacks against us. Dennis dodges, but The Captain is hurt.

Louie decides to climb on Raymond and start making his way across the sand. Raymond dies in the ensuing explosion. Nooo! Louie doesn’t die, but does manage to shield surf the next landmine - sideways, making the distance he has to go further, but moving him outside the minefield.

Next turn, Dennis gets The Captain to the Rock, and heads back for Louie. On the Rock, the invisible assailant kills The Captain, and then has a go at Dennis. Dennis wasn’t having any of that - he catches the incoming missile and throws it back, doing pretty good damage to an invisible opponent. Meanwhile, The Captain (whose body was serving as a crossbow support) manages to light the second candle, and unbeknownst to the invisible assailant, is now well and truly back in the game. He sneak attacks the guy and kills him.

Dennis doesn’t even make it to Louie before Louie is eaten by a sandworm. This is when the poisonousness of the scrolls comes into play. Dan points out to Ethan that the worm should be taking poison damage from all 5 of the scrolls, and there is much shouting and hilarity. We decide not to do that, which is fortuitous. The Sandworm then one-shots Dennis out of the sky with his tail, but Dennis rolls a natural 20 on his death save to survive. The Sandworm eats him. Now Dennis is also touching the scrolls. That could have been very bad.

Inside the Sandworm, Louie has already been doing damage, and had forced one regurgitation save on the worm, but it made it. Dennis arrives, 2 death saves down by now, and Louie is faced with a choice - heal himself, and have another go at the worm, but Dennis would auto-fail his last death save when the worms acid damage hits. Or heal Dennis, knowing Louie would die on the next acid attack, in the hope that Dennis could get them out.

Louie chooses to trust in his party

Louie heals Dennis for enough to survive the coming acid damage. The acid hits, Dennis lives, then he bites the hell out of the inside of the worm, doing enough damage to force another regurgitation save and healing himself at the same time. Dennis and Louie are vomited out, underground. Dennis is OK, but Louie is counting the rounds until he suffocates. They proceed to dig themselves out.

Once clear of the sand, Dennis picks up Louie and flies - high - to the Rock. Arachne says something stupid, Louie and Dennis do something stupid, The Captain drops Hide for long enough to wave so we know he’s alive, and then the portal opens for us to go back through. We’re pretty banged up at this point, so Dennis uses the scroll of Heal on himself, and Louie uses the scroll of Regeneration.

We step through the portal.

Running the Gauntlet

The party finds itself on a trapeze platform, high above the ground but surrounded by webs. 150 feet above us is Arachne and a cocoon. He says something else stupid - we weren’t paying attention - and runs and hides like a scared little girl. Dennis reckons he can do 150’ no problem, and starts off.

Every 10 feet, he has to make a save. He makes it to 30’ up before failing, and falling asleep - but getting stuck to the webs, so he doesn’t fall. It turns out, there is a Symbol spell every 10 feet. The rest of the party uses ranged attacks on the cocoon, but they aren’t effective. Then the little spiders come out of the web and start biting us. This wakes Dennis up.

The party spends a round squashing spiders, and while that’s fun, it isn’t doing much. They keep coming. Louie decides it is time for decisive action.

Louie jumps upward 25’ to within reach of Dennis, grabs hold and says “Gun it!” Dennis starts going up. A new save every 10 feet, but now Dennis has Louie and his aura helping. 70 feet up, Ethan is flabbergasted we haven’t failed anything yet. 90 feet up, Louie fails one and is struck with Hopelessless. Zoe asks Ethan “Does this prevent me from making more saves?” Ethan says no, and Louie says to Dennis “Keep Going!”

The dynamic duo do keep going, all the way to the top with no more failed saves, to Ethan’s absolute disgust, and Archne’s total disbelief. We break into the cocoon before he’s had a chance to do anything except look at us in horror.

Exit stage left, pursued by bears

Where the party purchases a Lawn Ornament

As the party leaves the collapsing Tunnel of Love, we spot a mechanical monkey. He was obviously suspicious, so we followed him. Turns out, he was just leading us back to the Toymaker.

In the Toymaker’s tent, we meet a garden gnome, painted blue, posing in such a way as for people to throw rings over its head. As we arrive, it moves, and turns out to have a pretty foul mouth on it, too. It complains to the Toymaker about working conditions and how it is taking a break - it could obviously do with some help from a professional work and safety crew. The gnome’s name is Tilly, and it practically begs us to let it come with us. Sigh. OK.

The Toymaker explains to us, through his interpreter, that we next need to get the Icky Bit. The Icky Bit is with the Myrmidon in the Naughty Corner, which is underneath some trap doors in the Food Court. That’s all we needed to know, so off we went. As we were leaving, Esmerelda (where did she come from?) hands over some scrolls that she had finished making: Haste, Heal, Greater Restoration, and Death Ward.

Return of The Monkey

We go to the Food Court, and straight to the Snow Cone house, because we hate that guy. He’s asleep with his monkey (pervert), so we quietly raid his shop. Louie makes some snow cones that allow Raymond to breathe ice. Dennis steals the liquid out of the “Boot of Hecna”, which gives him advantage on saving throws and ability checks until his next long rest. I think Ethan forgot he doesn’t need to sleep. The Captain moves boxes in the storeroom, looking for a trapdoor, and Tilly “helps” him, but doesn’t do it very well, so it only slows him down a bit.

Once he finished making snow cones, Louie helps The Captain, and the boxes get moved. Revealed is a trap door in the floor, locked. For a little while, anyway. The party heads down the trapdoor, Tilly bringing up the rear. Just as she is about to descend, the Monkey appears! Tilly gestures toward it to be quiet, but massively fails the persuasion check. Just as it was about to bang its cymbals together, Tilly panics and casts Dispel Magic. It works! The Monkey is - at least temporarily - disabled.

At the bottom of the ladder is a passageway, leading to a door with 3 Hecna masks on it, each with a different expression: happy, sad, and neutral. The Captain touched the happy one, and it asked “How many months have 28 days?” Without missing a beat, The Captain replies “All of them!” The mask fades away.

Tilly touches the neutral face, and it asks “What is blue and smells like red paint?” “Blue Paint!”. The mask fades away.

Louie touches the last mask, and it asks “What sounds like a sneeze, but is made of leather?” “A shoe!” (Louie totally got that one on his own, with no prompting from anyone). The last mask fades away, and the door unlocks. Dennis pushes the door open and reveals a 100’ long corridor. There is a cord across the corridor, 30’ in and 2’ above the floor. There is a limbo bar across the corridor, 60’ in and 2’ above the floor. There are mountain climbing handholds all along the walls.

Never split the party

They do say never split the party. Does this count? Tilly (who turns out to be a druid!) Wildshaped into a giant ice spider or something, and crawls along the ceiling of the corridor. Dennis, being lazy, flies down the middle. Louie and Raymond climb along the climbing holds on the wall, which led to the discovery that Ethan wasn’t aware that frogs had thumbs. The Captain brooks none of this nonsense, and walks straight ahead, limboing under the rope and bar - 2’ isn’t hard when you’re only around 3’ tall.

It was while limboing under the bar that The Captain put his foot into the floor trap, which closed a guillotine blade on his foot, chopping off part of his ankle. He took 34HP of damage, and his movement rate was significantly reduced for 6 minutes.

Now we can’t move - fight!

At the end of the corridor is a giant storage room with a ball pit in the middle. There is a glass ceiling, through which we can see the Food Court above us. There is a small child in the centre of the ball pit, crying and wailing for help. The party, being the kind hearted heroes that we are, were instantly suspicious.

Tilly the Spider webs the kid and tries to pull him out. Something has hold of the kid, and pulls back. Tilly is being pulled in - The Captain and Louie (who have strongth) Help Tilly to pull back, while Dennis (who has knife) stands by to cut bait if it looks like Tilly will get pulled in. For a moment, the party is winning the tug-of-war, and we see a grey, scaly thing holding on to the child - but then the web snaps! (very convenient, I must say)

The Captain responds by shooting one of the balls in the pit, which breaks and starts leaking goo. Ewwww. The Thing In The Pit responds by spraying the entire area with acid. The Captain had already retreated outside the AoE, Louie saves with a Nat 20 and avoids all damage, Dennis has Evasion (did you know that, Ethan?) and doesn’t fail DEX saves. Sorry Tilly. Dennis, remembering the last combat he was in with the Vampires, agonizes over going the ranged option again, but does anyway, and does a bucket of damage to the balls in the pit. Tilly the Spider tried to bite the balls, which turned out to be a mistake - something grabs her and tries to pull her in, but she resists! Immediately, the Thing in the Pit hits her back, and does pull her in. She disappears into the ball pit, where she is disoriented and blinded.

Then the Thing in the Pit (it’s the Myrmidon, OK?) attacks Louie, does lots of damage but doesn’t grapple him, and takes damage from his poison. Louie responds by casting Moonbeam on the centre of the pit, and Raymond bites some balls. The Myrmidon then hits Louie for big damage, and follows up by hitting Tilly for big damage. Tilly flees the pit, somehow, heals herself, and is then stealth healed by a potion crossbow bolt from the shadows, fired by Esmerelda (seriously, where is she coming from?) The Captain Mind Blasts the pit for 9 psychic damage.

The Myrmidon then has a go at Dennis, doing 45 HP (Dennis redirects 25), but it pisses Dennis off and sends him into a blood rage. He flies to the centre of the pit and dive bombs, hoping to find the Myrmidon, and he does! He bites the Myrmidon, rolls a crit, spends a Ki point to do Hand of Harm, and deals out 45 HP to the Myrmidon, simultaneously healing himself for the same amount. Tilly drops Wildshape so she can summon a Giant Constrictor, which then has a go at the Myrmidon and does a Crit squeezing it. Nice! Tilly then Wildshapes into a Giant Scorpion and stings the Myrmidon to death.

Esmerelda bolt-heals everyone in the party (except Tilly, who catches the bolt for later use). Where the hell is she coming from!?

Pillage, THEN burn.

Through the skylight, we hear Hecna scream and see the sky change to blood-red, and there is a general wailing and gnashing of teeth. From the people in the Revalia - the party wasn’t overly concerned. We wanted LOOT!

We spent an hour searching the place for the good stuff. In addition the the Icky Bit (which was disguised as the child decoy all along!), we gathered:

• 500 GP
• An exotic insect that will allow Dennis to (once only) bypass immunity to Paralysis for his poisons
• An enchanted Sandstone, which can be used to cast Shield 3 times.
• Silk threads worth 1000 GP
• Bottled Sands of Time, which can be used like Portent, 3 times. The rolls are 7, 8 and 16.
• 235 Red Tickets
• Barding and false teeth for Raymond. AC 15, +8 to hit, 3d6 Piercing damage. Raises Raymonds hit points to 54. If Raymond dies wearing it, it will return with him when he is re-summoned

Gnomes… gnomes everywhere!

Dennis is first to exit the tunnel and the first thing he sees is that damn Monkey! He didn’t know it was disabled, so he threw it down the pit, where The Captain hit it like a baseball into the wall of the tunnel. Hopefully that damn thing is dead for good. In the corner, Dennis spots the Snowcone guy, sleepwalking. The party sneaks past without waking him.

As we exit his shop, we see Billy the Gnome (who looks exactly like Tilly, but with a luxurious beard) being dragged away by a monstrous clown. When we find him in the alley, he was bleeding out to make a dramatic inspiration to get us angry. What it actually did was cause a race to see which one of the party healers (3 of 4) could heal him the fastest. Crisis averted.

Then we were attacked by Werespider acrobats. To be precise, Wolf Werespider acrobats. This will become important later.

The combat was long and grueling, and the party started to run out of time (we had a curfew of 01:00), so I’ll summarize:

Dennis ran around like a lunatic paralyzing and stunning things. The rest of the party decided that concentrating fire wasn’t for them, and each went after different targets, often ones that Dennis hadn’t got to, so no advantage to hit or automatic criticals for them! At the point in time when we killed the first Werespider, it respawned into 4 more (told you the Wolf Spider thing would be important). Billy was being all bardic, but I didn’t see him try to seduce any of the spiders, so he wasn’t very good at it. Raymond was swallowing spiders as fast as he could, but there were just too many! Tilly cast Wall of Fire around the group, which turned out to be awesome, because if the spiders died because they were thrown into the flames, they didn’t spawn any children. Fucking Gnomes kept appearing until they out-numbered the party. Esmerelda (where did she fcking come from?*) throws a grenade into the centre of the group with the cryptic instruction “Cast what you can into it an RUN!”. We cast what we could, but then it didn’t seem to do anything, so we just beat the rest of the spiders to death.

Dennis and Tilly had both been infected by Werespider lycanthropy during the fight, and it was mildly useful, but we healed ourselves of it afterward anyway. Tilly took her Clan of Clones to go and do Instagram model things, or something. I’m sure that’s the last we’ve seen of them!

Finite

Big people are stupid

The party proceeds to the Carpe Collossus, which turns out to be a giant in a box, with one arm poking out. We all go to ride, The Captain first, then Louie, then Dennis would have gone.

Unfortunately, the moment Louie touches the giants hand, it fails its CON check vs poison and immediately starts screaming and thrashing its hand around. The Captain and Louie both pass their STR checks, for now.

The Captain takes advantage of the confusion to run up the giants arm and crawls into the box. In there, he sees that the giant is standing on a stick that looks suspiciously like what we were sent to retrieve. He attempts to retrieve it, fails, hides behind the giants own foot (which works!), then tries again, succeeds, and flees the box while the giant wails “My toy!”. The Captain takes mercy on him and tosses him one one of his old rapiers. “New toy!”

While this was happening, Louie finally failed his STR checks and was thrown into the air, to be recovered by Dennis holding a spear for Louie to grab. The Captain took advantage of this excitement to exit the box unseen, hiding the stick in his pants. We returned to the train station and delivered the stick to Watt.

Where we crush the carnivale

Watt informs us that the next component needed to reconstruct the train is Hecna’s eye. We were all excited to do some organ removal, but Watt told us that it was actually an artifact at the center of the Ferris wheel. Apparently it made the wheel go round, provided power to a fair chuck of the Revalia, and also gave Hecna his ability to see out of all the posters.

We went to the Ferris wheel, and Raymond and Dennis go for a ride. When he’s far enough up that nobody from the ground can see him, he turns invisible, flies to the center, and tries to lever the eye out - but it will take 100 points of damage, and it’s going slow. Dennis goes back to the car before the end of his turn, at which point he becomes visible. Rinse, repeat.

At this point, the ride operator gets worried about the sounds emanating from the ride and goes up to check. He starts repairing it, which isn’t fair. So the party starts a crowd chant - “Let it fall! Let it fall!” After enough persuasion, the operator gets on board for this plan and breaks it himself.

Three things happen simultaneously - Raymond jumps clear, Hecna’s eye falls to the ground (crushing one clown), and the wheel started to roll away, vigorously helped by Dennis. While everyone is watching the wheel crushing random revellers and rides, The Captain and Louie shove Hecna’s eye (which is pretty big - 8 feet across) into Louie’s portable hole.

Once again, back to the station to deliver it to Watt.

First combat goes well

Watt tells us the next thing we need is Cicero’s chair. It is in the Tunnel of Love. Off we go. We climb into a swan boat and start up our theme song.

In the first chamber, we start to hear the singing of 3 Soloists (cheapskate wannabe ugly-ass Sirens). Louie fails his CHA save (how?) and is beguiled by one, who then pushes his head under the water. We still have no idea what the stupid thing was trying to achieve, pushing an amphibious frog’s head under water, but these guys were apparently taking a dump when brains were handed out.

Dennis goes next, and stabs the one holding Louie first, paralyzing it. Then he moves to the next one, same result. Two down. Dennis moves to the next one - misses. Bugger. Dennis ends his turn standing in front of the only moving enemy. The Captain then decides to show off, and hits the Soloist in front of Dennis with an arrow, I think, doing 67 points of damage, and launching it 10 feet into the air. It promptly falls back to the floor, taking another 6 points of falling damage. Raymond got into the act too, but the stupid thing was still - just - alive.

Louie swam across the stream to attack the Soloist that wasn’t his friend, and kills it in 2 hits. Dennis is starting to get annoyed by the Paladin and Rogue who can do astronomical damage to the opponents that he has helpfully paralyzed for them, allowing them automatic crits.

The active Soloist attempts to Polymorph us, but we made our saves, so he wasted that turn. Dennis paralyzes it, The Captain kills it, Louie makes his CHA save, and turns around and kills his “friend”. Combat over. That went pretty well.

Second combat, less so

Moving in to the next chamber, we see 2 vampires having a romantic dinner by the side of the stream. Dennis wins initiative, and thinks he’ll try ranged combat for a change. Won’t make that mistake again. He rolled a 1 both times for how many cards he could throw, and did negligible damage to one of the vampires. The male, a warrior, jumped across to the boat and immediately paralyzed Dennis. He then proceeded to whale on Raymond, completely missing the fact that Louie was in the boat too.

While this is going on, The Captain jumps ashore and starts hitting the female, a Sorcerer. He’s doing pretty good damage, but she’s regenerating like crazy, and he’s making slow headway. During this, she summons some swarms of bats, which are annoying.

Raymond goes down, and vanishes back to his home plane. A partially digested, dead, halfling clown with a dagger in his neck falls out, and we all wonder where that came from. At this point, Louie goes off. He starts beating the ever loving crap out of the warrior, with stacks of nice radiant smiting damage that prevents him from regenerating. That fool goes down pretty fast.

Dennis gets unparalyzed by Louie, jumps over to the Sorcerer to hit her, and she uses her reaction to paralyze him before he can get a shot off. She fires off a Mirror Image, so The Captain is sometimes doing damage, sometimes popping images. Just as Dennis gets unparalyzed again, she turns invisible and we can’t find her. She casts Blight on The Captain from hiding, the coward. We spend the time unparalyzing The Captain (when did that happen?) and killing bats.

After some soul-searching (impressive, as vampires don’t have souls, do they?), the Sorcerer decides to drop Concentration on Greater Invisibility to cast Slow on the party. Would have been good if we didn’t all make our saves. Louie had the next turn, and went over to the boat (where she was) and hit her - except for Silvery Barbs. He tried 3 times, and missed every time. But the 4th time worked - natural 20! Boom!

There was some cleaning up of bats after that, but it was a bit anti-climactic, to be honest. :)

Punished for being careful

The party was a bit worse for wear after that, and elected to take a short rest to regain HP. One hour later, we proceeded downstream.

We find Cicero strangling a boat, for some reason, while whining like a big whinger about something stupid that I should have remembered - apparently there are 2 characters that need to die before Hecna is mortal or some rubbish. Anyway, he sees us and says “So, you are here again!”. We assumed he was talking to Louie, because Dennis and The Captain were both invisible. Louie chats with Cicero for a while, and Cicero tells him Hecna charged in here half an hour ago and took his chair. The party is understandably disappointed by this. Louie asks where Hecna went, and Cicero points him in the direction of a closet. As soon as Louie moves to the closet, Cicero tackles him from behind, pushes him in, jumps in with him, and slams the door. Repressed and acting out, much?

Turns out, Cicero was only trying to possess Louie to use his body to escape. That was a relief! He rolled pretty well, too, but as Ethan learned, you just can not possess a Paladin. Louie then one-shotted him.

Louie got Cicero’s Baton, the Tunnel of Love disintegrated (which we are assuming exposed the vampired coffins to sunlight, finishing them off).

End scene

Cicero’s Jeweled Baton

Wondrous item, legendary (requires attunement by a bard, sorcerer or warlock)

This tarnished, ivory-colored wooden stick is bejeweled with rubies. The baton is cone-shaped, with a large fist on the thicker end. The baton can be wielded as a simple melee weapon, doing 1d8 bludgeoning damage. You have a +2 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon.

Command Performance. Cicero’s Jeweled Baton has 5 charges. While holding the baton, you can use an action to put on a show (1 charge). You make a Charisma (Performance) check, which acts as the DC for each creature within 120 feet that can see you. They must use their reaction to make a Charisma (Performance) check, imitating your performance. If a creature fails the check against the DC set by your Performance check by 10 or more, it becomes stunned until the end of its next turn. If you use the last charge, you must roll a d20. On a 20, the baton regains one charge, and you have advantage on your next Charisma (Performance) check. On a 1, the baton is destroyed.

The important thing happens first

Everyone in the party gets a feat! Merry Christmas!

The train station

Exiting the forest, we see a 3 story building. The Captain climbs the side of the building - Dennis flies along beside him, asking him where we’re going. As we near the top, we hear a clacking noise. TC peeks, and sees 2 animated marionettes fencing with their broken arms. TC tells Oriana to climb up - she crit fails and breaks her leg, so Dennis flies down to bring her up.

During this time, a creepy voice is heard from the forest. Esmerelda responds in the time honoured, player character appropriate manner, and kills it with a thrown dagger before we even know what it is. Raymond then eats it. I think it was a halfling.

Then a dwarf comes out of the building and offers us directions back to the Revalia. His name was Watt, but none of the obvious jokes were made. After he learned we were part of the revelion, he invites us in. He has a friend inside, DC, who is in the late stages of clownification. We told Watt about the room in the Hostile Hostel that cures clownification, which baffled the Gods (the DM) who had no memory of this place. After extensive perusing of the oracles (the module) it was determined the players were correct, and rules were defined regarding exactly how it worked. Unfortunately, DC is too far gone for it to help.

Watt tells us of a different key for the Boring Room, that would allow entry to a room in the Fun House where the schematics for the train were kept. He gave us the key, and we gave him the moonstone.

To the Funhouse

In the Hostile Hostel, we used the new key on the Boring Room, and it opened to a long corridor lined with masks. At the far end was a small door, and next to it was a sleeping Jawbreaker (a big, muscly clown). He had a balloon dog on his shoulder. The Captain turned invisible and entered the corridor.

TC pickpocketed the key on the Jawbreakers belt and then saw that it would not fit the keyhole of the door. As he did this, he became aware that the balloon dog was looking directly at him, and trying to wake the Jawbreaker up. TC held up Oriana (with her needle) and moved her slowly closer to the dog.

BANG! The ensuing explosion destroyed the balloon dog, threw TC across the room doing major damage, and blew the Jawbreakers head clean off.

At this point we found that TC could not leave the room now. Anything we put in would not come back out.

The masks on the wall started vomiting bags and a puzzle cube onto the floor of the corridor. TC tried putting the masks in the bag, which worked, but then the lights went out and when they came back, TC was gone. It was hard to tell - he had been invisible the whole time.

After significant prevarication, Dennis and Louie entered the room and tried to find TC. We turned the bag inside out - nothing. Then the bag started vibrating, and it soon exploded, doing a stack of psychic damage.

Dennis tried unwinding the timer on the puzzle cube - it made a noise. Soon afterward, Louie and Dennis were pulled into the bags by furry slendermen. Combat ensued, the MVP move was by Louie when he cast Daylight just inside the opening to the bag. Dennis stunned the one that was next to him and dragged it out of the bag, where we whaled on it until it died. Its 2 friends ran away like the cowards they were, hiding in the dark.

Combat over, the bag went from pink back to normal BoH colour. I don’t trust it.

TC tried to pick the lock of the tiny door, it didn’t work, but the lock changed shape to spell out the words “The answer is in front of your face”. To cut a long story short, eventually TC shoved a mask into the door and it opened. We went through the door, and immediately started to shrink. When we were small enough to fall between the fibres of the carpet, we teleported back out to the Boring Room, back to full size. Which isn’t that big, to be honest. At least we had the schematics.

Back to the station

We return to the station and give Watt the schematics. He says it will take about 12 hours to decode them. We Long Rest, then head out to the Jamboree. We pickpocket a bunch of people and pick up dropped tickets. The total haul was significant.

On the way, there was an announcement where Dufus McSmallhouse had betrayed Stella to Hecna. He was the new Master of Ceremonies, and Sophie (Stella’s sister) lowered her into a vat of wax. This caused less consternation amongst the party than it probably should have. While being lowered, Stella traces some signs on her arm in her own blood before wiping them away. They were the Symbols for Games and Enemy, which forms the Cartouche for Carpe Colossus.

Here endeth the session.

Pinky goes postal

The party is on their way from the boat terminal when they hear a loud crash. Pinky the vapid clown is looking pissed, and is wielding a large axle with a huge gear on the end, and is about to take a swing at Hecna. “Laugh this off, you /redacted/!” Hecna reacted before the blow could land, and waved his hand, causing a vortex to appear whisking Pinky, himself - and the party - away.

We found ourselves paralyzed in a large laboratory. In addition to Hecna and Pinky, we also see a mad alchemist in a blood and wax stained white coat, wearing a face mask with a grinning, sharp toothed mouth scrawled on it. Ethan didn’t mean to, but he let slip that this was Sophie - the sister of Dr Stella.

Sophie was about to “fix” Pinky when Hecna notices the presence of the party. He instantly switches from angry to manically happy, and summons the Toymaker to escort us out. Louie tries to drop his special marble on the way out, but Hecna catches him and hands it back - but Hecnafied.

As a result of this journey, we are now considered VIP guests, and have access to the entire Revalia except for the Fun House.

To the Flop House

The Toymaker escorts us out, depositing us in the top floor of the Flop House, and casino run by Dirk Yukster, a dwarf who tells bad riddles that he thinks are jokes. We played a number of games of chance, and generally lost.

Where is the stick?

Upon leaving the Flop House, we met Dufus McSmallHouse, the Gnome we rescued from the tiny house. He told us about the race to find “the stick”, which is the shapeshifting axle that Pinky was wielding. It went missing when she was whisked away to the Fun House, and Hecna is posting a huge reward for its recovery. It seems obvious to everyone with a brain (so just the party and one or two NPCs) that the stick is a weapon that can really harm Hecna. Anyway, we left him to go to the Tunnel of Love, while we went to find Dr Stella to tell her about Sophie.

At Dr Stella’s tent, we found her furniture smashed up and blood stains. We followed the blood stains and found a ruffian bashing Dr Stella. She stabbed him with a syringe and pumped him full of bleach, which killed him, before we could help. Dennis cadged some bleach off her. We told her about her sister.

Then we (the party and Dr Stella) went looking for the stick, and thought looking where we saw it last saw it was a good idea. We went to where Pinkie attacked Hecna, and found a key and some gold flakes that had come off the stick. We took both. The key looked like our key to our room in the Hostile Hostel, so we went there.

Opening our room with the different key led to a different room - a room constructed entirely from cheese. Not sure why. Dr Stella took the opportunity to educate us in personal marks, and drafted hers on the wall of the cheese room.

We reverted our room to a normal room, and had a long rest.

Time for exposition

Then we went to visit Locke. He was anxious, and that prompted him to tell us all about a lot of stuff.

• Cicero, the previous Master of Ceremonies, rebelled against Hecna and failed. In punishment, Hecna tore out his heart and built the Tunnel of Love from it. Cicero is imprisoned there, in permanent punishment.
• Some people in the Revalia have keys allowing access to the Fun House. The only one we know about is the currently most favoured food proprietor, who can use it to deliver food.
• There are tunnels that run throughout the Fun House that we may be able to use to get around undetected. They are thought to be infested with abberrations.
• Revenge seekers in the Revalia don’t do well, historically. So maybe we should encourage more positive motivations.
• The Carpe Collosum ride is either built out of, or operated by, a giant named Gary. He is a bit slow, but apparently well meaning, and can be bribed. He likes toys.
• Arachne is the head of the Acrobat Coven, and communicates with the members of the coven using a magic, telepathic mirror. He has a loud voice, and members of the coven can often be seen wincing from Arachne shouting in their minds.
• There are only 2 creatures in the Revalia that Hecna respects - the Androsphinx and the Gynosphinx. They have a show in the Big Top, and there is a prize for successfully participating in their show. Nobody has won it yet. Hecna is trying to be friendly with them to learn some secret, it is thought.

To the Tunnel of Love

We decided to go to the Tunnel of Love, and on the way were met by Hecna. He escorted us there, where we met with Cicero. Hecna said we should ask him questions, and one of the questions was “How his failed rebellion went”. So Dennis asked that. Cicero went off, and ranted about a heap of stuff before causing the rancid blood in the river to rise up and attack the party. Hecna teleported away, Dennis and The Captain evasioned ourselves away, but Louie and Raymond took some damage. Cicero stormed off, too, and the Tunnel of Love was closed for repairs, so with nothing else to do, we went back to Lost & Found.

What is your Oath?

At Lost & Found, the Toymaker asked us for our oath that we would work to bring down the Revalia and destroy Hecna, which we immediately gave, because f*ck that guy. Then, the Toymaker told us of the rebellion (like we didn’t already know about it), and said that there were several powerful items around that could help us combat Hecna. One is in Gertrude’s grove, a large half circle of moonstone. As we had already dealt with Gertrude (when we rescued Shorty McSmallHouse), we simply went back to her room and pulled it out of the tree it was embedded in.

Then, Locke & the Toymaker told us about a dimension-hopping rollercoaster that once brought people to the Revalia, but which Hecna destroyed when he realized it was also a way out of the Revalia. The moonstone disc is half of a key component of the rollercoaster. Also, several members of the revolution reside at the Shattered Station, the rollercoasters resting place. So we went there.

Just as the station comes into view, the session ended.

Fin.

Our chronicler is indisposed

Due to illness, our chronicler not only failed to document this session, he actually forgot it happened.

I’m told we met Locke, and fought in a boat. Who knew?

That mirror maze isn’t going anywhere

The party started the session in a forest, in front of a house of mirrors. Obviously, we wanted to go anywhere except inside. We walked all the a way around - that was weird. We considered going back into the forest, but it was pretty obvious that wasn’t going to work. Resigned, we entered the mirror maze - but stealthily! We tiptoed in like the Scooby gang at their very best!

It was all Intelligence and Charisma checks and saves to get through. This worked pretty well for everyone except Dennis, whose MAD build revolves around Dexterity and Wisdom. So the rest of the party is out the far end, wondering what happened to Dennis, while he’s busily vandalizing the maze so he can bring all his friends with him. Shouldn’t have worked, Dennis doesn’t have any friends.

Found the Bastard!

We came to a clearing in the forest; on the far side we saw two figures. A figure in bedazzled armour spinning a lottery cage, and in front of them, one of the shapeshifters facade’s waiting impatiently for the draw. With a clear line of sight, The Captain came into his own. Turning invisible, he crept up on the shifter and pickpocketed Louie’s portable hole off his belt. Just to be sure, he also pickpocketed another sack off his belt. He then crept back to the party (disappointing Dennis, who had been waiting for combat to start) and got them to validate the contents we had stolen.

The Captain had delivered, and we had our portable hole back! Louie now stores it safely inside his armour, where it is impossible to reach, and even trying does poison damage. In addition, the other bag contained a magical spear for Dennis, and Rings of Spell Storing for Louie and The Captain. The Captain is now adamant that he also has a Bag of Holding, because there is no other way Dennis’ spear could have fitted inside a normal sack.

Louie and Dennis then emerged from the forest and walked over to the Bedazzled Knight. That bastard froze, turned slightly away, and put on a hat of disguise. The Captain pickpocketed it. He then attempted to subtly move away from the party and shapeshift into a marble so we wouldn’t find him - but The Captain was watching the entire time. We picked up the marble and put it into a potion bottle, and left it in the care of Oriana, who is watching it monomaniacally.

The Bedazzled Knight then spun the lottery cage, and drew our names out - creepy that he not only knew our names, but also had them written in the cage before we got there. He, or his master, may know everything about us, and is probably hoping to glean our plans so he can foil them. Well, the jokes on him - we have no idea what we’re doing! Hah! Anyway, we won golden tickets that we can use to get into the Revelia.

Onward to the freaky circus

The Bedazzled Knight - who introduced himself as Liard Bubble of Squeak, but we forgot that immediately - walked us to the gates of the Revelia, and we entered. We almost immediately found a lady with broken fingers. Dennis fixed them for her, and we talked. She introduced herself as Doctor Stella, and was a font of exposition.

She came to the Revalia looking for her older sister, Sophie, who had joined a cult years ago and was supposedly somewhere here.

Dr Stella was looking for her, but had bumped into a Thrall, who broke her fingers because they suck. The Thralls, not her fingers. She explained the different strata of Revelia society: Rubes, normals like us; Revelers, uninfected people who basically lived in the Revelia; and Thralls, people who had been infected with the clownification parasite.

Dr Stella explained the life cycle of the clownification parasite as best she knew it. The mites could be tiny, or as large as your fist. They found their way into your body through your nose, eyes or ears, and converted a host into a Thrall - someone who looked like a clown, was forced to perpetually have fun, and worked the Revelia.

We told Dr Stella that we would catch up with her after a rest, and headed to the Hostile Hostel.

To our well deserved Rest

We headed to the Hostel, but were informed before we even went anywhere that we needed to pay with Red Tickets (RT). We turned around, went to the ticket booth, and converted our Golden Tickets into 10 RT each (including Oriana). The ticket booth was operated by a very broken down marionette called Polly. She gave us our tickets. Then we went to the Hostile Hostel.

On the way there, we met a unicycling Thrall called Pinky and her animated map friend, Map. They directed us to the Hostile Hostel, and Map elected to join the party for a while.

The Hostel was as creepy looking as we expected. The receptionist, Ramona, was very distracted by a haunting. We said we’d look into it for her, and she said that in return she would give us 2 nights free accommodation, and 50% off accommodation costs thereafter. She also gave us the keys to all the rooms except the Sweet Suite and Room 9. The keys were very eclectic.

Saga of the Rooms

We went to room 1 first, and after some fumbling (we all had to be touching the helmet for the door to recognize us), the door spoke: “Declownification complete. Helmet may be removed. Have fun.” Worth remembering if we get clownified later and none of our healing fixes it.

We got into a room with zero gravity, and weirdly, a bucket of popcorn. The popcorn attacked! The Captain was down one arm. Dennis’ cards didn’t work in zero gravity! He resorted to daggers (which worked) with poison (which worked) that paralyzed (which didn’t). And punching (which worked) with stunning (which didn’t). The blood in his arm was converted to butter, but a quick Hands of Healing/Physician’s Touch fixed it, thankfully. Louie laid about him with a morning star, which worked, causing Louie to spin (no negative effects). The Captain did massive sneak attack damage, but the final blow was struck by Louie, causing the Popcorn Swarm to splat against the back wall, spelling the word “Scooter”.

So that was fun, but we moved on to the next room - Room 3, which was a live talk show with the Bedazzled Knight. Louie went up and was typically uncommunicative, which I’m sure the viewers loved. Still didn’t locate the source of the haunting.

The next room we entered was Room 2, and as soon as we entered, a horde of partygoers followed us in, then sang a warped version of Happy Birthday. We had cake.

The next room was Room 4, and it was a jungle containing 2 monkey animalgamations, and a pink owl, which vomited the remains of sweets at us. Ick. Next room!

We had to go upstairs to the next room, Room 5. It was a pale imitation of underwater, and had nothing of particular interest except a tiny diver marionette who advised us to check the “Sweet Suite”.

The next room we tried was a campsite with a tent. We found some candy wrappers and a compass belonging to G Figgypudding wrapped in some linen. The compass pointed slightly east of north. Dennis asked Map what the magnetic deviation was in the local area, and he said “5”. So obviously the compass is perfect.

Next we checked Room 7, the Boring Room, which was a typical motel room with a note on the desk saying to remember to expect someone to visit in one week. We stole the note, and wrote in the impressions left in the paper the exact same note, but extending the time to 2 weeks. The Captain returned to Ramons to get the key to the Sweet Suite, and we retrieved the last piece of cake from room 2, and some candy remains from room 4.

Using the key, we entered the Sweet Suite, which was a forest clearing with a candy house in it. Inside the candy house was an old crone, Gertrude, who wanted candy. We gave her what we had, and said that Ramona had asked us to remind her it was time to check out. She wanted us to escort her downstairs, but no way. Old age is contagious!

Inside the candy house, we found Room 9, a miniature room with a tiny Gnome inside. We took him down to Ramona. She told us how to let him out, and when he emerged, he was quite upset with Ramona, but thankful to us for our help. He introduced himself as Scooter, and went his own way.

Final Rest

Ramona gave us 3 nights free accommodation, and 50% off after that. We elected to take the Boring Room, and retired up there for a long rest.

Game Day

After our rest, we decided to play some games. We started with Pin the Flail on the Donkey. The rules were, it would be released from its pen, and we had to get it back in within 5 rounds. Easy!

So first, it wasn’t a donkey. It was a Huge donkey animalgamation. Second, it moved 50’ on its first round of action. Dennis immediately caught up and paralyzed it with poison. We figured The Captain with his magically boosted 19 strength should walk this in, but it turned out to be harder than that. 4 rounds of dragging, we drag the Donkey 53 feet, to find the Thrall running the game had moved the pen back 10 feet. Dennis re-paralyzed the beast, then held his blade to the Thralls throat while Louie and The Captain dragged the Donkey the remaining distance in the last round. We win! It cost 1 RT each to play, and we got 4 RT each back (1 more than we should, because he cheated!)

Lord of the Rings

The next game was Dead Ringers. There was a forest of zombie hands with their fingers pointing up, wriggling. It cost 1 RT to play, we got 10 rings, and if we managed to throw them onto a finger, we would get 1 RT back. Statistically, if you had Sleight of Hand proficiency, you should easily win, and if you didn’t, you should barely win.

The Captain went first, once in real life and once with dice. We got 10 RT for each ring we actually got over Zoe’s fingers, and the Captain walked away with 10 RT from real life, and I think about 6 RT from dice - way more than he should have. Dennis went next and won 20 RT in his real life game, and 2 from his dice game. Louie went last, and won 15 in real life (throwing at Scott’s fingers won 15 RT, because they’re fatter), and none in the dice game. Not having Sleight of Hand really hurt him.

Here we ended the session, mostly because it was really late.

The treasure escaped. :(

The Captain moved through the throng of peasants attempting to get to the ticket, while Dennis flew above. When in position, Louie dropped the Moonbeam and Dennis played blocker, while The Captain sleigh handed the ticket away with nobody the wiser.

Leaving the peasants to their unseemly wrestling, we moved to the door and used the ticket. Ducking through, the party looked back at the distraught peons and Dennis gave them all the bird as the door closed.

How long?

According to Ethan, that took 3 minutes.

Verdant means Green.

Passing through the door, we found a idyllic scene of natural beauty. Flowers and ponds spread before us, leading to a large hedge maze, beyond which we could see a huge tree.

Scanning for tracks, we found the footprints of the shifter entering the maze. At the centre of the maze, Dennis could see a workshop. The party entered the maze and were immediately attacked by vine monsters.

Combat was met, with Dennis showing his cards usefulness by killing several vines. The Captain and Louie also did their share, but Raymond died.

We’d been minding our manners to this point, but obviously the nature spirits in this place were a bunch of arseholes, and they had it coming. After killing all but one of the vines (it retreated back into hedge), we set fire to the maze.

Louie entered the workshop and was transformed into a flowerpot. Meanwhile, dryads attacked us with explosives. Louie managed to roll back outside, and The Captain smashed him, killing him with left damage after the polymorph was dispelled.

We quickly brought Louie back and fled the scene.

Little Weed!

We found ourselves in a clearing surrounded by little weeds that would trade healing and buffs for riddles answered. The party did pretty well early on, but got bogged down a bit (a lot) later.

The riddles, as best I remember, were:

• What lives in Winter, dies in Summer, and grows with its roots upward? Answer: An Icicle.
• What is the dirtiest word in the World? Answer: Pollution.
• What plant is the best kisser? Answer: A Tulip

Field of Dreams (or Butterflies, whatever)

The party passed through a field filled with butterflies. We pretty much ignored them.

Go on Louie, lick it!

The party came across a stick poking out of the ground, with what looked like honey coming out of it. At the prompting of the party (mainly The Captain), Louie stepped forward to lick it and was engulfed huge Venus Fly Trap like plant.

Combat began, with the plant applying acid damage to Louie and Louie applying poison damage to the plant. Dennis pulled out his throwing cards again, and ruled! The plant was killed in the first round.

The massacre of the Pygmies

The party came across a clearing, with a group of Vege-Pygmies sitting in a circle around a mushroom on a pedestal. They were swaying back and forth, having a great old time. When The Captain approached mushroom, he was waved back by the pygmies, but otherwise they ignored us.

When The Captain patted the pygmies heads, he was waved off again, but otherwise left unmolested.

The party elected not to interfere, and moved on. Massacre averted, part one.

Door Puzzle

The party came upon the door at the far end of the carriage. It was set into an enormous tree, and there were 6 pedestals beside the path leading to it - 3 on either side of the path. One pair of pedestals h mushroom symbol, another had a butterfly symbol, and the last had a flowerpot symbol. Obviously we had to go back.

Most of the party got bogged down at the weeds again, but The Captain retrieved some butterflies and honey, and between them The Captain and Louie got some coloured flower pots from the shed.

Here comes the Bride!

When we returned to get a mushroom, the mushroom we saw had turned into a large mushroom monster, with another one coming along the path. Ethan braced for a murderhobo spree, but we shocked him by taking the peaceful route and participating in the mushroom peoples wedding, providing extra music and attending the reception afterward. Then we managed to ask (via sign language) for the mushroom people to come along with us to the door puzzle.

Door Guardian

Once the pots and items were in place (the mushroom people stuck their hands into their pots), and the light was pointed in the right direction, the panel on the door activated and a ticket floated out. De stood on it to prevent it being stolen by the shapeshifter.

Of course it was at this point that the tree decides to attack. Remember what I said about the nature spirits in this area being a bunch of arseholes? Well, that tree picked a fight with the wrong people!

It had 4 limbs, each of which attacked and grappled. Louie was hoisted 60 feet into the air and dropped. The Captain caught him.

Dennis killed one limb, and when asked “how do you want to kill it?” said “It breaks off, and falls on the remaining two limbs, crushing them!” Astonishingly, that worked!

Then Dennis forewent his big damage cards for a bit and attacked with poison and fists. To his surprise, they worked! He then locked down all the remaining limbs, giving the parties damage dealers advantage attacks and automatic criticals.

Louie did one strike that pumped out 80 damage!

The tree died an ignominious death, the final blow being dealt by The Captain’s doll, Oriana. That tree, like all the nature spirits here, was a little bitch.

Return of that dick head

With combat concluded, we used the ticket to open the door, all the while keeping a sharp eye out for the shapeshifter. Not seeing any sign, we stepped through the door to a twisted fun fair.

To one side of the party was a house of mirrors. At this point, the shapeshifter:

• Slid off Louie (it had been masquerading as a burlap sack the whole time);
• Changed shape to some sort of humanoid;
• Ran to the house of mirrors and disappeared inside

All without anybody being able to react, despite it being made extremely clear we were on high alert. It didn’t even trigger a reaction attack when it left melee range of the party. So, exactly as we expected it would go down.

Here endeth the session.

Don’t let the treasure escape!

After seeing the Treasure Guy flee with the treasure, Louie and Dennis called The Captain out from the ship, and pursued.

Entering the next carriage, we saw the door ahead closing, and a vast staircase going up. Dennis heard steps above, so he flew up to check to see if the Treasure Guy was up there.

Dennis’ mistake

Mistake may be too strong a word - the door ahead wouldn’t have worked with our ticket anyway. However, upon reaching the top of the staircase - and having seen various toys scattered on the stairs - the illusion at the top faded away to reveal a Clockwork Beholder. It fancied itself some sort of playwright, and wanted us to see its show.

Offended by it’s racist stereotype accent, Dennis noped out of there to go to the door - where the ticket didn’t work, anyway.

Attack of the Toymaker

Initiative order went The Captain, Dennis, Louie, then the Clockwork Beholder. After every players turn, the Beholder got a lair action which was a toy attacking. On its turn, the beholder used 3 random eye beams.

As the party was 150’ below the Beholder, the early rounds were light on damage. A lot of toys attacked, and were destroyed. The notable toy for damage was a Deck of Cards, which did (if I recall correctly) over 50 damage to The Captain. The Captain spent most of the rest of the combat hiding and using sneak attack with his bow. Whilst hiding, he befriended a living doll, which he called Orianna Marianna Panache.

Dennis flew right up to the Beholder on the first round of combat, but was hit by an eye beam that knocked him prone (damn STR saves!), and he fell all the way back down. No damage, though, because Monk. Boy, Ethan hates Monks.

The Captain’s sneak attacks were the MVP of the combat, with 2 critical hits doing a combined total of 108 damage. Other notable events were:

• Louie doing a ranged Divine Smite with a magic 8-ball, which he got to keep, smashing the Beholders primary eye.
• Dennis finally getting into melee, hitting 3 times in a round to discover it was immune to poison and the stunned condition.
• Dennis completely misunderstanding the layout and remaining flying over a 150’ drop, despite there being a perfectly serviceable platform to stand on for melee.

Once dead, the Beholders body was found to contain 3 tickets for the next carriage.

Treasure:

• 2000 platinum pieces.
• A living doll which is now The Captains best friend.
• A barely living Teddy Bear which we need to get Rusty to fix. Dennis hopes it will become Chastiefol.*
• A deck of throwing cards.
• A magic eight ball that does 1d12 damage at range, has infinite range, and can channel Divine Smite. Unfortunately doesn’t come back, like Mjolnir.
• All the Clockwork Beholders eye stalks, and part of it’s main eye (which could take control of other people’s spells).
• 3 tickets

Unfortunately, much of this is stored in Louie’s portable hole. This will become important later.

Onwards to Glory! Infamy’s just like glory, right?

Upon entering the next carriage, we found an enormous gathering of, frankly disgusting, poor people. Honestly, they were packed in like sardines, and they smelled.

Unfortunately, none of our tickets worked to get us further along the train, so The Captain offered one Dragon for a ticket further up the train. An old man tried to con us, and we were really good - we didn’t stab him or anything. His brother then got involved in the conversation, and during that time, someone pickpocketed the portable hole off Louie.

Dennis and the Captain immediately attempted to track down the perpetrator, but this was effectively impossible, as we discovered later that the thief was a shapeshifter, so none of our perception or memory helped at all.

Louie had the best idea, and cast Locate Object to find his portable hole. Ethan apparently:

• Wasn’t aware that Louie could cast that; and
• Also wasn’t aware that it would work on magic items.

The shapeshifter then immediately:

• Somehow became aware that we were tracking them using magic tracking;
• Shapeshifted into an inanimate object (I call BS); and
• Because they were now an inanimate object, Locate Object stopped working (I call BS again).

In the process of trying to find them, we:

• Pissed off a lot of people by shining light on them.
• Discovered a hidden cache of food that someone had been stealing, and gave it back to the people. We go no credit for that.
• Pissed off some more people by giving them an uncontrollable urge to get wet.
• Seriously contemplated poisoning the entire carriage. I mean, who’d care? They’re poor!
• Moonbeamed quite a lot of inanimate objects to try and reveal the shapeshifter, but it mysteriously managed to avoid it every time.
• Some girl was stupid enough to think that pouring boiling tea over herself was equivalent to immersing herself in liquid or mud - and where did she even get the tea in a carraige where all the liquid intake was apparently from meatloaf? Honestly, that’s just natural selection at that point.

Eventually the shapeshifter was spotted, basically because Ethan said so - nothing we did was ever going to work - and despite Dennis immediately saying he goes as fast as he can to throw a knife at her, she managed to shift from a teacup into a woman, move across the carriage to the door, activate it with a ticket, retrieve the ticket, turn around, speak to the entire carriage, drop the ticket, and make her escape - all before anybody could move.

The end of the session saw the ticket she dropped sitting in a circle of moonbeam.

Note - Chastiefol

Apart from the magic abilities of the item Chastiefol from the Seven Deadly Sins, there are 2 interesting linguistic items of note:

• In medieval French, Chastiefol is the name of Excalibur.
• In old French, Chastiefol means “to punish the fool”. Very Mr T.

How our heroes find each other

After leaving Haji and Urasim (forgive spelling?) in Har’Akir, Dennis, Rusty and the Captain sailed the ship to a dig site where we were told we could find Frenden Brasier. The Captain and Rusty stayed aboard to protect the ship, while Dennis went into the dig to find Frenden.

Inside the dig, Dennis found a human with a prosthetic limb, a small humanoid frog, and a really big frog that tried to eat him (Dennis does look a bit like a large insect). The big frog missed. The small frog turned around a raised a morning star to brain Dennis, to which he replied “You hit me with that pointy stick and I’ll shove it up your frogs butt”. The human turned around - surprise! It was Esmerelda all along! She introduced her assistant, Louie, and his steed, Raymond.

Then she told a story about a train that had thundered through Mordentshire, crushing several peasants. She and Louie jumped aboard, and it took them out of the domain of Mordent and into the Mists. The train turned out to be a traveling domain called “Cyre 1313, The Mourning Rail”. The story, as best Dennis can recall, went like this:

Cyre 1313

The disaster known as the Mourning numbers among the greatest tragedies to befall the world of Ebberon - a mysterious calamity that killed nearly everyone in the land of Cyre. In the nation’s capital of Metrol, some citizens foresaw the coming devastation and sought to escape upon the lightning rails, elemental-powered engines capable of pulling trains of passenger carriages. As scared innocents packed Metrol’s last lightning rail, known as Cyre 1313, the evacuation was delayed at the demand of a late-arriving VIP. Hundreds were forced from passenger carriages to admit and maintain the secrecy of this last passenger and their retinue. When the lightning rail did finally depart, it was too late. The disaster of the Mourning overtook the train and its hundreds of escapees. But even as it did, the Mists claimed Cyre 1313 and all aboard it. Now, the last lightning rail from Metrol hurtles through the Mists as a traveling domain. Those on board fear the disaster pursuing them, the mysterious passenger seated in the train’s foremost carriage, and the necrotic energy now infusing the engine’s elemental spirit. Yet none of the passengers realize their endless escape is pointless, as Cyre 131 carries only the dead.

Esmerelda’s adventures

Trying to stop the train thundering through Mordentshire, Esmerelda and Louie found themselves aboard Cyre 1313, and were taken into the Mists. They travelled aboard until one of the passengers attempted to steal Esmerelda’s prosthetic leg. In the ensuing scuffle, one of their assailants fell and struck their head, dying. Apparently undead escapees from massive war crimes frown upon accidental manslaughter, and Esmerelda and Louie were thrown from the train into the Mists. They found themselves in Har’Akir, much to Louie’s disgust. The sands are so dry, they’re scratchy and get everywhere. Esmerelda’s research indicated that there existed a magic item called a Mytholabe that could call Cyre 1313, and that led them to the archaeological dig site where we met them. They had a large boulder encrusted around some sort of device that they believed was a Mytholabe.

The Mytholabe

We hauled the rock back to the ship, and Rusty slowly dissolved the it from around a metal device. Once uncovered, Rusty, Louie and Esmerelda were in the cabin inspecting it when it activated and attempted to kill us all! The ensuing fight was legendary! Well, Esmerelda got the tar kicked out of her, but Louie and Rusty got through it largely unscathed. Once its defenses were overcome, it did in fact work as expected.

Catching a train

Everyone remained on the ship except Dennis, the fastest among us. The ship was put back into its bottle. When Cyre 1313 arrived, Dennis flew aboard, and found himself between 2 carriages, as it faded back into the Mists. The forward carriage’s door was locked and looked to be unlockable with some sort of card. We reasoned that we needed a ticket to open it. The doors to the aft carriage were open a crack, and Dennis got inside to find a cabin filled with fungus, spores and ooze. In the far corner was a bright blue ooze. Hiding behind some crates, he used Thieves Cant to sign to the people aboard the ship that Louie should come out. Nobody aboard the ship understands Thieves Cant, so they just stared blankly at him until Louie got bored and said he was going out there.

Ethan’s Lament

Emerging into a carriage filled with poisonous fungal spores, Ethan was horrified to discover that the party members exposed were:

1. Dennis, who does not breathe, and
2. Louie, who is immune to poison.

Exploring the Train

As we explored, we found a plethora of dead bodies hidden in the overhead compartments of the carriage. Their presence was revealed by blood dripping from the ceiling. How they got there is a mystery, as the roof of the carriage is 30’ up, but Dennis was able to see that they had all been stripped of belongings. Below them was a chest, above which, scrawled in blood, were the words “Beware the Mimic”. Nobody was fooled that the chest was a mimic, but we reasoned there might be a mimic somewhere else in the carriage. When we got the chest open, it was empty, but throwing a coin in (we suspected the mimic might be pretending to be the inside of the chest) we heard a hollow thud. Levering up the false bottom, we found:

• 8 Superior Healing Potions
• 2000 Dragons
• Scroll of Dispel Magic
• 2 Watches (1 Gold, 1 Platinum)
• Jewelry

There may be other stuff as Ethan decides in the future.

Ethan’s Second Lament

Ethan could not remember the currency of Eberron, and so asked Scott. Scott vaguely remembered Dragons, so that is what the coins became. I looked it up - in Eberron, Copper Pieces are “Crowns”, Silver Pieces are “Sovereigns”, Gold Pieces are “Galifar”, and Platinum Pieces are “Dragons”. Heh heh.

Death on the Express

Now we set to investigate the blue ooze, which we had avoided until now. Louie picked up a can from one of the crates and prepared to throw it, to see what happened. As he did, more blood dripped from the ceiling directly onto his hand, and he found his hand glued to the can. We looked up and saw a huge blood ooze on the ceiling above us. Battle began!

Dennis flew up there and struck the ooze, stunning it - but another ooze came out of the first one. So Dennis hit and stunned that one. A third ooze came out of that one. Dennis returned to the first ooze and hit it, and nothing came out. Louie tore the can from his hand, and cast Moonbeam to strike the two stunned oozes. The blue ooze retreated inside a crate and sparked the spores alight, which sent coldfire roaring through the entire cabin. The oozes were immune, but Louie wasn’t. Dennis dodged. Ethan was pissed. He really hates Evasion.

The third ooze hit Louie, took damage from his poisoned shield, and spawned another ooze. That ooze hit Louie, took damage from his shield, and spawned another ooze. That ooze struck Louie, took damage from his shield, and died.

We learned to focus fire on the oozes that had already spawned before moving on, but the field was flooded with oozes - the blue ooze kept firing Lesser Restoration to take the conditions off the stunned and paralyzed oozes (Dennis has a paralysis poison). Eventually we moved the Moonbeam onto the blue ooze, and it spawned a Coldfire Ooze. They do ridiculous damage. At some point we released Raymond from the ship bottle to help. He did awesome! But died. Dennis had to drink one of the Superior healing potions. Louie had to drink two! Eventually we killed the last ooze, and retrieved a ticket from the blue ooze’s corpse.

Then we realized we were being watched. Standing at the door was someone holding a bunch of treasure, who retreated into the forward carriage, closing the door behind them. We’re pretty sure it was the killer who had stashed all those bodies, returning to put his stuff in the chest.

End scene

Monsters we have killed

(and conceivably could have harvested parts from)

Mordentshire

Main campaign

• Doom Bear
• Fog Bog Dogs
• Wendigo
• Helmed Horror (we should have the whole thing somewhere)
• Chuul

Louie & Rusty’s prequel

• Abyssal Chickens
• Werewolf
• Undead Dwarves
• Mithral Golem

Hara’kir

Monsters

• Shield Guardian (again, we should have the whole thing somewhere)
• Neophrons
• Nagpa
• Boneclaw
• Yaun’ti
• Bright Naga
• Intellect Devourer
• Mimic (Chest)

Stuff

• 500gp crafting components
• Mizzium Plate
• Amulet of Proof against Detection (Dennis has it)
• Nagpa Staff
• Nagpa Spellbook
• 10 suits of Scale Mail
• 20 Scimitars
• 20 Longbows
• 20 Shortbows
• 50 Quivers with 20 arrows each
• Magic shield that shouts your words
• Scrolls: Knock, Dimension Door, Mass Heal, Greater Invisibility, Regeneration, Teleport, Clone
• Scroll: Dispel Magic
• 2 watches (one gold, one platinum)
• Jewelery

Cyre 1313

Monsters

• 8 blood oozes
• 3 coldfire oozes
• A whole clockwork beholder
• Mostly living teddy bear
• Dryads
• Popcorn
• 2 zombie hands
• One monkey finger
• 3 soloists (sirens?)
• 2 vampires
• Cicero
• Antlion thing
• Werespiders
• Lumiere
• Arachne
• Grey Slaad
• Green Slaad
• Ygorl
• Dirk
• The Countess
• Sophie
• Pinky
• Candelabra Guards
• Vampires
• Big mimic
• Heckna

Stuff

• 2 rings of spell storing
• Cicero’s baton
• Sophie’s lab stuff

Bluetspur

Monsters

• Echelon
• Echelon eggs
• Weresharks
• Fey Capybara
• Fey Mice
• Fey Squirrel
• Daisy the Eldritch Cow
• Caterpillar/Wasp/Elemental
• Whatever invisible monstrosity killed The Captain
• Rustinium Drone
• Ashen Construct
• Tree abomination that Dennis killed in a single round.
• Zombies
• Goblin Mutants
• Goblin Hulks
• Goblin Seers
• The Emissary
• Astral Dreadnaught
• Mind Flayers
• Sibriex
• Slaughter Demons
• Tarrasque Abomination blood
• Abomination #3
• Gibbering Orb
• Ettin Ceremorph
• Intellect Devourers
• Intellect Devourer Mutants with all our abilities